Extreme stress

Je8

Been with my girlfriend for almost 1.5 years and we have been having massive arguments lately, mostly over not spending enough time together. I am extremely introverted person and I have to have my own time otherwise I get extremely irritated and start hating everyone around me. My girlfriend is very needy and always complains about how we are not spending enough time together. I work 24 hours per week and study full time in college Monday to Friday basically meaning that I only have 1 day off during the week. I always feel like I am running out of time and my girlfriend is putting pressure on me. We are still meeting at least 2 days every week but we live around 40 km from each other which makes things even more difficult. I love her and she loves me a lot and seems to be genuinely depressed over us not being able to stay together more often, so much so that she seemed suicidal 2 times already. I would never want to leave her but if I did I think she would kill herself as she is completely in love and says that there is no point in living without me. The past 6 months have been hell for me and I don't have motivation to even get up in the mornings anymore, I hate my job as I have to work unsocial hours, almost every single weekend, Friday to Monday. Living together is ridiculously expensive as well and we would have to pay most of our wages for a single room with barely any privacy. I cannot live comfortably without any privacy and my own space. Sometimes I just want to run away from everything. We have started saving for a mortgage but I don't know if our relationship can last for 2 years until we save enough. I don't know what to do, quit my job so I can stay more with her or what. I feel completely helpless and sometimes feeling that dying would be better rather than suffering every single day, I am not enjoying life whatsoever. All my tasks are done automatically with no passion at all like I used to have.

bmwguy

Huge issues going on here. The most serious is the suicidal threat. Either she is genuinely depressed and needs help or she is using it as a control technique to get you to do what she wants. I don't know her so can't say which one it is. If it's depression, professional help can improve things. If it's control, its a horrible thing to hold over someone and there's no cure for being a c*nt. 2 separate ladies told me they would kill themselves if I did a certain something, one was break up the other was to do with not giving a promotion in work. I knew both were just idle control attempts I ignored and nothing happened.
Gave them a right bollocking for trying that with me to try to scare me and make me feel guilty.

Do me a favour and have a read of your post and tell me what advice you would give if this was another person. It's affected you very badly by the sounds if it.

leggo

Do you actually want to be with this person?

Don't be with her because she's threatening to kill herself. Your life can't be held to ransom like that. It's extremely unlikely she'll actually follow through with it (it's not an uncommon control tactic to keep someone in a relationship), but to sooth any guilt you may have, if you do break up with her then contact a member of her family and let them know what she's said so they can look out for her, then your duty to this person is done.

Aside from that, if you want to break-up, do it. We get in a relationship because it's two lives joining together in an effort to improve both. They can have ups and downs at times, but sometimes if you're in a bad relationship you can keep going out of habit without stepping back and realising that the relationship is actually actively making your life worse. Sadly it sounds like your relationship is at this stage. You're incompatible on a fairly big issue and the thought of joining your lives together further is something that flies in the face of what would make you happy. This isn't the only girl in the world, you can find someone who can accommodate (and may even appreciate) your introverted side and need for space, someone that you then want to give time back to and meet in the middle. But it doesn't sound like this is the girl for you, and that's okay.

Hannibal_Smith

You can't stay with someone because you feel they're suicidal. Ask her has she spoken to someone else about her feelings and if she hasn't she should. If you're not available to help her, she should seek help from someone who can.

It's a difficult situation. It would be different if you had lots of spare time and were avoiding her. But you need to work. You need to study. You need chill out time for yourself. If your girlfriend is adding pressure, that can't be pleasant and isn't something you should have to endure for two years. Either she accepts you haven't much time and supports you, or she finds someone who can devote more time to her.

Ursus Horribilis

Aside from the suicide issue, the pair of you are about as incompatible as it gets. Someone as needy as her would wear down most people. For an introvert who needs plenty of "me" time, a partner like your girlfriend will cause very real problems. She's already causing you problems and you're not even living together. Are you sure it's wise to tie yourself financially to a woman who's unlikely to back off and give you the space you need? My prediction is that things will get even worse for you.

