I'm being bullied

kaiser31

At the grand old age of 39 I find myself in the unenviable position of being bullied at work. It has never happened to me before and I find myself paralysed by it. It's bloody awful and I don't know what to do about it. I always considered myself to be a nice person, a good employee and a great work mate but my colleague has come for me with such vitriol and aggression and it's knocked me for six. I dread coming to work every morning, I spend my weekends dreading Monday. It's a vicious never ending circle. I don't know what to do? The boss knows because our former colleague told him on her last day but he just told me to be a big girl and deal with her. So I won't get any support there. I'm worn.

Mister Gooey

Is there a HR department at your workplace? If so, raise a complaint immediately.

Squatman

Rise to it. Pull her aside some day, tell her she is behaving unprofessionally towards you and you will not accept it. Then go to your supervisor, tell him what has happened, and that you want her supervisor informed too. I did similar in work a few years ago and the person changed in an instant. (Im aware that its situation dependent, and people here will also tell you "lifes too short, find work elsewhere etc. but for gods sake stick up for yourself. Shes picking on you because your allowing yourself to be picked on!!)

kaiser31

This person is the HR contact. We have an outside HR company that does contracts etc

Wheety

Is this a colleague at the same level as you or a supervisor?

dev100

kaiser31 wrote:

This person is the HR contact. We have an outside HR company that does contracts etc

Log and detail every interaction with this person absolutely everything .... generally HR only do stuff like this because they are being directed to by a boss etc . When you have armed yourself with enough evidence present it to your boss in an official capacity ie email etc and let them deal with it .

kaiser31

She is the same level. It's a really small company, only 12 of us.

I know I need to stand up for myself but I think she is trying to goad me into something.

She has form for this behaviour, my predecessor left over the same thing.

I've started documenting stuff and when I read over it's mental behaviour.

Wheety

Tell your boss that he needs to do something about this situation and it's not good enough to just tell you to be a big girl. Tell him you are being bullied and the company should be protecting it's staff from this type of behavior.

kaiser31

I know I need to do something. Jesus it's tough going, you never realise how bad it is until it's happening to you.

Wheety

It can be very tough in that situation as you feel that trying to stand up for yourself will make you look like a trouble maker. And sometimes you think that maybe you are in the wrong. Bullies only pick on people they think will let them away with their behavior.

Is she bullying anyone else?

kaiser31

Wheety wrote: »

It can be very tough in that situation as you feel that trying to stand up for yourself will make you look like a trouble maker. And sometimes you think that maybe you are in the wrong. Bullies only pick on people they think will let them away with their behavior.

Is she bullying anyone else?

No, I have her sole attention at the moment. I'm only here ten months so I'm fresh blood. She gave the last girl in my job a desperate time of it. This girl complained and complained but she got nowhere. She left the company because she couldn't take it anymore. And the bully has absolutely blackened this poor girls name.

Squatman

can you give more specific examples, and maybe we could suggest appropriate responses that you could rehearse for when the situation arises. dont focus on logging stuff - that will only help if you go to court. that a long term aid, not a quick solution. you really need to stick up for yourself. Note, the first time you stick up for yourself is the hardest. Every time after that becomes easier, and frankly more enjoyable. Finally, never, never leave work annoyed or pissed off. always leave work having pissed some one off or annoyed

Fire with fire, discretely

gerrybbadd

Your bosses response is unacceptable. When bullying has been brought to the attention of your boss, they are meant to respond and act accordingly immediately.

If you ever brought a court case against the company, your boss would simply not have a leg to stand on.

As others have suggested, log everything. Dates, times, what was said etc. Including interactions with your boss.

kaiser31

At the moment I'm killing her with kindness and that's driving her even more nuts. I'm very polite please & thanks you etc. I may be paranoid but I think she's trying to get me cross so I will back fire.

smelly sock

kaiser31 wrote: »

At the grand old age of 39 I find myself in the unenviable position of being bullied at work. It has never happened to me before and I find myself paralysed by it. It's bloody awful and I don't know what to do about it. I always considered myself to be a nice person, a good employee and a great work mate but my colleague has come for me with such vitriol and aggression and it's knocked me for six. I dread coming to work every morning, I spend my weekends dreading Monday. It's a vicious never ending circle. I don't know what to do? The boss knows because our former colleague told him on her last day but he just told me to be a big girl and deal with her. So I won't get any support there. I'm worn.

