How do i get rid of these ****ting birds

Specialun

Not the 2 legged type...

Bascailly there is a birds nest at the very top of my house..must be 40-50 ft high. I think the fcukers have been having too much curry or a few dodgy pints of stout coz for the last 2 weeks theyve been flat out sh!tting down onto my bikes or the ground. The dogs must be finding this sh!t as an hallucinogenic as they keep wanting to lick it. I have asked the birds to kindky vacate but this has not worked. I dont want to shoot em as im not a bad bastard. Im also afraid of heights nor do i have a ladder to go that high

Any ideas on how i get em to fcuk off..or else just stop fcuking sh!ting

refusetolose

drone

How many legs do these birds have? :O

Armchair Andy

Shine the sun with a mirror in their right eye at exactly a half hour before they're due to sh1t. 29 minutes or 31 won't do, has to be bang on 30.


You're welcome.

Specialun

Specialun wrote: »

Not the 2 legged type...

Bascailly there is a birds nest at the very top of my house..must be 40-50 ft high. I think the fcukers have been having too much curry or a few dodgy pints of stout coz for the last 2 weeks theyve been flat out sh!tting down onto my bikes or the ground. The dogs must be finding this sh!t as an hallucinogenic as they keep wanting to lick it. I have asked the birds to kindky vacate but this has not worked. I dont want to shoot em as im not a bad bastard. Im also afraid of heights nor do i have a ladder to go that high

Any ideas on how i get em to fcuk off..or else just stop fcuking sh!ting

You can get shotgun cartridges that are filled with salt. Put them in your shotgun and shoot them. It will flitter them but won't damage your house.

gw80

Specialun wrote: »

Not the 2 legged type...

Bascailly there is a birds nest at the very top of my house..must be 40-50 ft high. I think the fcukers have been having too much curry or a few dodgy pints of stout coz for the last 2 weeks theyve been flat out sh!tting down onto my bikes or the ground. The dogs must be finding this sh!t as an hallucinogenic as they keep wanting to lick it. I have asked the birds to kindky vacate but this has not worked. I dont want to shoot em as im not a bad bastard. Im also afraid of heights nor do i have a ladder to go that high

Any ideas on how i get em to fcuk off..or else just stop fcuking sh!ting

As opposed to four legged birds, dont all birds, human and avian only have two legs?

As to your problem, maybe they have some fleglings that are being a bit more active at the moment, will probably leave the nest soon enought, ya might have to just wait it out for another week or so

mf240

Specialun wrote: »

Not the 2 legged type...

g

Are you sure they have more than two legs?

Fr_Dougal

Might sound drastic, but you're going to have to burn your house down.

Specialun

If i look up to count their legs they will sh!t into my eyes.

Theyre literally like a tap ... a sh!tty tap

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

As it's illegal to disturb any nesting birds, you are stuck with them until the young fledge. That can be two or three weeks depending on the species. Can you put a shelf up to catch the droppings?

gw80

Fight fire with fire,

Blast them with piss,

snowflaker

Get a cat! Mine has decimated the bird population near me- and loves showing me! Brown bin!

Atoms for Peace

Who are you? What are you? Where did you come from? I think you're the cause of all of this. I think you're evil. EVIL!

buried

This is an outrage. Get over your fear of heights and hire a good long ladder and go right up there and strangle the twats with your bare hands. You'll get great karma for doing that. How dare these filthy twats be poo poo'n all on top of your bike. Disgraceful. Strangle these criminals. Strangle with extreme prejudice, and hang them up there on the roof as an example to any other creature what has any designs poo-poo'n all over your bike what you can't move anywhere else.

Specialun

Valentino Chilly Smokehouse wrote: »

As it's illegal to disturb any nesting birds, you are stuck with them until the young fledge. That can be two or three weeks depending on the species. Can you put a shelf up to catch the droppings?

Ah yeah i can imagine the cop station up the road calling to my door alright..leading me to the cop car with my hands handcuffed behind my back. "You're charged with disturbing a birds nest sir "

mf240

Specialun wrote: »

Ah yeah i can imagine the cop station up the road calling to my door alright..leading me to the cop car with my hands handcuffed behind my back. "You're charged with disturbing a birds nest sir "

Birds nest related crimes are dealt with by the special branch.