If you choose to end the relationship - and I'm of the view that you should - you could have a word with someone in her family and have them keep an eye on her. She's not your responsibility and suicide threats are no reason to stay in a bad relationship.

dellas1979

Jeepers OP-thats emotional backmail at the highest degree.

You need to take a step back and see what is going on.

It is not normal for someone to profess they want to kill themselves to get what they want. And it is indeed time for a professional to step in.

Am all for doing what needs to be done to save a relationship (if I can do anything within my remit), but that would turn my stomach.

zoobizoo

A friend of mine ended up with someone similar...

He broke up with her because he wasn't happy, she "attempted" suicide, he got back together with her to make her fell better.
They ended up together and he's never been happy - he's always pandering to her whims and her control. I hope you're prepared for a life of misery.


If a gf of mine said that there would be no point living without me, or anything like that, I would be out of there. Because that is just the start of a whole range of issues.


Wht age are you guys?
What does she do?
Is she your first proper gf?

Je8

bmwguy wrote: »

Huge issues going on here. The most serious is the suicidal threat. Either she is genuinely depressed and needs help or she is using it as a control technique to get you to do what she wants. I don't know her so can't say which one it is. If it's depression, professional help can improve things. If it's control, its a horrible thing to hold over someone and there's no cure for being a c*nt. 2 separate ladies told me they would kill themselves if I did a certain something, one was break up the other was to do with not giving a promotion in work. I knew both were just idle control attempts I ignored and nothing happened.
Gave them a right bollocking for trying that with me to try to scare me and make me feel guilty.

Do me a favour and have a read of your post and tell me what advice you would give if this was another person. It's affected you very badly by the sounds if it.

She honestly seems both depressed and controlling. She tells me that she only lives for me and hates her life now because we can't stay together more days. I would prefer just to end the relationship as I already have pressures from college and work, and on top of that having to meet her needs and having no time whatsoever for anything else. But if I leave her and she kills herself then I will feel forever guilty, she refuses help from a professional and says that she is fine and the only solution is living together or spending more time together.

peckerhead

Je8 wrote: »

She honestly seems both depressed and controlling. She tells me that she only lives for me and hates her life now [...] she refuses help from a professional and says that she is fine and the only solution is living together or spending more time together.

I'm mostly just getting 'controlling' here, tbh.

I'd walk, and soon.

leggo

Je8 wrote: »

She honestly seems both depressed and controlling. She tells me that she only lives for me and hates her life now because we can't stay together more days. I would prefer just to end the relationship as I already have pressures from college and work, and on top of that having to meet her needs and having no time whatsoever for anything else. But if I leave her and she kills herself then I will feel forever guilty, she refuses help from a professional and says that she is fine and the only solution is living together or spending more time together.

So, if that's how you feel, now if I were you I'd start planning your break-up. How can you do it in a way that also means you can get her some instant support? (Mainly for your own conscience so you can sleep easy rather than feeling an instant threat that she's going to do it, I highly doubt she will, like I said above these threats aren't uncommon. I've had two girls in my own life personally who've alluded to it)

Do you know her family to call? Does she live at home? If it's the latter, can you break up with her in her house then tell one of her immediate family what she's said so they can take over? Or can you call one and give them a heads up? Once you've done that, you can hold your head high and move on with your life. Now it's just a case of figuring out the specifics.

Ursus Horribilis

What sort of relationship does she have with her family? What I'm getting at here is that she could have someone keep an eye on her should you end the relationship. You could also talk to her GP, college counsellor (if she's in college?) or any siblings/friends she might have.

The vast majority of people who talk about suicide have no intention of following through with it. It is a form of control as the others on this thread have correctly pointed out.

Would you be willing to have a chat with someone yourself to clear your own head? As in a college counsellor or a therapist?

kylith

Je8 wrote: »

She honestly seems both depressed and controlling. She tells me that she only lives for me and hates her life now because we can't stay together more days. I would prefer just to end the relationship as I already have pressures from college and work, and on top of that having to meet her needs and having no time whatsoever for anything else. But if I leave her and she kills herself then I will feel forever guilty, she refuses help from a professional and says that she is fine and the only solution is living together or spending more time together.

