I think hes fallen out of love with me

Louise8787

Hi guys just want advice please. Im with my partner 4 years now and we have a beautiful 3 year old little girl. I made a lot of sacrifices for him i moved 2 hours away from my family and friends to be with him, gave up a great job ect.. we have being through an enormous amount of stress the past year him loosing his sister amd me loosing my dad. We have had so many ups and downs and always got through them. Around 4 months ago we spoke about engagement and i even picked a ring.. however anytime i speak about it now he tells me i turning him off me that i sound desperate that it will happen when it happens. However i dont believe him.. i feel hes making exscses.. really annoys me as ive sacrifised so much for him. I really didn't think me speaking about a ring would turn him off me. He said to me today that i look like a slob and how come i never dress up nice for him but if im going out with my friends i dress up nice.. i pointed out that we never go out as we cant get a baby sitter but when we do i always dress nice. I feel hes not treating me good and hes acting diffrent. When i ask him about it he says he loves me but only says it when i do. He says im acting desperate about the ring.something is diffrent and id love some advice from anyone please 😊 hes usually all over me too but last few weeks he barely comes near me. No problem in the sex area that's still ok. Is it after freaking him out about the ring?

Ursus Horribilis

Him falling out of love with you is the least of your worries. He doesn't appear to even like you, judging by what he's saying to you. Why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone as disrespectful as him?

Louise8787

Because he tells me he loves me.. and wants to be with me.. because i believe in fighting for love because we have a child together. What do i do kick him out of the house. Surely if he didnt want to be together he would have left..ive asked him does he still love me and hes said he does.. just that he cant understand how i make so much of an effort with my friends when i go out and not with him. thanks for reply

cactusgal

Louise8787 wrote: »

Because he tells me he loves me.. and wants to be with me.. because i believe in fighting for love because we have a child together. What do i do kick him out of the house. Surely if he didnt want to be together he would have left..ive asked him does he still love me and hes said he does.. just that he cant understand how i make so much of an effort with my friends when i go out and not with him. thanks for reply

Actions are key. Words are just words, they don't mean much if they're not backed up by loving actions.

Were you together long before you had a child?

He certainly doesn't sound very nice, sorry Please look after yourself x

Louise8787

We were together only 7 months when i got pregnant.. last.4 years has being so stressful.. no your right he hasnt being very nice. Would love to make it work but if hes not willing to try whats the point. Maybe im in denial. I even rang him a while ago saying how hurt i was over the slobs comments and he apologised but like you said words mean nothing. I dont know why.im gods name he would stay in this relationship if he doesnt love me. I love him and thats why i want to fight for it but maybe there's someone out there who will truly love me for me

Ursus Horribilis

4 years together. 3 year old child. You were barely together when you fell pregnant, right? Was it unplanned?

I'm sorry but the way he's speaking to you does not sound like love in my book. Love isn't just about lovey dovey words. It's about deeds too. If he loved you he'd not accuse you off being desperate or call you a slob. That's not a typical couple's row. It's nasty.

As to why he hasn't left? People stay in bad relationships for all sorts of reasons. Maybe he doesn't want to live apart from his child. He might not fancy having to find somewhere else to live. Perhaps the pair of you are in this relationship for the wrong reasons. Like the sunk cost fallacy.

Louise8787

As much as these are hard to hear i agree with you all.. ive said hurtfull things to him lots of times during arguments but have never meant them. We werent even arguing when he said them.
Im going out with my friends later hes being such a prick to me that i said jesus do you wante to end up cheating on you to which he replied if u want to cheat then do it. Ive asked him a few min ago to get his stuff out and to leave the house and he just laughed at me. I am not leaving this house as ive alreay moved down here 2 hours away and ive a new job here. Yes she was un planned but he was so in love with me up to a few weeks ago i dont know where it all went wrong.. just.spoke to him about this he said he loves me to bits and wont leave cause he wants to be with me so i dont know

Ursus Horribilis

What sort of example are you giving your daughter? You're relationship sounds horrible and you're coming up with ridiculous excuses in order to stay. You had a good job where you lived and you can find a good one back there again. But because your self esteem is in the toilet you clearly can't see this. I pity your daughter, I really do. Poor girl.

cactusgal

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I pity your daughter, I really do. Poor girl.

That's a bit harsh. OP is in a very tough position. OP, do you own the house? Do you have family back in your hometown? I'd seriously consider moving back with your daughter if you have support there. Even as a trial separation so you can get a clearer image of the best action to take. What's the job market like where you're from?

