Wedding invitation etiquette

hoodini89

My boyfriend received an invitation to a wedding abroad of a good friend of his. The couple live abroad and we have visited them a few times and got on great.

The invite was addressed to *Boyfriend's name + Guest. I feel a bit insulted that they didn't even put my name in despite staying in their house several times and friends on Facebook so it's not like they've forgotten my name.

I'm probably overthinking it but was '+Guest' put in just cos they don't care who he brings with him?

We're definitely planning on going to the wedding though but just wondering is this etiquette normal?

Thanks in advance!

GingerLily

It does seem a little rude but organising a wedding myself I know you have to make a rule and stick to it so it's seen that your treating everyone the same. Maybe there are other guests where is was trickier so they've chosen to only have named "plus ones" for engaged or married couples?

Wedding invitations really are a minefield, I won't go into too much detail but the only way we've been able to get through it is pick a rule and stick to it!

lawred2

hoodini89 wrote: »

My boyfriend received an invitation to a wedding abroad of a good friend of his. The couple live abroad and we have visited them a few times and got on great.

The invite was addressed to *Boyfriend's name + Guest. I feel a bit insulted that they didn't even put my name in despite staying in their house several times and friends on Facebook so it's not like they've forgotten my name.

I'm probably overthinking it but was '+Guest' put in just cos they don't care who he brings with him?

We're definitely planning on going to the wedding though but just wondering is this etiquette normal?

Thanks in advance!

Hmmm... On the surface it seems a bit off...

However I'd ask - do you guys live together and when is the wedding?

They could be hedging their bets in a rather clunky manner...

team_actimel

lawred2 wrote: »

Hmmm... On the surface it seems a bit off...

However I'd ask - do you guys live together and when is the wedding?

They could be hedging their bets in a rather clunky manner...

Yeah it does seem a bit off!

Yes we live together and have been a couple for nearly 10 years. I first met the bride and groom 8 years ago.

The wedding is in December.

GingerLily

team_actimel wrote: »

Yeah it does seem a bit off!

Yes we live together and have been a couple for nearly 10 years. I first met the bride and groom 8 years ago.

The wedding is in December.

Are you the OP?

lawred2

team_actimel wrote: »

Yeah it does seem a bit off!

Yes we live together and have been a couple for nearly 10 years. I first met the bride and groom 8 years ago.

The wedding is in December.

did you just shapeshift?

If you're the OP - then based on that bit - they should have most definitely used your name.

Can I also ask what exactly is your boyfriend waiting for? 10 years not enough for him to make his mind up? (I jest a little)

Cathmandooo

Very rude, no justification for doing that whatsoever. Possibly it was pure laziness and there's no hidden meaning to it but it's still very bad form.

Tigger

hoodini89 wrote: »

My boyfriend received an invitation to a wedding abroad of a good friend of his. The couple live abroad and we have visited them a few times and got on great.

The invite was addressed to *Boyfriend's name + Guest. I feel a bit insulted that they didn't even put my name in despite staying in their house several times and friends on Facebook so it's not like they've forgotten my name.

I'm probably overthinking it but was '+Guest' put in just cos they don't care who he brings with him?

We're definitely planning on going to the wedding though but just wondering is this etiquette normal?

Thanks in advance!

lawred2 wrote: »

Hmmm... On the surface it seems a bit off...

However I'd ask - do you guys live together and when is the wedding?

They could be hedging their bets in a rather clunky manner...

team_actimel wrote: »

Yeah it does seem a bit off!

Yes we live together and have been a couple for nearly 10 years. I first met the bride and groom 8 years ago.

The wedding is in December.

GingerLily wrote: »

Are you the OP?

lawred2 wrote: »

did you just shapeshift?

If you're the OP - then based on that bit - they should have most definitely used your name.

Can I also ask what exactly is your boyfriend waiting for? 10 years not enough for him to make his mind up? (I jest a little)

frostyjacks

Yes, this would be the traditional etiquette for inviting an officially unattached guest. I wouldn't take it to heart.