What exactly is happening?

valoren

Squatman wrote: »

Rise to it. Pull her aside some day, tell her she is behaving unprofessionally towards you and you will not accept it. Then go to your supervisor, tell him what has happened, and that you want her supervisor informed too. I did similar in work a few years ago and the person changed in an instant. (Im aware that its situation dependent, and people here will also tell you "lifes too short, find work elsewhere etc. but for gods sake stick up for yourself. Shes picking on you because your allowing yourself to be picked on!!)

I'd be careful there. Pull her aside and mention it yes, but do it in the presence of the supervisor. Bullies at work like that will simply turn such a situation into a 'he said/she said' scenario. If confronting the bully in this case always do it with a witness, as they can't make up anything then.

OP, I'd also not feel embarrassed by this. To be the target for a bully like that means you must have something about you that they need to destroy. You could for instance be better at your job than her, you may be more popular and respected with colleagues (out of your earshot but within her's), she might even be doing it for her own gratification. It could be anything. To deal with it means you need to show to her that you won't take any of her **** but you need to do it using the framework provided in work to deal with it. I know a lot of companies who would rather brush something like this under the carpet but if you bring a legitimate case of bullying against them and they haven't dealt with it appropriately then the prospect of financial penalty and reputational damage will get them acting promptly.

kaiser31

It's things like if I'm in a room and she walks in, she will storm out.

If She is in the kitchen and I go in there she's start bang presses and slamming plates whilst actually hissing at me.

She will stand talking to the person sitting beside me, with her back to me ghosting me.

If she has a question about my work she won't ask me about it, she'll go to someone else. When they direct her to me she still won't ask.

We used to engaged kinda normally before but if i asked a question she would rage at me. If my opinion differed to her, she would scream at me. So I just stopped engaging with the crazy.

There's loads more stuff that I've kinda normalised in my head at this stage but I'm so sick of it.

smelly sock

kaiser31 wrote: »

It's things like if I'm in a room and she walks in, she will storm out.

If She is in the kitchen and I go in there she's start bang presses and slamming plates whilst actually hissing at me.

She will stand talking to the person sitting beside me, with her back to me ghosting me.

If she has a question about my work she won't ask me about it, she'll go to someone else. When they direct her to me she still won't ask.

We used to engaged kinda normally before but if i asked a question she would rage at me. If my opinion differed to her, she would scream at me. So I just stopped engaging with the crazy.

There's loads more stuff that I've kinda normalised in my head at this stage but I'm so sick of it.

Ah listen, that person has mental issues I'd say.

Stick up for yourself and I bet the bullying will stop.

kaiser31

smelly sock wrote: »

Ah listen, that person has mental issues I'd say.

Stick up for yourself and I bet the bullying will stop.

I honestly thini that will make her worse but I'll try it. I used to laugh it off but it's really getting me down. If I'm honest, I'm half afraid of her. I feel sick every morning coming in wondering what ****e will hit the fan today.

fryup

what the history behind this?? something must have happened??

c'mon OP spill the beans

Dermo

Can you stop engaging with her directly and do everything through email (cc'ing your boss every time)?
I would do that, but inform the boss that you are going to start doing that and cc'ing them on everything

kaiser31

fryup wrote: »

what the history behind this?? something must have happened??

c'mon OP spill the beans

I actually wish something happened then I'd know what the feck I did out of the way!!!

kaiser31

Dermo wrote: »

Can you stop engaging with her directly and do everything through email (cc'ing your boss every time)?
I would do that, but inform the boss that you are going to start doing that and cc'ing them on everything

I already cc the boss on everything

Meeeee79

Is there anyone above your boss you could talk to?