Water John

Some house, it's five stories high. Must be hard running up and down those stairs.
If you climb the stairs to the top story you won't be far away from them.
Patience, two weeks, you'll be free.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Specialun wrote: »

Ah yeah i can imagine the cop station up the road calling to my door alright..leading me to the cop car with my hands handcuffed behind my back. "You're charged with disturbing a birds nest sir "

You may scoff sir, but I've attended just such court cases.

Avatar MIA

refusetolose wrote: »

drone

I know. Drone, drone drone. Stop droning on OP. Shít happens!

gitzy16v

Ill give you a loan of a barge pole i have....but I wouldnt touch 'em with it!

mf240

Shoot one and the rest will go to the funeral.

InTheTrees

You buy a model of an Owl. Very common way of scaring off birds.

Google "owl decoy".

corner of hells

Valentino Chilly Smokehouse wrote: »

Specialun wrote: »

Ah yeah i can imagine the cop station up the road calling to my door alright..leading me to the cop car with my hands handcuffed behind my back. "You're charged with disturbing a birds nest sir "

You may scoff sir, but I've attended just such court cases.

Indeed you have , in fact in some countries , judges are affectionately known as " the Beak".

OP , my own suggestion would be to strip naked , pour glue over yourself and apply a liberal dose of bird seed to yourself.
The birds when they land on you to get the seed should stick to you because of the glue.

Your welcome.

Sam Kade

Specialun wrote: »

If i look up to count their legs they will sh!t into my eyes.

Theyre literally like a tap ... a sh!tty tap

You meant to say the feathered kind

diomed

Here is a really clever solution.
After considering all variables and doing a few calculations the conclusion is cover your bikes until the birds go away.

Water John

A fellow over in motors has a problem with bird poo too. Ye'd better get together. Get the Mods to blend threads.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057764412

WoollyRedHat

Call the fire brigade.

jamesbere

Nuke them

InTheTrees

Owl bird scarers:

http://www.ebay.co.uk/bhp/owl-bird-scarer

evolving_doors

Throw up a loada fine white pepper.
They'll sniff it .. sneeze... bash their heads off the tiles.
Repeat till they get pi55ed off and leave.

Cutie 3.14

Airsoft Rifle.....

But seriously a bit of bird poo in the grand scheme of things is no big deal, just be glad you have your health

Jimoslimos

Valentino Chilly Smokehouse wrote: »

You may scoff sir, but I've attended just such court cases.

I believe you're good friends with the D.A.

Car99

I know some people that can make these birds dissapear for a small fee no questions asked. PM me for details.

FanadMan

Valentino Chilly Smokehouse wrote: »

As it's illegal to disturb any nesting birds, you are stuck with them until the young fledge. That can be two or three weeks depending on the species. Can you put a shelf up to catch the droppings?

I have a tree outside the house whose branches could soon be threatening power cables. Contacted Electric Ireland a few weeks ago as they would be the only ones allowed to cut so close to the cables. When I told them that there is an active magpie nest in the tree, they flat out refused to go near it until the birds are fully fledged and the nest is deserted.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Jimoslimos wrote: »

I believe you're good friends with the D.A.

I have no idea what that means.

SEPT 23 1989

Call in the Crowman

enda1

Valentino Chilly Smokehouse wrote: »

I have no idea what that means.

David Attenborough/ District Attorney pun I do believe

RobertKK

They are probably lovely swallows and will be going on their holidays in 6 to 8 weeks time or so, when gone remove nest.
Maybe they are swifts, but simple thing is not to leave your stuff under their toilet.

Kimbot

Get a super soaker 500, fill with petrol, blast petrol towards nest, take lighter from pocket, ignite lighter and thrown down on petrol as you casually walk away :pac:

Isn't feeding them bread soda meant to be fun or something?

Here is a song for you anyway. There is always time for Tom Lehrer.

Boom_Bap

Feckin Crows

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

enda1 wrote: »

David Attenborough/ District Attorney pun I do believe

Oh, right ! Hilarious.

Jimoslimos

enda1 wrote: »

David Attenborough/ District Attorney pun I do believe

Indeed.

Went too cryptic.