Which you don't want to do, because you would prefer to end the relationship.

OP, she is not going to kill herself if you end it, she's threatening that to keep you there through fear and fear of guilt. Even if she did that is her choice, you are not responsible for someone else's actions. What else can you do? Move in with her and be miserable every day for the rest of your life? Think about it: in a year, in 20 years, 50, you're going to stay in a relationship that makes you stressed and unhappy until the day you die?

Get the phone number of one of her family members. End the relationship. Phone her family member and tell them that you have had to end things with her and she is threatening to kill herself. She is then their problem. Breathe a sigh of relief, get to a point in your life where you're happy, find someone who isn't a controlling head-melter.

Honestly, if someone tried that 'kill myself' nonsense with me I'd most likely dump them on the spot for being a manipulative asshole.

Je8

leggo wrote: »

Do you actually want to be with this person?

Don't be with her because she's threatening to kill herself. Your life can't be held to ransom like that. It's extremely unlikely she'll actually follow through with it (it's not an uncommon control tactic to keep someone in a relationship), but to sooth any guilt you may have, if you do break up with her then contact a member of her family and let them know what she's said so they can look out for her, then your duty to this person is done.

Aside from that, if you want to break-up, do it. We get in a relationship because it's two lives joining together in an effort to improve both. They can have ups and downs at times, but sometimes if you're in a bad relationship you can keep going out of habit without stepping back and realising that the relationship is actually actively making your life worse. Sadly it sounds like your relationship is at this stage. You're incompatible on a fairly big issue and the thought of joining your lives together further is something that flies in the face of what would make you happy. This isn't the only girl in the world, you can find someone who can accommodate (and may even appreciate) your introverted side and need for space, someone that you then want to give time back to and meet in the middle. But it doesn't sound like this is the girl for you, and that's okay.

I want to be with her and meeting her for a few times a week is enough for me and keeps me happy, however that's not good enough for her. I am not allowed to sleep the next day after working night shift because it means that I don't care about her as instead of coming and staying with her I choose to sleep, but I sleep because I am completely exhausted from full week of college and work. The thing is, she is not from Ireland and her family is back in her own country, she used to be close with her friends but now she only focuses on me and has no interest in her friends at all. I told her why you don't go out with your friends more? And she told me that she doesn't want and she is only interested in spending time with me. When I explain to her that sometimes I need time for myself to recover and be happier then she immediately assumes that I don't love her and are not interested in meeting her because I don't like her which is simply not true, I am always under this pressure and it's keeping me exhausted and extremely unmotivated to do anything, my sex drive is almost nonexistent as well.

Je8

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

You can't stay with someone because you feel they're suicidal. Ask her has she spoken to someone else about her feelings and if she hasn't she should. If you're not available to help her, she should seek help from someone who can.

It's a difficult situation. It would be different if you had lots of spare time and were avoiding her. But you need to work. You need to study. You need chill out time for yourself. If your girlfriend is adding pressure, that can't be pleasant and isn't something you should have to endure for two years. Either she accepts you haven't much time and supports you, or she finds someone who can devote more time to her.

That's exactly what I am trying to tell her, but if I tell her that I don't want to stay with her the next morning after working 12 hour night shifts then she immediately assumes that I don't love her and have no interest in the relationship.

Je8

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Aside from the suicide issue, the pair of you are about as incompatible as it gets. Someone as needy as her would wear down most people. For an introvert who needs plenty of "me" time, a partner like your girlfriend will cause very real problems. She's already causing you problems and you're not even living together. Are you sure it's wise to tie yourself financially to a woman who's unlikely to back off and give you the space you need? My prediction is that things will get even worse for you.

If you choose to end the relationship - and I'm of the view that you should - you could have a word with someone in her family and have them keep an eye on her. She's not your responsibility and suicide threats are no reason to stay in a bad relationship.

