Give my 'dad' a chance?

givedadachance

I'll get to the point,I am trying very hard to give my biological father a second chance. I have been working through it over the last number of years. But now it feels like there is a time limit, he has cancer and it doesn't look good.

Right so bit of background, my parents supposedly had me 'young' my mother was 22 and father was 27 - not young! So they handed me to my grandparents to raise. I'm nearly 30 now. I've always know they were my grandparents but they always treated me like their own, and I always thought of them as my parents.

My bio mam was always in the picture, she didn't live in Ireland most of my life but came home for Christmas/ birthdays. I was very bitter towards her for a long time. But in the last few year we have developed a good relationship, but this literally took me 20 years! My bio dad on the other hand left and never looked back.

He contacted me a few years ago and we are in sporadic contact. I have visited him twice, neither time went well, we live on opposite sides of the country so no fear of bumping into him. We get on ok with monthly ish phone calls.

So now he has cancer, and its very aggressive. If my bio mam is anything to go by he still has another 15yrs to wait until I forgive him. It just doesn't seem like that he will have that time. I don't know how to forgive so quickly?

Also my Grandparents both passed away recently enough and I don't know if I can cope with loosing another parent.

I'm at a loss. Its funny in every other aspect of my life I 100% avoid conflict and usually just agree to stop an arguement but I just can't forgive my bio parents that easily, I feel bitter towards them for not raising me.

neonsofa

Wow what a difficult thing to have to go through. It really does seem like a dilemma for you. I'm sorry for your loss. Losing the parents that raised you must have been so difficult, and maybe you would have turned to them for advice/guidance if they were still here.

There is no obligation on you to forgive. Whether you want to/feel it is right or whatever else, it is not something you HAVE to do. Regardless of biology etc.

I'm thinking it might be a good idea to consider how you might feel when he does pass away if you do or do not forgive him. Would you beat yourself up about it?

I can't really give you any advice other than that your parents are the people who raise you imo. This man may have created you and yes he is your father in that sense but imo you don't need to behave a certain way towards him purely because he fathered you. He didn't raise you or give you anything you needed throughout your life so don't feel you owe him anything now, the decision needs to be what is right for you, not him.

Airyfairy12

Youre never going to get an apology from your dad, you should forgive him but do it for yourself, so youre not carrying that anger and resentment around with you as its only hurting yourself. Whether or not you want to see him and spend time with him is another thing, thats your choice to make.

LegacyUser

I'm not sure what chance you think you might give him. You met and you keep in about as much contact as could be expected for someone who abandoned you, so what more are you expecting yourself to give or what is he asking of you?

Xterminator

HI OP

Have you ever had counselling for this?

At this stage i hope that he has explained what the circumstances were in their lives that led them to take this action. They didn't leave you on the orphanage doorstep, they left you with someone they trusted to look after you; and they picked good people?

what does he need forgiveness for?

for not being back in the picture? Perhaps it was part of the deal with the grandparents that he step back, perhaps it was too painful for him to bring up the memories? Perhaps he would have felt hypocritical sending you a card twice a year but not being there the rest of the year?

surely thats why you meet him and getting his story?

1st stage is to understand why he did what he did. He can give you that understanding.
Next step is coming to terms and deciding how you feel about it, and that's not something he can give you.

if you decide to build any relationship with him now, the clock is ticking. you wont get this time back, so perhaps you need to look at your own feelings.

neonsofa

neonsofa wrote: »

There is no obligation on you to forgive. Whether you want to/feel it is right or whatever else, it is not something you HAVE to do. Regardless of biology etc.

I'm thinking it might be a good idea to consider how you might feel when he does pass away if you do or do not forgive him. Would you beat yourself up about it?

Just to second what Neonsofa said, all you need to think about is how you will feel when he dies and if there's anything you need to do to help yourself get through that.

My friend's mother was terribly psychologically abusive to her and her Dad and when she was considering severing contact with her she thought about how she would feel if her mother died after she cut off contact and she realised that would be OK.

I suspect though that you need something from him to get closure, if this is the case, tell him.

Ursus Horribilis

Before I start, can I say I'm sorry for your losses. What a hard time you're going through at the moment. I hope things start getting better for you soon.

Ages ago there was a thread here (can't find it) from a guy who had a dilemma somewhat like yours. When he was a teenager, his father had walked out on the family, leaving them in poverty. He was a violent, abusive husband and father. The guy posting had a suspicion the father had sexually abused his own daughter. Anyway, when this particular guy started the thread here, he'd got word that his father was in a coma and was not expected to come out of it or survive. He didn't know whether to visit him or not. He'd not seen him in years.

In the end he decided to go visit his father and was glad he had done so. He had a surprisingly emotional reaction to seeing his own father in the hospital bed. The general gist of the advice he was given was much the same as you're getting here. That if he thought at all that he'd regret not seeing him before he dies, he should go. Perhaps that is why you started this thread?

