Housemates Partner Issue

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I have been renting with 2 friends for the past while and we get on very well.

However, one of the girls has had a long term boyfriend for the past 2 years or so and lately, he is always in the house, probably spending 3/4 nights with us a week.

Even to the point where my housemate and I will be in the apartment and the BF will call to the house to cook dinner for the 2 of them when she isn't there or on the way home from work, this is happening a lot lately.

I have no problem with the BF, really nice guy but it's just getting a bit much where he is always there, for example in the last week it has been the 3 of us watching TV with my housemate in bed. Even to the point where our housemate has given up saying, oh so and so will be over later, dya mind?

There has been jokingly a suggestion of him getting a key for the house but hasn't properly come up yet, I wouldn't be comfortable with this unless he comes on the lease, but that's a different conversation altogether.

My housemate and I have had boyfriends over in the past but not to this extent and certainly not cooking dinner, etc.

Any thoughts on this, is my housemate and I being too rash, I'd like to pull her up on it but afraid our past partners would be brought up that they were ALWAYS in the house. Thanks

Katgurl

Yeah it's tricky because it sounds like you have a good co-habiting arrangement there where you all get on well and are relaxed with each other's boyfriends.

I take it two of you are single now?

My advice is for you and the other single girl have a conversation to make sure youre on the same page and figure out what you think would be acceptable for current and all future boyfriends.

Personally i always found that two nights a week max was fair when i lived in houseshares. We never allowed our boyfriends to hang out when we weren't there either.

Lead

He cant be there when she's not there for starters. It's your home before his so that needs to be cut out. You need to sit down with the other single girl and see what both of you think is ok and then all 3 of you sit down for a chat about it.

At the end of the day, you're paying rent not him so you get to call the shots on what you're comfortable with.

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Dr Crayfish

The guy is acting like a total PRICK in my opinion. Does he have no self awareness? I just don't get these people. He's not paying rent and you don't want to have to look at him all the time or have him in your space, sharing is bad enough without people's boyfriends being there.
I had a similar situation myself, I'd come home from work and the BF would be using every utensil in the kitchen to make a romantic meal for my housemate. F**k off! I want to make my dinner after a hard day's work!
Anyway, I ended up just getting a bedsit and never sharing again!
I would talk to your flatmate though, you shouldn't have to put up with this stuff, I'm actually annoyed for you because I just can't understand the mentality of these people.

housemates

housemates wrote: »

I'd like to pull her up on it but afraid our past partners would be brought up that they were ALWAYS in the house. Thanks

WERE they always in the house? If you and your other housemate have set a precedent, it's not fair now to change the rules for the other housemate's boyfriend.

Otherwise, all three of you should limit the boyfriends to sleeping over two nights a week and being there only when their partner is there.

And definitely no keys.

Dr Crayfish

The only time I was comfortable in any girlfriend's flat that were flatsharing, was when we went back after a night out, and I'd slip out the next day trying to avoid everyone, or if I knew everyone was away and we could stay in for the night. Apart from that, unless we were just hanging out in her room and I wouldn't even do that often, I just totally always felt like I was encroaching on the others' space. Maybe that's just me though and not people in general.

Toots

If he's there on his own sometimes then has she given him a key? I wouldn't be cool with the idea of her handing the house key out to someone who's not in the lease.

If you and your other housemate have set a precedent of boyfriends being over all the time then it'll be tough to ask her to have him over less, but I would insist that he not just arrive to the house when she's not there and also that she's not to give him a key.

AustinLostin

Really weigh up your options here, and consider how actions may damage your friendship especially if you get on well with the guy too.
I think you have every right to justifiably say something about it, and I would say something if it was a bunch of random housemates I didn't care about but if you do want a relationship with your friend after, just be careful.

I was the person who always had their boyfriend over at my rental....but we put him to work, he made meals on rotation like us all, and helped with the chores. He made sure he showed his gratitude as well to them for allowing him to impose. Eventually my housemate pushed us to move in together when another housemate moved out, so he became an official housemate, and we haven't looked back since. Theres four of us now (two couples) and it works so well.