She is a renting a room in a house with her friends and for the past 6 months she distanced herself from them and keeps herself closed in her own room, being sad about me not being there with her. Her family lives in another country.

kylith

You can't be everything for her OP. You have to look after you and your mental health. Have you said that to her? Have you turned it back on her and pointed out that if she can't accept that you need to sleep after working a night shift that she can't love you very much? No matter what you do, it will never be enough. I worry that she will try to cut you off from your own friends and then you'll be one of those poor old men, henpecked by a controlling wife. Afraid to say anything in case she hurts herself, no-one to turn to because she's cut you off from everyone.

Je8

leggo wrote: »

So, if that's how you feel, now if I were you I'd start planning your break-up. How can you do it in a way that also means you can get her some instant support? (Mainly for your own conscience so you can sleep easy rather than feeling an instant threat that she's going to do it, I highly doubt she will, like I said above these threats aren't uncommon. I've had two girls in my own life personally who've alluded to it)

Do you know her family to call? Does she live at home? If it's the latter, can you break up with her in her house then tell one of her immediate family what she's said so they can take over? Or can you call one and give them a heads up? Once you've done that, you can hold your head high and move on with your life. Now it's just a case of figuring out the specifics.

She distances herself from her friends and her family lives in another country, she is renting a house with around 5 other fiends.

Stheno

Does she work?

Je8

Stheno wrote: »

Does she work?

She usually works Monday to Friday 9 to 5, I work almost every single weekend night shifts.

Je8

zoobizoo wrote: »

A friend of mine ended up with someone similar...

He broke up with her because he wasn't happy, she "attempted" suicide, he got back together with her to make her fell better.
They ended up together and he's never been happy - he's always pandering to her whims and her control. I hope you're prepared for a life of misery.


If a gf of mine said that there would be no point living without me, or anything like that, I would be out of there. Because that is just the start of a whole range of issues.


Wht age are you guys?
What does she do?
Is she your first proper gf?

I am early 20s and she is almost 30
She works a 9 to 5 job Monday to Friday.
She is my first real girlfriend and she told me that I am her first real one as well, she had boyfriend before but only short term.

Je8

kylith wrote: »

You can't be everything for her OP. You have to look after you and your mental health. Have you said that to her? Have you turned it back on her and pointed out that if she can't accept that you need to sleep after working a night shift that she can't love you very much? No matter what you do, it will never be enough. I worry that she will try to cut you off from your own friends and then you'll be one of those poor old men, henpecked by a controlling wife. Afraid to say anything in case she hurts herself, no-one to turn to because she's cut you off from everyone.

It has already happened, I went out with my friend for a first time in 1 month, she got jealous and started asking why she couldn't be with us and why we can't do this together.

Ursus Horribilis

Is there a counselling service available in your college?

njs030

Je8 wrote: »

I am early 20s and she is almost 30
She works a 9 to 5 job Monday to Friday.
She is my first real girlfriend and she told me that I am her first real one as well, she had boyfriend before but only short term.

You don't have to be in a relationship if you don't want to.
You don't have to see her if you don't want to.

If she loved you as she claims to then she would want you to be happy which includes you having enough sleep and time to yourself!!
She's acting very selfishly and being very manipulative, it's very unlikely she will harm herself if you ended things but if she chooses to then that's her choice not yours.


Op it's your life too and you can't let someone control you like this. It's not normal to sit around feeling sad that you aren't with your boyfriend for a few hours.

peckerhead

Je8 wrote: »

She distances herself from her friends and her family lives in another country, she is renting a house with around 5 other fiends.

Apart from her (fiendish) housemates, she voluntarily chooses not to have friends and little or no contact with her family, but at 30 expects you, nearly 10 years her junior, to fill the void?

Get the hell out of there, fast. This has more red flags than a Communist Party rally. You're in an abusive relationship.