Mind yourself x

Icepick

Have an honest discussion about your relationship.
You can rekindl it if there was love and interest in the past, but both of you have to work on it. Just saying I live you is not enough to keep a relationship going nowadays.

judeboy101

If i called my missus a slob and commented on her dress sense id be out of the house quicker than Superman. OP, life is too short, from a male perspective it sounds like he is looking for excuses.

Ursus Horribilis

cactusgal wrote: »

That's a bit harsh. OP is in a very tough position. OP, do you own the house? Do you have family back in your hometown? I'd seriously consider moving back with your daughter if you have support there. Even as a trial separation so you can get a clearer image of the best action to take. What's the job market like where you're from?

Mind yourself x

I don't think so. She has told us "4 years has being so stressful" which implies this relationship has never been plain sailing. I get the impression our OP has absolutely no intention of ending this even though it's possible he has checked out of it. So it'll drag on and this little girl will grow up thinking this is the way relationships work.

Louise8787

To the first comment i didnt come on here for ****ty comments like yours i came on for genuine advice.. you seem to be the one who's seems miserbale and cold in life not me. If i can work through it i will. To the other comment im from Dublin so if i move home its back to my mothers house with my daughter and loose out in seeing her every week. Things are not that bad.. im just asking for advice. Hes great in other ways this is only a recent thing . Like i said we have being under an enormous amount of stress in my first comment. Ive sat him down half an hour ago and he said if he didnt want to be with me he wouldnt that he loves the bones of me. As for my child shes the most intelligent happiest little girl. Shes always smiling and happy so dont feel sorry for her shes fine. Thanks girls for the other comments i really appreciate you taking the time out xx

Louise8787

Are you stupid? First of all we don't argue infront of my little girl and secondly i have sat him down half an hour ago and he told me how much he loved me ect.. yeh its not plain sailing bcoz he lost his sister who was 28 last year my 60 yr old father died a yr later both from cancer and were both devestated.. you haven't a clue the grief were going through.

Louise8787

Yep.i agree hes a prick for saying those things to me. Deffo needs to grow up. But if why say je loved me if he didnt or stay with me if he didnt want too.. i certainly wouldnt

Tigger99

I think some of the posters touched a nerve with you. Just because one was harsh doesn't mean there's not an element of truth. Your daughter is learning through you what to accept in relationships with men. And at the moment that's a very low standard.

Many people grieve without being horrible to their partners or calling them slobs.

Look I hope the responses make you think about what you deserve , because it's much more than what you've described above. Words mean nothing of his actions make you feel unloved and crap. And that's what's coming across.

Also it's kinda hard to read your replies, can you use paragraphs.

Louise8787

Yes i agree with you. I dont like the way he speaks to me or the things he says hurts me. Im very confused and i do think i deserve better.

I have had relationships before and never being spoken to like this. I suppose if he was going to change he would have done it already.

The thoughts of packing up leaving my job pulling my child out of school kills me but i dont want her learning these behaviours from me.

Thanks for your reply

Xterminator

i think what you have said has touched a nerve with some of the posters here!!

i suspect there is a pair of you in it, and you have reported some fo the hurtful things he said to you, but have you been just as unkind? has your relationship gone down a destructive path where when you get upset, that you both lash out with hurtful comments?

if so it can be saved, but it wont save itself. i would suggest couples counselling, where you learn how to break this cycle.

Louise8787

Thats excactly it. I my self can be just as unkind ive also said nasty things too.. im well able to lash back at him. We had a great weekend and a good chat .. and i think we will try the councelling. I know we both love each other. I think me talking about the ring put to much pressure on hi. Thanks 😊

Yellow pack crisps

You need to fix one thing and that is how you communicate. You sound reactionary and he sounds like he picks words to intentionally to hurt you. You sound like you love each other but do not know how to communicate to each other normally. Telling someone you love them to bits while telling them they look like a slob is not real love. Telling your partner do you want me to cheat is not real love. It's tit for tat and that takes its toll and has a shelf life. Your daughter is at an age where she is a sponge and will soak up how you two co exist in a relationship and even if you think you're shielding her you're really not. Go to couples therapy as that will help you but also use the internet to get tecnique and examples of ways to make small improvements while you wait.

Also stop saying you made the sacrifices. Couples both do and to have that mindset will eventually ware you both down.

