Will I ever learn to trust people again? Emotional barrier?

Bluebell91

I’ve always wanted to help people. I am nearly finished my degree in social work. Earlier this year, I was deeply hurt by a friend who said some things about me that were not true. This girl was and is very vulnerable however she is also manipulative. She took advantage of me because she knew I would help her. Everything was always about her and the trouble she was in, always one sided. I’m sick of people taking advantage of my help because they know I’m too nice and won’t refuse. However since the argument with this girl, I’ve put up an emotional wall. I’m sick of people, cynical of people and don’t want to help them because I think they’re only in it for themselves. I’ve lost my drive, my ambition, my charity and motivation to help people.

My question is how do I break down this wall I’ve put up? I want to be the old me again. How do I trust people again? Has anyone ever had a similar experience? I’d appreciate the help.
Edit

Aspadeaspade

"Everything was always about her and the trouble she was in, always one sided. I’m sick of people taking advantage of my help because they know I’m too nice and won’t refuse."

I find it very interesting that you are almost a qualified social worker and have this attitude towards this person. You don't say whether they are a friend or in what capacity you know them. It's quite possible your chosen career path is going to make mince meat of you in your first year if you continue like this and don't rethink your attitude and the way you engage with people. Could it be that you are one of those people who need to feel needed and appreciated constantly? Maybe what this person said was hurtful for you but quite frankly you just have to build a bridge and get over it! This almost sounds like a petty complaint and will be a big stumbling block if you don't deal with it and look at it objectively..

Airyfairy12

Be nice but do it because you want to and dont have any expectations on others. You need to learn to have boundaries, it's ok to say no and to walk away from negative people, you dont owe them anything.
Maybe you couls start putting your own feelings, needs and wants first a little bit, its ok to focus on yourself and put yourself first.

Unfortunately alot of people you meet will attempt to take advantage of you, being nice and giving means you will attract people who are takers and manipulators, you have a soft spot for vulnerable and damaged people so expect to attract them like a magnet which is fine but be aware they may treat you horribly and see your kindness as weakness.
Learn to protect yourself. Keep being kind but have a line and learn to know how and when to stop giving. Dont ignore your gut about people, if something doesn't feel right, it probably isnt.

Icepick

You need to work on your self-esteem because it sounds like you try to validate yourself too much by "helping" others.

Good link:

https://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/mentalhealth/Pages/Dealingwithlowself-esteem.aspx#

Bluebell91

Aspadeaspade wrote: »

"Everything was always about her and the trouble she was in, always one sided. I’m sick of people taking advantage of my help because they know I’m too nice and won’t refuse."

I find it very interesting that you are almost a qualified social worker and have this attitude towards this person. You don't say whether they are a friend or in what capacity you know them. It's quite possible your chosen career path is going to make mince meat of you in your first year if you continue like this and don't rethink your attitude and the way you engage with people. Could it be that you are one of those people who need to feel needed and appreciated constantly? Maybe what this person said was hurtful for you but quite frankly you just have to build a bridge and get over it! This almost sounds like a petty complaint and will be a big stumbling block if you don't deal with it and look at it objectively..

Thanks for your reply. Sorry I forgot to clarify - this person WAS a very close personal friend NOT a client. Yes, I will be the first person to admit that I have low self esteem. I didn’t realize how an issue like this may have such a big impact on my social work career. You’ve given me a lot to think about....Believe me, if I felt it was a petty complaint, I wouldn’t be posting it here. I’ve never been hurt like that before and I’m only coming to terms with the consequences now.

LegacyUser

You have to be clear with yourself on what you want from friendships and sometimes people think they are helping when they are not.

You mention putting up an emotional wall since the argument but your friendship with her was one sided already. Did you take on the "helping" role willingly and not put yourself and your needs within the friendship forward? Had this contributed in making it a one sided friendship? That sounds like an emotional wall was already there.

You said that she is vulnerable and you have been helping her with her troubles. Do you think that if she was always confiding in you and you were not with her that this could have made her feel more vulnerable within the friendship and this has resulted in conflict because your friendship was uneven?

Hannibal_Smith

Bluebell91 wrote: »

I’ve always wanted to help people. I am nearly finished my degree in social work. Earlier this year, I was deeply hurt by a friend who said some things about me that were not true. This girl was and is very vulnerable however she is also manipulative. She took advantage of me because she knew I would help her. Everything was always about her and the trouble she was in, always one sided. I’m sick of people taking advantage of my help because they know I’m too nice and won’t refuse. However since the argument with this girl, I’ve put up an emotional wall. I’m sick of people, cynical of people and don’t want to help them because I think they’re only in it for themselves. I’ve lost my drive, my ambition, my charity and motivation to help people.

