Would you date a single parent?

philstar

Well would you? or would the fact of a child in the mix cause complications in the relationship further down the line?

I'm contemplating asking a woman out but she's got a kid already.. so i just don't know?

Obvious Otter

Honestly, the Internet won't be able to solve this one for you.

Why not give it a try and report back?

philstar

Obvious Otter wrote: »

Honestly, the Internet won't be able to solve this one for you.

Why not give it a try and report back?

i just want feedback, from those who have.. been there-done that

Sue Pa Key Pa

No way in hell would I date a single parent. My wife would kill me

noel100

Why should it.
Life is as complicated as you make it.
When I was in my 20 's I would but with maturity I would have no issues dating single mother. Separated or divorcee.

the_pen_turner

For the right woman yes. Why wouldn't you

Galwayguy35

I did but not sure if I'd do so again.

I'm not really someone that has much time for kids so having to plan nights out and when it was ok to stay overnight around them wasn't my thing.

Plus having her ex around thinking I wanted to take over his daddy role didn't help either.

_Dara_

I'd be reluctant, not having a maternal head on me.

Greybottle

Been there and it's worked.

Has little to do with the family situation and more to do with the woman and her attitude to her life and how she dealt with it. Her ex was a tosser, but not violent.

As regards the teenage child, I was with the mother for almost a year before I slept in her place with the child staying in the house as well. Before that it was either in my place, in hers when the child was at her Dad's or when we went away for the weekend. That decision was mostly mine as the daughter was very protective of the mother, something I appreciated.

Worth it all in the end.

How Soon Is Now

Depends on a number of things really.

Is father still around? Will he cause hassle in any way?

What's the kid like? If it's a **** head who demands every minute of her life then you know how that's gonna go....

I dated a girl years ago who had kid and he was a nightmare so it made doing anything really awkward.

I'd see how it goes every situation is different just because I had it go a certain way doesn't mean you will!

You won't know unless you try.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

Dial Hard

Only you can say if it's a deal breaker for you.

My marriage ended because I didn't want kids, so for me, no, I'd have no interest in a single parent. Plenty of people are absolutely fine with it, though.

If you do go ahead I think relations with the ex can be just as big a factor as the actual child. If there's anger/hassle/drama, I'd be running a mile.

notsoyoungwan

Nope. I don't want to have kids of my own, for various reasons, and I certainly don't want to be dealing with someone else's kid(s) on a regular basis.

boardsuser1

My ex has 2 kids(1 by me) and she can't for her life find a man who is willing to commit full time to her as me and the other child's father are actively involved in their lives and she has us both in the family law court.

Funny how I keep getting the blame for no man willing to go near her though.

surrender monkey

The biggest drawback that comes to mind is the relationship between the parents. If they are constantly at each other's throats then that will impact badly on your relationship. And it will go on and on .... you also have to be okay with being second in your partners life. Plans will be changed depending on childcare, sickness etc. If you love someone though none of that matters.

Heebie

Do you like kids? Are you ready to be an example to a child? Do you like this woman enough to take the "package deal" she represents? Are you ready and able to become part of her family if things go well?

The answer to this question is something determined by who *YOU* are, not whether or not she has a child.

Dravokivich

I'm a single father. I don't think anyone I've been on dates with have been put off. To me, it's more so I don't really have the time to develope a relationship with someone else. I wouldn't have an issue with someone else being a single parent.

neonsofa

I'm a single parent and I've dated a single parent. In my own experience it is not the child that is the issue but the other parent of the child. In my case that is not an issue, they are absent. With the guy I was seeing,the ex was a manipulative and overbearing nightmare. The fact that fathers rights in this country are so precarious, he tended to pander a lot for fear of losing access to his child which she played on big time. Regularly used the "well you wont get the child this weekend then" which was heart breaking. This all became a huge factor in our breakup.

All situations are different though, all families are different so can't really advise you op. I for one, would be very reluctant to date a single parent again, even though I am a single parent myself.

clairewithani

Honestly, the questions people ask. When I think of all the negative qualities a person can have, being a parent is not on the list. For me asking this question is on a par with "would you date a redhead" " would you date someone from Cork" " would you date a guard"

Harry Palmr

Only if the other parent was dead/in Australia and the child fairly grown up

pgj2015

Been there done that, and never again, the problems with dating a single parent are, you will never come first with your partner, it is hard to plan nights out, weekends away etc, usually a troublesome ex in the background. Plus you may get on really well with their kid/s and if you break up, you will end you missing the kid/s more than your ex, double whammy.

