My brother's wife has cheated...

runningbuddy

:(Hi folks, my brother is devastated . He has been married 20 years, four children, they youngest is 12. He discovered messages from his wife's work colleague and it was obvious they were having an affair. He confronted his wife and she admitted it but it is long over. From the messages (there are many) it appears to be over.

This only came to light last night. He called me broken this morning:(. To be honest, their marriage has always been a little shaky. She never seemed very happy although, I like her, she is a great mother and has always been supportive of my brother. She is the main bread winner, which I feel has always been an issue.

He has said he is going to "beat the crap" out of this guy and make sure they both lose their jobs, etc. I managed to calm him down.

If she loses her job, they are financially ****ed as and I pointed this out to him. He needs to use his head and think of the kids, etc....He can be volatile.

Can they come back from this?? Has anyone been in this situation?? thanks..just don't know how to help my brother

Sea08

Sad truth is more people than you would care to know have been in this situation, its sadly all too common.

Your brother needs support and help right now and he will have a lot of anger and being there for him and helping him focus his anger into productive steps is important. There are sites out there where other people who have been or are going through this share and support each other. Try googling surviving infidelity for one of them, maybe he could benefit from talking to people there

The truth is the job maybe needed financially for them but if the affair partner is still there then it will most likely have to go. Think about it, how is he supposed to heal when she is going to the same building as this guy every day. 


Right now, it may be best if she leaves the home whilst he works through the initial anger and feelings and once he is past the initial anger and shock, maybe he can start to think about what he wants, Divorce or Reconciliation. My advice would be to make some conditions he needs met to even consider continuing the marriage, like full disclosure, a timeline, a no contact letter to the other person, counselling for her to figure out why she would have an affair. 


You need to help your brother understand he isn't at fault for any of this, he may have been responsible for issues in their marriage but that doesn't mean he isn't at all responsible for the affair, they aren't connected. Her affair is about her and her failings as a person only, he isn't at fault for it.

GingerLily

Make sure he does nothing aggressive/ physical toward his wife or the other man, it may affect his chances of getting custody and staying in the family home.

LegacyUser

runningbuddy wrote: »

:(Hi folks, my brother is devastated . He has been married 20 years, four children, they youngest is 12. He discovered messages from his wife's work colleague and it was obvious they were having an affair. He confronted his wife and she admitted it but it is long over. From the messages (there are many) it appears to be over.

This only came to light last night. He called me broken this morning:(. To be honest, their marriage has always been a little shaky. She never seemed very happy although, I like her, she is a great mother and has always been supportive of my brother. She is the main bread winner, which I feel has always been an issue.

He has said he is going to "beat the crap" out of this guy and make sure they both lose their jobs, etc. I managed to calm him down.

If she loses her job, they are financially ****ed as and I pointed this out to him. He needs to use his head and think of the kids, etc....He can be volatile.

Can they come back from this?? Has anyone been in this situation?? thanks..just don't know how to help my brother

hi OP,
it's a bad situation alright, but listen, this near EXACT situation only just happened with my own brother recently. not only had he found out she had cheated before, he forgave, they tried to move on but then he found out again. it was tough going, but do you know what - i happened to be friends with his wife for years, during their time together AND before they got together, so i sort of stepped in (i know, probably leave it "none of my business" etc) but it worked out wonders. she was told some very harsh home truths, and she listened.

she needed to be told that she had built up a fantasy about the other guy, she was told how it is definitely not going to work out in her favour. she was told to think long and hard about what she is doing, because in the long term, it is not going to work out for her, and she will end up alone, and regretting the biggest mistake of her life.

now, i would only advise this course of action IF and only IF your brother WANTS to work it all out with her.

but for now, what he needs to do is make sure she understand that no matter what, he is going nowhere from the house. he will be there, and is not going anywhere.
she may be the breadwinner, but she is the one who broke her vows, and as much as you might think the irish court system would award everything to the woman, it is simply not true. she cheated, and she needs to be made feel terrible for doing that.

she needs to be completely broken down until she is a wreck and from there, she can finally start to be truthful, remorseful and then once you have broken her, she will see that she wont be better off continuing on this path.

she needs to be told that everyone in the family KNOWS everything, and make her feel ashamed and embarrased. i know, i told my parents about everything about my SIL, and she cracked, got a fright, got herself together and they have been working on it since. they seem happier than ever in the last few months since all of that happened, and i think by making it be "out there" and making her know that people know what she has done, then it will hit her hard enough for her to feel like she caused this mess and that he wont be going anywhere, and will force her to confront it properly.