LegacyUser

Looking at the tone of your last few comments, the poster who raised concerns for your child is right to do so, because your child has parent verbally abusing each other, threatening to cheat and you have asked him to leave the house. You clearly cant see that a hostile, stressful, fractious environment is a toxic one for your child. She may well be a happy, intelligent little girl, but she's currently learning her template for relationships and you're showing her a poor example. You're also typing a litany of excuses for staying and not facing the fact that it's a poor relationship which needs massive overhaul or ending.
You came looking for advice, maybe listen to the people who are taking the time to give it.

Louise8787

Thank you for that reply it made alot of sense. I agree with everything you said. We will definitely try communicate better with one another

doitlikeadude

Louise8787 wrote: »

Because he tells me he loves me.. and wants to be with me.. because i believe in fighting for love because we have a child together. What do i do kick him out of the house. Surely if he didnt want to be together he would have left..ive asked him does he still love me and hes said he does.. just that he cant understand how i make so much of an effort with my friends when i go out and not with him. thanks for reply

Peoles actions and words are 2 very different things

doitlikeadude

Louise8787 wrote: »

Thank you for that reply it made alot of sense. I agree with everything you said. We will definitely try communicate better with one another

Did he even propose

Louise8787

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

Louise8787

Deposit for ring payed for. So we will wait and see

Louise8787

I agree

doitlikeadude

Louise8787 wrote: »

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

No idea what that means

doitlikeadude

Louise8787 wrote: »

Deposit for ring payed for. So we will wait and see

If that's what it takes to make you happy. Good luck with that

Louise8787

Ok thank you and good night

Sono

This thread is very strange and very hard to follow.

OP you’ve gone from being on the brink of a break up and insults being fired at you to a deposit for a ring put down in 2 days, am i missing something here!?

Sorry if I’ve missed something but not sure I have.

Louise8787

The deposit for the ring was payed ages ago.. i obviously have a diffrent opinion to others here. I dont throw away things that can be fixed. I simply came here for advice not to tell me to run a mile and break up a family. Im trying to work things out. And no i dont take insults of him thats why last week i left for 4 nights and it was awful on me and my daughter. We had a big chat the other day i told him it wasnt acceptable the way he spoke to me and i wouldnt put up with it. I am trying to work things out. Maybe i made him out to be a monstor when i first wrote on to this but he's not.. i was angry and upset.

witchgirl26

Louise8787 wrote: »

The deposit for the ring was payed ages ago.. i obviously have a diffrent opinion to others here. I dont throw away things that can be fixed. I simply came here for advice not to tell me to run a mile and break up a family. Im trying to work things out. And no i dont take insults of him thats why last week i left for 4 nights and it was awful on me and my daughter. We had a big chat the other day i told him it wasnt acceptable the way he spoke to me and i wouldnt put up with it. I am trying to work things out. Maybe i made him out to be a monstor when i first wrote on to this but he's not.. i was angry and upset.

OP when you come on a forum like this then you're going to get some opinions you don't like. It doesn't mean you can't take something from them.

You mention in your first post that he has lost his sister recently and you your dad. Is there a chance that his behaviour (& possibly yours) is related to both of you grieving but grieving in different ways. I became a very angry person for a while after my dad died. It wasn't easy at all on my partner and caused fights. Likewise others I know have lost interest in their self-care. I'm not saying you have necessarily but if he lashed out that you were being a slob, there could be a grain of truth there. Does it make it ok for him to do that? No not at all but it might have been him not knowing how to say it and it coming out completely wrong.

Grief is hard and horrible and hits people different ways at different times. I think you both need to have a long conversation with each other (and maybe without your daughter in the house just so you don't have to check on her etc) about where you are both at emotionally. Not just in regards your relationship but in general. While you may be craving the stability of an engagement at this point, he might not be and you do have to respect that also.

Mr. Incognito

My first reaction to this thread was maybe he had paid for the ring and she was badgering him for a proposal when he had already made up his mind and wanted to be spontaneous.

That would annoy anyone who had put thought and effort into it to suddenly be faced with demands.

OP you are not covering yourself in glory here attacking posters who have made valid points about what appears to be a toxic environment.

You have said yourself that there is two of you in it.

I think you need to BOTH sit down and work on your communication and respect skills.

