She says we are just lovers.

Stonedpilot

Met an attractive girl few weeks ago and we hit it off quickly first date and sex within a week. Shes been very open with me on her private life and her difficulties. She is intelligent and has decent job and studies college course part time remotely.
We have alot in common get on good and fancy each other. Shes told me several times how much she fancies me.

Anyways she can be very intense in her conversations really probing sometimes and frankly very odd spirtually to the macabe in the same paragraph and strikes me as being somewhat lonely she lives alone in a suburban house . We have done several things together cinema, cooking, trips to beach etc and it often leads to sex. Thing is she says to me we are just lovers.I find this odd as she is intimate with me and we do the couples stuff. Its growing the relationship so its unusual that she calls me her lover, not boyfriend. I dont expect commitment straight away but I see us as more than lovers.
Some might say she wants her cake and eat it or Im being taken for a spin but we pay for our own stuff, I really enjoy her company and we both like each other so not really.

Anyone experience on a woman saying this?. I don't frankly!.

woodchuck

Maybe she just means that she's not looking for anything long-term/serious. Maybe she wants something short term. I.e. not an "official" boyfriend, but someone to have fun with both inside and outside the bedroom.

Or maybe things will evolve into something more serious with time. It has only been a few weeks though, so maybe she just feels it's too early to put a label on things!

This is all just speculation though. Nobody can tell you what she's actually thinking. Have either of you talked about what you're actually looking for from a relationship? There's a big difference between starting out casual and seeing how things go vs not looking for anything serious at all.

Foxhound38

Stonedpilot wrote: »

We pay for our own stuff, I really enjoy her company and we both like each other

This strikes me as far more important than the title of your connection OP - in my experience if you concentrate on solidifying and deepening the above then the couple thing will sort itself out, if and when that's what both parties want.

By all means, talk to her about how you feel if it's something that is bother you or that you are getting hung up about, but bare in mind that people go at different paces when it comes to intimacy. She may have been burned before and is taking a cautious approach to take one possible example, and that's fine.

If you like her and she likes you, then you have all the time in the world OP so take advantage of that time and don't rush things.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe things will solidify into a normal relationship in time. But maybe they won't and that's something you need to be prepared for. She seems to be at pains to keep you at bay in terms of how she's describing what you are.

You're clearly very invested in this and you're in danger of being very hurt. All I can suggest is talking to her.

leggo

Stonedpilot wrote: »

Anyways she can be very intense in her conversations really probing sometimes and frankly very odd spirtually to the macabe in the same paragraph and strikes me as being somewhat lonely she lives alone in a suburban house .

This part struck me and I'm not 100% sure why. It's like you're looking at her life and projecting what you want from her onto her given what you know, for example the lonely part. She's lonely and yet she actively wants to keep you at arm's length? That's an inconsistency.

As for what she meant, I don't know. She could be also dating three other guys in similar scenarios and be happy with that setup, which would be totally fine if you haven't agreed to be exclusive, hence needing to make the distinction as a way of letting you know. Alternatively she might just hate labels and the pressure that comes with them so is just enjoying being with you until it's at a stage where you're just naturally together.

If it's something that genuinely bothers you, like if you're finding it hard to proceed with this because you're catching the feels, then bring it up, let her know what you would like from this and be prepared for the fact that it might not go your way, then focus on finding someone who does want what you want. However if you like her and the setup but are just over-thinking what she said, then put it down to over-thinking and just go along with things as they are and see how it goes.

Colser

By any chance has she previously had a bad breakup or relationship,maybe she doesn't want to risk getting hurt again and is making sure that you know where she stands at the moment.

HalloweenJack

It's just semantics, imo. The word "lover" includes the word "love", it sounds more romantic than "boyfriend", tbh. I think it's a word that could mean different things to different people.

I wouldn't get too worried about that for now. It sounds like it's going well and it's very early days, no need to rush into labelling things. Don't go making a deal out of this while things are going well.

Wheety

HalloweenJack wrote: »

It's just semantics, imo. The word "lover" includes the word "love", it sounds more romantic than "boyfriend", tbh. I think it's a word that could mean different things to different people.

I wouldn't get too worried about that for now. It sounds like it's going well and it's very early days, no need to rush into labelling things. Don't go making a deal out of this while things are going well.

This. I'm married and sometimes call my wife my lover. Maybe she doesn't like the word boyfriend as she's not a teenager. Don't worry about it.

