Roped into giving lifts

LegacyUser

Finding this increasingly annoying, and wondering if anyone else would feel likewise. Fully aware that it's a minor issue and if the general consensus is 'get on with it, it's no big deal', I'd accept that.

A girl started at work 4 months ago and pretty much since day 1 I've been giving her a lift to work in the morning every single day, sometimes home in the evenings, and sometimes to go home at lunch too. It's about 5km each way so not much, but still means I have to line up our planned start and finish times. The thing is, I don't mind giving lifts, but I never offered to do so on a regular basis. After about a week of me bringing her in the morning, she said "so is it ok if you bring me from now on?" and, caught off guard and with no real reason not to, I agreed.

Now it's 4 months later and I'm getting tired of the regular texts confirming times etc. Especially on a Sunday night when she asks can I bring her in the morning and I'm in no mood for work people. She's usually 2/3 minutes late every morning, and has never given me money for fuel, despite me having driven her about 500km easily at this stage. She offered after about a month of the lifts, and because the distance is so small I would feel petty taking money off her- I told her to buy me a drink in the pub on Thursdays instead. I'm yet to be bought a single drink!

Just getting a bit fed up of it with no end in sight. There are plenty of others who drive that way so she could rotate between us a bit more. She complains about not having her own car but I feel like saying why did you move to a remote village then?! I find the small talk draining and want my car back to myself!

A friend told me to tell her I'm going to start cycling but I don't want to have to cycle just to make that excuse seem legit, haha. My own mother tells me to be a nice person and just get on with it so maybe I should! Thoughts?

Xterminator

points of note.

1. She asked (didnt assume), and you agreed to make it a regular arrangement.
2. She offered money - and you turned it down.

so i don't think you you were roped in, you agreed and now you have changed your mind.

going forward, explain to the workmate your circumstances have changed and you wont be in a position to give her a lift from next week, giving a weeks notice. you don't have to explain why and wherefore.

ahnow

It's not going to be comfortable but you could just tell her it no longer suits you to give her lifts, personally that would drive me mad every evening and every morning. It no longer suits you, you prefer not being tied into giving someone lifts, you hope she understands. And if she doesn't...well that's not really your problem. You've been doing her a favour!

Teyla Emmagan

Non drivers are a PITA OP. They think the world owes them a lift. You will have to just tell her it doesn't suit you to bring her in anymore. Suggest she get a bike :-)

dev100

Unwilling_chauffeur wrote:

Now it's 4 months later and I'm getting tired of the regular texts confirming times etc. Especially on a Sunday night when she asks can I bring her in the morning and I'm in no mood for work people. She's usually 2/3 minutes late every morning, and has never given me money for fuel, despite me having driven her about 500km easily at this stage. She offered after about a month of the lifts, and because the distance is so small I would feel petty taking money off her- I told her to buy me a drink in the pub on Thursdays instead. I'm yet to be bought a single drink! Just getting a bit fed up of it with no end in sight. There are plenty of others who drive that way so she could rotate between us a bit more. She complains about not having her own car but I feel like saying why did you move to a remote village then?! I find the small talk draining and want my car back to myself!

It drives me mad giving lifts on a full time basis . I like to be able to come and go as I please . It's like having children and you work to their schedule. Nowt wrong with that if it's your kids what you are is a very convenient mammy/daddy individual for this girl. Or it's like you have fed a stray cat once and now you can't get rid

My rule on lifts .

You wait on me and not me waiting on you to turn up. I'm gone at x time and if you ain't there that's your problem . I don't do txts or phone calls to see where you are etc. I don't mind giving a lift if it's not inconveniencing me in any shape or form.

Nothing is free she should appreciate your generosity even a fuel voucher the odd time it's the thought that counts I personally wouldn't be hung up on the value or wanting to be paid.

People who don't own a car don't see the costs involved in car ownership

What you need to do is not be less available ie go in later to work leave later, not be going home for lunches or have errands to run after work that you ain't going directly home .

wally1990

If you want to provide an excuse tell her your going back to take up the Gym and going in mornings and evenings now to get in shape so you will be passing her house at (X time which is way too early) and won't be able to drop her back in the evening cause your going straight to PT session
she will understand and need to make alternative arrangements

AllForIt

I think she's taking you for a ride.

