Am I being too strict on Trans Daughter's "dress code"?

Rob G

I have a daughter who happens to be trans. I love her, accept her and respect her as a girl, but as an 11 year old pre-teen girl, she has all the restrictions being an 11 year old girl comes with.

We went on holiday renting a caravan for 2 weeks in England on the same site her Scottish pen pal was visiting, another trans girl about a year older than her, and to be honest it kind of upset me.

Her friend is a really nice person, but appearance-wise she's been allowed to run wild in my opinion. Her mother gives her pretty much free-reign on 'girl things' to compensate for the obvious. I'm not the perfect parent and I don't mean to criticise, and maybe I'm a bit old fashioned, and maybe the Scots are a bit more liberal than us culchies, but to me a 12 year old girl in a crop top and short skirt, showing off a belly piercing, with the sort of make-up a 20 year old would wear to go out on the town just seems so wrong to me on so many levels, whether the girl is trans or not.

My daughter is limited to non-revealing clothes, one hole in each ear (and nowhere else), and only allowed studs in them, nail polish, lip gloss and a very small amount of blusher. That's all she'd be allowed if she was cis, and I think letting her get/do something I wouldn't let a cis daughter her age (if I had one) do, with exceptions like allowing her a padded bra to take account of biological differences, would not be respecting her as a girl.

Be brutal, do you think I'm stuck in the past? Do you think I'm being a bit too strict?

baby and crumble

Honestly, OP, no. I don't think you're being too harsh at all. She's 12. I think it could be easy for parents of trans kids to be too lenient for fear of being seen as unsupportive, but you need to be happy in how your children relate to the world. At 12 none of my friends would have been allowed mini skirts etc. Now, I had zero interest so I never tested that theory with my folks but like, my mam wasn't keen on me shaving my legs at 12. At 12, no matter what else, she's still a child.

JackTaylorFan

Hi OP

Simple answer: No, OP, you are not being too strict. Absolutely not...

Long answer: same as the short one.

Sonics2k

No, you're being absolutely fair and setting the same boundaries you would either way.

My own daughter has no interest in wearing more 'grown up', but if she were I'd have the same rules as yourself.

Kids are kids, and no matter what we should ideally raise them in such a way. If they want to change how they dress, well they can wait until they're 15-16 and can buy their own damn clothes :pac:

robyntmorton

Essentially what everyone else has said. While being trans does unfortunately force a level of maturity on someone, she shouldn't be trying to rush out her childhood, and you are right to not let her.

She's still 12, and 12 year olds of either gender still have boundaries set by their parents. That's part of being a child.

Peregrinus

She's your daughter, and you have both the right and the responsibility to support her, including with appropriate boundaries. FWIW, I'd agree with your boundaries, but that doesn't matter; she's your daughter and what matters here is your standards and expectations, not mine.

Other parents with other daughters will make different decisions in areas like this, and that can be awkward but it's just something you have to deal with as it arises. Some of her friends will be allowed to do things that she is not (yet) allowed to do, and if you think that's causing tension now just wait until she's 14! But it's all part of being the parent of a teenager.