Horrible sad truth about my life.

LegacyUser

I'm a 38 year old male who has absolutely no friends, no social skills and I shake at the thought of going anywhere on my own-pub, town etc, I have absolutely no confidence in those situations and my number 1 fear (as stupid as it sounds) is bumping into past classmates or current workmates as they are shopping with their other half/drinking with mates etc and they see me, all alone, the sad loser that they know I am.
I was badly bullied in school and it had such a bad effect on me I withdrew from life completely, never had any mates, too scared or shy to meet women etc and I had to force myself through 4 years of college, I just kept the head down and worked, never really mixed with my classmates but they were nice people. I just had no confidence. I did get an honours degree in Physics though so I'm not a complete failure. And I travel the world alone as I like to experience new cultures and weirdly, that's where I'm on fire, I am happy and relaxed and confident but when I'm home it all starts again.

I got counselling at 30 as I had hit rock bottom with the agoraphobia. It helped me realise I was a good person and worth something but sadly I couldn't get over the stumbling block of meeting new people. I went to one MeetUp on my own but I shook so badly I ran off before the 1st person arrived and I got sick in my car. I coudnt do it. Now all I do is work and home, NETFLIX, work home repeat as above. My workmates gave up on me ages ago.

I know I shouldn't do it but I look up my past classmates and workmates on FB and they all have someone, its like nobody could even fathom being single and they don't care what it feels like and why should they its not their problem. Do you think I have missed the boat with life or can I improve? Shaking at the thought of being seen alone seems a million years away from any sort of normal life.

LLMMLL

Definitely possible to turn your life around. It's not easy though. Personally I think you need to have some CBT counseling to deal with your social anxiety. It sounds too serious to deal with alone. It sounds like you've rebuffed a lot of the people who have made an effort so they're not going to keep trying and you're right in that nobody's going to beg you to be their friend so you're going to have to be the one to make an effort.

screamer

You've not missed the boat but your confidence and self esteem are shot to bits. Lots of us were bullied in school but for me anyways that was a lifetime ago and I've faced bigger obstacles than the bullies in life and come out the other side. I think the problem here is not the bullies, it's your perception of yourself and it seems like you are your own tormentor now. I agree CBT is a good idea and may help you to reframe your life and achievements in a positive way. You've done well with your qualifications and career you should be proud of that. and a relationship is not the be all and end all of life. You need to be good to yourself and remember it's not people who can make you feel the way you do about things it's your own reaction to them. Please seek out some CBT, life is too short to feel so lost. Please start tonight being kind to yourself, being good to yourself and thinking to yourself " I deserve better" . You do and deep down you know it.

Airyfairy12

Theres always time to turn things around. Its never too late. As for your old acquaintances, so what if theyre in relationships? there are lots of single men and women in their 30's, 40's and beyond.
You said you went to counselling a few years ago, would you consider seeing a psychologist? I know counsellors are great for helping to sort through minor issues or depression but theyre not always adept at dealing with deep rooted problems like what youre describing. It could be worth a try.
Have you got any pets? A cat or dog would be a great companion. When I was going through a particularly rough patch I found a little kitten in my shed, it must have been dumped by someone as ive no neighbours and it was too little to have wandered off so far on its own. I took him in and honestly he improved my wellbeing a huge amount. 4 years later he still follows me around the house and hardly leaves my side. Id really recommend a pet if youre able to take care of one.
Be kind to yourself, dont put yourself down. You can get through this, it takes time but you'll get there.

When youre in those situations take a deep breath, try to calm yourself down and remind yourself theyre just people, theyre not going to hurt you.

Steviesol

To build your self esteem, you must do eteemable things. Be of service, help out, local charities, put yourself out there, and always remember "What other people think, is none of your business"

Best of luck.

Wesser

If it's overshadowing your life that badly.... May be you shjould consider moving abroad... Where youre .....' on fire'!??

God knows people have emigrated for less than that.

jooksavage

Not going to offer any therapeutic advice beyond counselling and CBT which has already been mentioned. My OH works in this area and has helped lots of people in situations like yours.

At 38, you've got tons of living to do! My own father stayed at home to take care of his mother and tend the family farm. He was 46 when she died and had never had a serious relationship while his siblings all had families. Today he's been married 36 years and has a growing brood of grandkids to spoil.