I had someone ask me out recently, after she had told me she had a kid, who it seemed like was 99% of her time was spent talking about, had a violent ex who punched guys she was seeing, I have never ran so fast in my life.

Dial Hard

clairewithani wrote:

Honestly, the questions people ask. When I think of all the negative qualities a person can have, being a parent is not on the list. For me asking this question is on a par with "would you date a redhead" " would you date someone from Cork" " would you date a guard"

It's a perfectly valid position to hold. I don't like children. Ergo, I have absolutely zero interest in going out with someone who has one. Likewise, I doubt they'd have much interest in me. And that's perfectly fine.

To me it's more like asking "Would you date someone with diametrically opposing political/social views to you?" You may dismiss that as superficial, to me it's a completely valid concern.

neonsofa

Dial Hard wrote: »

It's a perfectly valid position to hold. I don't like children. Ergo, I have absolutely zero interest in going out with someone who has one. Likewise, I doubt they'd have much interest in me. And that's perfectly fine.

To me it's more like asking "Would you date someone with diametrically opposing political/social views to you?" You may dismiss that as superficial, to me it's a completely valid concern.

Exactly. Also you can't dismiss a whole separate person being involved in the relationship,no matter how removed they may be initially. It's a person, one that is dependent upon the person you are dating. It's really not the same as someone's hair colour or occupation.

One eyed Jack

neonsofa wrote: »

Exactly. Also you can't dismiss a whole separate person being involved in the relationship,no matter how removed they may be initially. It's a person, one that is dependent upon the person you are dating. It's really not the same as someone's hair colour or occupation.

Yeah but you'd only be dating, not as if they're expecting you to marry them already. I think that's probably why some people might be put off the idea, because they're thinking they're going to be expected to be a parent to the child or children. It's not something I've encountered too often as most single parents are quite capable of parenting on their own and relationships are separate from their parenting.

I know you're looking at it differently, but for me the fact they're a parent would be as arbitrary as anything else, any number of infinite reasons why I would or wouldn't date someone.

Testament1

Dated a single mother for a while and it was great because she was a great person. Every situation will be different but you'll never know if you don't try. In my opinion if you like the person it's worth a shot.

depends on your attitude to socks
(some other cnut's kids)

_Dara_

clairewithani wrote: »

Honestly, the questions people ask. When I think of all the negative qualities a person can have, being a parent is not on the list. For me asking this question is on a par with "would you date a redhead" " would you date someone from Cork" " would you date a guard"

It's a very valid question. It's a deal-breaker for many people. Not everyone wants children and it's responsible to be sure about that. You don't want to leave the life of a child who has got attached to you when you realise you don't want any children, either biologically your own, or potential step-children.

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Yeah but you'd only be dating, not as if they're expecting you to marry them already. I think that's probably why some people might be put off the idea, because they're thinking they're going to be expected to be a parent to the child or children. It's not something I've encountered too often as most single parents are quite capable of parenting on their own and relationships are separate from their parenting.

The danger is if the relationship deepens and grows more serious. It's naive to think that - in this scenario - never the trains shall meet.

SCOOP 64

clairewithani wrote: »

Honestly, the questions people ask. When I think of all the negative qualities a person can have, being a parent is not on the list. For me asking this question is on a par with "would you date a redhead" " would you date someone from Cork" " would you date a guard"

Mind you all very good questions.

Pwindedd

Harry Palmr wrote: »

Only if the other parent was dead/in Australia and the child fairly grown up

Hahah grown up children can be worse than small kids IME. Jealousy in teens is far more pronounced and this can manifest in some pretty spiteful and vindictive behaviour.

OP - Young kids are far more accepting I find as long as you know their boundaries and keep things light it's not a major problem. Some single parents would just like to keep dating and family separate so you may not even 'notice' the fact she's a parent. Spontaneity is rare though. But hey try a date or two and go from there. Being with a single parent is not necessarily a commitment to raise the children. She might not want that.

riffmongous

SCOOP 64 wrote: »

Mind you all very good questions.

Yes, no and no

Rawr

Have done so and she's now Mrs. Rawr.

As others have said, it is down to the kind of person you are dating. Just like anyone else you are dating, if you click and that person is the one for you then it'll probably go well.

