Managing families from afar

DancingDaisy

Is anyone else the family member who seems to end up responsible for solving all the fights and arguments in their family, or the one everyone comes to to fix stuff? I'm less than 3 months put of an abusive relationship, and my parents and brother have had a massive falling out, both sides turning to me to fix it.

I have a crazy mother and step-father on one side and a grieving and depressed brother on the other (our Dad dies in March), and I have no clue how to fix them all when Im literally hanging by a thread myself. How do you break the cycle?

Oswin

Hi Dancing Daisy,

Sorry for your loss, you've been through a lot in the last 6 months. Sounds like you're all adults so I think you need to leave them to sort it out themselves. It might be hard to break the cycle if you're always the one to fix things but its not your responsibility and you need to look after yourself.

Take care

dellas1979

But its not your problem to fix.

Its not your duty to fix other people's issues with each other.

You know what will happen, they will turn on you in the end.

All you can do is suggest that they talk to each other responsibly and like adults. And end of story.

DancingDaisy

It's so hard to stand back and watch people you love implode. But thank you

dellas1979

It is.....I can tell you I know first hand experience of my own family.

They are adults who fell out. They need to resolve like adults.

Else nothing is learned.

All you can do is encourage to make peace, and not be a go between.

DancingDaisy

They don't really want me as a go between. Basically my folks have kicked my brother out because he's not working, and not sleeping proper hours. He's not doing these things because he is severely depressed and trying to get help and find meds that work. However they've decided he's just lazy and needs to get on with it. My folks want me to tell them they they are correct (they arent), and my bro wants to live with me, but I have nowhere to put him. I've pointed him towards other family members that I know can help, which has pissed my mother off because now she's embarrassed.

Im thinking of just finding a circus to run away with.

dellas1979

I still wouldnt get involved.

Unless he is a minor?

Your bro needs to get his sheit together. Long-term, your parents could be doing him a favour. Is he on meds/councelling etc? What has he done to help himself?

I'd support someone till the end of the earth, esp a family member, but he needs to support himself first.

Your way of supporting him could be to offer him a place to stay (if you can). As a short term. But he needs to stand on his own two feet.

DancingDaisy

He is an adult. He's on meds and going to counselling. He's been trying to dig his way out of the hole. He's even signed himself into psych care when it was really bad. Our dad passed in March due to lithium poisining from extreme bi-polar meds over the last 20 odd years, and its had a massive impact on both of us, but he's taking it harder.

dellas1979

Well, if it was me, I would prioritise helping/supporting your brother over you trying to make amends between them.

The amends just sounds like a way to get him a place to stay. And that wont work.

He might be better off out of that environment anyways.

His safety and getting better is priority. Not mending the fall out.