My question is how do I break down this wall I’ve put up? I want to be the old me again. How do I trust people again? Has anyone ever had a similar experience? I’d appreciate the help.
Edit

You need to learn how to deal with friendships that go wrong and fast, you are to be a social worker. I would think as a social worker you are trained to deal with people in difficult situations. What did she do or say that was manipulative? Why do you feel manipulated?

I think some friendships click and some don't. The friendship with this girl didn't click and went pear shaped. That's okay, it's only one friendship out of how many? You don't have to excuse her doing you wrong by blaming her difficult situation, but at the same time it would be helpful to learn, in a professional capacity, how to deal with relationships. Because you are heading into a career where people are going to ask an awful lot of you.

WIZWEB

Hi OP,

I have been in similar circumstances to yourself. Ironically I'm a qualified social worker. We generally tend to be highly empathetic people. This can be a great trait for working with clients, for friendships and even with relationships. The same trait can also encourage us to build excessive foundations of a doormat status for engaging with toxic individuals in these same settings.

Having an abundance of empathy can also be very draining due to excessive 'feelings'. It can skew our boundaries both professionally and personally and leaves us open to emotional and psychological abuse unless tethered. Even when fully aware that we are being disrespected or in some cases used we may feel guilt towards extrapuling ourselves from such individuals!

In your professional training you'll be aware of the promotion of being nonjudgmental. You'll learn to wear this hat. Believe me it is very human in all facets of life to be judgmental though in the right context and environment. As others have stated and you agreed you must work on your personal boundaries and self-esteem.

In this kind of career you'll sometimes be biting your lip off except with colleagues. However in your personal life you do not need to tolerate inappropriate behaviors from anyone. Whatever the excuses (yours or theirs). You've identified some nasty personality traits from your 'friend' and perhaps others. Yes be judgemental in such circumstances! After some reflection if you feel it's worth it talk with this girl and lay down some new ground rules and consequences for any future inappropriate behaviors. If you're done being her friend without doing this then that's your prerogative too. I'm sorry she's vulnerable but that doesn't give her any extra right to engage in the outlined behaviors against you.

I'm a big advocate for counselling. You should be able to access it for free in college. Just to vent in a nonjudgmental and supportive confidential environment can be liberating. A good counsellor will also offer you tools for working on self-esteem and boundary setting. Remembering my own college experience near graduation I recall the massive amount of pressure to complete assignments, a placement and thesis. Get these behind you and you'll be more clearheaded for future challenges.

Bluebell91

WIZWEB wrote: »

Hi OP,

I have been in similar circumstances to yourself. Ironically I'm a qualified social worker. We generally tend to be highly emphatic people. This can be a great trait for working with clients, for friendships and even with relationships. The same trait can also encourage us to build excessive foundations of a doormat status for engaging with toxic individuals in these same settings.

Having an abundance of empathy can also be very draining due to excessive 'feelings'. It can skew our boundaries both professionally and personally and leaves us open to emotional and psychological abuse unless tethered. Even when fully aware that we are being disrespected or in some cases used we may feel guilt towards extrapuling ourselves from such individuals!

In your professional training you'll be aware of the promotion of being nonjudgmental. You'll learn to wear this hat. Believe me it is very human in all facets of life to be judgmental though in the right context and environment. As others have stated and you agreed you must work on your personal boundaries and self-esteem. In this kind of career you'll sometimes be biting your lip off except with colleagues. However in your personal life you do not need to tolerate inappropriate behaviors from anyone. Whatever the excuses (yours or theirs). You've identified some nasty personality traits from your 'friend' and perhaps others. Yes be judgemental in such circumstances! After some reflection if you feel it's worth it talk with this girl, lay down some new ground rules and consequences for future inappropriate behaviors. If you're done being her friend without doing this then that's your prerogative too. I'm sorry she's vulnerable but that doesn't give her any extra right to engage in the outlined behaviors against you.

I'm a big advocate for counselling. You should be able to access it for free in college. Just to vent in a nonjudgmental and supportive confidential environment can be liberating. A good counsellor will also offer you tools for working on self-esteem and boundary setting. Remembering my own college experience near graduation I recall the massive amount of pressure to complete assignments, a placement and thesis. Get these behind you and you'll be more clearheaded for future challenges.

Thank you so much. It’s like you took the words right out of my mouth. This is what I’ve been trying to explain to people but people who don’t deal with these relationships from a personal and a professional standpoint don’t 100% understand the problem. You are a great help.