Del2005

wally1990 wrote: »

If you want to provide an excuse tell her your going back to take up the Gym and going in mornings and evenings now to get in shape so you will be passing her house at (X time which is way too early) and won't be able to drop her back in the evening cause your going straight to PT session
she will understand and need to make alternative arrangements

No need to tell lies, especially since you will be easily caught out. Just tell her that from next week or month she'll have to sort out another way to get to work.

Meeoow

I was in the same situation as you. But I was getting money towards petrol.
The girl left work and I was free for a few weeks. Then landed with a fella from work. Dillydallying every morning. Always had to wait for him. So after a few weeks I told him I was going on shift and couldn't take him. Life's too short for that crap.
If you're getting a lift off someone, you should be there on time.

Scraggs

"Mary before I forget, situation has changed at home and I won't be able to give lifts from next week, I'm letting you know now so you have time to get yourself organised."
No need to apologise or explain. If she pushes it say you don't want to get into it. Unless she's a complete dope she won't push it any further.

dixiefly

How does she get in when you are on holidays or sick or need to go in late for whatever reason?

beertons

She shouldn't have to ask to give you money, she should be passing something over. Make plans before and after work for a while, she needs to stand on her own feet now.

Wexfordboy89

wally1990 wrote: »

If you want to provide an excuse tell her your going back to take up the Gym and going in mornings and evenings now to get in shape so you will be passing her house at (X time which is way too early) and won't be able to drop her back in the evening cause your going straight to PT session
she will understand and need to make alternative arrangements

Well that could back fire n she could say that sounds like a great idea ive been meaning to start going myself mind if I join you

LegacyUser

As a non driver this girl is taking the piss with you. You have months of driving her to and from work without a much a drink bought for you. She is not ready when you call and is complaining about not having a car.
Along with the above you have to work the same hours as her so that does not always suit you.

I pay for public transport to get around. Because of this I know the value of getting lifts to any place. I have a friend that drives so if I get a lift with them I would always pay for parking, offer them money or pay for lunch if we eat out.
I would not expect anyone to give me a lift to work and home each day without putting my hand in my pocket towards fuel and I would be ready on time for them also.

At this stage you need to tell her that in 2 weeks time I am no longer going to be able to give you a lift as things have changed at home. It is time to stop being a mug for her.

Tenigate

Hi Op
Completely your own fault, but here goes...

I can't see any reason not to continue giving her the lift to be honest! You're going that way anyway and it's a nice thing to do.

The way I'd approach it is on the way home on Friday, say "Look Mary it's not a problem giving you a lift but I like to unwind on Sunday night and not think about work, so please don't text me. I'll be heading to work at 8.40 and if you're standing at the agreed meeting point, I'll pick you up. If you're not, I'll assume you don't need a lift. I'll text you if anything comes up. [make clear you won't be kept late because of her]"

Leave on Monday before she budges from her desk and say to her on the way out the door "Mary, I'm leaving now. Do you need a lift?" See how she reacts.. If she refuses the lift, at least she'll know you're being firm in your leaving time & that it would be inconvenient to have you wait.

Lifts at lunchtime.. only offer if you know you're going home for lunch. Don't be tied down by agreeing it earlier in the morning, and even if you do, don't be afraid to change your plans.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Agree, I've ended up in this situation mainly by not putting my foot down in the beginning. I should have said I could give her a lift for a few weeks but she'd have to sort out something more permanent. Oh well, coulda woulda shoulda! She was over 5 mins late to the gate this morning and my irritation was palpable. I would be embarrassed to keep someone waiting like that. I used to occasionally need lifts as a graduate too and I was a lot more aware of these things than she seems to be.

However, I noticed she seemed fed up later in the morning so we had a chat, I don't think she's that happy here tbh so I'm trying to be nice. I just feel like somehow I've ended up in this general big sister role that I never asked for!

I think going forward I need to be more clear that I expect her to be outside waiting for me in the mornings, and I'd rather keep the lifts to mornings only. I do try to be nice to people and help them out but the lifts could definitely be shared more evenly amongst work people who live in the area. Having my own car is ferociously expensive and a large part of having it is the ability to come and go exactly as I please.