Tigger

Tigger wrote: »

on;y other option is the second poster id the op's boyfriend but no they are female.
is all very funnies

The first post was from hoodini. Say no more.

team_actimel

OP here (in a different form of a yoghurt drink!).
Apologies for the mix-up, bad habit of automatically logging into old account which I'd love to close.

Anyway, thanks for your responses so far.

It seems strange that some people are so old-fashioned as to only put names of "officially attached" guests on invites.

To answer lawred2 we're in no rush to get married yet, it will be a joint decision when we decide :P

Toots

Would it be possible that they put +guest on it in case you weren't able to come, and it would give your boyfriend an option to bring a friend or relative instead of going alone?

I know + guest is the official way to do it, but when I got married anyone in long term relationships had the names of both parties on the invitation.

scarepanda

GingerLily wrote:

.... they've chosen to only have named "plus ones" for engaged or married couples?

I know this is done, but tbh that's BS. How many people actually discuss who/how the invitation is addressed to?

team_actimel wrote:

Yes we live together and have been a couple for nearly 10 years. I first met the bride and groom 8 years ago.

I wouldn't not go to the wedding, but if you are together that long then there's no excuse for not putting your name on the invitation as well. Your relationship should be given the respect it deserves.

frostyjacks wrote:

Yes, this would be the traditional etiquette for inviting an officially unattached guest. I wouldn't take it to heart.

Sorry, but tradition should go out the window in a modern society. It's not like the old times that people get engaged/married after 2/3 years together. Many many people today don't get married quickly. We gave an awful lot of friends who are together 10+ years who are not married, but have families, live together and basically are living a married life without the piece of paper, ourselves included.

lawred2 wrote:

Can I also ask what exactly is your boyfriend waiting for? 10 years not enough for him to make his mind up? (I jest a little)

Haha! Myself and my OH are getting married on our 11th anniversary! Up till 3 months ago there was no intention of us ever getting married. The only thing that has changed for us in the last year is the birth of our daughter, and we are only getting married now to make things clearer if anything ever went wrong - an insurance policy if you will. If we didn't have our daughter we wouldn't be getting married, because there wouldn't really be any major benefit to it. But that still doesn't mean that we are and have not been committed to each other ever since we got together.

seamus

If the couple live abroad then one of the sets of parents may have taken up the responsibility for managing the invites.

And if they're old-fashioned, then your boyfriend is the person being invited and you're just his guest. Don't take it personally, if you were married the invite would be addressed to "Mr & Mrs. John Doe".

Do you have to send the RSVPs to the parents? If so, you have your answer.

GingerLily

team_actimel wrote: »

It seems strange that some people are so old-fashioned as to only put names of "officially attached" guests on invites.

There could be a specific reason why they don't want to name all guests (e.g. partner of a newly separated family member etc.) so making a rule is easier and offends less people.

If you ever decide to have a wedding you'll find out first hand how difficult it can be.

Tigger

team_actimel wrote: »

OP here (in a different form of a yoghurt drink!).
Apologies for the mix-up, bad habit of automatically logging into old account which I'd love to close.

i see

however you somethimes log in as one poster then say something and then log in as the other and thank it?


http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=104108947&postcount=98

lol acually you do it the other way round all the time

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=103688694#post103688694

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=103678856#post103678856

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=103605169#post103605169

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=103390940#post103390940

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/search.php?searchid=28903936&pp=25

the list is huge

team_actimel

scarepanda wrote: »

I know this is done, but tbh that's BS. How many people actually discuss who/how the invitation is addressed to?



I wouldn't not go to the wedding, but if you are together that long then there's no excuse for not putting your name on the invitation as well. Your relationship should be given the respect it deserves.




Sorry, but tradition should go out the window in a modern society. It's not like the old times that people get engaged/married after 2/3 years together. Many many people today don't get married quickly. We gave an awful lot of friends who are together 10+ years who are not married, but have families, live together and basically are living a married life without the piece of paper, ourselves included.



