Home Sick

LegacyUser

Hi All,

This may not be terribly serious compared to other topics on here but here goes. I moved to England eight years ago for work. At the time I had planned to move home again after my three year contract..

But... I fell in love with my now wife (married two years), bought a house and settled down here.

However I have never gotten over my home sickness. For the first two years I was home once a month or so. But each time it got harder and harder to leave, so I now avoid going home to be honest.

Since I lost my dad in January I really really miss home. But, due to family commitments here in the UK we are simply not in a position to move home for years! To be honest, I doubt my wife would even entertain the idea... she just doesn't get why I would miss a cold rainy small town on the west cost of ireland.

Any ideas how to get over this? or bring up the topic with my wife?

Thanks

Ursus Horribilis

Have you ever spoken to your wife about this? Not necessarily the bit about how you'd love to move home but how you're feeling. Perhaps saying the words out loud and having a conversation about it would help.

It looks like you have two choices here. Either split with your wife and come home. Or take steps to make England your home. Do you have much of a social network where you live? Many friends? Any hobbies/sports/other activities that take you out of the house? Maybe talking to a counsellor could help too. It might also be worth considering that even if you went back to your home town, you can never go home. You might find that the reality of home doesn't fit the idea you've built up in your head. Will you be able to get a job back home? Can you afford to buy a house? Have many of your friends continued to live in the area? What do you think life would be like on a rainy Wednesday night in February?

silverharp

the only way to sell it would be to have a better quality of life. We moved back from the UK to Ireland but it was a no brainer as we were living in Maidenhead (sleepy dormer town) and back to a proper city. I'd no particular reason to go anywhere else but it wouldnt have gone down well if I had suggested the west or the south as my wife was a city girl.
it sounds like you dont have kids yet but maybe your views would change when if and when you have some. It will be a case of home being where they are? or otherwise down the road move somewhere within England that is less crowded so you can have a bit of space.

DoozerT6

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It might also be worth considering that even if you went back to your home town, you can never go home. You might find that the reality of home doesn't fit the idea you've built up in your head. Will you be able to get a job back home? Can you afford to buy a house? Have many of your friends continued to live in the area? What do you think life would be like on a rainy Wednesday night in February?

This. OP whenever we visit home when we're living away, especially if we don't get back all that often, there is always a 'holiday' element to it. People are generally glad to see you and will make the effort to meet up for a drink or whatever. We continually see things through nostalgic eyes because we know we're going away again, so we savour the experience while we can. You may find it very different if you actually move back home and live there. UH's points above are spot on. A job of course being the main thing, then accommodation, followed by how many of your friends are themselves still living locally. Would you even have anything in common with them any more, or would be more like that Bruce Springsteen song, 'Glory Days', where you all just sit around and talk about the old days?

Having said all that, if you really are feeling a genuine pull towards home and think you might possibly be able to make it work if you relocated, I think you owe it to your wife to have a proper conversation about the situation and how you're feeling. Would she consider a trial period living here? Could you take a couple of months off and move here for that length of time? You might have a better idea of how you're feeling after that.

I think you owe it to yourself to explore this further. It would be awful to be stuck in England, and miserably homesick all the time. But you must take a hard realistic look at it and make sure you are not confusing nostalgia with homesickness.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses guys..

Yes we have talked about it in a 'wouldn't it be great' type of a way. But we've never seriously talked about it. She doesnt have any fond memories of where she grew up, so she finds it hard to relate to my homesickness.

We don't have kids yet, but we are starting to try for them in the new year. I have tried to push how good our gaelscoils are for kids (i went to one). She is all for the education side but i dont think she could cope with the weather side.

I agree, I don't think home will ever be home again. So I am stuck between my new home in England (which has never felt right) and the shadow of the home I knew. I still have a large network of friends at home who have young families of their own, however my wife would be leaving all of her friends behind.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you sure you want to try for children when this is nagging at you? I knew a married couple from different countries who eventually divorced over the issue of where to live. He wanted to live in Ireland, she wanted to live in her home country. They had children too so he had to get on a plane to see them. In other words, tread very very carefully here.