Situation with Ex

Big Bag of Chips

For reference sake.. I'm a step mother, who moved in with my now husband after a few weeks, and who had bought and moved into our first house within 5 months of starting to go out with each other. I met his daughter after about a month. 17 years later, I'm still a stepmother to a 21 year old who recently me that she loves me, and that it is because of me and all the stuff I did for her, and with her at weekends growing up that she has any sort of relationship with her dad.

Edit: honestly, how would you feel if your kids ended up loving your ex's partner?

Addle

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

For reference sake.. I'm a step mother, who moved in with my (now husband) after a few weeks, and who had bought and moved into our first house within 5 months of starting to go out with each other. I met his daughter after about a month. 17 years later, I'm still a stepmother to a 21 year old who recently me that she loves me, and that it is because of me and all the stuff I did for her, and with her at weekends growing up that she has any sort of relationship with her dad.

The OP is unreasonable and it's probably a positive outcome like that outlined above that she fears, if honest.

Big Bag of Chips

I get that impression Addle, which is why I edited my post with the question.

I think you fear that this might be a really positive thing for your children, as much as you fear it might be a negative thing for them, OP.

lifeandtimes

HasHeLostthePlot! wrote: »

whether I can handle it for the kids and until I am convinced

Read this part and read it over and over and over again. I...I....I.....
As I said before this is all about you and how you are aren't able to handle the situation and it being disguised with your children.

HasHeLostthePlot! wrote: »

that it is anything other than him thinking with his d!ck, nevermind what her motivations are,

Yeah tell the judge exactly this word for word and youll get a cold hard slap of reality. For reference my ex partner was put in handcuffs and lead out of the court room for behaviour similar to this.

Say your ex had made this woman pregnant after a 1 night stand,shed be 4 months pregnant and decided to be a man and move in with her. Would you tell him to stop and leave the pregnant woman on her own to deal with this pregnancy because you feel it's too soon?

This man is in a relationship with this woman and is trying to set up and build a new family home and environment for his kids. All the makings of a decent guy in my opinion. You really need to take the advice of the people here and stop letting your emotions cloud your judgement. You can leave this up to a judge to decide but as I and other people here have said no judge in the land will side with you as you will come across as a jealous petty ex and I'm sorry but that's how it will look,no matter how much you try and jazz it up with the welfare of your children's mental health at the forefront.

You asked for advice and you have been given it and I sincerely hope you take it for your children's,your ex's,his new family and your sake.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

For reference sake.. I'm a step mother, who moved in with my now husband after a few weeks, and who had bought and moved into our first house within 5 months of starting to go out with each other. I met his daughter after about a month. 17 years later, I'm still a stepmother to a 21 year old who recently me that she loves me, and that it is because of me and all the stuff I did for her, and with her at weekends growing up that she has any sort of relationship with her dad.

Edit: honestly, how would you feel if your kids ended up loving your ex's partner?

Good for you! You were hardly going to be there to pick up the pieces if it didn't work out though were you? You wouldn't have even been aware of how the kid was affected if it didn't work out, would you?

I can't get my head around the big rush! If it so serious and you are all so certain its 'the one' so soon, why can't you take other people's concerns into account? What's 6 more months if at the end of the day it leads to a better relationship all round between those who care for the kids? Whether you think it was stupid or not, we agreed a year.

If you read through my posts you would see that I have addressed the issue around knowing that any relationship can fail, no matter how long it has been ongoing. But you still haven't convinced me that 4 months is anything other than reckless! Wahey if it all works out, and sure yeah, if it doesn't they'll be grand, because a stranger on the internet said they would be, and sure I'd totally accept that over knowing my kids and knowing how they handle things. Whats a bit of self harm, bed wetting, separation anxiety etc. Sure they'll get over it!

I have also addressed the issue about them having a relationship with another adult, and can see the benefits that can bring, be that with his new partner or mine. I am perfectly secure in my relationship with my kids and fear nothing of the sort. I'm afraid yourself and Addle's amateur psychology missed the mark on that one

I am not in major disagreement with anyone on the thread over having to accept potential future 'step mothers'. That is very different to being willing to accept one he has only known for 4 months. Why should my kids be dragged into his little experiment? And yes, I'm pretty sure when my kids are with their dad they are indeed LIVING with him! It all amounts to the same thing at the end of the day.

Addle

OP, did you attempt to control your ex's life when you were together?
Are you always as dismissive of others opinions in real life as you are to some of the responses in this thread?

It does nothing to surprise me that the mediator did not make a record of the '1 year' condition as it is unreasonable.

It's crap for you and your kids that they took the break up so badly. Not all kids do. Not all kids are negatively affected by their parents relationships. But maybe they pick up on your hostility?

