No Contact

LegacyUser

After trying my best to have a normal/healthy relationship, I have decided I have to go no contact with my inlaws. My husband will still be in touch so they can see our daughters. They have for many years treated me with passive aggressive and underhanded bullying, subtle enough to go unnoticed by my husband so if I bring it up I'm made to look insane. It escalated wildly when my daughters were born. I love my husband but his family are crazy. Does anyone have experience of how this would work around Christmas etc? I am no longer able to deal with the dysfunction and unfortunately my husband is now going to have to handle it on his own (though they make a point of being extra nice to him, I think they know he is borderline indifferent to them). Has anyone experience of this? This has taken a toll on my marriage, and I want to take our life back.Thank you.

EmmaH1997

Hi OP I don't know if you are already aware that there are a lot of videos about going no contact and advice and other people's experience going no contact with family members on youtube. If not, you should def check them out, they would be a great resource for you.

Aside from that I don't know what to tell you especially when you don't give an example of the underhanded bullying you're talking about.You say your husband is indifferent but yet you look insane when you bring up the bullying. Is he supportive of them or you? Or does he say nothing just to keep a quiet life? I think you could get your husband to bring the kids up to the in laws around xmas time and you could say you're at work/busy etc and just avoid them completely. Do whats best for your own sanity and keep away. Good luck with going no contact xx

Big Bag of Chips

Why would Christmas be an issue? Whether or not your husband sees what you see is irrelevant. But if you are deciding to cut his family out, you have to speak to him about it. Have you? He can still have a relationship with them, separate to you. He can bring your children to see them without you. He will however have to respect your wish to not have them in your house. So if he wants to see them he goes to them. You don't have to see them at Christmas. You do Christmas at home with just yourselves and if he wants the children to see his family, he brings them later.

If they notice you are cutting them out, they might up the ante to try figure out what's going on. They might suddenly start turning up for unexpected visits. That is why you need your husband to support you in your wish to not see them. He doesn't have to agree with you. He doesn't have to cut them out of his life, but he does have to respect that you will not have them in your home.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I will have a look online for videos etc. any guidance is appreciated. The bullying is mostly about not respecting our space, personal time, boundaries, constant passive aggressive comments when I am with them mainly when I am alone, gossip,intimidating and belittling but always covert behaviour. this goes on and on and on, never relents and has worn me down. I am afraid of the consequences of going no contact, I think they will try and intimidate and bully me and yes call unannounced to the house. I use to be a strong woman who nobody would have crossed but the past few years of dealing with them and chipped away at all of my self worth, now I come across as vulnerable and unsure of myself, and its like a red flag to a bull for them, I wish my children were getting the past version,who I used to be but I think you are right in what you say, it doesnt matter if my husband sees them so long as he respects my wishes not to. I am very nervous but it has to be done.

Steviesol

Yea we did it with the in laws. But we were both in agreement , blocked numbers, 100% no contact. Kids never saw them. Lasted 18 months, gave them another chance and they have changed for the better. Some call their behaviour narcissist , I agree. Was defo a good move.

Best of luck. You are very strong.

LegacyUser

Thanks Steviesol, I dont feel one bit strong but thank you for saying that. I am on my own in this and I worry they will enjoy trying to rise me or get a reaction, which I generally dont do but its hard as I am worn out. I know my husband can see my perspective but he will never go no contact himself. I am interested and glad to hear that things worked out for you, I was led to believe narcissistic behaviour cant be corrected but maybe in some, good to know.

LegacyUser

One more question, did you inform them of no contact or just do it? Im not sure which to do.

groovyg

privateforthis wrote: »

One more question, did you inform them of no contact or just do it? Im not sure which to do.

Why would you bother telling them? Seriously if you tell them you are cutting contact its likely they will use it to piss you off even more.
If you want to cut them out of your life, do it just avoid them at all costs and tell your husband that you want nothing more to do with them.