Haha! Myself and my OH are getting married on our 11th anniversary! Up till 3 months ago there was no intention of us ever getting married. The only thing that has changed for us in the last year is the birth of our daughter, and we are only getting married now to make things clearer if anything ever went wrong - an insurance policy if you will. If we didn't have our daughter we wouldn't be getting married, because there wouldn't really be any major benefit to it. But that still doesn't mean that we are and have not been committed to each other ever since we got together.

Thanks for your great post. I like the way you say our relationship should be given the respect it deserves.

People should really love with modern times.

team_actimel

GingerLily wrote: »

There could be a specific reason why they don't want to name all guests (e.g. partner of a newly separated family member etc.) so making a rule is easier and offends less people.

If you ever decide to have a wedding you'll find out first hand how difficult it can be.

I don't understand how people can make a rule in that regard. Other guests won't know what way your invite was addressed.

irelandrover

team_actimel wrote: »

I don't understand how people can make a rule in that regard. Other guests won't know what way your invite was addressed.

People talk, it's easier to have a standard rule in these cases as someone will always get offended. At least if there is a rule you have a defence when they do get offended.

I'm curious why you care what way the invitation was addressed?

team_actimel

Toots wrote: »

Would it be possible that they put +guest on it in case you weren't able to come, and it would give your boyfriend an option to bring a friend or relative instead of going alone?

I know + guest is the official way to do it, but when I got married anyone in long term relationships had the names of both parties on the invitation.

Your method would be the one I'd use if I was to ever do up wedding invitations. That's what I would have thought most people would use. I had never thought some would only put in names of married plus ones.

team_actimel

irelandrover wrote: »

People talk, it's easier to have a standard rule in these cases as someone will always get offended. At least if there is a rule you have a defence when they do get offended.

I'm curious why you care what way the invitation was addressed?

Since my name isn't on the invite (since it's just '+Guest'), I'm not really invited so yeah I care.

Mrs OBumble

OP, until you actually marry your BF, then you are simply his current GF or BF. Whether your currency has lasted for 10 minutes or 10 years is irrelevant, it can end in an instant.

So that's how I'd address invitations too.

(The GF of one of my cousins got quite annoyed at a wedding when she noticed that everyone was introducing her as his current girlfriend. Eventually she copped that they weren't being rude, just giving her a warning about just how hard she'd have to work if she wanted to keep hold of him, based on his previous behaviour.)

team_actimel

Tigger wrote: »

i see

however you somethimes log in as one poster then say something and then log in as the other and thank it?


http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=104108947&postcount=98

lol acually you do it the other way round all the time

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=103688694#post103688694

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=103678856#post103678856

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=103605169#post103605169

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=103390940#post103390940

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/search.php?searchid=28903936&pp=25

the list is huge

I must have a lot of time on my hands.

And you evidently have way more time than me.

meeeeh

team_actimel wrote: »

Since my name isn't on the invite (since it's just '+Guest'), I'm not really invited so yeah I care.

Would you be invited if you split up with your oh?

padser

Tigger wrote: »

i see

however you somethimes log in as one poster then say something and then log in as the other and thank it?


http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=104108947&postcount=98

lol acually you do it the other way round all the time

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=103688694#post103688694

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=103678856#post103678856

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=103605169#post103605169

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=103390940#post103390940

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/search.php?searchid=28903936&pp=25

the list is huge

And there was me wondering why no one ever likes my posts......

I obviously need some old dormant accounts and a bad habit of logging into them.......because to be fair, whenever I read over my own posts.....I fricken love them!!!!!

TherapyBoy

Problem solved OP! Maybe they just don't know which name you're currently using!

team_actimel

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP, until you actually marry your BF, then you are simply his current GF or BF. Whether your currency has lasted for 10 minutes or 10 years is irrelevant, it can end in an instant.

So that's how I'd address invitations too.