Your ex has the benefit of the experience of your break up, which I doubt is something he wants to repeat. He's moved on. It's best for you all that you do too.

fineso.mom

"Your attitude to this will heavily influence your children's reaction. If you set out, from the start, with it being a problem. Then it will be a problem for them. If you seem ok with it, and encourage them to go and be happy they are more likely to be ok with it all."

The above quote from Big Bag of Chips should be framed and given to every new parent leavine a maternity hospital.
It's true from the most minor situations to the big traumatic life experiences.
I see it in my line of work all the time. The child who has a meltdown when they skin their knee has a parent who makes a huge deal about the skinned knee and promises to give out to the 'bold' ground and to buy a treat on the way home.
On the other hand, the child who has a little cry over the skinned knee, then dusts themselves off and forgets about it has the parent who acknowledges it must have hurt,gives a cuddle, washes the knee,puts on a plaster and says 'now,off you go again and play'.
The above might seem simplistic but it is simple really. Children deal with difficulties well when they are taught to deal with difficulties well.

Big Bag of Chips

You said this:

HasHeLostthePlot! wrote: »

I’d be interested to hear other people’s views or experiences with similar situations to this.

And then give this reply when many people give you their views and experience:

HasHeLostthePlot! wrote: »

Wahey if it all works out, and sure yeah, if it doesn't they'll be grand, because a stranger on the internet said they would be, and sure I'd totally accept that over knowing my kids and knowing how they handle things. Whats a bit of self harm, bed wetting, separation anxiety etc. Sure they'll get over it!

Good luck to you, OP, you're going to need it with your attitude. Just know that a judge will give you a short shrift if you bring that attitude to court.

LegacyUser

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Read this part and read it over and over and over again. I...I....I.....
As I said before this is all about you and how you are aren't able to handle the situation and it being disguised with your children.

Not whether I can handle his relationship, its whether I can handle it if my kids react badly. Whats so wrong with that? If I can't mentally handle 'picking up the pieces' (Big Bag o'Chips that ones for you!) then what affect is that going to have on the kids? It will be me picking up the pieces of his impulsive decision if it doesn't work out, not him, so I think it shows a real foresight to be actually thinking and talking about how I might cope. Because I barely made it through last time. That very much shows I have my kids best interests at heart.

Yeah tell the judge exactly this word for word and youll get a cold hard slap of reality. For reference my ex partner was put in handcuffs and lead out of the court room for behaviour similar to this.

Yep, I'd surely say that to a Judge!! But it is undeniable, whatever you think

Say your ex had made this woman pregnant after a 1 night stand,shed be 4 months pregnant and decided to be a man and move in with her. Would you tell him to stop and leave the pregnant woman on her own to deal with this pregnancy because you feel it's too soon?

That's her and his problem. My kids are my priority.

This man is in a relationship with this woman and is trying to set up and build a new family home and environment for his kids. All the makings of a decent guy in my opinion. You really need to take the advice of the people here and stop letting your emotions cloud your judgement. You can leave this up to a judge to decide but as I and other people here have said no judge in the land will side with you as you will come across as a jealous petty ex and I'm sorry but that's how it will look,no matter how much you try and jazz it up with the welfare of your children's mental health at the forefront.

This man has known this woman for 4 months. Jazz it up whatever way YOU want but I don't have to be ok with her being around them so soon. No Judge will side with me in what exactly? I would not be attempting to revoke access. I would be attempting to alter the access based on my concerns. That's why people go to court, to sort out access based on all the factors going on in their lives. That's why mediation agreements are often revisited, because situations change and agreements need to reflect this. You know nothing about me and you have no basis on which to suggest that I am dressing up jealousy as a concern for my kids mental health. In fact its quite insulting and so far from the truth that all I can do is LOL!

You asked for advice and you have been given it and I sincerely hope you take it for your children's,your ex's,his new family and your sake.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your advice

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You said this:



And then give this reply when many people give you their views and experience:




Good luck to you, OP, you're going to need it with your attitude. Just know that a judge will give you a short shrift if you bring that attitude to court.

I am delighted to hear other people's opinions, although I'm not aware that I am obliged to accept them.

Thanks! I'm hopeful we won't end up in Court.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, I think you could do with talking to a professional at this stage. While I can understand why you're angry, upset and aggrieved by this, your attitude is so toxic I fear for your kids. You don't have to like your ex's new girlfriend but the venom you've displayed on this thread has surely got to be transmitting across to your children.

Regardless of what you think of the length of this new relationship or of the new girlfriend, she's here to stay. Your kids are going to find a way to deal with her in their own time. If you're influencing their thinking with your spite and hatred, it's going to traumatise them even more. Nobody's suggesting you have to like the new woman but you don't seem to be capable of even basic civility.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:
You are not obliged to accept anyone else's views, but as per the charter you are expected to respect them.
All poster are expected to abide by the Forum Charter.

For that reason I will not be approving your final post. You will understand why, I'm sure. But I will lock the thread as you have indicated your intent to not engage with it anymore.

All the best.