Thanks again, it's good to get opinions from here anyway

retro:electro

Firstly, you weren't roped into doing it. She asked you is this a pattern you're okay to continue with and you obliged. So you can't blame her for thinking otherwise. She offered you money also, and you turned it down- its very very awkward repeatedly trying to offer someone money who won't take it- after so many attempts you just give up. Again, not her fault.

However, the very least she could do is buy you a drink. And I do not blame you one bit for getting fed up of this arrangement, I would too. Our cars are where we retreat to after a long day of being "on" and enable you to just chill out, talk to yourself and just be you. Having to give someone a lift everyday just prolongs the social charade that you endure at work.

I think you should give her a weeks notice to find another way to work and just tell her your plans have changed and you can't do it anymore.

amtc

You don't have to give any reason but you do have to give some notice. Presumably there has been a period when on leave or sick?

From the other side I was quite happy taking the bus to work but a co worker who had car parking drove past me every day and offered me a lift. He played heavy metal in the car and bitched about his life...I arrived very stressed to work!

Anyway to avoid this I ended up taking up an online course and it was easier to do on bus. So maybe you could say that you're thinking of learning a foreign language or singing and you need the privacy of your car to practice? Not that you have to give an excuse.

Or you could just say 'listen, this is a bit difficult but I can't keep giving you a lift all the time. It's taking me out of my way and costing me money. If you're stuck I will help out but you're going to have to make alternative arrangements'

rainbowtrout

Unwilling_chauffeur wrote: »

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Agree, I've ended up in this situation mainly by not putting my foot down in the beginning. I should have said I could give her a lift for a few weeks but she'd have to sort out something more permanent. Oh well, coulda woulda shoulda! She was over 5 mins late to the gate this morning and my irritation was palpable. I would be embarrassed to keep someone waiting like that. I used to occasionally need lifts as a graduate too and I was a lot more aware of these things than she seems to be.

However, I noticed she seemed fed up later in the morning so we had a chat, I don't think she's that happy here tbh so I'm trying to be nice. I just feel like somehow I've ended up in this general big sister role that I never asked for!

I think going forward I need to be more clear that I expect her to be outside waiting for me in the mornings, and I'd rather keep the lifts to mornings only. I do try to be nice to people and help them out but the lifts could definitely be shared more evenly amongst work people who live in the area. Having my own car is ferociously expensive and a large part of having it is the ability to come and go exactly as I please.

Thanks again, it's good to get opinions from here anyway

In your first post you said you want your car back to yourself. Now you're saying it'll be ok once she's on time. If you want to stop giving her lifts you are going to have to bite the bullet and just say it straight out.

You don't have to give her a reason. You can just say 'Look Mary, it's not convenient for me anymore to give you lifts to and from work, so after next Friday you'll have to find another way in'. And you know what, she will, because she has to.

Your other comment about sharing out the lifts to work among other emoloyees: they are not obliged to give her lifts, if she chooses to try and get a lift with one of them that's between herself and them.

Ursus Horribilis

You're sending out mixed messages here, not just to this girl but to us. After reading your latest update I've no clue what it is you want. Are you normally this bad at making decisions that won't make other people happy? Because you are coming across here as a bit weak and indecisive. Because you didn't nip this in the bud, you're now digging yourself deeper into the doo-doo. Stop digging and decide what it is you want. Do you or do you not want to carry this girl to work?

You are this girl's colleague. Not her mammy. As the others have rightly pointed out, her getting to work is not your problem. Nor any other colleague's for that matter. She is a grown-up and getting to work on time is her responsibility and hers alone.

You have been given a very simple solution to your issue. All you have to do is tell her that you're not going to be in a position to carry her to work from x date. There's no need to start making up excuses about going to gyms or anything like that. Be firm, stand your ground and learn how to say No.

December2012

Step 1 - decide what you want. Is it no lifts? Is it lifts with getting paid? Is it lifts with gratitude?

Step 2 - think about it again. What do you actually want to happen? You've been giving very different statements here, so maybe you're not sure yet.