Unless you have suspicions, I wouldn't ask if you're exclusive. Might sound like you want to sleep with someone else or accusing her of doing it.

You say it's still early days, so just enjoy the ride (excuse the pun).

Stonedpilot

woodchuck wrote: »

Maybe she just means that she's not looking for anything long-term/serious. Maybe she wants something short term. I.e. not an "official" boyfriend, but someone to have fun with both inside and outside the bedroom.

Or maybe things will evolve into something more serious with time. It has only been a few weeks though, so maybe she just feels it's too early to put a label on things!

This is all just speculation though. Nobody can tell you what she's actually thinking. Have either of you talked about what you're actually looking for from a relationship? There's a big difference between starting out casual and seeing how things go vs not looking for anything serious at all.

This she wants all the benefits of being in a relationship but not call it one but thus she can 'walkaway' anytime and think well we weren't in a relationship.

It's going OK but she does want to have an angle like this, so she doesn't have to get too close as on the outside she's confident and brash but I know inside shes shy and insecure. She also likes to make me jealous 'this guy, that guy was hitting on me today at work etc etc. I usually respond with 'your attempts at jealousy are sooooo obvious but yes it is annoying!.

This maybe to keep me at arms length but I don't believe in this lovers only thing, of course emotions and feelings get involved.

woodchuck

Stonedpilot wrote: »

This she wants all the benefits of being in a relationship but not call it one but thus she can 'walkaway' anytime and think well we weren't in a relationship.

It's going OK but she does want to have an angle like this, so she doesn't have to get too close as on the outside she's confident and brash but I know inside shes shy and insecure. She also likes to make me jealous 'this guy, that guy was hitting on me today at work etc etc. I usually respond with 'your attempts at jealousy are sooooo obvious but yes it is annoying!.

This maybe to keep me at arms length but I don't believe in this lovers only thing, of course emotions and feelings get involved.

Have you talked to her about this?

It's possible that she's been hurt badly in the past and is afraid of commitment.

I think you need to find out from her if she has any interest in an "official" relationship with you (either now or the not too distant future). If not, it's doomed to failure and heartache.

Stonedpilot

woodchuck wrote: »

Have you talked to her about this?

It's possible that she's been hurt badly in the past and is afraid of commitment.

I think you need to find out from her if she has any interest in an "official" relationship with you (either now or the not too distant future). If not, it's doomed to failure and heartache.

True. Will talk to her about it.

notsoyoungwan

Stonedpilot wrote: »

but I don't believe in this lovers only thing, of course emotions and feelings get involved.

Not necessarily. Plenty of people have very successful friends with benefits/fcuk buddy scenarios going on without emotions and feelings. I've had more than one such set-up myself, all of which remained uncomplicated by emotions. Of course, there are lots of people who don't believe in such casual uncommitted sex, and if you're one of them and she's not, then it's not going to end well.

Stonedpilot

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

Not necessarily. Plenty of people have very successful friends with benefits/fcuk buddy scenarios going on without emotions and feelings. I've had more than one such set-up myself, all of which remained uncomplicated by emotions. Of course, there are lots of people who don't believe in such casual uncommitted sex, and if you're one of them and she's not, then it's not going to end well.

I think sex without emotions and passion is pure crap.
I simply cant get into a person sexually if I dont care for em somewhat.

Boggles my mind guys who use hookers. A **** is more intimate.

neonsofa

Honestly you've only known each other a few weeks, I don't think this is in anyway unusual? I'd have thought most people want to get to know the person they are seeing a bit better before any commitment to a relationship. I usually know a guy a few months before we make things exclusive. Obviously talk to the girl and be upfront about what you want yourself, but tbh I don't find it all that unusual if she's not too keen on labelling it so soon.

amtc

You could just be over thinking it! I worked with a girl who called her (now husband) her lover, as she reckoned she was too old to have a boyfriend and calling him a partner sounded like she was playing bridge with him!

Btw living on your own does.not mean you're lonely!

Ursus Horribilis

Anyways she can be very intense in her conversations really probing sometimes and frankly very odd spiritually to the macabre in the same paragraph and strikes me as being somewhat lonely she lives alone in a suburban house

It's going OK but she does want to have an angle like this, so she doesn't have to get too close as on the outside she's confident and brash but I know inside she's shy and insecure. She also likes to make me jealous 'this guy, that guy was hitting on me today at work etc etc. I usually respond with 'your attempts at jealousy are sooooo obvious but yes it is annoying!.