There's nothing wrong with going to see your father for entirely "selfish" purposes. It'd be a very big ask for you to forgive him for abandoning you but there's some sort of bond there. It's interesting that you mention you're not sure if you can cope with losing another parent. It implies that there's some sort of emotional attachment there, even if it's not the sort of love you felt for your grandparents. Family bonds can be the most irrational thing under the sun and it's good to recognise that.

givedadachance

Thanks everyone for all the advise. I don't think I will get a satisfactory reason from him why he left, because I don't think there is any excuse good enough so I think I will just have to try move past that bit if I want to build something. It's what I had to do with my 'mam' we used to fight a lot. The last 5+yrs we have been getting on better because I have a we don't talk about the past rule and are just building new memories.

Yes they choose excellent people to raise me, I really wish they were my actual parents, would have made life so much easier! So in a way maybe I should thank my biological parents for giving me away. I'm sure I'd probably be annoyed for them not telling me but I often think they should have just said my grandparents were my parents (age wise it was possible). I got teased a good bit at school and it would've been nice to be able call someone Mam or Dad.

I think for the moment I will just keep texting him, I only found out his cancer had taken such a bad turn last week which got me thinking about all this. I know it sounds selfish but I don't have the time to go visit him at the moment (both to take the actual trip & I am worried I will be very upset when I see him), I have a lot of very big exams coming up in 3 weeks which I need to concentrate on.

Xterminator

I don't think I will get a satisfactory reason from him why he left, because I don't think there is any excuse good enough

Hi Op

this seems a funny turn of phrase. He shouldn't have to make up a reason that you accept. he should tell you the truth. you then will process.

his reasons are his and your mothers. you live in a different age, in a different society.

Really i have great sympathy for you. But you do come across as having blinkers on, as to why they behaved as they did. you come across as having a very negative view of your childhood, whilst saying it was grand on the other hand. And you seem want to apportion blame.. EG your parents,, with no attempt to understand their reasons.

you must have read about children who grew up in state homes around that time. they instead found a solution where they left you with loving foster parents who provided you with a loving stable place to grow up. how many of your school friends came from outwardly respectable homes but saw alcoholism, abuse and family dysfunction growing up?

They may have seemed to have this idealised childhood in your eyes but in reality you had a pretty good upbringing, and your parents chose that for you. I am sorry but i think you need to see this from a bigger perspective than 'my childhood grievance'. I hope you dont take this as an attack on you.

neonsofa

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

this seems a funny turn of phrase. He shouldn't have to make up a reason that you accept. he should tell you the truth. you then will process.

his reasons are his and your mothers. you live in a different age, in a different society.

Really i have great sympathy for you. But you do come across as having blinkers on, as to why they behaved as they did. you come across as having a very negative view of your childhood, whilst saying it was grand on the other hand. And you seem want to apportion blame.. EG your parents,, with no attempt to understand their reasons.

you must have read about children who grew up in state homes around that time. they instead found a solution where they left you with loving foster parents who provided you with a loving stable place to grow up. how many of your school friends came from outwardly respectable homes but saw alcoholism, abuse and family dysfunction growing up?

They may have seemed to have this idealised childhood in your eyes but in reality you had a pretty good upbringing, and your parents chose that for you. I am sorry but i think you need to see this from a bigger perspective than 'my childhood grievance'. I hope you dont take this as an attack on you.

You seem to be under the impression that the options you've listed (state care or a life of alcoholism/abuse/family dysfunction) were the only options available to ops biological parents. You don't allow for the scenario where ops mam and dad step up to the plate and raise the child themselves, with the help of seemingly supportive parents given they raised op, which may also have been an option. It may not have been, we dont know their reasons or their options at the time but op is the one they made the decision for and imo she is well within her rights to question that decision and their subsequent actions, and to feel aggrieved. That shouldn't be trivialised imo.

Not all parents do things in their child's best interests- like you say saving them from a dysfunctional home life etc.- sometimes decisions are made out of selfishness. Not saying that is the case here but sometimes there is no "bigger picture", and just because ops childhood turned out well and she had some lovely parents in the end, the people that gave birth to her had a responsibility towards her and if she feels that they didn't act in her best interests then I don't think it's fair to say she should accept that they "chose a good life for her" as if they did some selfless good deed just because the parents that raised her stepped up to the plate when the biological parents wouldn't.

Xterminator

You seem to be under the impression that the options you've listed (state care or a life of alcoholism/abuse/family dysfunction) were the only options available to ops biological parents.

Far from it. its possible OPs parents couldn't be arsed. we don't know. what we do know id the OP was raised lovingly in a stable environment.

of course they have a right to ask and feel aggrieved. however it may or may not be justified.

Perhaps you missed what i said where the OP should seek the truth and not satisfactory reasons and excuses.

a satisfactory reason from him why he left, because I don't think there is any excuse good enough

Once the OP has the truth he/she can make up their mind. My post wasn't about that, it was about being mindful of life in society then as opposed to now, how unmarried parents were pressured and treated by society. I feel the OP is focusing on the negatives of their childhood, and not the positives. I felt the OP was unable or unwilling to put themselves into the parents shoes, and see from their perspective.

But all that said; if you have already prejudged that no reason is good enough ... then what chance has the OP of finding the peace they are looking for?