Step 3. Tell her. "I won't be giving you lifts any more from next Friday". "From next Friday I need fuel money from you". "From next Friday if you're not there when I am going I will be heading on"

Steviesol

Morning time is precious time, you have been kind enough so far. I wouldn't do it anymore

LegacyUser

I'm indecisive because I don't know what to do next! If I knew exactly what was best I wouldn't have posted in PI. I was just interested in the opinions of others on what level of lifts they'd be happy to give, if any.

Yes I found myself agreeing to the lifts months ago, when caught off guard, and am now tiring of the situation as there is no change coming and she is unwilling to cycle the 15 minute journey.

I do need to be more assertive and tell her I'm not waiting 5 mins for her every day. And I'm not bringing her twice a day. As another poster said, I'm more inclined to give lifts when I'm not inconvenienced in any way whatsoever.

Ursus Horribilis

Well, let's boil it down to something very simple so. It really is a black and white decision which you've shaded with a lot of grey.

1. You decide you don't want to give her any more lifts. You tell her you're not going to be in a position to give her a lift from Monday week.

2. You decide you are prepared to give her lifts. You establish some ground rules (e.g. money, timekeeping)

Edit: you made a comment about her being unwilling to cycle to work and that you didn't see any change coming. I don't get this at all. You were asked by her if was it OK if you brought her to work from now on. You said it was. So why would she cycle or change her arrangements when she's got a lift?

You also say you were looking for opinions as to what's an OK level of lifts. That's like asking how long is a piece of string? For me, I would hate to start carrying colleagues to work every day. I have absolutely no problem giving them a lift if they're in a bind (and indeed, I have done) but there's no way I would ever want to get into something more permanent. From what I can see, most people don't. There used to be a group of colleagues in my office who car shared but over time their arrangement fizzled out. Most people prefer to have their own car and their own peace and quiet as they drive to and from work.

Here's another thought for you. Back when I got my first proper job, I was initially depending on lifts from my mum and my uncle. That's when I got my first car and learned how to drive. I could barely afford the car at the time but it gave me great independence. Maybe it's time this girl started looking at something like this too.

LegacyUser

Probably digging a hole here and has been touched upon else where. What I would do is say that you have a new routine and am bringing X and Y (partner, kids, nieces, whoever) to a certain location and will be going a different route to your work place from Z date. A small lie might be easier in this instance.

I am not a very confrontational person and would prob come across as weak too. If I had the balls I would say 'Come here, I don't mind giving lifts at all and you are welcome to them whenever I'm not on leave, but you need to be on time'. Another idea would be to run low on petrol and stop at a station on way to work to see if she gets the hint. I'd be like 'God petrol is gone nuts these days' and see what she says.

I think you just need to tell her it no longer suits to bring her. It would be bad enough doing it all the time if she was working to your schedule but the fact she keeps you waiting is crazy. Even if it means notbgoing straightvuome for the first week just to show that you are found something different and once she has an alternative you can just start going home again when you want.

The drive to work in the morning is my time to wake up and listen to the radio, I really don't want to have anyone else in the car with me as it just annoys me. I gave a lift to a colleague during the bus strike which I didn't mind too much as I know he would go back to getting the bus as I go to work later and finish later than he would normally (we have flexitime) but that's the thing he just asked to get a lift in and home with me whenever I was coming/going never dictated the time.

doylerkelly

Hi Unwilling_chauffeur ,
I was in your shoes about 15 years ago , I was doing a course and we all got travel allowance which was I think £20 a week. A lady that lived around the corner from me was on the same course as me and asked me for a lift , and like your situation she'd often be late. I like a fool ended up calling to her house rather than sitting waiting at the end of my road, this turned into me collecting her from her door to dropping her home to her door. Never once did she offer petrol money , it was like it was expected of me cos I had a car. I drove into the garage once 'to get petrol' as a hint, but no she never offered me a cent. She wore me out when all I wanted to do was listen to the radio in my car and not be a chauffeur to anyone. I ended up being up straight with her, she got all defensive and turned it around on me and start bitching to everyone on the course about me and how mean I was that I left her to get 2 buses.

