Invitation Dilemma

promises

We are newly engaged (3weeks) and have wedding booked for end October. We are having just our parents at ceremony and family only meal in restaurant afterwards.
My OH wants to keep restaurant venue secret and only tell our families on the day. He prefers d surprise factor, and doesn't want his family checking out venue before d day and possibly having only negative things to say.
I on d other side think its stupid tbh and want to tell them.
Any opinions would be great, what would you think if you got an invite with no venue details?

GingerLily

Our friends did this and I thought it was a bit silly, the main reason people look up the venue is to get an idea of the dress code, not out of a malicious nosiness. As a couple you'll have to agree on what is the right decision for you, but I really think you'll find this is making it more hassle rather then less.

Addle

I think it's nice to have an element of surprise.
Weddings are so predictable usually - for good reason.
If it's the sort of venue that they wouldn't usually dine in, then I'd keep it a surprise.
Everyone knows to dress up for a wedding reception.

Malari

If your fiance's parents are anything like my husbands family, I can understand him wanting to keep it a secret. There would be negativity and hassle if it's not somewhere they usually go, the online menu isn't to their liking, etc. It would all be complained about afterwards, but then it doesn't matter My family would be delighted at anyone bringing them out for a meal, and would think the surprise was lovely!

I think giving them a rough idea of how far away it is, and that the dress would be for a regular wedding (if that's what you plan) and leave it at that.

baby and crumble

Can you give people a rough idea of location etc just so they can plan things? They might need accommodation, etc.

Personally I hate the idea of a surprise location, but then I don't like surprises in general and hate uncertainty so this would just stress me out to the gills as a guest.

LeinsterDub

GingerLily wrote: »

Our friends did this and I thought it was a bit silly, the main reason people look up the venue is to get an idea of the dress code, not out of a malicious nosiness. As a couple you'll have to agree on what is the right decision for you, but I really think you'll find this is making it more hassle rather then less.

It's a wedding surely the dress code is pretty formal.

Siubhanmac

promises wrote: »

He prefers d surprise factor, and doesn't want his family checking out venue before d day and possibly having only negative things to say.

& your OH knows his family better than anyone. If he thinks that this is the craic they'll be up to in advance then I'd go with him & leave it a surprise.
Then again I like surprises !
The only caution I'd have about it being a surprise is that some may be vocal about their disappointment if its not a posher/cooler/more exclusive venue than they originally thought it may be (as they'll be guessing its HEAPS of places in the run up to the wedding) .

Congratulations to you both & best of luck x x x:P

Malari

baby and crumble wrote: »

Can you give people a rough idea of location etc just so they can plan things? They might need accommodation, etc.

Personally I hate the idea of a surprise location, but then I don't like surprises in general and hate uncertainty so this would just stress me out to the gills as a guest.

As long as you knew it was a normal restaurant it should be ok, and assurances about accommodation, location, etc could be made.

I mean if i was worried the couple might surprise everyone by bringing them to an island where you had to go on a boat, or a beach BBQ, then yes, I'd be pretty pi$$ed off I wasn't told, but apart from that...I don't think most people would get stressed? Or am I just very laid back?!

baby and crumble

Malari wrote: »

I mean if i was worried the couple might surprise everyone by bringing them to an island where you had to go on a boat, or a beach BBQ, then yes, I'd be pretty pi$$ed off I wasn't told, but apart from that...I don't think most people would get stressed? Or am I just very laid back?!

I'm pretty relaxed about a lot of things but I'm quite highly strung when it comes to this. There's a whole rake of reasons I won't get into on this particular thread but some people really don't like not knowing where they'll be spending their time, and have reasons they might need to prepare a little, mentally.

I mean I wouldn't freak out and blow off a wedding for that reason, but it would make me quite stressed out in the run up to it.

Malari

baby and crumble wrote: »

I'm pretty relaxed about a lot of things but I'm quite highly strung when it comes to this. There's a whole rake of reasons I won't get into on this particular thread but some people really don't like not knowing where they'll be spending their time, and have reasons they might need to prepare a little, mentally.

I mean I wouldn't freak out and blow off a wedding for that reason, but it would make me quite stressed out in the run up to it.

Fair enough. It's a family only celebratory meal though, I guess the couple know their guests well enough to know if this would be an issue.