There are 2 things to keep in mind, compared to dating a child-free person.

1) There is a kid in the picture. If the relationship becomes something, then you should be ready to eventually assume the role of another parent. The younger the kid is, the easier the time you'll have being accepted, but you need to remember that you will be in that kid's life and so you should do your best to also raise that child (if the relationship becomes long-term). So you'll end up having to try your best to be a good example to them. Turns out it was also good practice for when Rawr Jr. turned up.

2) The Ex. The Ex never really leaves the scene unless he/she actually take themselves out of the picture and washes themselves of responsibility for the kid. You'll eventually get an impression of the Ex via your new OH, which chances are will be negative. It is awkward as all hell to deal with them for obvious reasons, and with any luck your interaction with them will be limited. Your OH probably doesn't want much to do with the Ex anyway.

Beyond these things, it's just like dating anyone else. If you date these folk they'll want to go out with you in the same manner as anyone else would. It's a good deal harder to arrange since babysitters / parents / the Ex need to be called in to take care of the kids while this happens, but beyond that it's mostly the same.

Just remember that successfully nabbing a single-parent as your OH can result in you being an instant parent (if you aren't already), but that's not always as bad you'd imagine.

DrPhilG

Depends on the age of the kids.

If they were grown up and out, no problem.

Otherwise hell no. Relationships are complicated enough without the addition of an ex, kids and the inevitable "you're not my daddy" outburst!

That said, I know others who have managed it and are very happy.

Burial.

I love kids, I'm great with kids...but a single mother is massive deal breaker for me. Casual thing sure no problem but with regards to dating seriously not a chance.

neonsofa

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Yeah but you'd only be dating, not as if they're expecting you to marry them already. I think that's probably why some people might be put off the idea, because they're thinking they're going to be expected to be a parent to the child or children. It's not something I've encountered too often as most single parents are quite capable of parenting on their own and relationships are separate from their parenting.

I know you're looking at it differently, but for me the fact they're a parent would be as arbitrary as anything else, any number of infinite reasons why I would or wouldn't date someone.

Even in dating, the person (child) still exists. Im not saying it impacts the relationship/date negatively or positively btw. Just that it is significant. Hair colour is insignificant. Another person is different. It's not a case of a potential date becoming a parent or even ever meeting the child-it is still ultimately another human being to be considered in the scenario, who depends upon the person you're dating- depending on age etc. Whether the other person feels like it affects the relationship/date or not isnt really what im referring to. It's hard to explain.

endacl

Yep. No issue. 12 years in now in fact. 2 kids all grown up, and it’s been a pleasure and a privilege being part of it. Was the making of me.

One eyed Jack

neonsofa wrote: »

Even in dating, the person (child) still exists. Im not saying it impacts the relationship/date negatively or positively btw. Just that it is significant. Hair colour is insignificant. Another person is different. It's not a case of a potential date becoming a parent or even ever meeting the child-it is still ultimately another human being to be considered in the scenario, who depends upon the person you're dating- depending on age etc. Whether the other person feels like it affects the relationship/date or not isnt really what im referring to. It's hard to explain.

Ahh no I get where you're coming from, different people have different dealbreakers depending on their different perspectives. Like the idea of the relationship developing past the dating stage didn't occur to me until Dara mentioned it tbh :pac:

tonycascarino

Nope. It's baggage for me. Kid is in the picture and the ex is always there. Maybe if I was 70 and she was in her 20's though...

Knine

Me I actually only want to date single parents. There is one exception to that. If a guy has kids that he has no interest in or does not provide for, in other words he left the mother of his kids stranded. Then nope I would not be interested.

I have kids myself so I just find dating another parent much easier. I also have no problem getting dates so there are lots of people out there happy to date single parents.

neonsofa

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Ahh no I get where you're coming from, different people have different dealbreakers depending on their different perspectives. Like the idea of the relationship developing past the dating stage didn't occur to me until Dara mentioned it tbh :pac:

And then bam you're a step dad :pac:


It's not necessarily that I'm saying people should make it a deal breaker, just that saying "why would you even ask" seems a bit disingenuous because it's a whole other person, pretending it's not a significant thing- that doesn't mean negative btw- just seems like denial. Imo of course.
Like if someone had said "ah sure I wouldn't mind at all, dont see why anybody would have an issue" that's at least acknowledging it for what it is and saying it's not an issue to you personally. But pretending not to see why it's significant to some, and comparing it to hair colour... I don't know. Does that make sense?