So my advise to you would be to nip it in the bud now before it goes any longer. My mistake was that I wasn't straight with her from the start. I think people have more respect for you when you are straight out with them. the longer you leave you the harder it will be to say anything. and don't be afraid if she falls out with you, you don't owe her anything. People like her are leeches, she is clearly walking all over you , stand up for yourself and don't let anyone make a mug of you. I know it's easier said than done when you are quiet person.

I look back now and feel so stupid that I allowed that woman to treat me like that. You live and learn.

Let us know how you get on.

BrokenWingz

I've also been an unwilling chauffeur to someone who was never ready on time. I'd be sitting outside her house for 15-20 minutes most days before she was ready to leave. It began in September and when the holidays came around I simply told her I couldn't give her a lift any more in the new year. It was pretty much the end of our friendship, but I have never regretted standing up for myself as I think she was only using me for free transport anyway.

jimmycrackcorm

Unwilling_chauffeur wrote:

I do need to be more assertive and tell her I'm not waiting 5 mins for her every day. And I'm not bringing her twice a day. As another poster said, I'm more inclined to give lifts when I'm not inconvenienced in any way whatsoever.

This is the way to handle it. There's nothing wrong with being assertive. You shuttle explain that you don't want the routine of always having to confirm times etc. If she's out on the road as you pass then you can stop to give a lift. But you're paying for a car for your own convenience.

If she offers to contribute costs then refuse as in the event of an accident it can become an insurance problem.

ted1

Personally I can't understand why people drive to work when it's only 5km.
It's a short walk/jog and an even shorter cycle.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

blairbear

ted1 wrote: »

Personally I can't understand why people drive to work when it's only 5km.
It's a short walk/jog and an even shorter cycle.

Not everyone wants to come into work sweaty after a run or jog. 5km is still an hours brisk walk. I walk about 80km per week and am a fast walker but that's how long it takes. And it isn't just a matter of jumping in the shower at work (if they even have one!) after a run if you wear make up and need to get ready afterwards.

Also 5km in the lashing rain on foot is no joke! This is off topic I know.

ted1

ted1 wrote: »

Personally I can't understand why people drive to work when it's only 5km.
It's a short walk/jog and an even shorter cycle.

I can't understand why someone would walk/jog/cycle to work when they can hop in the car and do it faster, easier, dryer etc etc etc.

zoobizoo

"Hey passenger....

Are you still interested in getting a lift into work from me every day?

Cool. If it's going to be a more permanent arrangement I'm going to take you up on the offer of petrol money. It's 50km a week so that works out at €x each.

Also, let's agree that you'll be at x Road at x time everyday so we don't need to be texting or unsure.

If you're not there by then I'll take it that you're walking or getting a ride from someone else.

I like to leave the office bang on x time. I'll be at my car at 5.30 and leaving then. If that time doesn't suit you in the evenings then we can cut the petrol payment in half.

How does that sound to you? "

dudara

@ted1 and all posters - please stay on topic

dudara

Mr Starman

@OP

Unbelievable, you must be made of money driving people around for free. Does she eat your lunch too? Hahaha, the naïve head on ya!

I rarely give lifts to anyone and certainly not strangers or people I work with, I can't afford financially to take that risk.

If you have a smash she'll take your insurance to town, that's a guarantee, she's certainly not a friend or family (people you could trust). You'll be paying a massive premium long after she's hit the road. You'd want to grow up, cop on and cut out those lifts whether she's willing to pay or not.

doylerkelly

Mr Starman wrote: »

@OP

If you have a smash she'll take your insurance to town, that's a guarantee, she's certainly not a friend or family (people you could trust). You'll be paying a massive premium long after she's hit the road.

I totally agree here, if you did have an accident with her in the car she would go to town on your insurance. Your premium would end up shooting through the roof and then you mightn't be able to afford to drive to work at all. you'd both be getting the bus together. it happened to my sister years go. Just be careful and keep that in mind;)

omagh776

TBH Honest OP it sounds like you are terrible at dealing with situations so the best bet is to probably just say it won't be possible to give a lift anymore and leave it at that.

Any arrangement you make you probably won't be able to stick to it on your side.