The fact that your boss has been informed of this and has told you to basically suck it up means you would really have grounds to bring it to the next level. It sounds like an institutional issue in the whole company if it just being accepted like this and thats just not right.

Mind yourself and your own mental health though, if you need a break away from her take afew sick days and if it becomes an issue tell them you feel your mental health may suffer if this continues.

philstar

kaiser31 wrote: »

I actually wish something happened then I'd know what the feck I did out of the way!!!

you must have some inkling

*how long has she worked there?

*was she always like this? if not when did her attitude change?

*did you get a pay rise and she didn't..that kinda scenario ever happen?

Bredabe

I cant offer much help to you, but to say, there are lots of ppl in the world that will tell you that bulling is your fault, that's easy to believe when you are receiving it constantly and you are on your own in it.

HER BULLYING IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

If she has issues other than being a wagon, its up to her to sort them, not for a second should you suffer for them. Trinity college has a department that are supposed to offer help on cases like this, two books that helped us in the situation are, Happy at work and Bully in sight. I dont have details to hand, but If you pm me, I'll get the authors for you.

Details everything and say nothing to her without witnesses, ghosting is particularly horrible, as its a deliberate act to exclude you from what you should be part of. In it self a bulling act.

If you are paying a union, ask them for guidance, tho in my experience there is more bulling in non union workplaces. Dont be a hero, if there is no support for you there and no improvement in her behavior, move!, none will give you a medal for enduring.

kaiser31

Meeeee79 wrote: »

Is there anyone above your boss you could talk to?

The fact that your boss has been informed of this and has told you to basically suck it up means you would really have grounds to bring it to the next level. It sounds like an institutional issue in the whole company if it just being accepted like this and thats just not right.

Mind yourself and your own mental health though, if you need a break away from her take afew sick days and if it becomes an issue tell them you feel your mental health may suffer if this continues.

My direct boss is the MD and owner of the company so the buck stops with him

ambro25

I feel for you, OP. In a reverse angle kind of way. Long time since I chanced upon a bullying-at-work story/thread, but yours all brought it home again (not a criticism ).

I was accused of bullying last year. Completely out of the blue, after 8 years working without any problem whatsoever (quite cordially, actually) with my accuser, nor with anyone else, and an unblemished disciplinary record.

The context was that she was leaving the company for the competition (unknown to us at the time, this came out later in the wash), and she had long had (company-known) mental health issues with medical follow-up.

Now I'm not saying that my employer (small firm, director-owned, I was and am the only other director) should have shielded me/backed me up/brushed it under the carpet at all. We followed due process and the internal disciplinary procedure.

But my co-director sided with her at the first instance hearing and pronounced a disciplinary sanction against me, even though her 'evidence' was far less than equivocal (it was basically how she read and interpreted interactions in her head, conflicted and anxious as she was, rather than how such interactions -objectively- really were; she did not have any clear evidence or even a persuasive web and -hand on heart- I never treated her any differently from anyone else, of any level, never had anything but professional respect for her). There were reasons for my co-director to want to 'pacify' her, i.e. keeping her in the firm, and I took that decision as his sweetener to her.

When I appealed, my co-director and our HR-cum-agency-manager bod started using all sorts of 'soft' threats (e.g. proposing to involve a barrister to represent the firm in the appeal), to the extent where I had to involve my own solicitor. The appeal was eventually done by an independent third party (professional HR service supplier), who cleared me completely (as expected). My firm wouldn't even make a token payment towards my legal fees.

I'm still here now, a good year on. But in the meantime, I've taken my foot completely off the gas pedal (I used to be 75% gross profitable after pay and share overheads, this year I've been 0.05%), studiously avoided any kind of social interaction with <anything/anyone> work-related (no Xmas do, no summer do, no drinks with colleagues <etc.>) and been interviewing in anger.

I'm shortly to drop my notice on them completely unexpectedly, which will really put them up s**t creek. As in, from barely in the black in 2016, to comfortably in the red for 2017 and 2018 (at least), with redundancies <etc.> They can all die with their gob open in the gutter, for all I care.