EmmaH1997

I wouldn't bother telling them that you are going no contact. They don't deserve an explanation and even if you did tell them, they wouldn't respect your choice and would just bother you more.

judeboy101

Privateforthis wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I will have a look online for videos etc. any guidance is appreciated. The bullying is mostly about not respecting our space, personal time, boundaries, constant passive aggressive comments when I am with them mainly when I am alone, gossip,intimidating and belittling but always covert behaviour. this goes on and on and on, never relents and has worn me down. I am afraid of the consequences of going no contact, I think they will try and intimidate and bully me and yes call unannounced to the house. I use to be a strong woman who nobody would have crossed but the past few years of dealing with them and chipped away at all of my self worth, now I come across as vulnerable and unsure of myself, and its like a red flag to a bull for them, I wish my children were getting the past version,who I used to be but I think you are right in what you say, it doesnt matter if my husband sees them so long as he respects my wishes not to. I am very nervous but it has to be done.

The voice recorder app on your phone might help enlighten you OH

LegacyUser

Hi do you mean to record whats said to me? I hadn't thought of that. The reason I was thinking of stating my intention of no contact is because they insist on contacting me, and not my husband, about things they want (ie time with our daughters every single weekend despite the fact that my father, a reasonable man, is alone and needs my support at times,) My husband has asked them to stop but they wont listen. By contacting me it means when they dont get what they want they can turn on me and blame me specifically without risking their relationship with my husband. So if I go no contact there will be a period where they are texting me anyhow and not getting a reply.

judeboy101

Privateforthis wrote: »

Hi do you mean to record whats said to me? I hadn't thought of that. The reason I was thinking of stating my intention of no contact is because they insist on contacting me, and not my husband, about things they want (ie time with our daughters every single weekend despite the fact that my father, a reasonable man, is alone and needs my support at times,) My husband has asked them to stop but they wont listen. By contacting me it means when they dont get what they want they can turn on me and blame me specifically without risking their relationship with my husband. So if I go no contact there will be a period where they are texting me anyhow and not getting a reply.

Insist they deal with your OH. I just meant if your OH doesn't believe you when they acting the bollox with ya .

Big Bag of Chips

Whatever way you'll do it, they'll give out! So just do what suits you. Instead of them contacting you all the time, ask your husband to preempt it by contacting them first and offering to visit with the children. If they ring, let the call be a missed call, and get your husband to ring them back later. If you get a text, tell your husband and ask him to text them back.

You don't have to be at their beckon call. Maybe they think your husband is "too busy" and that's why they contact you. Maybe they don't understand that you are also busy. My husband is the only one of his family who visits his parents regular. The others wait for them to go to them. He still gets 'hello, stranger' phone calls. I get calls, texts asking how we are because they haven't heard from us in ages! We just let it wash over us. It's the way they are, and the way they communicate.

Let your husband deal with them. But tell him every time they contact you. And tell him to contact them back or they'll think you didn't pass on the message. Men sometimes can have a tendency to sit back and let the women do the organising! If you hand the responsibility to your husband you should feel more relieved. It might take a bit of coaching though to get him, and them, into the habit of cutting out the middleman/woman!

Tiddlypeeps

Privateforthis wrote: »

Hi do you mean to record whats said to me? I hadn't thought of that. The reason I was thinking of stating my intention of no contact is because they insist on contacting me, and not my husband, about things they want (ie time with our daughters every single weekend despite the fact that my father, a reasonable man, is alone and needs my support at times,) My husband has asked them to stop but they wont listen. By contacting me it means when they dont get what they want they can turn on me and blame me specifically without risking their relationship with my husband. So if I go no contact there will be a period where they are texting me anyhow and not getting a reply.

Just block their numbers, they'll figure it out quick enough and contact your OH instead. The rest is on your OH, if he wants to tell them about the no contact thing then fine, if he doesn't then also fine as long as he doesn't bring them to the house.

nikkibikki

Privateforthis wrote:

I use to be a strong woman who nobody would have crossed but the past few years of dealing with them and chipped away at all of my self worth, now I come across as vulnerable and unsure of myself, and its like a red flag to a bull for them, I wish my children were getting the past version,who I used to be but I think you are right in what you say, it doesnt matter if my husband sees them so long as he respects my wishes not to. I am very nervous but it has to be done.

One thing jumped out at me here, maybe it's just my own experiences projecting onto your situation and I'm completely wrong but bear with me.

Are you sure your lowering of confidence etc is purely to to with their treatment of you or is it also to do with the fact your husband isn't standing up for you and allowing this treatment of you to continue?

His inaction because he never hears it is either saying he doesn't believe you or that he's ok with it.

And one more thing. Are you not worried they will treat your children the same way?