Clueless About Engagement

ErkoRo

Hello!
I'm hoping someone can give me a little advice about getting engaged. We can't talk to our friends and family really without spoiling the surprise of it, or letting the cat out of the bag, so not sure where to start!

My partner and I are together 6 years now (I'm 30, he's 32). We've been asked the question quite a few times about when the ring was coming but I don't think anyone seriously expected it to happen - we were skint for the past few years, so unless it came from a lucky bag...  He's been honest in that I think he'd propose in the morning but I wasn't quite ready and was waiting for everything to be perfect, that we had a bit of money saved, that we'd only get engaged if we were actually going to get married within the year or so, that the magical proposal would happen down at my family home in the west of Ireland. Loads of excuses!

We're living in Australia the past year together, and plan to be out here for another 18 months. Engagement was on the back burner until we got home, the focus was on saving up some money here and moving home. I also hated the idea of getting engaged out here and being so far from my friends and family to celebrate with, thought it would make us very lonely & homesick.

But.... while it was never ever important to me to get engaged before, something has shifted a little recently. We're just in a little love bubble, and we just want to be engaged - something has just clicked in the last little while and I want to take that next step.

So, how do we go about this? We decided to head home for a visit at Christmas this year. I think in the back of both of our minds, we're probably thinking that one of the reasons we decided to go home is the potential engagement. He wants to propose in Ireland, down the west where I'm from, and I would LOVE that too. 
The only issue is - how does ring buying work? We could pick & buy a ring out here in Australia and wait for him to propose at home, but something puts me off about buying here. 
A) Everything is so much more money here 
We've nobody we can trust to explain about ring buying and 
C) I feel uncomfortable about buying a ring on the other side of the world, when we're moving home in less than 2 years. What if there's a problem with the ring? What maintenance does it need over the years?

If we wait to buy at home, how does that work also? We fly in on the 20th of December, and have to be down west for the 22nd because that's when my sisters are home for Xmas, and only for a few days. Is this a completely unrealistic turnaround? I know that Xmas is a crazy time for jewellers with engagements. Do you go into a jewellers, pick the ring you want and they have it in every size there and then, or is it something to be ordered (I have massive fingers!!). This might put just too much pressure on us to find the 'perfect' ring while jetlagged and having family wonder why we're disappearing shopping when we've just hopped off the plane. Ha!

Sorry, I know that's a LOT of questions, just haven't a clue where to start!!

jellybear

Awh what a lovely time for you both! My only piece of advice is that I have larger fingers too and most places don't have larger sizes to try on so you do have to be able to visualise a bit. My ring took about 3 days to order in. My now husband's wedding ring though was in his size in the jewellers so he got to take it home the same day as he picked it. I know that's not much help but sizing would be a concern for me.

A lot of people don't like this option but he could use a 'token ring' for the proposal and then you could choose a ring at a later time.

ErkoRo

Thanks so much Jellybear. Even just saying it out loud has helped me get a little bit of clarity I hope! I think that putting the pressure on to get the ring in the 2 days we're home, plus a proposal, so we can announce it at Christmas seems like a sure fire way to ruin the magic.

So either we go home a little bit earlier (not sure this is an option), or I think we go the token ring route perhaps. Only issue is that we're flying out just after new years so may be still leaving ourselves tight to find the bloody ring before we head back to Oz. 

Would be interested to hear from anyone who's bought a ring from abroad if there really is any benefit to buying at home instead or if I've just made it all up into a big issue in my own head!

Axwell

In terms of info on engagement rings everything revolves around the 4 C's - cut, clarity, carat and colour. Go read up online about those and what they mean as it will be a reference on any website you look at.

Pretty much everything also revolves around the diamond. The ring itself you pick the metal and its a certain size but after that its the setting and the diamond. The setting being the shape of the area the diamond sits in - pear, halo etc.

I recently went through the whole engagement ring purchasing experience - my fiance lives in America and was coming over for 2 weeks holidays and i wanted us to get engaged when she was over so I had to plan everything beforehand and look into all this and get up to speed.

If you want something specific then you aren't going to walk in on the 20th and have something on the 22nd. Most jewelers that I contacted needed somewhere between 7-10 weeks to put together the ring. They will give you a selection of diamonds they have (based on the 4 c's) and you pick one you want in the setting you like. They then either have to get the diamond imported from abroad or they have it in store. A lot of them go to Antwerp and buy diamonds each week or two so they always have new stock in. Also they may know the spec of the diamonds but only import as sold which is why it may need to be imported as I mentioned. From there the ring may have to be cast if they don't have one to size, the diamond will need to be set in the ring and then it needs to be polished etc. Each of these steps means sending the ring off somewhere for it to be done as most jewelers don't do this work. So it takes a day or two to arrive somewhere, the work is done and then another day or two to send it back, so the days add up pretty quickly.

