Wedding Invitation Dilemna

Tisserand

A girl I work with is getting married on October bank holiday weekend i.e. 3 weeks time. Several colleagues have mentioned during the course of the summer that the bride to be had said everyone on our team is being invited to the wedding. So I always had in the back of my mind I have an October wedding and didn't make any plans for the October Bank Holiday weekend.

Last week, I was leaving work with one of my colleagues and as we were passing her car, she said she wanted to show me the dress she was wearing to the wedding. I said I didn't realise the invites had been sent and she asked had I not got one. I told her I hadn't, then she said that the bride to be told her she had sent one in the post but it had been returned and this girl had advised her to log on to our staff system and make sure the correct address had been put on it.
10 days later I still haven't received the invite. This same colleague who showed me the dress is organising a collection at work to mark this girl's marriage. I emailed the girl yesterday and told her I needed to go to the atm at lunchtime and would give her some money when I got back. She emailed me back and said she had spoken to the bride to be and that the invite had gone out a second time. I am off work today, and the postman has come and gone and I still haven't received it. I have been getting all my other post incidentally.

Now, I don't know what to think or, indeed, believe. The girl would have had to check the staff records system to check addresses for all our other colleagues. My address is correct on the system.

The main thing is I want to make other plans for the October Bank Holiday as it's only 3 weeks away. I only have a working relationship with this girl and don't really know her that well at all and I don't feel I can approach her to ask her right out if she is inviting me or not, after all, I only have the word of the other colleague that there seemed to be difficulty delivering my invitation!

I don't want to make it an issue in front of my other colleagues so I'm reluctant to ask any of them about the rspv date as I don't know who else has or hasn't been invited.

I am sure this girl will be looking for rsvp's - if she thinks I have got an invite and I haven't replied one way or the other, is she likely to ask me if I am going or not, or at this stage 3 weeks before the wedding, has the rspv date long gone past?

I was at a wedding in the summer and I had to rsvp 4 weeks before the wedding date.

ec18

Tisserand wrote: »

A girl I work with is getting married on October bank holiday weekend i.e. 3 weeks time. Several colleagues have mentioned during the course of the summer that the bride to be had said everyone on our team is being invited to the wedding. So I always had in the back of my mind I have an October wedding and didn't make any plans for the October Bank Holiday weekend.

Last week, I was leaving work with one of my colleagues and as we were passing her car, she said she wanted to show me the dress she was wearing to the wedding. I said I didn't realise the invites had been sent and she asked had I not got one. I told her I hadn't, then she said that the bride to be told her she had sent one in the post but it had been returned and this girl had advised her to log on to our staff system and make sure the correct address had been put on it.
10 days later I still haven't received the invite. This same colleague who showed me the dress is organising a collection at work to mark this girl's marriage. I emailed the girl yesterday and told her I needed to go to the atm at lunchtime and would give her some money when I got back. She emailed me back and said she had spoken to the bride to be and that the invite had gone out a second time. I am off work today, and the postman has come and gone and I still haven't received it. I have been getting all my other post incidentally.

Now, I don't know what to think or, indeed, believe. The girl would have had to check the staff records system to check addresses for all our other colleagues. My address is correct on the system.

The main thing is I want to make other plans for the October Bank Holiday as it's only 3 weeks away. I only have a working relationship with this girl and don't really know her that well at all and I don't feel I can approach her to ask her right out if she is inviting me or not, after all, I only have the word of the other colleague that there seemed to be difficulty delivering my invitation!

I don't want to make it an issue in front of my other colleagues so I'm reluctant to ask any of them about the rspv date as I don't know who else has or hasn't been invited.

I am sure this girl will be looking for rsvp's - if she thinks I have got an invite and I haven't replied one way or the other, is she likely to ask me if I am going or not, or at this stage 3 weeks before the wedding, has the rspv date long gone past?

I was at a wedding in the summer and I had to rsvp 4 weeks before the wedding date.

Make your own plans and move on

SB_Part2

Tisserand wrote: »

I am sure this girl will be looking for rsvp's - if she thinks I have got an invite and I haven't replied one way or the other, is she likely to ask me if I am going or not, or at this stage 3 weeks before the wedding, has the rspv date long gone past?

I'm surprised the bride to be hasn't contacted you about this. I reckon you're not getting invited so make other plans. If you don't know the girl well enough to ask her then I don't know why she'd invite you anyway.

Owryan

I take it from your post she knows you haven't received an invitation but hasn't actually come to you about it.

She could easily say that "the wedding is on XXX but you didn't receive your invite, really want you to come".

If she hasnt, then you have your answer.

Wildcard7

I am going to suggest something completely mad. You might think I've gone crazy, violating every social standard, but it's worth a shot. Why not talk to the bride, and ask her directly whether you're invited or not?

