Working with ex, should i tell her I still love her

LegacyUser

Just looking for a bit of advice here. My ex partner started working in the same office as me this summer, we have been split up for over four years are both single now but have both had different relationships since we split. When we split it was her decision. In fairness when she got the job she contacted me straight away to let me know and I was fine with it as I felt we had both fully moved on. now that we have been working together a few months however and seeing each other every day I'm sure that I do still love her and have feelings for her. We have been in contact a lot since she took the job, texting, phone calls and have met up for meals, nothing physical has happened.

I am fairly sure she just sees us as good friends now and I was happy with that but as i have said over the last few weeks I'm sure that my feelings are stronger than that. My question i guess is do I tell her of my feelings and risk damaging the friendship we now have or do I just stay quiet and say nothing?

leggo

I'd always tend to avoid big dramatic declarations of love for someone because if things aren't happening naturally then chances are it's a no and you saying it won't help.

First off, why did you break up? What evidence do you have that things are different now and will allow a relationship to work this time? These are the first questions you need to ask yourself when considering getting back with an ex, just being single isn't enough, as the two of you have already proven incompatible before.

Secondly, if you're getting feelings for someone, it's not really a friendship since you're viewing them romantically. So you're preserving nothing since the 'friendship' you're protecting is a facade to cover your romantic feelings and desires for them, so don't worry about protecting that if you decide to make a move. After considering all of the above, if you still decide to make a move then, rather than telling her you still love her and dumping all of that pressure on her, tell her you've been enjoying spending time with her lately then feel her out about giving it another go romantically. She'll likely have hesitations and doubts since you didn't work out once before, so if you come in declaring love immediately it'll scare her off, but if you float the idea in a non-commital way it may be something she's receptive to.

Big Bag of Chips

If you're pretty sure that she just sees you as friends, what would be your motivation behind telling her you're still in love with her? I think if you find old feelings resurfacing, and you think it's not likely to end well, then you need to distance yourself from her for a bit. Less texting, less calls, less meeting up, less meals out. You are now her colleague. Treat her the same as you do your other colleagues.

Ursus Horribilis

So why did the relationship end? You refer to her as your partner which implies it was a long-term relationship. And she ended it - something she won't have done without reason and without giving it some thought. So what do you think has changed in the four years since? Chances are, she's thinking she's in safe territory now. Four years broken up, both of ye have since dated other people, both are over the relationship. Happy days. You could test the waters a bit to see if there is hope but certainly don't go making any grand declarations

Another thing to bear in mind here is that you're both working in the same place. If she doesn't see you as anything more than a friend, then work is going to become a very uncomfortable place. Are you prepared for that outcome?

LegacyUser

OP here.

To answer questions, The relationship ended because she said that although she loved me she wasnt in love with me anymore, pretty standard line I know. We had been together 6 years. I took it badly at the time and was very surprised that she took a job in our office, we had no contact for over 5 years until she rang to say she was taking job.

Why would i consider telling her my feelings? I suppose just for my own headspace more than anything, i have a habit of bottling things up and just think it would be better for me to put it out there. I know the title I put on thread might suggest otherwise but I have no intention of making any sweeping declaration, just that over the last while I have realised I still have feelings for her.

December2012

You could tell her that you are finding it difficult being around her because you are getting back some feelings for her.

Keep yourself protected

LegacyUser

Anon9000 wrote: »

Why would i consider telling her my feelings? I suppose just for my own headspace more than anything, i have a habit of bottling things up and just think it would be better for me to put it out there.

Tell someone else then. Talk to friends, family, whoever, but I think you'd be mad to tell her. It's been 5 years ago you haven't let go, this is something that needs exorcising, not rekindling. You'd be mad to tell her.

Don't pretend either that you'd just be saying it for the craic, you'd be saying it hoping she feels the same. The odds appear to be very long on that, don't kid yourself otherwise. There are better odds on your confidence being smashed by a knockback, or work becoming awkward, or looking like the bad guy in the office if it all goes wrong.

woodchuck

If you're sure she doesn't see you that way anymore, then don't say anything. You'd be mad to! It would just make working together extremely awkward for both of you and I'm sure the tension will be noticed by others too.

I think you need to gradually ease of the contact with her and keep things purely professional in the workplace.

F*ck no.

LegacyUser

OP here again

Thanks for all the replies, i will leave well enough alone and not say anything and just deal with this myself by easing back on contact.

I do think however that I had dealt with this previously and that i had moved on 100%, my relationship with this woman was a thing of the past for me, something I had dealt with and it wasn't an issue for me in any way other than the early months after we split. It was only when we started contact again on a daily basis and that has been reciprocal that any of my old feelings resurfaced. Looking at it now that was a bad mistake by me to allow it develop like that and it has to stop.

Genuinely, thanks to all for the advice.

beertons

I would mix business and pleasure. Don't say anything, look elsewhere.