(The GF of one of my cousins got quite annoyed at a wedding when she noticed that everyone was introducing her as his current girlfriend. Eventually she copped that they weren't being rude, just giving her a warning about just how hard she'd have to work if she wanted to keep hold of him, based on his previous behaviour.)

That is a ridiculous statement.

I have never heard someone being described as someone's 'current GF or BF' unless we're talking about Leonardo DiCaprio.

So if you're with someone almost 10 years you describe them as a 'current partner'? Get out of it.

team_actimel

padser wrote: »

And there was me wondering why no one ever likes my posts......

I obviously need some old dormant accounts and a bad habit of logging into them.......because to be fair, whenever I read over my own posts.....I fricken love them!!!!!

See it was as when some people like their own post on Facebook, only this way is a lot less subtle. :P

Tigger

team_actimel wrote: »

I must have a lot of time on my hands.

And you evidently have way more time than me.

You have no idea

lawred2

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP, until you actually marry your BF, then you are simply his current GF or BF. Whether your currency has lasted for 10 minutes or 10 years is irrelevant, it can end in an instant.

So that's how I'd address invitations too.

(The GF of one of my cousins got quite annoyed at a wedding when she noticed that everyone was introducing her as his current girlfriend. Eventually she copped that they weren't being rude, just giving her a warning about just how hard she'd have to work if she wanted to keep hold of him, based on his previous behaviour.)

A decade is enough to maybe earn the right not to be denigrated by a term so loose as 'current partner' wouldn't you think?

And a child in the mix to boot!

irelandrover

team_actimel wrote: »

Since my name isn't on the invite (since it's just '+Guest'), I'm not really invited so yeah I care.

How long should someone be with their partner before they get the names on the invite?

Or is it if the couple have met the partner a few times?

scarepanda

Mrs OBumble wrote:

.... it can end in an instant.

A marriage can be over in an instant as well, so the length of a relationship is a very important detail.

Just because a couple make a decision to not get married after a couple of years of being together does not make the relationship any less important or significant or stable than a marriage.

meeeeh

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP, until you actually marry your BF, then you are simply his current GF or BF. Whether your currency has lasted for 10 minutes or 10 years is irrelevant, it can end in an instant.

So that's how I'd address invitations too.

(The GF of one of my cousins got quite annoyed at a wedding when she noticed that everyone was introducing her as his current girlfriend. Eventually she copped that they weren't being rude, just giving her a warning about just how hard she'd have to work if she wanted to keep hold of him, based on his previous behaviour.)

I know a girl who had same attitude. In the time we are together she met a man, got engaged, got married, had a child and is getting divorced. It seems her relationship was a lot more current. You don't need an official stamp to be in long term committed relationship.

scarepanda

irelandrover wrote:

People talk, it's easier to have a standard rule in these cases as someone will always get offended. At least if there is a rule you have a defence when they do get offended.

In Ireland it doesn't matter a damn what you do or don't do when organising a wedding, you will offend or insult someone somewhere along the line.

GingerLily

I've seen named guests before breakup right before a wedding and not know where they stand on the invitation itself - it's a lot cleaner to give a plus one when that guests would not be invited solo.

Definitely don't go if your insulted by the invite, it'll save the B&G a lot of potential drama on the day.

team_actimel

GingerLily wrote: »

I've seen named guests before breakup right before a wedding and not know where they stand on the invitation itself - it's a lot cleaner to give a plus one when that guests would not be invited solo.

Definitely don't go if your insulted by the invite, it'll save the B&G a lot of potential drama on the day.

Potential drama? Hmm, that's a strange one.

Nervous Wreck

team_actimel wrote: »

Potential drama? Hmm, that's a strange one.

Not really. If you're going in with a complex about not being named on the invitation, there's potential for that to manifest in your attitude, whether you mean it to or not...

wirelessdude01

OP, can't really see what the issue is. IMO you are creating an issue where none exists. Don't go if you are going to have a sulk over it.

witchgirl26

OP it could be something as simple as they were bulk writing invites and not actually thinking and just putting + Guest onto everyone that was getting a 2 person invite. I've had that happen from really close friends who just said that they essentially wrote the same thing on every single invite to save themselves messing up and putting a wrong name without thinking.