Loveinapril

A surprise would make me think that there will be a big reveal, so if it is just a standard restaurant/ meal, people might be a bit disappointed, or wonder why you made such a big deal out of keeping a regular choice secret. People will always find something to moan about so if they are that way inclined, they will moan about it. I personally wouldn't like the surprise element as I like to be prepared with things like parking, accommodation and it is also nice knowing the food type!

Ruby31

We picked a place that wasn't very well known for holding weddings. I was really disappointed when my mum told me that she and my dad called down to see the place the day before the wedding. She told they were worried about what it was going to be like. Well it was a kick in the teeth for me and my husband was really annoyed when I told him. It told me that they didn't trust myself and my husband to pick somewhere decent. The day was fab and we wouldn't have changed a thing.

The venue is now well known for hosting weddings and corporate functions.

Some people make such a big deal about weddings. They make it about themselves when it'd supposed to be about the couple.

pwurple

Ruby31 wrote: »

We picked a place that wasn't very well known for holding weddings. I was really disappointed when my mum told me that she and my dad called down to see the place the day before the wedding. She told they were worried about what it was going to be like. Well it was a kick in the teeth for me and my husband was really annoyed when I told him..

Ah come on, a kick in the teeth because they went to take a look? That's a bit precious isn't it?

Some people make such a big deal about weddings. They make it about themselves when it'd supposed to be about the couple.

Erm no, as the host of an event, it is about your guests and their comfort.


OP, I too hate surprises of any kind. There is more stuff going on in my life than your event. I need to plan around it, let people know where I am in case of emergencies etc.

So what if they say "oh I don't like it" and whinge a bit. That's what the moaners in every family do. Roll your eyeballs and get over it.

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jlm29

I don't get the point of keeping it a surprise really. It seems a little bit.... national school or something.
That said, if I were on the guest list, i wouldn't be moaning about it (well not to your face anyhow), is just get on with it.

seamus

Ah weddings. They bring out all the family craziness.

There are plenty of reasons why you would want to keep things secret. Some families are incredibly overbearing and controlling. Others often act with good intentions, but in a misguided way.

Usually it boils down to parents or siblings forgetting that the couple are adults, and so they do things without consulting them because they feel as family that they're entitled to.

I've heard of parents cancelling reception venues and booking new ones because they didn't like what was booked. Or arriving down to the venue and demanding a taste of the proposed menu and then making changes because they weren't happy. Or changing the seating arrangements. Or the table centres. Or the timings. And at the mildest arranging for surprises for the couple - which are 99% of the time well received, but some people's families have no cop on and arrange something inappropriate or that clashes with other arrangements.

So I can definitely understand why some people feel the need to keep everything a secret from their families.

Even at the most basic, would it not be a bit irritating if the day of the wedding arrived and your mother went around telling everyone to have the fish because, "I tried the steak here a few weeks ago and it was no good"?

If I got an invite with no venue details, I guess my first question would be, "Well then, where the hell are we supposed to go?". So if you're going to do this, present your guests with a timetable, e.g. "Wedding at X church at 12:30pm, followed by drinks at 2pm, dinner at 5pm. Reception to be revealed after the ceremony!"

If you have people travelling up who'll need somewhere to stay, you'll have to give them a general idea of where the reception is so they can book nearby.

Neyite

If someone in your /his family are likely to be critical of elements of your wedding, then they'll just find something else to moan about - in this case likely the fact you won't disclose the venue in advance. Be prepared for sarcastic comments about you thinking you are celebrities or something.

Gatica

Some people like the element of surprise, some don't.
I was fairly open about most of our wedding plans and found out some close family had gone and got a brochure of our venue. They never criticised it and only said positive things, my only thing was that I didn't really wanna share pricing, and the brochures did give guide cost pp and cost of packages. I am private enough about finances, so that I didn't like.

Candlemania

promises wrote: »

(...) doesn't want his family checking out venue before d day and possibly having only negative things to say. (...)

Loveinapril wrote: »

A surprise would make me think that there will be a big reveal, so if it is just a standard restaurant/ meal, people might be a bit disappointed, or wonder why you made such a big deal out of keeping a regular choice secret. People will always find something to moan about so if they are that way inclined, they will moan about it (...)

So far more con's than pro's... I would't like it to be a surprise either. Unless... it was something spectacular;)

And I agree with @Loveinapril, these people will find a reason to moan about anyway, no matter whether ye choose to tell them or not.

Good luck, stay positive and enjoy your big day!