I was in a bit of a fix for time and one of the jeweler was able to do the ring i wanted in 4-5 weeks which I needed and also it worked out way cheaper than a lot of the other options, mainly due to them using Dublin companies for all the various bits that needed done so they didn't have to send it off for days and could keep costs down.

I contacted them and told them what design I was looking for - what sort of diamond and they came back to me with a few options of the diamond and showed me photos of 2 rings that fitted the spec I wanted.

I picked which ring and which diamond and paid a deposit and they went to work. I checked in over email every week and the first time I saw the ring was when I went in to pay the rest and collect it. It turned out perfect and herself was thrilled with it and she has gotten compliments pretty much non stop since.

So I would suggest first get up to speed on the terminology of the 4 c's - that is the language you need to speak in terms of what you want.
Give yourself time to order it and get what you want - its not a quick job.
For sizing you can go to any jewelers and get measured - you can do it in Australia and still order it here etc. If you are worried about the size go up a 1/2 size - its easy to go down then afterwards.
Look at some of online websites which have different ring builders so you can see the different styles and shapes etc - ignore the prices of them online but just use it to see the different settings, metals and how they look together till you find something you like. Ones like James Allen have these builders where you can pick and choose - its helps to visualise the different ring types.

If you want the name of the place I used just drop me a pm and I will happily pass on their details and the guy I dealt with - they are based in Dublin.

eurokev

Yea definitely a token ring. Myself and a lot of my buddies proposed with a token ring.
I think this is the best idea because men do not have a clue.
After the proposal we then went and picked out a ring she actually liked rather than me wasting a lot of money on something she didn't like that would be on her finger for the rest of her life.
This solution should work for ye, so just get a cheap token over there in aus and pick out what you like when you're home.
Best of luck with everything, I'm currently quiet close to you being on my honeymoon in Bali, having tied the knot a few weeks ago!!

Mellor

Is pretty much the norm these days to propose with a token ring and bride to be picks/designs/shops for her ring after they get engaged?
I wouldn't dream of spending lots of money on a ring my partner might not like, but on the other hand, I think pre-arranging all the details including the ring before popping the question would take a lot of the surprise/excitement/nerves out of it.

No reason you partner couldn't go down that route. Plenty of cheap jewelers in Australia and there's not a lot of importance with a token ring.

GingerLily

Do you really need a staged proposal?

Would it not be better to just announce you're engaged when you get home?

Edit: on your other issue with buying rings in Australia Vs Ireland, are prices really that different? I don't see it being any issue to buy the ring in Australia just because you're leaving in two years, it shouldn't make any difference at all?

LynnGrace

I have nothing much to add to Axwell's excellent advice above.
If it's possible to sort sizing, style etc with the jewellers that Axwell mentioned, maybe it would be possible to pick up the ring when you fly in to Dublin, before heading West?

If this is not feasible, I would say go the token ring route. Someone I worked with did that because the proposal happened at Christmas, and her now husband bought a lovely ring for the proposal. They got the 'real thing' afterwards, but she said the token ring was going to be always very special to her too.

All the best, it's a lovely time, and great to celebrate with family and friends.

zoobizoo

I proposed to my now wife without a ring.....

eviltwin

If you've both talked about marriage and both want to get engaged do you even need a proposal?

If it is then you can forego the ring altogether or go with the token option.

ErkoRo

Thanks so much for all the replies folks. I think I've managed to calm down and chill my beans a bit! It was getting stressful and that was just thinking about it.
Flights are booked now to head home for Xmas. I'm not going to add extra stress to the whole thing trying to factor in when we could or couldn't get to a jewellers, or when we could schedule in the proposal....it was getting a bit rigid. I guess the real point of being at home for Xmas is to see our families and enjoy that. So engagement on the backburner, if it happens, it happens, it shouldn't be a military operation. I'd imagine it'll be with a token ring if it does...flights home at Christmas really aren't cheap!

Plankton1

Not sure where in Oz you are but my ring was bought in GS Diamonds in the QVB in Sydney. My other half found them very helpful and trustworthy and while yes, the ring does cost more in Oz than at home, there's no issue with getting it cleaned or resized from a jeweller here. And in fact, seeing as we have since moved home, I like how my ring is a little piece of our time in Sydney to wear every day.
Good luck!

