Is he a jerk. Yes or no?

Ireland09

I will try keep this short: 
Moved in with guy I have been dating for 8 months now (yes, v fast but I left the country, came back for a job offer and planned to get own place but ended up staying). 

2 events have happened, and I was wrong in second one so I welcome criticism: 

1. Was using his phone (in front of him) to look up something we were discussing...his history popped up and in it was a recently visited dating website. He straight away deleted his account to show me how it wasnt a big deal and said he was checking notifications he had received...not messaging other girls. 

2. Noticed he was v distracted with his phone one Sat. Then next day, (he works some Sundays) he was gone literally all day as after work was catching up with mutual friend... and me, after the dating site experience, I was a little on edge. 
So few days later, I did awful thing and checked his phone, I know and I apologised for being an aeful human being to him for doing this. 
Found following: 
- He had bought a plane ticket for a girl to fly her into the city we live in. 
- Text messages to her, she wanted to see her dad, who she didnt get to see as he was working. 
- My bf called her 'baby' and had kiss emojis sent to her. 

So, after confronting him, he told me he sends all his female friends kiss emojis and calls them baby etc....which after showing me an example he does...I said it was weird  
Second to explain the girl.....she was a friend, she needed to come to uk to sort passport out with her dad or something...needed my bf to help her, he bought her the ticket to help. Said he didnt meet her on the sunday when she arrived in, he did meet her after work however and the girl paid him back for the plane ticket (showed me the cash as he never carries cash).
BF is super annoyed over the fact that I cant understand to see how he was just helping out a friend. 

Finally, this is something i didnt confront him over...he has pictures of said friend (the girl) in his phone, a whole folder of her. Dont worry, not x rated :O Just back when she & her friend came to visit him, basically loads of selfies etc etc.

So, what do you think?

Dial Hard

Ireland09 wrote:

So, what do you think?

I think he's playing you like a fiddle and you should dump his lying ass immediately.

As for checking his phone - you've nothing to feel sorry for there, imo. You had PC as far as I'm concerned.

Big Bag of Chips

Whether he's a jerk or not is probably irrelevant. The fact is there are things about him and his dealings with his friends that bother you. Some people might be fine in a relationship like that, others won't be. And that's completely the prerogative of the individual person.

You'll probably get people telling you you're wrong, it's innocent, if it was a male friend would it bother you etc etc... But that doesn't matter. It sounds like you two are very different and gave different ideas. That's fine. Neither of you are necessarily wrong, just different. And not suited

Penny Tration

At best, he has absolutely no concept of normal boundaries with women while he's in a relationship, at worst he's playing you like a fiddle.

Neither are things I'd accept, so its up to you to decide if you're happy to accept the best case scenario

RoebuckWilson

Out the gap! If you're not being messed with, I'll buy yer own a plane ticket myself.

I totally understand your predicament on checking the phone too. My own sense is that if he brings out this behavior in you whether he is or he isn't is somewhat secondary. It's not good for anyone to feel continously insecure in their relationship.

Hope you can find it to walk away

ShaShaBear

Jesus, he sounds like my ex. Right down to the named folders of pictures of women!
I mean like, I'm actually quite confident its him :eek:

While it's likely not him, I dated a lad who behaved very like this. Insisted that he messaged all his female friends like that and was able to prove to me that he did. What I was able to find out on my own was that he was only friends with girls he was hoping to sleep with, hence why he sent this to all of them. He was also more than willing to go above and beyond for these female "friends" but never in the same vein for me. It really sounds like your boyfriend has you for a mug. While checking his phone was indeed wrong, I can 100% see why you did it, because no one "checks notifications" on an active dating website. You get a notification, think "Oh crap, totally forgot about that" and delete it because you're in a relationship now. Like you, I would find distrust inspired and would probably be tempted to do the same.

The fact is, you don't trust him. Even if he is 100% honest, his behaviour toward other women is a bit odd and wouldn't be something I could personally accept in a relationship. I think you know what needs to be done, for your own sake.

daithi7

Walk.

368100

Get rid.......he has some cheek expecting you to swallow that fairy tale

Magenta90

OK, I dont blame you for checking his phone, you just had to make sure and get that closure you needed. But your gut feeling was right, there was something fishy going on. Its sounds very strange he would even buy her a ticket and the kisses, NO. You would know if he was that friendly with other girls. My advise, move on before it gets too serious with him. hope you get on okay

mapaca

If it was all innocent, and he was just "helping out a friend", then why did he not just tell you about it from the start?

Carlos Orange

Could be entirely innocent on his part but either way I don't see things lasting if you are going to be checking his phone every time he goes to the bathroom.

Jobs OXO

No

mojesius

Run a mile. He sounds like a headwrecker who doesn't inspire trust.

_Roz_

I'd run. Is he a jerk? I can't answer that, it depends on your perspective. Yes, he's a jerk if he's messing you around, but maybe his relationships with other people are just really, really weird, and that's the way he is.

What IS a major flag here is that it bothers you, that you would want to know this kind of information (if he were legit, which he's probably not to be fair) and he didn't tell you. Whether or not he's a jerk, he doesn't seem like the guy for you.

Ireland09

Thank you all  It has been a stressful few days with a lot of useless fights. 

I'm looking for a new flat (by myself). Cannot wait to find it and move on now, Im looking forward to what the future holds...hopefully not this/a dude like this again !

LolaJJ

Best of luck OP, just seeing this now but had a previous relationship with another version of this guy......had an explanation for everything that I stupidly accepted and was always left feeling like I was a little crazy. But actually, it's perfectly rational to feel the way you do and I did.

Very bizarre to be in a co-habiting relationship where your other half doesn't even mention that he's bought flights for someone, if it's really innocent.

Best of luck, don't look back

homerjay2005

Penny Tration wrote: »

At best, he has absolutely no concept of normal boundaries with women while he's in a relationship

so you think its not acceptable for a guy in a relationship, to treat a female friend the same as a male friend?

what defines normal boundaries? id consider it normal to lend a good friend money and meet them for a while one evening.

Penny Tration

homerjay2005 wrote: »

so you think its not acceptable for a guy in a relationship, to treat a female friend the same as a male friend?

what defines normal boundaries? id consider it normal to lend a good friend money and meet them for a while one evening.

Where did I say that?

If my boyfriend were looking up male friends on dating sites, buying men plane tickets, and calling men "baby" through text, I'd be equally suspicious and also think his sexuality was in question.


Or did you miss those big, glaring, neon red flags?

meeeeh

homerjay2005 wrote: »

so you think its not acceptable for a guy in a relationship, to treat a female friend the same as a male friend?

what defines normal boundaries? id consider it normal to lend a good friend money and meet them for a while one evening.

Oh give me a break. I have a lot of friends of opposite sex. I never called them baby and they never called me that or anything similar. I also find it strange that a friend had to borrow money for ticket to fly in and sort out passport stuff with her father and then not meeting her father. At least that's how I understood op. Who goes through a hassle of that for no reason.