Morale of the story: if your employer won't do the decent thing and at least follow an internal complaints procedure, then try not to get mad about this, but try and cast it all to the back of your mind while you get busy getting even quick-smart

Bredabe

ambro25 wrote: »

I feel for you, OP. In a reverse angle kind of way. Long time since I chanced upon a bullying-at-work story/thread, but yours all brought it home again (not a criticism ).

I was accused of bullying last year. Completely out of the blue, after 8 years working without any problem whatsoever (quite cordially, actually) with my accuser, nor with anyone else, and an unblemished disciplinary record.

The context was that she was leaving the company for the competition (unknown to us at the time, this came out later in the proceedings), and she had long had (company-known) mental health issues with medical follow-up.

Now I'm not saying that my employer should have shielded me/backed me up/brushed it under the carpet at all. We followed due process and the internal disciplinary procedure.

But my employer sided with her at the first instance hearing and pronounced a disciplinary sanction against me, even though her 'evidence' was far less than equivocal (it was basically how she read and interpreted interactions in her head, conflicted and anxious as she was, rather than how such interactions -objectively- really were; she did not have any clear evidence or even a persuasive web and -hand on heart- I never treated her any differently from anyone else, of any level, never had anything but professional respect for her). There were reasons for my employer to want to 'pacify' her, i.e. keeping her in the firm, and I took that decision as his sweetener to her.

When I appealed, the employer started using all sorts of 'soft' threats (e.g. proposing to involve a barrister to represent the firm in the appeal), to the extent where I had to involve my own solicitor. The appeal was eventually done by an independent third party (professional HR service supplier), who cleared me completely (as expected). My employer wouldn't even make a token payment towards my legal fees.

I'm still here now, a good year on. But in the meantime, I've taken my foot completely off the gas pedal (I used to be 75% gross profitable after pay and share overheads, this year I've been 0.05%), studiously avoided any kind of social interaction with <anything/anyone> work-related (no Xmas do, no summer do, no drinks with colleagues <etc.>) and been interviewing in anger.

I'm shortly to drop my notice on them completely unexpectedly, which will really put them up s**t creek. As in, from barely in the black in 2016, to comfortably in the red for 2017 and 2018 (at least), with redundancies <etc.>

Morale of the story: if your employer won't do the decent thing and at least follow an internal complaints procedure, then try not to get mad about this, but try and cast it all to the back of your mind while you get busy getting even quick-smart

So often screaming Bully! is the fall back of a certain type. I cant understand what ppl get from this, but it seems to be an ok thing to do.

Meeeee79

kaiser31 wrote: »

My direct boss is the MD and owner of the company so the buck stops with him

Unfortunately explains why she has been allowed get away with this then.

I once went through something similar but it was the boss herself who was the bully. Like you I dreaded every single day walking in to that place and have never experienced the "sunday fear" quite like i used to when working there! I stayed for about 15 months but in the end had to get out.

The passive aggressiveness was something that was very hard to explain to anyone else. If you tell someone this person is turning their back to me while having a conversation or banging cupboards loudly unfortunately you can sound like you're describing a school yard fight between two 6 six year olds and this is what I found really hard as nobody else understood really. In the end staying there just wasnt worth it, I moved on and settled into a new job with normal people who dont have issues like this woman seems to where she has to take it out on another innocent colleague.

I would really weigh up your options and think strongly about whether its worth the fight. If it is then your only option is to pull her aside and have it out with her as two adults. We work to live not live to work.

screamer

To be honest OP what you describe is mild compared to some of the stuff I've had....and the person got a verbal warning for doing much worse. What I'm trying to say is there will likely not be any slap on the wrist for this.
It's your interpretation of what she does. So she bangs presses and storms out.... Big deal....leave her on. You need to change your outlook on it cause it sounds like she's winding you up and she knows it. Not nice behaviour but not bullying imho (from the details you've shared). If I were in your position I'd choose not to let it get to me let it over your head. That's called giving her enough rope. Shell either stop when she sees that her behaviour is no longer affecting you or she'll intensify the behaviour and that's when you go to your bosses boss and report it (hopefully with a few witnesses to back it up) Other than that you could change companies.

mrcheez

Raise it either with the boss or the offender and use the term "bullied" and they will change in an instant.