make sure your brother tells her straight and makes it clear that he is not leaving the house, and that she cheated, it's all her fault and that the kids will find out what she did in a few years and will HATE her for it. once they turn 18 they will go back to daddy anyway, so make sure she knows that's the case. she hardly wants to go from being a brilliant mother, to her kids hating her because of the truth>?

she needs to be told this. if she knows that the kids WILL be told about this, it will all end.

this is all again, IF your brother wants to proceed with trying to keep the family together.


just my 2c anyway. hope it works out.

Xterminator

exact same pretty much wrote: »

and she needs to be made feel terrible for doing that....make her feel ashamed and embarrased

well i think your brother can either try to save the relationship or try to punish her, but not both. Bad advice above,

calm heads need to prevail here, and its great if he can vent to you, let off all that steam, but not complicate what is an already desperate situation.

he needs to take a time to decide what he wants to do, and if its try to continue the marriage he needs to know if she is willing to commit to that too.

MissShihTzu

I would try to steer your brother towards advice - legal and counselling.

Ginger Lily is right. He HAS to get his emotions under control. This guy his wife was with is not worth the aggro of a court case. And if he did beat the guy up, it's not going to look good in any separation, divorce or custody case. He'll look like a man who cannot control himself.

I hope it works out for you all.

lazybones32

For now op, the best thing you can do is give him your time when it's needed and prevent him from hospitalising the other man. Kicking the shi'ite out of him might seem like a good idea but it isn't. Maybe give him a heads up that the truth is out and an angry husband may be on the warpath. I don't advise this for the good of either cheater but your brother.

leggo

I'd be careful of the advice to shame her, people tend to react badly to shaming, it puts them on the defensive and focusing on the external problems that contributed to their decision. There are a lot of emotions flying around right now, trying to deal with them all by shaming someone into being a subservient, more loyal partner probably won't end well.

Big Bag of Chips

All you can do for now is listen to him. He's going to fluctuate between angry, sad, hopeful, devastated, angry again. Their relationship really is up to them. Try not to pass judgement. They may end up staying together and trying to work it out. It's easier to do if your family aren't sticking the knife in!

Time really is the only thing that will sort this out. Let him get angry/upset and vent at you. But try to figure out how he's feeling/what he wants. He may want to stay with her, but might feel make pride getting in the way. He might want to separate from her and never speak to her again. You can't really do anything, its his relationship. But just be there. Listen. Don't rush in to "fix" it, because you can't.

Hannibal_Smith

Tell him to calm down. Be doesn't have license to act how he wants.

Steviesol

That's the Irish way "Ashamed and Embarrassed"

Sure send her away to the laundries. I despair sometimes..

LegacyUser

I would completely disagree with the extreme advice given earlier also,
for a start one big reason why marriages often don't recover from affairs is the person who had the affair can't forgive themselves, of course the person should feel ashamed and remorseful and that will naturally happen anyway if they are attempting to work through it while discussing the issues, why it happened, how the person felt, dealing with the trust issues which follow and so on, but it's like you're suggesting to purposely make her feel as bad as it is possible to feel, like she's scum of the earth and beyond contempt.

The family definitely doesn't need to be told everything, if the people involved choose to tell family as they are unable to hide it, want a support system etc. need advice etc, then again that will naturally happen, I certainly wouldn't want to just go and tell everyone for the sake of it so that my partner would feel shamed into staying with me, who the hell wants that kind of relationship?

Also there's nothing to suggest that the kids will HATE her or go back to daddy when they're 18 either, kids will nearly always love their parents no matter what they do, they may hate something that they did but it's unlikely they will think she is the scum of the earth like the earlier poster seems to think.

While I think in these kind of situations couples will often say things like the kids will know you left us or they'll hate you etc, those comments are just comments that come out when the relationship or person is going through so much pain... and while they are understandable things to say in times of extreme distress it's not something you can hold over someones head forever, if the couple are going to split they're going to split and a home life where one person is only staying due to threats like this is unlikely to be a happy and healthy one for the kids anyway.

I don't think anything is going to be dealt with if he's going into the conversations with a check list of things that he must say to her in order to get her to see sense, these conversations might occur or they will be dealt with in a different way as each couple is different.