JennyZ

Totally agree with Dr Crayfish, it's bang out of order. You pay hard earned money for a house share and you shouldn't have to put up with nonsense like that.

Ray37

If you and your other flatmate always had BFs over as you say, it's a bit unfair to expect her not to do the same. I'd be prepared for a row TBH if you are asking her not to do something you both did before....

messy tessy

housemates wrote: »

My housemate and I have had boyfriends over in the past but not to this extent and certainly not cooking dinner, etc

Doesn't sound like it's the same situation though?

The part about the housemate's partner in the house cooking when she isn't there would be an issue for me. Sounds like he has moved in! 3/4 nights a week is a bit much.

MissShihTzu

If the boyfriend is there 3-4 days a week, he LIVES there. Therefore he should be paying rent. Mind you, when it's a couples situation, it never ends well...

Call a house meeting and put this to the housemate. He clearly has a key, so I would be looking to get that back from her as well. This current arrangement is not on and cannot continue.

Dr Crayfish

AustinLostin wrote: »

I was the person who always had their boyfriend over at my rental....but we put him to work, he made meals on rotation like us all, and helped with the chores. He made sure he showed his gratitude as well to them for allowing him to impose.

I couldn't care less if a housemate's boyfriend was serving up Michelin starred molecular gastronomy for dinner every day, I'd still rather not have an extra person in an already uncomfortable house sharing arrangement, which house sharing empirically is! He's not their boyfriend, he's yours. Out of order.

AustinLostin

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I couldn't care less if a housemate's boyfriend was serving up Michelin starred molecular gastronomy for dinner every day, I'd still rather not have an extra person in an already uncomfortable house sharing arrangement, which house sharing empirically is! He's not their boyfriend, he's yours. Out of order.

Yup, not saying its right, I'm just putting forward a viewpoint as to how to resolve the issue and keep everyone happy. What you care about doesn't really matter. Shouting at someone that they are out of order is prob just going to cause further house issues in the longterm..whether you are in the right or wrong. Sometimes you have to make the best of circumstance rather than shouting injustice.

Dr Crayfish

AustinLostin wrote: »

Yup, not saying its right, I'm just putting forward a viewpoint as to how to resolve the issue and keep everyone happy. What you care about doesn't really matter. Shouting at someone that they are out of order is prob just going to cause further house issues in the longterm..whether you are in the right or wrong. Sometimes you have to make the best of circumstance rather than shouting injustice.

No one's shouting. If you don't pay rent you shouldn't be there much at all, and if you are, stay out of people's way. Simple as that. Keeping the feckin' boyfriend happy isn't up for discussion he has nothing to do with the sharing arrangement really.

leggo

I kinda get what Austin is saying, though. There's a way it can be done right. For example: my old housemate's girlfriend used to be over 2-3 nights a week and we used to joke that she was the 4th housemate. There were times when I kinda felt it was pushing the boundary a bit (such as when decorating the place for Christmas became about those as a couple and we could 'join in if we want', meaning we're not active participants in how our home is decorated but she was?), but for the most part they played it well. She'd do little unexpected nice things, like clean the apartment now and then (the bathroom was her OCD and she kept on top of it) that made it totally cool. Then other times it was a bit much, like when she'd come over at 7pm and stay in his room for the night so she'd be there when he comes home from a night shift. But we had a good relationship with her and she acknowledged and repaid any inconvenience, so it ultimately worked out. Relationships can be difficult, and theirs was sometimes in terms of finding time together, so they had to get creative. Both myself and the other housemate got this and saw the big picture, in that if we were in a similar situation we'd want the same freedom, so we were cool about it.

That's not this though. If it's a problem to the other housemates, then it's a problem. It doesn't matter what worked in other apartment situations, nor does it really matter what this couple 'needs' (since the option is always there for them to move in together), but OP just be wary that whatever you ask you'll have to apply to yourself too in the future. And you may find yourself in a situation, like my old housemate, where it can be tricky to spend time together and you also need to get creative. So have a think about that before you confront the issue too, and maybe try work out some wiggle room for compromise rather than go in all guns blazing.

heretothere

I am curious though, when you had a boyfriend you said he was always there? So how come it's now different for your housemate?