I had the same issue and that word has such gravitas that people will act on it instantly.

padser

kaiser31 wrote: »

It's things like if I'm in a room and she walks in, she will storm out.

If She is in the kitchen and I go in there she's start bang presses and slamming plates whilst actually hissing at me.

She will stand talking to the person sitting beside me, with her back to me ghosting me.

If she has a question about my work she won't ask me about it, she'll go to someone else. When they direct her to me she still won't ask.

We used to engaged kinda normally before but if i asked a question she would rage at me. If my opinion differed to her, she would scream at me. So I just stopped engaging with the crazy.

There's loads more stuff that I've kinda normalised in my head at this stage but I'm so sick of it.

Is there a possibility you are somewhat overreacting to this?

She walks out of rooms when you enter, she ignores you sometimes, she "screams" at you (I put "screams" in inverted commas because tone of voice can be a matter of perception, for example what I would define as screaming, wouldn't be possible in a 12 person office without everyone hearing it - but of course other people would have different definitions).

While I obviously don't have enough info and context to know whether you are, or are not, overreacting it's certainly possible.

So, is it worth asking yourself the question, "If I ignore and spot focusing on this, might it just disappear?"?

Ash.J.Williams

Your boss is complicit by telling you to be a big girl and the company is liable for any injury. Get legal advice on how to deal with this. If you do your bit correctly and he carries on like that then hit him in the pocket.

kaiser31

Bredabe wrote: »

So often screaming Bully! is the fall back of a certain type. I cant understand what ppl get from this, but it seems to be an ok thing to do.

I really don't want to be that person who screams bully. I think it's a term that has been watered down to insignificance by people.

I need to get out of there don't I?

mrcheez

kaiser31 wrote: »

I really don't want to be that person who screams bully. I think it's a term that has been watered down to insignificance by people.

Not at all, it's a term describing something they can be held accountable for.
They take it very seriously.

Don't "scream bully", just approach the boss calmly and explain you feel you are being bullied. If they don't understand how serious that is then yeah maybe leave.

kaiser31

padser wrote: »

Is there a possibility you are somewhat overreacting to this?

She walks out of rooms when you enter, she ignores you sometimes, she "screams" at you (I put "screams" in inverted commas because tone of voice can be a matter of perception, for example what I would define as screaming, wouldn't be possible in a 12 person office without everyone hearing it - but of course other people would have different definitions).

While I obviously don't have enough info and context to know whether you are, or are not, overreacting it's certainly possible.

So, is it worth asking yourself the question, "If I ignore and spot focusing on this, might it just disappear?"?

I understand where you're coming from. But I promise I'm not a drama lama, far from it.

I'll be honest, if I was reading my post 12 months ago I would have rolled my eyes and would have told the op to cop on and grow a pair of balls.

But, it's so different when it's you in the situation. It's not right that someone can make me feel so **** about myself.

Maybe she's not bully and I'm just a delicate snowflake?

Bredabe

kaiser31 wrote: »

I really don't want to be that person who screams bully. I think it's a term that has been watered down to insignificance by people.

I need to get out of there don't I?

You are being bullied where you are, so you are not "crying wolf" like the other poster spoke about.
Obviously its your decision, but all in all, it sounds like the situation is not going to improve, so it might be your best option for your sanity and work reputation.

Katie1_14

I'm a manager in the public sector and two words that ring alarm bells are bullying and stress. Firstly, lodge a grievance officially in writing (link below is a good guide). Secondly, go to your GP and explain the situation and ask them to sign you off work due to stress. A small company will be impacted more by someone on sick leave, and if its caused by work you will force their hand to act.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/problems-at-work/dealing-with-grievances-at-work/

Irish Link:

https://thehrcompany.ie/index.php/blog/grievances-in-the-workplace/

circadian

Either leave and move elsewhere or stick it out and take a record of everything, including interactions with your boss. I worked in a place where one of he senior HR staff was an absolute weapon and stirrer. I and a few others got landed in the bad books with directors after being falsely accused of various things.