One eyed Jack

neonsofa wrote: »

Like if someone had said "ah sure I wouldn't mind at all, dont see why anybody would have an issue" that's at least acknowledging it for what it is and saying it's not an issue to you personally. But pretending not to see why it's significant to some, and comparing it to hair colour... I don't know. Does that make sense?

It does, because it's not just the fact they're a parent, like hair colour would be just that persons hair colour, but being a parent means having to account for a completely separate person and the fact that they are responsible for that person and wouldn't be so free to commit their time to a relationship as someone who doesn't have children.

Also too I guess the point Dial Hard makes about not wanting any children would be a factor I guess.

Loon E. Tick

Probably not but it depends on individual circumstances. I'm separated and don't have children. Surprisingly, there still seem to be available men around my own age who are also childless so I would prioritise them over someone with kids. I'm not going to have kids of my own anyway now as that ship has almost sailed for me. If I met someone who still had the expectation of having kids I probably wouldn't get involved. Lately I've been getting hit on/chatted up by guys when I'm out and about who would be about 10-12 years younger. I'm not going to go there as they would probably be better off with someone closer to their own age if they want children in the future and to save any feelings developing if it turned into something more than casual.

My next long-term relationship/partnership would ideally be where you both live separately and you meet up as often as possible but still get to keep your own space and keep all the positivity/excitement of the relationship while working around each others lifestyles. A relationship with a single/separated father might work in that type of scenario where they spend part of the week with you and the other days with their kid/s. If they had designs on moving in together I think it might not work out as I wouldn't want to be constrained by any 'rules' in how I would interact with the child/children.

As an example, if I wanted to spontaneously treat the child or buy them something but I might not be "allowed" because the mother might object just because I'm not their parent and only they get to decide what to buy the child. I don't need any unnecessary drama or psycho behaviour in relationships so for that reason I would probably rule out any relationship with the potential for complications.

_Dara_

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Also too I guess the point Dial Hard makes about not wanting any children would be a factor I guess.

Ya think?

Probably wouldn't be my best case scenario but ultimately everything depends on the guy and the kid and their relationship with the mother and how the mother would cope with me on the scene. If everything is civilized and the kid and myself got along, I'd be open to it if the situation arose. Otherwise, I'm too pragmatic a person to make my own life unnecessarily difficult and I'd avoid getting involved.

Luckily, it's not on the cards either way.

worded

clairewithani wrote: »

Honestly, the questions people ask. When I think of all the negative qualities a person can have, being a parent is not on the list. For me asking this question is on a par with "would you date a redhead" " would you date someone from Cork" " would you date a guard"

Claire, without comming on too strong here .... Ive been waiting for a for a girl like you ..... a red headed Cork Ban Garda ... OMG, the accent alone, grab your jacket there .... and bring the hand cuffs maybe

muminpajamas

I dated a single parent and I would be wary of doing it again. There was lots, and lots, of drama with the ex (screaming and shouting on the doorstep). The kid was sometimes aggressive with other children and destructive with stuff in the house. I was young at the time and moved on pretty quickly. I would date a single parent again but would make sure that they were not newly separated, had the legal side sorted out, were able to be civil to the ex, didn't constantly talk about what a bitch the ex was, and didn't have lots of behavioural problems with the kid.

fg1406

No, because I don't like kids. And also once kids are introduced into a relationship either having a biological child born to a couple or one or other of the partners already having kids, the kids take priority over everything (which they should) and I am far too selfish for that. I like not having to plan my activities, going away for weekends on a whim, I like lying in on a Sunday til midday etc

And also when there is an ex looming in the background, it can make things uncomfortable.

Esse85

I did once for a couple of years in my 20s until I realised I'm just not built for that situation, I've learned from the experience and going forward I'd not do it again unless I'm single at 40 and my options are limited.

Fr_Dougal

Someone who has a child/children to one person, sure; why not. Someone that has children for more than one person? 💨💨💨💨💨

L.Jenkins

I did once, and she became a walking nightmare to be around, not because of her child, but because she had a massive chip on her shoulder. I see the same issues in my Sister in Law. That woman is 10 times the nightmare my ex ever was.

Pherekydes

Been there, done that and have the wedding cert to prove it worked out ok.

Galwayguy35

I've noticed if someone is still single and over 40 (like myself) it's harder to find someone to date around my own age who doesn't already have kids.