Electric Sheep

GingerLily wrote: »

Do you really need a staged proposal?

Would it not be better to just announce you're engaged when you get home?

Edit: on your other issue with buying rings in Australia Vs Ireland, are prices really that different? I don't see it being any issue to buy the ring in Australia just because you're leaving in two years, it shouldn't make any difference at all?

A ring does not mean you are engaged. An announcement does not mean you are engaged. If you've decided to get married you are already engaged.

spottybananas

Exactly what ElectricSheep said!

GingerLily

Electric Sheep wrote: »

A ring does not mean you are engaged. An announcement does not mean you are engaged. If you've decided to get married you are already engaged.

To be fair, that is kind of the point I was making!

Cake Man

Sorry lads, I don't mean to hijack the thread but have some similar questions along the lines of OP and not going to make a new thread.
I too want to propose to the gf soon enough and from the responses here it seems a token ring is the way to go. It's hardly a secret I'm going to propose to her anyway as we've been talking about it and have gone looking at rings already. Could anyone tell me approx. how much a token ring would be? Do normal jewellery stores do these or jewellers that specialise in rings? Is it normal to just try pick a ring that'll be similar to the main ring? Sorry I'm another clueless one about all of this!


Also in terms of asking her father beforehand, would this be done before proposing with the token ring?
We have an event coming up the end of Sept that I'd ideally like to have the main ring for so I want to get a move on if making up a ring takes a few weeks.

Plankton1 wrote: »

Not sure where in Oz you are but my ring was bought in GS Diamonds in the QVB in Sydney. My other half found them very helpful and trustworthy and while yes, the ring does cost more in Oz than at home, there's no issue with getting it cleaned or resized from a jeweller here. And in fact, seeing as we have since moved home, I like how my ring is a little piece of our time in Sydney to wear every day.
Good luck!

Hi Plankton1, that's hilarious I was only in there the other week myself with the gf looking at rings! Agree they are helpful and we'll most likely get a ring there.

Electric Sheep

Cake Man wrote: »

Sorry lads, I don't mean to hijack the thread but have some similar questions along the lines of OP and not going to make a new thread.
I too want to propose to the gf soon enough and from the responses here it seems a token ring is the way to go. It's hardly a secret I'm going to propose to her anyway as we've been talking about it and have gone looking at rings already. Could anyone tell me approx. how much a token ring would be? Do normal jewellery stores do these or jewellers that specialise in rings? Is it normal to just try pick a ring that'll be similar to the main ring? Sorry I'm another clueless one about all of this!


Also in terms of asking her father beforehand, would this be done before proposing with the token ring?
We have an event coming up the end of Sept that I'd ideally like to have the main ring for so I want to get a move on if making up a ring takes a few weeks.



Hi Plankton1, that's hilarious I was only in there the other week myself with the gf looking at rings! Agree they are helpful and we'll most likely get a ring there.

What will you do if her father says No?

Mellor

Cake Man wrote: »

Could anyone tell me approx. how much a token ring would be? Do normal jewellery stores do these or jewellers that specialise in rings? Is it normal to just try pick a ring that'll be similar to the main ring? Sorry I'm another clueless one about all of this!

Spend what ever you want. Could be an actual ring worth a few hundred, or costume jewellery ring. Some might even pay full whack for an engagement ring, and then replace it with another of hers it's choosing. It really depends on your GF's personality tbh.

Also in terms of asking her father beforehand, would this be done before proposing with the token ring?

If you are going to ask her father. Ask before you propose. Asking after is odd, better to not ask at all imo.

Cake Man

Electric Sheep wrote: »

What will you do if her father says No?

Ah well in that case I won't need to stress about anything else and a few grand saved to boot!

Cake Man

Mellor wrote: »

Spend what ever you want. Could be an actual ring worth a few hundred, or costume jewellery ring. Some might even pay full whack for an engagement ring, and then replace it with another of hers it's choosing. It really depends on your GF's personality tbh.

If you are going to ask her father. Ask before you propose. Asking after is odd, better to not ask at all imo.

Cheers Mellor. Would it be strange to just pick one out for now but maybe agree with the jewellery store that one would be made up? I guess it would depend on what the store would allow/offer. I'm mostly sure what she wants but she is fussy so I'm happy to just have something for a proposal, then sort the main ring later.
If I had a choice about it I probably wouldn't ask the father as I get the impression it's a old fashioned and maybe outdated practice but she'd like me to do it and I wouldn't mind anyway.

noveltea

my now husband proposed to me with a token ring. It cost like a dollar but I loved it. I think it's more the gesture than the ring itself for the proposal.

