Alternative Father duties, or should I just get over myself.

SozBbz

Myself and himself are talking about getting married next year and we want to keep it small, simple and very us. There are a lot of wedding traditions that I think would feel very forced for us and for that reason, we're just not doing them (ie, first dance).

The only one that I'm struggling with is the whole father walking daughter down the isle thing. We're agreed on a civil ceremony firstly so theres not going to be much of an isle anyway, but I'm not fully gone on the whole idea of being given away - it just harks back to a time when women were property and I don't really like it. Also, we were at a wedding in Poland previously and the tradition there is for the Bride and Groom to meet just outside and walk in together - I loved this and thought it would be a much better fit for us.

My only reservation is not wanting to hurt my dads feelings. We're not a sentimental family so its not like he's ever even mentioned it, but I am his only daughter so if I don't do it, then thats it. I know if I ask him, he'll only tell me to do exactly what I want, but I'm worried that I might hurt his feelings even if he'd never tell me.

Are there alternative ways to involve him that people have done and have worked well? I'd feel better about proposing out walking in together plan if I'd other ideas. I'd also maybe like to involve my parents together in some way, rather than just my dad on his own.

Foweva Awone

Why not have both sets of parents walk in together up the aisle and then you two afterwards? I think that's what my brother did at his wedding, and then afterwards her dad walked out with our mum and vice versa, cheesey but cute!

Theirs was a very non-traditional ceremony, they did a "ring-warming" and while that was going on, friends or family members had been invited in advance to say a few words if they wanted. One mother said a poem she'd written herself, the other mother read a poem she found on the Internet, one father read a nice short quote/blessing thing. Other family members sang songs etc. It was all very lovely.

GingerLily

Talk to your dad, I'm sure he'd understand. Will he be giving a speech?

I'm getting married in an unusual venue and I'll walk halfway myself and then my partner will walk with me the rest of the way, feels right for us

SozBbz

GingerLily wrote: »

Talk to your dad, I'm sure he'd understand. Will he be giving a speech?

I'm getting married in an unusual venue and I'll walk halfway myself and then my partner will walk with me the rest of the way, feels right for us

Knowing my Dad, he'll say its fine whether its fine or not :rolleyes:

He's very welcome to give a speech but he's not a big public speaker so I'd say he'll keep it brief. I want all the speeches brief anyway, so that is not a problem!

I think part of my probelm is that I want either a registry office or maybe a slghtly fancier version (doing it in City Hall is an option) but I've never been to a ceremony like that so I don't know what to expect.

We decided against going down even the humanist route as all the spiritual stuff/meaningful stuff like ring warming, candle lighting, sandpouring etc again fell in that bracket of "just not us"

Atomic Pineapple

SozBbz wrote: »

We decided against going down even the humanist route as all the spiritual stuff/meaningful stuff like ring warming, candle lighting, sandpouring etc again fell in that bracket of "just not us"

There are no spiritual elements to a humanist ceremony and it can contain as much or as little as you want (As long as it is secular), what is important is if Humanism itself is what you prescribe to as a person and that should dictate whether a humanist ceremony is right for you or not.

I would say have a chat with your dad, if you think he'll say whatever you want is fine but secretly want to walk you down the aisle then just make sure to sit down with him alone and have a proper uninterrupted chat about it and let him know you want his true thoughts on it rather than just what he thinks you want to hear.

GingerLily

SozBbz wrote: »

We decided against going down even the humanist route as all the spiritual stuff/meaningful stuff like ring warming, candle lighting, sandpouring etc again fell in that bracket of "just not us"

I totally think a civil ceremony is a great idea for you, but I don't think you got it right about humanist at all. Humanist should not be spiritual, and you can literally write your own ceremony doing whatever you want, using whatever themes you want to include.

We're doing a hand fastening because I really liked the "Blessing of the hands" poem our celebrant sent us, but all that stuff is optional!

Jbubs

When we were planning on getting married in had very similar thoughts to you. I'm not into all the traditional things just cause they are traditional. Didn't want to be given away, was planning on a 1st look with us and the kids and a photographer (wasn't telling other half about this cause wanted the photographer to catch the reactions) just doing short speeches ourselves, no traditional first dance, no top table so bridesmaids get to sit with their partners and that. A sweethearts table for us and the kids.

baby and crumble

When I told my Dad he wasn't walking me down the aisle he literally said "oh thank god!" under his breath. So you never know what way he'll take it!

SarahS2013

I am literally in the same boat.