I am also pretty sure that the Irish court system has a no fault policy in regards to custody, divorce, house settlements etc. so if they were to split up that doesn't mean he would get to stay in the house just because she cheated.

Of course neither can throw the other person out but if they do choose to split the tension may become impossible to live with and one will have to move out.

exact same pretty much

exact same pretty much wrote: »

she needs to be completely broken down until she is a wreck and from there, she can finally start to be truthful, remorseful and then once you have broken her, she will see that she wont be better off continuing on this path

Jesus H Christ. OP, please don't be this guy. Just support your brother, help him figure out what to do and let HIM deal with his marriage problems.

Persiancowboy

exact same pretty much wrote: »

hi OP,








she needs to be completely broken down until she is a wreck and from there, she can finally start to be truthful, remorseful and then once you have broken her, she will see that she wont be better off continuing on this path.

she needs to be told that everyone in the family KNOWS everything, and make her feel ashamed and embarrased. i know, i told my parents about everything about my SIL, and she cracked, got a fright, got herself together and they have been working on it since. they seem happier than ever in the last few months since all of that happened, and i think by making it be "out there" and making her know that people know what she has done, then it will hit her hard enough for her to feel like she caused this mess and that he wont be going anywhere, and will force her to confront it properly.

make sure your brother tells her straight and makes it clear that he is not leaving the house, and that she cheated, it's all her fault and that the kids will find out what she did in a few years and will HATE her for it. once they turn 18 they will go back to daddy anyway, so make sure she knows that's the case. she hardly wants to go from being a brilliant mother, to her kids hating her because of the truth>?

she needs to be told this. if she knows that the kids WILL be told about this, it will all end.

I don't know where to start commenting on this ......what next...a public stoning maybe? This is possibly the worst "advice" I have ever seen written on these forums. Hopefully the Op will completely ignore

Meauldsegosha

exact same pretty much wrote: »

now, i would only advise this course of action IF and only IF your brother WANTS to work it all out with her.

she needs to be completely broken down until she is a wreck she needs to be told that everyone in the family KNOWS everything, and make her feel ashamed and embarrased.

that the kids will find out what she did in a few years and will HATE her for it.

OP, if your brother wants to work things out with his wife IGNORE this advice. This course of action will lead to deep routed resentment and anger for all involved and will resolve nothing.

Be there for your brother, listen to him, be his sounding board. It is not going to help anybody, himself included, if he is agressive or violent towards anyone.

If your brother wants to save his marriage, counselling for him and his wife, seperate and together would be advisable.

If he feels the marriage is over, he should seek legal advice. Counselling would also be beneficial to him.

Nemanrio

The damage is now done. Time to divorce the wife, try to be civil with her, start afresh and concentrate on bringing up the kids. Once he feels up to it, find another bird.

professore

I think he should just tell her to go and be with the other guy and divorce.

He will do well out of the divorce as she is the main breadwinner and he is the main childminder. He should get a fair bit of custody too and might get the house.

Once cheating like this happens it breaks the marriage forever. It's far far worse than a one night stand with some random stranger.

This is going to sound very old fashioned but families where the wife is the main breadwinner rarely work out well. The wife consciously or unconsciously resents the husband staying at home all day "doing nothing" and starts to admire that go getting successful co worker that she wishes her husband was half the man he is.

Commonly it is the husband who cheats out of some feeling of inadequacy, plus he has far more opportunities with the yummy mummies dropping the kids off than he would in a more serious, structured and monitored work environment.

And make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. Cool calm and collected at all times around her. Stay away from the other guy entirely. He got what he wanted and won't want anything to do with a divorcee with 4 kids, especially if he's married himself.

He has to realise his wife was not the person he thought she was - and it isn't his fault.

worded

Everyone will suffer, the husband, bit mostly the kids

She leaves the house if she wants to continue this affair

Google - why people have affairs
google - gettifkver bitterness

Www.ted.com affairs

Lots of resources out there

If he looses his cool, the police will remove him from the house and he looses the roof over his head.

Seek mediation and Councelling immediately

Don't over burden friends and work colleagues, that's why he needs prof help.

So many relationships are breaking up these days, it's sadest for the kids

Caranica

professore wrote: »

He will do well out of the divorce as she is the main breadwinner and he is the main childminder. He should get a fair bit of custody too and might get the house.