My friend was propose to with one of them gummy rings that you can eat.

wuffly

Every one is different, do what you want to do and what your GF would like, you've discussed it and you know her so you probably have a a fair idea.  
We live abroad, my OH bought the ring here, not too worried about that sort of thing, its certified if anything does go wrong with it they won't do that much. It's insured. I wasn't expecting the proposal when it happened but we had discussed getting married. Re rings he choose it, I love it because he picked it and its my type of ring, a token ring and ring shopping wouldn't be my thing at all but I know a few people that would prefer that, I think of my married friends about 20% got token rings. 
My OH asked my Dad about 2 months before he actually proposed (he did it face to face when he was at home for a work trip), I adore my dad I'm his only daughter for me it was a lovely thing to do and very special for my dad too. Although waiting 2 months before telling anyone including my mam killed him! Its not for everyone and I know my younger self wouldn't have liked it, getting a bit older and being away had made me a bit more family orientated.  He proposed on our next trip home, took me somewhere special when we landed, it was lovely and then on to tell our families. 
Best of luck however you go about it.

jellybear

In relation to the token ring I would not be spending mad money on it! Honestly something from debenhams or Claire's accessories would be what I was thinking!!
My husband proposed with this 'me to you' figurine that had a little balloon saying 'will you marry me? ' on it as he knew I wanted to choose my own ring and it's also personal to us as I collect those figurines.
If you've any personal way of doing it that doesn't include a ring, like my engagement, it's still equally as romantic and thoughtful!

scarepanda

My oh didn't have a token of any sort! But he popped the question randomly on diamond hill in Connemara... So as he likes to point out he didn't have a diamond ring but gave me a diamond hill instead!

Tbh I didn't want a token ring, but would always have said that I'd have liked him to have 'the' ring. In the end it didn't really matter, ring, no ring, it was still a very random, but special moment for both of us! The poor guy was terrified asking even though he knew the answer!!!

baby and crumble

I proposed with the engagement ring charm from Thomas Sabo, because herself has VERY particular taste in jewellery. In the end though, she has her grandmothers ring, which is lovely and a family heirloom so it's perfect. I think if you can do something like that (ie propose with something LIKE a ring but not a ring) then both can be kept and worn. As in, if you propose with a token ring, what happens to it afterwards? Seems a bit wasteful.

Loveinapril

I am really not into the token ring idea. Maybe a necklace or bracelet so that she can have it forever. Or a funny novelty ring.
When the box is opened as you pop the question, you will have to say "oh its not the real ring" and then when people look at your girlfriend's hand after you announce your engagement, she will have to say "this isn't the real ring" every time. Could you propose on the morning and immediately go shopping or something?

Wellyd

Got proposed to at Easter with a token ring and I really appreciated it! We got engaged in America and he proposed after a week of a 3 week trip so we had plenty of time to get the ring before I headed home! The day we went ring shopping was 2 days after we got engaged because we had gone to a really remote cabin in a lake to just enjoy being engaged and spend some time together with crappy phone signal. It was absolute heaven! He couldn't have planned it better if he tried. And even though it was a bit elaborate I didn't even expect it! Even after he told me we were going to have the best weekend ever about a million times, he asked me repeatedly did I want to paint my nails before we went and when we were heading off for a walk he told me I didn't need gloves even though it was snowing!

Sorry I went off on a tangent there but back to the token ring my main piece of advice is don't get an absolutely huge sparkly ring unless the real ring is going to be as big and sparkly. My token ring was a pandora ring that I now wear on my right ring finger. But it's nothing in comparison to my engagement ring.

The 4 hour journey back to the city to go ring shopping was horrific. I was so nervous and was terrified I wouldn't find something for my fat fingers! But I think I picked it in less than half an hour my fiancé was so surprised. I narrowed it down to two and I asked what he thought and he said that if he was on his own he would've picked the one I knew I preferred, so really we picked it together! It had to be sized to fit my fat finger but I had it in 5 days.

El Weirdo

Cake Man wrote: »

Also in terms of asking her father beforehand, would this be done before proposing with the token ring?

Before.

Preferably sometime in the 1950s.

Little Miss Cutie

We got engaged a couple of weeks ago, my OH proposed with a token ring. It is really pretty and I will definitely wear it in the future. It's 9ct gold so is a throw away item.

I had a really clear idea of what I would like for a ring and when it came to it, it didn't suit me at all. I have heard so many people say it but I was still so surprised when I picked something totally different

As for asking the Father, my OH asked my Dad he knew that it meant something to me. He asked on the Wednesday and we got engaged on the Friday.