Louise8787

I dont think i attacked anyone.. i didnt like someone telling me they feel sorry for my child. She is perfectly happy also telling me i should leave him in other words. Thats not what i came on for. I came on for advice like your advice to sit down which we have and sorted all this out. Yes he payed for deposit and i was annoying him about it so he told me to stop it will happen when it happens that i shouldn't even know about it.. he wants it to be a suprise.

Louise8787

We can be both hurt full to one another with name calling.. we both are not good handeling stress. Things haven't being easy since we fot together we dont seem to ever get a break.. his mam also has had cancer and just out of a liver transplant .. we are trying our best as parents. I do appreciate everyones comments and advice but i do want to work things out with him. We had a huge chat after i wrote this and things are much better. Thanks

witchgirl26

Louise8787 wrote: »

I dont think i attacked anyone.. i didnt like someone telling me they feel sorry for my child. She is perfectly happy also telling me i should leave him in other words. Thats not what i came on for. I came on for advice like your advice to sit down which we have and sorted all this out. Yes he payed for deposit and i was annoying him about it so he told me to stop it will happen when it happens that i shouldn't even know about it.. he wants it to be a suprise.

OP you can't dictate what responses you get and based on their own experiences, some may see the relationship you're in as not being good for anyone involved and advise leaving it. It doesn't mean that you have to take that advice but you should always respect advice given. And if both her parents are fighting, course it will affect your daughter. It doesn't mean you both don't love her immensely.

Louise8787

Yes i agree. Taking all advice given x

beans

Have you both talked about why you want to marry? For you, why do you want to be this man's wife?

I ask to get more insight into what your respective attitudes to marriage are.

You mention 'surely if he didn't love me he would have left', but I think that's a bit naïve. Depends on what his needs are re the relationship. Often the easiest thing is to not rock the boat, but if he's non committal re the marriage you need to consider that he's playing this hand.

Was your daughter planned? What does he think about another child? Do you work? These are the considerations I'd be taking if i were you. They will help find an answer to the question - is he actively committed or is he just tagging along out of convenience. And how much this means to you, of course. There are many reasons to marry.

Louise8787

We are planning abother child.. he wants another one its me delaying it as i feel im not ready yet. We dont intend on marrying for another 3 years. We are saving hard into a mortgage savings account. He tells me i over think way to much and analyse our arguments to much. He called me a slob cause i was wearing these horribale pants that are 3 sizes to big on me.. he always compliments me he just hates those pants the same as when he wears things i dont like i say it. Hes 4 yrs younger than me also i think its immaturity alot of the time. I know he loves me i know if he didnt he wouldn't stay with me or be booking hotels for us both in december. He would have left i know the person he is. We have being perfect since our big chat last week and hes back to him self.yes i work full time and so does he.. im an intellectual disability nurse. No our first wasnt planned but was the best suprise. Shes amazing

witchgirl26

Louise8787 wrote: »

We are planning abother child.. he wants another one its me delaying it as i feel im not ready yet. We dont intend on marrying for another 3 years. We are saving hard into a mortgage savings account. He tells me i over think way to much and analyse our arguments to much. He called me a slob cause i was wearing these horribale pants that are 3 sizes to big on me.. he always compliments me he just hates those pants the same as when he wears things i dont like i say it. Hes 4 yrs younger than me also i think its immaturity alot of the time. I know he loves me i know if he didnt he wouldn't stay with me or be booking hotels for us both in december. He would have left i know the person he is. We have being perfect since our big chat last week and hes back to him self.yes i work full time and so does he.. im an intellectual disability nurse. No our first wasnt planned but was the best suprise. Shes amazing

OP I'm going to be real honest and I'm sorry if it comes across harsh but it's not meant in that way.

You should definitely hold off on another child for the moment. The advice I was given by a counsellor before my dad died (we knew) was not to make any major life decisions you weren't already planning for at least a year after the death. Your head is all over the place (whether you think it is or not). A child is definitely a major life decision and especially when you've both suffered the loss of an immediate member of your families so recently. It may seem like such a positive thing in light of it but if you're both suffering stress from grief it could end up being the straw. Children are stressful whether they mean to be or not.

He's back to himself at the moment but you have to know that that may change again. At the end of the day you're both grieving and to be honest, you'll never be exactly the people you were before this happened. I'm glad things have been better since you talked.

Louise8787

Thank you so much for your reply. I agree with you kids are stressful im deffo going to hold off until things are better for both of us. Im not ready and it wont make things better. I agree with all you say and really appreciate your advice x