I kept a record of everything in the event that I needed to use it, or another member of staff who wasn't as fortunate to get out needed more evidence.

Regardless of staying or going record everything.

Tayschren

You need proper legal advise, and visit your GP.

ambro25

kaiser31 wrote: »

I really don't want to be that person who screams bully. I think it's a term that has been watered down to insignificance by people.

On social media perhaps, but if IE HR law and practice is anything like the UK's, then not in a professional context, believe me.

In the UK, for mid- to high-level professionals at least, an accusation of bullying in the workplace is very much "sticky mud" material, upgradeable to career-ending when upheld.

I wouldn't have bothered with appealing and then getting heavily legal in my earlier situation (as recounted above), if that wasn't the case.

It should ring exactly the same sort of alarm bells with your employer, as if he heard "constructive dismissal".

Bredabe

kaiser31 wrote: »

I understand where you're coming from. But I promise I'm not a drama lama, far from it.

I'll be honest, if I was reading my post 12 months ago I would have rolled my eyes and would have told the op to cop on and grow a pair of balls.

But, it's so different when it's you in the situation. It's not right that someone can make me feel so **** about myself.

Maybe she's not bully and I'm just a delicate snowflake?

One of my girls in an almost identical situation, her colleagues dont include her in anything at all, even material they should be passing on. Tho one of her "colleagues" uses her for security on the walk to the not at all dangerous car park when the other one cant drive her home.
Exclusion is one of the biggies they look for when looking at bulling behavior.

Just for to make you laugh, I was in a situation a bit like yours, a few months after I left and I got a settlement due to my boss acting like "rules didn't apply to her" and her line managers not managing her. She had a very public go at the very worst person in the industry that she could have picked on, it was all over the media at the time. She was demoted cause of some BS medical excuse for her behavior. Last time I saw her, she was very chastened looking indeed.

BorneTobyWilde

You're probably just too pretty. Could be as simply as that.
She thinks you are stuck up , but you're just polite and shy

Lickin2me

Find out her were she lives. Get someone to kick her butt, bullies need learned lesson. Fire with fire

Deep Thought

Record everything that is going on and include your boss, your boss has an obligation to take action.

If nothing is done by your employer and you leave as a result of the bullying and non action of your employer to protect you then go for Constructive dismissal

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/employment/unemployment_and_redundancy/dismissal/constructive_dismissal.html

emeldc

It's things like if I'm in a room and she walks in, she will storm out.

Call her back. Ask 'you ok hun'

If She is in the kitchen and I go in there she's start bang presses and slamming plates whilst actually hissing at me.

'WHAT'S YOUR FUGGIN' PROBLEM'

She will stand talking to the person sitting beside me, with her back to me ghosting me.

'Your back actually looks better than your front but there's still no need to be so rude'

If she has a question about my work she won't ask me about it, she'll go to someone else. When they direct her to me she still won't ask.

'Have you such a problem with me about my work that you have to ask someone else about it'.

We used to engaged kinda normally before but if i asked a question she would rage at me. If my opinion differed to her, she would scream at me.

'Calm down you absolute nut job'

OP you really need to call her out on some of these ridiculous situations. If it doesn't work you may have to engage your foot and her carpet and then look for another job.

ForstalDave

she sounds like a wagon and she will always pick on somone, if you dont want to make an official complaint for yourself think that perhaps it will help others in the future as if she stops bullying you she will bully someone else and then they will be in the same position as you are now.

bbudab

Going to your GP about stress related work is a great idea.
Is it possible for you to record her behavior on your phone?
Have any of your co workers spoken to you about this?
Would you feel comfortable enough to speak to any of them about her? Ask them what they think of her behavior? Maybe having someone on your side will make you feel better?
Bullying at work is disgusting and is done by low life scum, do not let her get away with this!

kaiser31

Thanks so much for all your posts so far, it's gladening my heart to know I'm not the only one to find themselves in this situation.