No ring after ten years

snowflake01

My boyfriend of 10 years won't commit, I also found porn on his phone, now he has left me. We've been through so much together, now I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself. Anyone in the same situation have any advice??

Airyfairy12

He wont commit because he doesn't want to. You cant force someone into that. As for the porn on his phone.. isnt that normal? If youre very against porn youre going to struggle finding someone who will truthfully share your principles. Are you controlling in relationships? do you expect him to discard his own wants, needs and feelings to suit yours? Relationships should be mutual and equal.

In what way does being together ten years not count as committing

kylith

Why did he leave you? Did he give a reason for ending the relationship?

Wesser

Surely it's normal to view porn?
How did you re act when you found it?
Your post is very short can you elaborate?

Ursus Horribilis

The porn on the phone is neither here nor there. Whether you like it or not, a very great number of people, male and female, watch porn. It's no reflection on their sex life or their happiness in their relationships.

So why were you snooping in his phone? And what do you mean by not committing? I'm afraid your post is very short on detail. Can you elaborate for us?

sallyanne12

"No ring after ten years"
She obviously wants to get married and he doesn't. I can see the ops side. If he's dragging his feet for ten years, is she supposed to wait around her whole life? And now he's upped and left so she's wasted 10 years of her life on him. I don't agree with forcing somebody to propose but if marriage is what she wants, she should know after a few years if it's heading that way and if not, walk free

sallyanne12

snowflake01 wrote: »

My boyfriend of 10 years won't commit, I also found porn on his phone, now he has left me. We've been through so much together, now I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself. Anyone in the same situation have any advice??

As for offering advice, I reckon he's left because maybe you were pressuring him to commit when he feels he is already committed. He spent 10 years with you and is probably frustrated that you don't see it as a commitment. Maybe he doesn't ever want to get married, a lot of people don't believe in it (myself included and I'm a woman) I see marriage as no more of a commitment than being together in a loving respectful relationship. I can never understand people I hear getting married for the third time. If they made the promise to stay together for life and didn't, doesn't it mean nothing the second and third time...
Anyway I suggest you sit him down and talk to him and let him say how he feels honestly without being judged. Then you need to decide what you want more, marriage or him. To be honest if it's been 10 years, it probably won't ever happen. So you could get back together and ease off on him and just be happy together. Life is short. Or you could start fresh and try find your future husband. But again I could be wrong, maybe he left for other reasons, I am only guessing

erica74

You need to sit down together and have an honest discussion about marriage and whether he sees it in your future. If he doesn't but it's something you want, then it may be time to move on. However, you should also look at why you want to get married. After 10 years do you not feel fulfilled by your relationship and feel secure in it without the need for marriage? I understand the tax benefits to getting married so if that is something you want to enjoy, you could just have a registry office wedding, with no witnesses and away you go.

As for porn, that's neither here nor there, unless you are saying you are also having problems with your sex life and your partner is viewing porn regularly instead of having a sex life with you. Then I would see that as an issue.

duffman13

sallyanne12 wrote: »

"No ring after ten years"
She obviously wants to get married and he doesn't. I can see the ops side. If he's dragging his feet for ten years, is she supposed to wait around her whole life? And now he's upped and left so she's wasted 10 years of her life on him. I don't agree with forcing somebody to propose but if marriage is what she wants, she should know after a few years if it's heading that way and if not, walk free

Youve taken a lot from 3 lines. Surely a mature relationship with two people discuss the future and the wants and needs of each person! If it was something the OP wanted she should have made that clear after a year or two. She's hardly wasted 10 years of her life if she's had a good time and a good relationship, she also hasn't said why he left.

For what it's worth OP, proposals come at all different times, I'd a very specific plan of when I was going to pop the question, my OH didn't expect it and it was knocking on 10 years. We'd discussed marriage in the past but had been together from quiet young so the social pressure wasn't there to make her think it wasnt going to happen (ie friends getting married etc)

Also the porn is an absolute non issue IMO

Estrellita

snowflake01 wrote: »

My boyfriend of 10 years won't commit

I also found porn on his phone

now he has left me.

This was all practically one sentence, yet none of it is related to each other in reality. You are better off leaving the porn out of this for now, because regardless of your feelings about it, it's not why he's gone.

He must have told you something before he left. At ten years relationships need work. But not only when it hits the ten year mark, it's something you should always have being doing. It's very easy to allow routine to get in the way, and begin to take each other for granted. In that situation, there would be no motivation to make a big commitment.

So why did he say he was leaving?

Xterminator

Hi OP

a 10 year anniversary is not going to change a relationship that is going nowhere into your dream one. Its a nice milestone and that's it. your relationship is what you both make of it, and after 10 years you must have had some inkling of how your partner saw the future, and if they wanted marriage, and or children etc?

re porn - not sure why that was a big deal for you. if you had both agreed in the context of your relationship porn was a nono, and then he went behind your back, i could see how that might upset you, or if the porn was of a disturbing nature. But men do look at porn, yes men in relationships too.

Sorry to hear he has left, was it because of your reaction to the porn, and disappointment at not getting a ring on 10 year anniversary? Was it for other reasons?