I don't know this woman but these above descriptions make me wonder have you fallen for someone who's a bit of a headwreck? Especially when you tell us she's trying to make you jealous? Sometimes people can get reeled in by someone who's a bit vulnerable, a bit mysterious, a bit complicated and has a bit of a bird with a broken wing about them.

neonsofa

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I don't know this woman but these above descriptions make me wonder have you fallen for someone who's a bit of a headwreck? Especially when you tell us she's trying to make you jealous? Sometimes people can get reeled in by someone who's a bit vulnerable, a bit mysterious, has a bit of a bird with a broken wing about them.

Oh God I completely missed that jealousy game stuff. That's childish,I'd have no time for that.

notsoyoungwan

Stonedpilot wrote: »

I think sex without emotions and passion is pure crap.
I simply cant get into a person sexually if I dont care for em somewhat.

Boggles my mind guys who use hookers. A **** is more intimate.

Fair enough if it's not for you but you should nonetheless be aware that not everyone else sgares your opinion and she may well be one of those people who enjoys casual meaningless sex.

Stonedpilot

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I don't know this woman but these above descriptions make me wonder have you fallen for someone who's a bit of a headwreck? Especially when you tell us she's trying to make you jealous? Sometimes people can get reeled in by someone who's a bit vulnerable, a bit mysterious, a bit complicated and has a bit of a bird with a broken wing about them.

Yes she is a headwreck. Always trying to make me jealous and recently realized she LOVES the sound of her own voice as me or no one else could get a word in edgeways. Bit of an ego!.
at something. Gonna play it cool as think she just wants sex. I mean shes affectionate and passionate but not really into a relationship I dont think.

neonsofa

Stonedpilot wrote: »

Yes she is a headwreck. Always trying to make me jealous and recently realized she LOVES the sound of her own voice as me or no one else could get a word in edgeways. Bit of an ego!.
at something. Gonna play it cool as think she just wants sex. I mean shes affectionate and passionate but not really into a relationship I dont think.

What all due respect, the way you have spoken about her there gives the impression that you don't want a relationship with her either, or if you do then I have no idea why because you're not speaking very highly of her.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe it's time to cut your losses before you get pulled in any further? You don't have nice things to say about her, though to be fair those traits would annoy most people. Are you being led by the little man in your trousers?

neonsofa

Yeah...I'm out

Stonedpilot

neonsofa wrote: »

Yeah...I'm out

She is into 50 shades of grey etc.

OK

Later dude. :cool:

Meauldsegosha

It sounds like you love the drama as much as she does.

Mr Starman

Stonedpilot wrote: »

Met an attractive girl few weeks ago and we hit it off quickly first date and sex within a week.!

...and then you had to go and ruin it all by overthinking it. Good job!

Stonedpilot

Mr Starman wrote: »

...and then you had to go and ruin it all by overthinking it. Good job!

No smartarse I didnt over think it just curious as to if anyone had experience on this. She ANALYSES things way more than me.
Obviously you dont have experiemce with this.

LegacyUser

OP be patient, hang tough and relax. its early days.

was in a similar situtaion with a girl a few years back ; though we never really did couply things as the OP has said. she was s*x mad and in the first couple of weeks we were at it 4 or 5 times every night we met. she introduced me to one of her friends as her f*ck buddy and i thought to myself "sure, fair enough!" and i went along with it.

fast forward a few weeks later and she was the one wanting a relationship and i didnt, as she had set the scene and it was what it was for me, from once she called me her f*ck buddy. it ended shortly after.

Stonedpilot

same situation wrote: »

OP be patient, hang tough and relax. its early days.

was in a similar situtaion with a girl a few years back ; though we never really did couply things as the OP has said. she was s*x mad and in the first couple of weeks we were at it 4 or 5 times every night we met. she introduced me to one of her friends as her f*ck buddy and i thought to myself "sure, fair enough!" and i went along with it.

fast forward a few weeks later and she was the one wanting a relationship and i didnt, as she had set the scene and it was what it was for me, from once she called me her f*ck buddy. it ended shortly after.

Yep in a similar situation, I know she likes me but is also keeping her distance. This lady also big into sex. I just don't want to end up getting hurt or feel like I'm being used and as soon as something better comes along she is gone.

She wants to make me jealous and stuff and it seems like a weird set up to be honest, her wanting her man but technically I'm not in her eyes, load of convoluted balls. I need defining lines not wishy washy ****e to be frank in a relationship.