LegacyUser

You don't sound like you want to be in a relationship full stop. It's not unusual for people to move in together after 1.5 years it would a pretty natural step. In what you've written you make her sound like a huge inconvience and she most likely feels like exactly that. Not a pleasant position for anyone in a longterm realtionship to be in. She clearly does have mental health issues, the inconsistencies in your wants and needs are going to make them worse if anything. Voicing suicidal ideation isn't always emotional blackmail maybe she does actually feel that way especially if she feels very alone. She does need professional help with that and it's her responsibility to get it. She could or might not commit suicide it's nobody's call to make and these comments you see bandied around like people that commit suicide never actually say they're going to/cry for help/attention seeking/emotional blackmail are bull, nobody has any idea what's going on inside anybody's head. One thing is for sure though an unhappy relationship isn't going to ever become miraculously happy if two people are completely incompatible. You can never be what each other needs or wants and both of you need to realise that. Everyone seems to be focused on your gfs suicidal threats but in you saying you think you'd be better off dead it doesn't sound like your mental health is the best either. It's a completely toxic situation.

Je8

notjustsweet wrote: »

You don't have to be in a relationship if you don't want to.
You don't have to see her if you don't want to.

If she loved you as she claims to then she would want you to be happy which includes you having enough sleep and time to yourself!!
She's acting very selfishly and being very manipulative, it's very unlikely she will harm herself if you ended things but if she chooses to then that's her choice not yours.


Op it's your life too and you can't let someone control you like this. It's not normal to sit around feeling sad that you aren't with your boyfriend for a few hours.

I agree that it's not normal, her friends are very nice people and always invite her everywhere but she refuses to go because I am not with her to accompany her, which she considers not appropriate because boyfriend and girlfriend have to go everywhere together.

Je8

peckerhead wrote: »

Apart from her (fiendish) housemates, she voluntarily chooses not to have friends and little or no contact with her family, but at 30 expects you, nearly 10 years her junior, to fill the void?

Get the hell out of there, fast. This has more red flags than a Communist Party rally. You're in an abusive relationship.

I agree, I think I will have to end it as my life feels like surviving instead of living like I used to do before, hopefully I will be able to go back and do the things that I enjoyed and not feel under pressure 24/7

Je8

I wanted to say thanks for everyone for posting, it has really helped me to decide to do something about the relationship instead of suffering every day. I appreciate the help very much.

Ursus Horribilis

I hope you can end this OP. You sound like a lovely guy who's under a lot of pressure. Relationships should be a happy addition to your life, not something that brings you misery.

leggo

I think if you let her housemates know, that should suffice. They're going to be there in the same building as her so they can monitor her better than you could anyway. Then do the deed, block her number and on social media so she can't try manipulate you into coming back. A year from now, she'll be fine and will have moved on and you'll thank god you did the right thing.

The Princess Bride

Je8 wrote: »

she refuses help from a professional and says that she is fine.

That's her choice.
It's your choice to end this controlling relationship, you're only 18 months together, it should never ever be this difficult.

Give yourself space and time before you even think about dating again.

Best of luck.

zoobizoo

Je8 wrote: »

I am early 20s and she is almost 30
She works a 9 to 5 job Monday to Friday.
She is my first real girlfriend and she told me that I am her first real one as well, she had boyfriend before but only short term.

Okay, OP, you're in a difficult situation.

She's older than you and should know better than to manipulate you.


I know that you want to do your best for her but this is not a healthy relationship.

You might think that you love her and she's the one, but when you actually go out with someone who is easy going, loving and not controlling and putting so much on you, you'll realise what a normal loving relationship is.

You're having no fun and sounds like you're not having much of a laugh at all. That counts for a lot in the great times and the bad times.


How did you guys meet?

dellas1979

Je8 wrote: »

She is a renting a room in a house with her friends and for the past 6 months she distanced herself from them and keeps herself closed in her own room, being sad about me not being there with her. Her family lives in another country.

Put it like this.

She has issues anyways that SHE needs to work on, herself. Things in her own past life, that has resulted in how she is now. The relationship is compounding these issues. As in, its bringing them out of her.

There are things SHE needs to work on.

She either gets the help she needs. Or you walk. I have to say also, sometimes people (i.e., her) need to actually be alone to deal with these things. Its something she needs to face up to. Herself.