You've done a good job articulating the problem and you're being honest with yourself - a lot of people can't bring themselves to this place. The next step is to ask for help.

jacksie66

This post has been deleted.

haveabanana

Hi OP, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know you said you tried going to a meetup, and I'm not sure where you are based, but there are a couple of social anxiety meetups in Dublin, they could be worth a try. Meeting people who are supportive and understand your situation could help, on top of the other things that people have mentioned here.
https://www.meetup.com/topics/social-anxiety-support-group/ie/dublin/

December2012

You are still a very young man and have lots of time to have a great social life if you want.

Have you any online friends? You could start there? Maybe you now have a form of social anxiety that you can explore (it's not a diagnosis, I know nothing about these types of conditions, but a lot of people have some sort of problem in this regard so you're not alone!)

Try meetup again. The very beauty of it is that it is for people who do want to add to their social circle, so you're perfect for it.

Do you do any fitness, like a sport? Any classes or team you could join just to get used to being around people (but not necessarily to make friends).

Travel is very interesting to talk about, presumably so is your work?

Be kind to yourself, there's somebody for everybody.

zoobizoo

Going to MEet Up on your own was a brave move... well done you. Don't worry that it didn't work out the first time. I know people who have lots of friends and who are very successful who would never go to something like that.

Not only that, they'd never travel alone... they've never gone out of their comfort zone.

You are totally not too late to get on with things...


As for others on Facebook etc, try to stop comparing yourself to others, and focus on your own happiness and where you can find it.


Can I suggest as well to buy a book call The Feeling Good Handbook - it's an exercise led CBT book which I found very useful . A friend swears by the book "Feel The Fear and Do it Anyway"... buy them online if they don't stock them locally.


BTW, you have succeeded in traveling, getting a degree, getting a job, seeing exciting things and being brave enough to go to a Meet Up.

messy tessy

I agree with deleting Facebook. Everyone puts up their best version of their life, you don't know if those seemingly perfect couples are happy with their lot either. They could be massively unhappy in their relationship, facing money problems etc etc. It's only making you feel worse about your life so I'd say get rid.

Also take a look at what you have going for you. Education, job, the ability and finances to travel the world. Confidence you can work on, and 38 is not too old to turn everything around.

Garrett81

ColdHardTruth wrote: »

I'm a 38 year old male who has absolutely no friends, no social skills and I shake at the thought of going anywhere on my own-pub, town etc, I have absolutely no confidence in those situations and my number 1 fear (as stupid as it sounds) is bumping into past classmates or current workmates as they are shopping with their other half/drinking with mates etc and they see me, all alone, the sad loser that they know I am.
I was badly bullied in school and it had such a bad effect on me I withdrew from life completely, never had any mates, too scared or shy to meet women etc and I had to force myself through 4 years of college, I just kept the head down and worked, never really mixed with my classmates but they were nice people. I just had no confidence. I did get an honours degree in Physics though so I'm not a complete failure. And I travel the world alone as I like to experience new cultures and weirdly, that's where I'm on fire, I am happy and relaxed and confident but when I'm home it all starts again.

I got counselling at 30 as I had hit rock bottom with the agoraphobia. It helped me realise I was a good person and worth something but sadly I couldn't get over the stumbling block of meeting new people. I went to one MeetUp on my own but I shook so badly I ran off before the 1st person arrived and I got sick in my car. I coudnt do it. Now all I do is work and home, NETFLIX, work home repeat as above. My workmates gave up on me ages ago.

I know I shouldn't do it but I look up my past classmates and workmates on FB and they all have someone, its like nobody could even fathom being single and they don't care what it feels like and why should they its not their problem. Do you think I have missed the boat with life or can I improve? Shaking at the thought of being seen alone seems a million years away from any sort of normal life.

Hello,
I found your post touch me with sadness, as I spent most of my life just like you. I searched every where for answers, talked to family,psychotherapists or anyone who would love love listen. There is no easy answer or short cuts I can give you, but only what worked for me.

I realised I was deeply hurt during childhood like you and I carried it around with like me like an anchor always weighing me down and holding me back in life. I knew I had a lot more inner work to do and that was my point of focus. The change must take place within.

I began reading self help books Healing the inner child by Bradshaw, the power of now by echart tolle, who tackle the things you talked about. I began doing short courses one evening a week even do I was terrified just to put myself in a uncomfortable position. I also got in contact with an organisation called S.H.E.P www.shep.ie and they run a year long personal development courses one evening a week, and met people who were exactly like me. Somewhere along the way the fear/anxiety and self hate and a lot of healing took place.

.It has taken time but I put in the work and it has paid off. I made a decision I was going to
put myself out there and was willing to let myself be vulnerable with people and trust them. You wont change unless you really get up, be determined and tell yourself that life is too short to be living like this. You can do it mate just give it a go.