I think it's so out-dated but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

We're doing a City Hall wedding. Would have done civil except you can only have humanist on Saturdays.....so we're doing humanist. we met our celebrant and you can literally do as much or as little of the "hippy" stuff as you want.
We're the same, the thoughts of ring warming, hand ribbons and sand pouring is all a bit "Kumbaya" for us.
We'll be doing the minimum legal requirements (Saying that you take the other person as your husband/wife) and none of the other stuff.

kunst nugget

I know it traditionally comes from the notion of women as property but traditions change and take on different meanings. Personally, I always think it's nice to see the father walk the bride down the aisle. When they have a good relationship, it can be a very tender moment. I'd like to do it for my own children and would be brilliant to have that bit of one on one time with my daughter just before the event kicks off but I'd respect their wishes if they didn't want me to (being honest, I would be disappointed but I'd not make an issue of it). I'd hate to think they weren't doing it because there might be a notion that they are being viewed as property to be given over to someone else.

SozBbz

To be fair, I have a great relationship with my dad (and my mam) so it's no reflection on that - so just want to get married with a little fuss as possible and also do something that feels authentic to both of us - and being 'given away' just doesn't sit right with who I am.

I used the wrong word when I said spiritual for humanist - I was just trying not to offend people who are into all of those rituals because to me they feel contrived, like something that's been thought up to fill a gap where the religious stuff was in traditional church ceremonies. To be clear, I dont want to slag them off, but they're just not us.

So I suppose I don't see the point of going to the trouble of getting a humanist celebrant and then asking them to do the bare legal minimum! I'm not adverse to a Friday wedding so I think civil will suit us. And if we pluck to go for city hall , then we get to have a lovely setting too. Just have to work out the logistics! Of everything else first and see if we can make it work!

rellorrac

I'm in a similar(ish) situation. I always assumed my father would walk me down the aisle, probably more for him than me but I am marrying another woman whose father is no longer with us so its trying to figure out how we both enter the ceremony but yeah, would like my father involved in some capacity but with being sensitive to my partner but I can't figure out how to do all those things?

Thoie

Just a notion, and it may be excessive, but you could include all 4 parents by having them walk in first, wait for the 2 of you at the top, have a big group hug (or handshake) type thing of a "the families are mingling" kind, then they all sit down and just leave the 2 of you with the officiant.

That way there's no-one being "given away", but all the parents get to walk their babies down the aisle.

freshpopcorn

To be honest if your parents are fine with the whole none traditional wedding thing. The given you away thing shouldn't be an issue either.

Avatar MIA

Elope to Vegas.

IF you think your dad would be proud to walk you down the aisle, don't let the origins of the tradition (was that really it, never thought of it that way) get in the way of what can be a big deal to a dad.

If walking his daughter down the aisle isn't something that'd be of interest him, then fine.

You could ask someone else to suss him out, while he may not be truthful to you, he'd most likely tell someone else the truth if asked casually, 'What do you think of walking Mildred up the aisle, it's only a month away?'

SozBbz

SozBbz wrote: »

we were at a wedding in Poland previously and the tradition there is for the Bride and Groom to meet just outside and walk in together - I loved this and thought it would be a much better fit for us.

My only reservation is not wanting to hurt my dads feelings.

"Hey Dad, remember I was at that wedding in Poland? Well, the bride and groom met outside, kissed and walked into the ceremony together. What do you think of that?"

Spanish Eyes

My beloved Dad is dead. What I would give for him to be with us again.

Because of that, my sister (last to be married after he died), walked into the ceremony room, met her husband to be at the back, and they both walked up the tiny aisle. Was lovely but I cried buckets!

Vojera

rellorrac wrote: »

I'm in a similar(ish) situation. I always assumed my father would walk me down the aisle, probably more for him than me but I am marrying another woman whose father is no longer with us so its trying to figure out how we both enter the ceremony but yeah, would like my father involved in some capacity but with being sensitive to my partner but I can't figure out how to do all those things?

The tradition is actually "head of your household", rather than your father. It's just that people usually see your father as being that person.

When my wife and I got married, my own father and both her parents had passed away.
My mother walked up the aisle with me - she's the only person I ever considered asking. And my wife's uncle - who has really taken her under his wing since her parents passed - walked up the aisle with her.

So you don't need to leave your father out if you don't want to. Someone else can walk with your wife-to-be if she has a another person she would like to support her.

This Fat Girl Runs

You could ask your dad to be a witness and have him sign the registry.

listermint

Have you ever been to a humanist ceremony op?

You may have built up notions of what they are like tbh I don't think they are accurate.

If you are close to your dad and his only daughter I think I personally would be saddened if she didn't want me to walk her down the aisle. It's not an ownership thing it's quite a nice moment and I do think you would miss out on that.

Colser

You could just travel to the venue with your dad and link arms with him from the car to the entrance,meet your OH there and walk up the aisle together.

listermint

Colser wrote: »

You could just travel to the venue with your dad and link arms with him from the car to the entrance,meet your OH there and walk up the aisle together.

nice idea!

missmatty

It wasn't something I was mad keen on to begin with but I did it as I am an only daughter, first in the family to get married and my mother has passed away. I think it meant a lot to my dad and I don't regret it.