That's not what happens in the family courts here. My friend was in a similar situation and gets his child once a week and only has an overnight every three weeks.

The best advice for the brother is to try to work it out in a civilised manner and get the court to rubber stamp it. Going to court will not be the walk in the park some posters here seem to think we have. Don't forget our divorce is "no fault", his wife's actions won't have repercussions for her, he's the one breaking the family up.

up for anything

exact same pretty much wrote: »

she needed to be told that she had built up a fantasy about the other guy, she was told how it is definitely not going to work out in her favour. she was told to think long and hard about what she is doing, because in the long term, it is not going to work out for her, and she will end up alone, and regretting the biggest mistake of her life. .

I'm not sure where you are going with that. The world is full of happy couples who left their other halves behind.

As for the rest of your advice the less said the better. It reads like emotional and verbal abuse and would be better suited to being used in Guantanamo Bay.

professore wrote: »

as she is the main breadwinner and he is the main childminder. He should get a fair bit of custody too and might get the house.

You make it sound like he's winning the lotto instead of it being up to the main breadwinner as to whether she's bothered paying. The courts, if they behave like they do with men in her position, are great at ordering maintenance to be paid but not so good at seeing that it gets paid.


OP, you can't do much except advise your brother not to touch or harrass the guy, and I'm not quite sure how he could make them lose their jobs but why would he do that to his own children.

You said:

To be honest, their marriage has always been a little shaky. She never seemed very happy although, I like her, she is a great mother and has always been supportive of my brother.

She doesn't sound like a bad person. How come your brother hasn't been working? It seems to me that whatever problems they've had in the marriage they haven't been able to work out and will hardly work them out now in light of the affair. Especially as you say your brother can be volatile. People usually say something like that when the person has a bit of a nasty temper which may have contributed to her not being happy in the marriage.

It seems to me that you should stay out of it and let them sort it out. Of course you need to support your brother but be careful of becoming a crutch for him, and maybe she too could do with a bit of support. I know blood is thicker than water but she's been in your family for twenty years and is the mother of your nieces and nephews.

pilly

I don't want to quote that very long verbal assault from earlier but OP please don't pay any attention to that advice. It's the most bitter, angry thing I've seen ever on this forum.

I think in matters of a marriage no-one truly knows what goes on behind closed doors. You can advice your brother and try to keep him calm, I think you're right to prevent him attacking the other man, he doesn't need an assault charge on top of everything else. Apart from that all you can really do is to be there for him.

If you go in blazing guns and say he should leave her, she's a bitch etc. then if they sort things out it's going to be very awkward between you. I know this from experience.

Very best of luck to you and your brother.

beefburrito

My last girlfriend who wasn't my wife cheated on me.
I remember her telling me she cheated on her husband and her last long term relationship before she met me.

But they deserved it.
And she wouldn't cheat again lol
Anyhow there she was on tinder 4 months into our relationship, organising a rendezvous with my Surfing buddy,tk fck he's a good mate.
She never met him but he knew what she looked like..

She was literally telling him she will drive down from Galway for a bit of the old how's your father....

Once a cheat always a cheat

LegacyUser

Cheating on partners with work colleagues is completely swept under the carpet in this country. I’ve witnessed it a few times especially at overnight situations .
Drink is always used as an excuse and memory blackouts a lot of it
It’s sad but it’s the usual -if I can get away with i will mentality.

Hope whatever happens here works out for the best

ziggyman17

Once a cheat always a cheat..... not only was she cheating on you, but she was also cheating on her children........ I can not nor would not tell you to do but if it was you that was caught cheating what would your wife do ?

pilly

ziggyman17 wrote:

Once a cheat always a cheat..... not only was she cheating on you, but she was also cheating on her children........ I can not nor would not tell you to do but if it was you that was caught cheating what would your wife do ?

Don't think you even read the title of the thread did you?

Neon_Lights

It's a man's job to respect women. It's a woman's job to give him something to respect.

Clearly in an age of "empowerment" and sexual accessibility that this woman has succumbed to the allure of the other person.

Marriage is a commitment, but I think it's far too commonplace these days due to people's sense of entitlement and convenience that things like these happen.

I would advise the op's brother to ask his wife to leave as she's done the cheating.

punisher5112

Its his brothers wife not his own.

Neon_Lights

punisher5112 wrote: »

Its his brothers wife not his own.

You punisher, corrected