Faith

Wildcard7 wrote: »

I am going to suggest something completely mad. You might think I've gone crazy, violating every social standard, but it's worth a shot. Why not talk to the bride, and ask her directly whether you're invited or not?

I do feel that, if you're going to make snarky suggestions, you should probably be sure you've read the OP clearly first :pac:

Tisserand wrote: »

I only have a working relationship with this girl and don't really know her that well at all and I don't feel I can approach her to ask her right out if she is inviting me or not, after all, I only have the word of the other colleague that there seemed to be difficulty delivering my invitation!

Hitman3000

Faith wrote:

I do feel that, if you're going to make snarky suggestions, you should probably be sure you've read the OP clearly first

Snarky or not, it is a sensible suggestion.

Kalimah

From the looks of it you haven't been invited. All that bull about incorrect addresses etc makes no sense. If the invite had been returned why wouldn't she just have given it to you? Just go ahead and make your own plans for the weekend.
I'd say what happened is that someone said "oh everyone is invited" and that wasn't the case at all. Now the girl is too embarrassed to say actually " you're not invited" so is coming out with the bull about lost invites.
If you were bolshie enough you could come straight out and say it. If it was me I'd leave it. Life's too short.

SteM

If you don't have the sort of relationship where you feel comfortable enough to ask her to her face then you shouldn't worry about it. You didn't get an invitaion, the bride knows you haven't and hasn't even emailed you clear it up so make your own arrangements for that weekend.

Work weddings are the worst, you've dodged a bullet believe me.

Hitman3000

My take, the October bank holiday is a great time of year for a city break. I would only give up this weekend for a family member or close friend. No invite and I doubt one is coming. You admit you don't really know her. So make your own plans, it's only 3 weeks away.

AlanG

Firstly, it sounds like you are just not invited.
Secondly if she did look up you address on the staff system for this reason you could quite possibly sue the company and probably get her fired so you should be careful who you say that to.

Sofiztikated

I dint see any dilemma.

You weren't invited.

groovyg

SteM wrote: »

Work weddings are the worst, you've dodged a bullet believe me.

This *1000, Op make some other plans for that weekend.

Milly33

I would start making your own plans and don't think about it so much.. And whatever you do, don't hold a grudge against the bride for not inviting you!! Don't make it about you... Make whatever plans you want to make..

pwurple

How odd is that girl who is feeding you all this information? I swear like. 

"Oh, were you not invited, come look at the dress cos I am", and then this story about post office returns and looking up addresses on the work system and her talking to the bride about you etc. Feckin' ell like. Just hand deliver it if it exists.

If there is an invite, at this stage it's likely to be an afters or similar.

xalot

If the invite got returned to her then why wouldn't she just give it to you at work? The lost in the post story sounds like rubbish....maybe you're on the 'reserves' list and she's waiting till she gets back the RSVP's to extend an invitation to you.

I'd make a small contribution to the company gift and get on with your own plans. Weddings of people you barely know are no craic at all.

XVII

as some people already said, if it's someone I had only working relationship with, I'd be happy not to get any invites at all. Not sure what's the problem is here.

If you don't know her well enough to ask, then you don't know her well enough to be asked.

My thinking.

Tisserand

Thanks everyone for all the replies. Yes, I can't understand why, if the invitation has been returned by An Post, that she just couldn't have walked all the 6ft distance to my desk and hand it to me!

I really never would have expected to be invited to this wedding, but because it has been going on all summer that everyone was being invited, as well as the (bizarre) interventions of the other girl about the invite getting lost in the post, that had me being somewhat under the illusion that I was being invited. I am going to go ahead tonight and book a flight for a citybreak that weekend - I will enjoy it better than a wedding anyway. Thanks again everyone. T

Hitman3000

Tisserand wrote:

I really never would have expected to be invited to this wedding, but because it has been going on all summer that everyone was being invited, as well as the (bizarre) interventions of the other girl about the invite getting lost in the post, that had me being somewhat under the illusion that I was being invited. I am going to go ahead tonight and book a flight for a citybreak that weekend - I will enjoy it better than a wedding anyway. Thanks again everyone. T

Prague is beautiful this time of year, a little chilly but worth it.

rainbowtrout

Tisserand wrote: »

Thanks everyone for all the replies. Yes, I can't understand why, if the invitation has been returned by An Post, that she just couldn't have walked all the 6ft distance to my desk and hand it to me!

I really never would have expected to be invited to this wedding, but because it has been going on all summer that everyone was being invited, as well as the (bizarre) interventions of the other girl about the invite getting lost in the post, that had me being somewhat under the illusion that I was being invited. I am going to go ahead tonight and book a flight for a citybreak that weekend - I will enjoy it better than a wedding anyway. Thanks again everyone. T

You were never invited. God knows why your workmate was inventing some bull**** story. If the bride had invited you and had the invite returned, you'd have got it by now, one way or the other. It's probably just the other girl stirring **** for some reason, knowing you would never ask the bride directly about the wedding invite.

