Dating with no social life

LegacyUser

I have very few friends, 4 at most and two of them to be honest i'm pushing it by calling them friends, one of them we talk daily through whatsapp and facebook and have done for years since finishing college but in that time we've only met up twice and both times it was weird and awkward, she'd changed so much. I tried to arrange meeting up a handful of times since but it fell through due to her lack of commitment. This is fine, im happy to just keep our 'friendship' an online/social media one, if that's what works.
The other friend only contacts me when it suits her and will often ignore me if I contact her/let me down if I arrange plans for us to meet up. The last message I sent her was a reply to a message she sent me 2 months ago, she didnt reply to my message, she'll contact me in a few weeks/months to meet for lunch/coffee this is how our friendship has been for years..This was particularly hard for me as we had been best friends.. totally inseparable since a very young age but whenever new friends came along I was ditched. So not ideal but it's fine, I dont contact her, if im free when she wants to meet for lunch I go but I dont put myself out for it.
My other two friends are extremely close to one another and sometimes I feel left out but mostly theyre my closest friends although one lives the other side of the country as she works there, only comes home a few times a year, the other is incredibly introspective.. after a short time conversations become so heavy and self indulgent that im only able to spend time short amounts of time with her as I get drained very quickly.
I have allot of acquaintances, if I do go out there are lots of people I know who will come over and talk to me for a chat ect but theyre not my friends, we dont hang out. I tried to turn some of these acquaintances into friendships but it didnt go anywhere, theyre not interested in a friendship with me which is fair enough, im happy to chat to them if we bump into each other. Ive gone on dates before out for a pint, coffee ect and my dates would always comment that I have allot of friends, simply because of acquaintances coming up to me and chatting or just saying hi but the truth of the matter is I spend every weekend alone. During the week I go to work, come home and thats it. Its always been this way for me. At 30 making friends now isnt so likely to happen, ive struggled my whole life, im also introverted.
My biggest issue is I cant date because of this as I find it humiliating. My last boyfriend belittled me constantly for my lack of social life and the humiliation was too much as he'd tell all his own friends how weird I was and that no one liked me as I had no friends. I havnt dated in 2 years. My family has even made comments about my lack of my friends, even a few of the friends I have had made slight remarks. Its embarrassing. People really judge you harshly when youve not got allot of friends. Ive turned down allot of men because of this.
How do I explain to a potential romantic interest that no one likes me enough to want to be friends?

rcarroll

Hi, from reading your post it sounds like you've limited yourself to those 4 or so friends, some of which I would personally consider cutting out.

Making friends at 30 is possible. But honestly, the vast majority of people you meet only want to be on friendly terms, it's not a reflection on you, it took me a long time to realise that it usually wasn't personal. People have their own lives and a lot of people but more emphasis and time into other relationships before their friends and the older you get, the more people become settled into relationships and aren't bothered really. It's a shame, and seems a very Irish way of being. In Spain for example, people continue to meet their friends on a regular basis for meals, renting houses in the summer together and merging families, or often going out just the husband or wife with their friends. It seems in Ireland we just stop after a certain age, and it can be very hard to motivate people to do anything especially mid-week.

My advice is spread the net wider - for every 20 people you meet, one will probably become friends. Also, accept the friendships for what they are - some friends we only meet once every few months as it works that way, no need to feel bad about it. Your ex sounds like a jerk, it's not unusual to have few friends, especially as you get older, everyone is in the same boat. Also, there's a lot of people like yourself looking to make friends in their 30's as all their other friends are too busy with life/kids/partners. Head out to some meetup groups and keep putting yourself out there.

LegacyUser

hey there

Im a guy in my mid 30s and at times i feel the exact same. Try and do something new to find friends. A lot of my best friends moved abroad or travelled for work - so dont have many or any friends around.

I joined a running group - met some great people and lots of social activity from that.
I dont particularly love running - but the social aspect is great - its suitable for all levels from beginners who are just talking their first 5k.

If this doesn't interest you - try something else maybe to meet new people?

Dont let your friends dictate your dating life.

I've been on dates with a few women over the past 2 years now - and none of them have met any of my friends - and no real.

If you're dating someone - they'll want to be with you I think - and would have very little interest in meeting any friends.

Hope this helps - best of luck

Tigger99

Ok firstly your ex sounds like a huge arsehole. For ****s sake, slagging you cos you don't have many friends? That's ****ty and cruel.

If I was dating someone and they didn't have many friends I'd just think, well life happens and people drift away. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

It's all about your approach and perspective. If someone I was dating said yeah not many friends, we drifted for different reasons, I'd say fair enough. In fact I wouldn't even ask in the first place tbh. But if you approached it by saying no-one likes you enough to be your friend, I'd think u were v insecure. And that would be a turn off.

redfox123

I don't think your situation is that uncommon. Don't most people have a small selection, like 2-4 'close friends/best friends ', and the rest are just acquaintances or less close friends? Like you can only confide in and be close to a few people in your life. Most people after a certain age have the OH for that need as well as one or two best friends. Not saying it's right or wrong it just seems to be the way a lot.
It's a natural progression that some go from being free and single and meeting with friends to developing a close intimate relationship. I get a feel from your post that that's what you're missing? Obviously you don't drop your friends when you meet someone, but having this big group of friends becomes less of a priority because of the closeness you feel fulfills you when in a relationship.
I think you need to be more comfortable and content with your being on your own. Then the neediness goes away and you may come across a little less concerned or more carefree and maybe you might find people gravitate more..I would be an introvert and the less socialising I have to do the better for me. It's not a priority or something I care too much about. I personally haven't met many men that notice or care much about your friendships, that seems a bit odd. I think if you were to be less hung up on it, you might find others people's reactions become non existent.