Is it annoying, course. You'd like to receive the invite addressed to you and your partner but at the end of the day what should matter is if you'd like to go or not and honestly, is it really the end of the world? If you're together that long, then everyone will know who you are at the wedding. It's not like the place-card at the table said "Guest" or something.

team_actimel

witchgirl26 wrote: »

OP it could be something as simple as they were bulk writing invites and not actually thinking and just putting + Guest onto everyone that was getting a 2 person invite. I've had that happen from really close friends who just said that they essentially wrote the same thing on every single invite to save themselves messing up and putting a wrong name without thinking.

Is it annoying, course. You'd like to receive the invite addressed to you and your partner but at the end of the day what should matter is if you'd like to go or not and honestly, is it really the end of the world? If you're together that long, then everyone will know who you are at the wedding. It's not like the place-card at the table said "Guest" or something.

Thanks for your input, it was nice reading your post.
I hadn't thought of it like that they would put in guest to save messing things open. A moment of clarity.

To the other posters who state I shouldn't go, dramatic much?

This is a discussion forum and I was curious to see other peoples views on wedding invite etiquette and it was interesting to see various viewpoints.

scarepanda

GingerLily wrote:

I've seen named guests before breakup right before a wedding and not know where they stand on the invitation itself - it's a lot cleaner to give a plus one when that guests would not be invited solo.

With that logic you should only name the party you are inviting irrespective of whether they are married or not.

wirelessdude01

team_actimel wrote: »

To the other posters who state I shouldn't go, dramatic much?

Well I wouldn't want you at my wedding if you feel so badly about an invite with the potential to cause upset. Have a think about the reasons(s) why you are annoyed over this.

scarepanda

witchgirl26 wrote:

OP it could be something as simple as they were bulk writing invites and not actually thinking and just putting + Guest onto everyone that was getting a 2 person invite. I've had that happen from really close friends who just said that they essentially wrote the same thing on every single invite to save themselves messing up and putting a wrong name without thinking.

I can understand this logic, but if I knew this was the case I would feel like I was only being invited as a cashcow to pay for the wedding. And if that was the case why would I go? It not like the couple would miss me, just the money laden card.

I know just how stressful organising a wedding is. But surely, if your inviting someone to your wedding they should mean something to you and if you didn't know the name of your guests OH (obviously not the case here) that you would go to the effort of finding that out?

.......

This post has been deleted.

team_actimel

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Well I wouldn't want you at my wedding if you feel so badly about an invite with the potential to cause upset. Have a think about the reasons(s) why you are annoyed over this.

If this was your wedding then clearly you wouldn't know how I feel about it?
This is an anonymous internet forum where in various threads people post things that they wouldn't dare say to anyone IRL.

I don't view the couple in a negative light or anything so no danger of anything bad being said or negative attitude etc.

irelandrover

team_actimel wrote: »

If this was your wedding then clearly you wouldn't know how I feel about it?
This is an anonymous internet forum where in various threads people post things that they wouldn't dare say to anyone IRL.

I don't view the couple in a negative light or anything so no danger of anything bad being said or negative attitude etc.

How long do you think you should be with your partner before your name is added to the invite?

team_actimel

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

No it's not too hard to spell plus they're friends with me on Facebook if they needed to check.

Oh no, I wouldn't get my partner to do that, don't want to cause any weirdness.

team_actimel

irelandrover wrote: »

How long do you think you should be with your partner before your name is added to the invite?

I'd probably put the plus ones' names down for all invites to be fair.

GingerLily

team_actimel wrote: »

I'd probably put the plus ones' names down for all invites to be fair.

When you get married you should do that!

wirelessdude01

team_actimel wrote: »

I'd probably put the plus ones' names down for all invites to be fair.

How long would they have to be with the person to be worthy of having their name written?