Nowhere in your post do you say the bride told you directly that you were ever invited. Your opening line says someone said all the team was going to be invited. You never got that from the bride.

Forget about it, it's just a random co-worker that you don't know very well.

LynnGrace

rainbowtrout wrote: »

You were never invited. God knows why your workmate was inventing some bull**** story. If the bride had invited you and had the invite returned, you'd have got it by now, one way or the other. It's probably just the other girl stirring **** for some reason, knowing you would never ask the bride directly about the wedding invite.

Nowhere in your post do you say the bride told you directly that you were ever invited. Your opening line says someone said all the team was going to be invited. You never got that from the bride.

Forget about it, it's just a random co-worker that you don't know very well.

Agreed.
Book something nice for the weekend and stress no more.

razorblunt

Did the bride to be get all the addresses from a work database? Is that allowed?

If she hasn't gone to the bother of sorting it out directly, I'd throw some money in the whip around jar, sign the card and then enjoy my weekend doing whatever I wanted!

Tisserand

Thanks everyone for your replies. There's been an update. When I got home from work this evening, an invitation had arrived in the post. (RSVP date last weekend!).

Just wondering what is the correct protocol here - I've never had to decline a wedding invitation before - Do I need to explain to her why I can't go (I have booked a weekend away), or just tick the 'regret box' on the card and return. I will be out of the office at meetings for the next few days so won't be working with her again until Monday.

Also I have already contributed to the collection at work and the gifts have been bought and I have signed the card - do I need to give a separate present now as well given that I've received an invite, but can't attend?

JayRoc

Tisserand wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your replies. There's been an update. When I got home from work this evening, an invitation had arrived in the post. (RSVP date last weekend!).

Just wondering what is the correct protocol here - I've never had to decline a wedding invitation before - Do I need to explain to her why I can't go (I have booked a weekend away), or just tick the 'regret box' on the card and return. I will be out of the office at meetings for the next few days so won't be working with her again until Monday.

Also I have already contributed to the collection at work and the gifts have been bought and I have signed the card - do I need to give a separate present now as well given that I've received an invite, but can't attend?

You are massively overthinking this.


Tick "regret".

Enjoy your weekend away.

Do not add to the gifts you have already given.

Rubberchikken

I'd make plans for the weekend if i were you and forget about this wedding. If you're not close chances are there was no invite. What this other colleague is going on about just seems odd.

pwurple

Tisserand wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your replies. There's been an update. When I got home from work this evening, an invitation had arrived in the post. (RSVP date last weekend!).

Just wondering what is the correct protocol here - I've never had to decline a wedding invitation before - Do I need to explain to her why I can't go (I have booked a weekend away), or just tick the 'regret box' on the card and return. I will be out of the office at meetings for the next few days so won't be working with her again until Monday.

Also I have already contributed to the collection at work and the gifts have been bought and I have signed the card - do I need to give a separate present now as well given that I've received an invite, but can't attend?

No additional gift required.
Tick regret and return.

If you knew her enough to have a conversation I would hand it to her and say “sorry I can’t make it, I will be in Prague, have a great day”.

zoobizoo

Don't post it back.

Just walk over to her, invite in hand.

"thanks a mil for the invite. I can't make it (put on a sorry / regretful face..... no need to say what you are going to do) . Hope you have a great day. How are all the plans going for it?"

I've been in the situation before, where for the first time, I had to reject an invitation to a wedding.
Similar to yourself, I was worried about explaining myself. I ended up just sending a reply saying "Sorry I can't make it" and left it that.
I ran into the bride a few weeks later, and started to explain/defend myself, and I was cut off almost immediately, with her saying "It's absolutely fine"

The point being, (Irish) people are terrified of saying no, and over think everything. Realistically, the bride/groom just want to confirm numbers, and understand people wont be able to make it.

As for yourself, as you work with the girl, I'd just say it to her in work, and apologise that you can't make it, and wish them luck.

Also, invites do get lost. I have a pair of friends, living in the same house in London. 2 invitations were sent to the same house on the same date. One lad received his, and the other never did

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

Ghekko

Agree, tick 'regret' and send it back - absolutely no explanation required. And definitely don't give a gift as you have already contributed to one. If I dont accept an invite to a wedding or party of a person I am not close to I would only send a card - never a gift.

It sounds like you received a 'second round" invite especially since it was after the RSVP date, invitations had been declined so there was space for you to make up the numbers, physically & financially.

You do not need to get another gift, go enjoy your weekend, it will probably turn out to be less expensive than attending the wedding!

ArthurG

Bloody hell.. the ridiculous situations people create for themselves.

Just walk over to her desk (you said its 6 feet away?), and explain you cannot go.