I am losing hope in any sustainable happiness

LegacyUser

I am 20, male.
I don't know if it's depression or circumstantial, my life is just a series of constant issues, it's just me alternating between them.

I don't like my college course, I have no desire to go back other than that I have no other positive alternatives and the only actual option is to go back home and I hate the thought of that.

I would be happier in a course that I don't like, that I distinctively remember my first year as the worst time of my life, between the intermittent black out drunk times, I was ****ing miserable. But I'd be happier there than at home.

Sometimes I get the train into the nearest city just so I am not at home.

I have a part time job, in a failing factory lifting and stacking hot heavy cartons of cream (14 litres at a time) onto pallets. It's just rapid fire and it's 8 - 12 hours day nonstop. They are severely undermanned because they cannot find people to work. No one will work there.
They have middled aged men who have been there for years operating machines but the jobs are in the heavy manual labour.

Between that being at home I feel like I would be better not getting out of bed most mornings.
I am just used for work at home, my parents are lovely people but I am starting to resent them and the life I live.

In the past 2 months or so me and my brother have;
+ Helped strip a kitchen.
+ Filled a skip.
+ Cleared out the back of our shed (Behind it, not inside, it was a dumping ground. Old fencing, dead grass cuttings, topsoil, swingsets, chickenwire, broken metal bars from a trampoline, rumble from the foundation of the oil tank and the sewerage tank) by hand.
+ I have removed 4 tree stumps,
+ Dug up and remodelled a rockery,
+ Replanted flower beds after laying down 90 square feet of bed matting..
+ Painted the shed, some of the rooms
+Got the garden back in order after digging up and replanting a sewerage tank. Replanted seeds, flattened out the topsoil, fixed broken curbing etc..

We don't get paid to do it, do I have the part time job, it's purely cosmetic. My mother is the one giving out the jobs. I was told to remove a tree using a damn hatchet. Luckily they had to get a digger in to take up the sewerage tank. My dad knew it was madness but he wouldn't go against her.

And if I refuse, I am told I will be cut off and kicked out. It's not extortion or anything of that nature it's not blackmail, it's just that I am told to do it or else a huge argument ensues about how lazy and ungrateful I am.

It's not that I am adverse to work despite what they might say. They see me as a lazy lay about, that I spend all day on my laptop (I paid for) that I just just suck every ounce of money they have. Despite the fact that I spent my buying and selling clothes online for a profit, I research into starting a clothing company, silversmithing.. I don't just watch stupid cat videos. But because they cannot see the work they don't see it as work.

I refused to go into work today namely because it's **** and I don't feel great, (a headache coupled with 8+ hours of machinery going where I can't hear anyone talk and no earmuffs is not a pleasant combination) they said about how much money they have spent on me over the years, all the hairs cuts everything, they paid me some one towards going out earlier in the week, now they want it back.
I offered to repay them the €40 or so (haircut included) and they went off again about how parents don't expect their children to repay them, I said how it sure does not feel like it.

I would rather have a job, I would rather have my own money not just saving it for going back to college.

I am miserable. When I was in school I could not wait to go to college, when i got to college I could not wait to go home when I got home I could not wait to be home.
I am starting to realise I am just miserable, that a guy in his 20's should not be up at night crying because he while he got to where he wanted he is miserable.

They brought me to see a therapist during Leaving Cert because they thought something was wrong with me that I completely lacked confidence, I can approach a girl and talk the pants off her but I can't talk in a group of friends, I am anxious about all the wrong things, I would rather go up and talk to the most beautiful girl in a bar, I have no fear, but f*ck me if I have to leave my room when people come over. So they think I have a problem, they probably know well why I stay up all night it's because it's the only time I have to myself, you can't paint a ****ing shed when you can't see it.

I realised I go home after a night out angry, no matter what, if I go home alone or otherwise.
I put my fist through the window (small one beside the door) of my accommodation on my final night after exams, it had been a good night, I was drunk and everyone was in a good mood, but I left miserable so I stuck my fist through a window, I think that shows how emotionally messed up I am.

But what can I do, I feel trapped.
Where do I go from here?
I can't drop out because then I will be at home with them.

zoobizoo

What do you not like about the course you are doing?

Why did you choose to do it?


On a practical short term level:
Buy yourself some ear plugs for work
Buy yourself a copy of The Feeling Good Handbook

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LegacyUser

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Long story short I went into the course because I was told to go to college, I liked Business in school so I did a business degree.
I like one section of it but I hate the vast majority of the course.

There is no course that interests me, I do have interests in a couple of them but I need to look into the course content.

I would like to work (part time) in retail, Brown Thomas, JD Sports, a mens clothing store..

I did not have the money to, I wanted to go home, but when I got there I was just given work to do.. it was what built up throughout the year and was left for me to do..
I did not travel because I did not have the money, I posted somewhere about wanting to get out and go somewhere, to do something. I just couldn't this summer, I am arranging to work in a summer camp in America next year.
I am also just back from handing out CV's in the city where I'm in a college, I'm also looking at taking a course to train as a barista because it seems like something I'd like + I like coffee..

I don't have a problem contributing at home, I hate that no matter what work I do it's always downplayed, it took a week to clear out the shed my mother said it took a couple of hours, they say I am lazy, that I do nothing to contribute that I have no ambitions, no desire to do anything that I am everything negative in the house..
I'm not saying its unreasonable, I expect to do something but they do the work just because it's free labour which is fair but there is a lot of it, my aunties and uncles have said how it's excessive..

The therapist (he worked at my school he was friendly enough with me and my parents before) he said talked about his nephew who is a very successful neurosurgeon, and how he did not apply himself at first but got first class honours when he did apply himself and how he's successful and loves what he does despite the hours.. all because I mentioned my interest in studying medicine.

I just want to be happy, or at least happier than I am just so I can genuinely feel like I am content. I have not been able to say that in quite awhile.

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