Boyfriend problem

Irishgirl12396

I've been seeing my current boyfriend for over a year but we've only been officially together for 6 months. A few weeks before we got together he slept with a girl we both know which I'm ok with because we weren't together, but he doesn't know I know about it - a friend told me. My problem is this girl posts literally almost naked photos of herself on social media and I saw that my boyfriend liked one of these photos today. I wouldn't consider myself a jealous person and I don't care what he does on the internet, I just saw it by chance scrolling but it makes me feel really uncomfortable and upset that he liked this photo. He doesn't even know I know they slept together so I don't even think I can tell him it upset me without seeming like a paranoid psycho but it's really bothering me. Advice please?

leggo

There's what I should tell you and what I'd actually do in real life.

What I should tell you: it's unfortunate that you know this but also what went on before you is none of your business. This doesn't count as cheating, although it's understandable you feel this way. It's tough sometimes when we're confronted with us, but partners are allowed to be attracted to other people, as long as they don't act on it. And I wouldn't count a like on Facebook as acting on it.

What I'd actually do in real life: I say when I get exclusive with someone and we have 'the chat' about what that means that I count texting, snapping someone with intent etc as cheating. 'No Plan Bs' is my rule. We all know what that means: people you keep sweet if the current relationship doesn't work out. If you're doing that, you're not committed in my mind. If it was me, I'd be having a strong chat and putting my cards on the table, regardless of how I look. But yeah, I could totally look like a psycho and it could totally work against me over something meaningless. The reality is that I've decided I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel that way ever, so if that means being single then so be it. That's me though, and I can't say for 100% sure that I'm right or better served with that attitude, hence me giving you two strands of thought here.

To unite the two points: you're allowed decide for yourself what's acceptable and what's not. For me it's not far off cheating. Others would be completely nonplussed by it. What matters is how you feel. So how do you feel, honestly and judgement free?

ahnow

I don't even know if it would be considered psycho behaviour on your part? You've been with him a while now, considering you know the context behind it all I don't really think it's very respectful behaviour on his part toward you. You could always just say that to him, mention that you know he's been with her, and that's none of you business, but given that context the liking of those types of photos shows a lack of respect for your relationship now, and makes you feel extremely uncomfortable. I can imagine if the roles were reversed he wouldn't like it if you did the same. It is what it is. Doesn't make you a psycho. It's not sound behaviour!

Irishgirl12396

I definitely do not consider it as cheating, I don't care about him liking girls photos, I like my friends photos who are lads all the time but I think there's a difference in that and liking a photo of someone who slept with.. We all have a past and I don't care about that either that's fine, but it kind of makes me look like a fool too if my boyfriend is liking photos like this of other girls, in my opinion.

The other day he was scrolling through his feed beside me and a photo of her like that came up again and he was slagging her to me, so I just find it weird that then two days later he's liking photos of her with no clothes.. I never wanted to be a crazy girlfriend though so don't even know how to bring it up in conversation that it's bothering me. Don't want a fight I just want him to know he can do what he wants but I'm just not cool with him liking photos of people he's slept with basically in the nip after laughing about them to me days beforehand.

ahnow

Well, it doesn't have to be a fight, it can be just a discussion, could just ask if yous could chat for a second about something that's been bothering you and go from there. I'd feel the same, if my friends saw my partner liking stuff like that on social media, I'd be embarrassed.

seenitall

So, he slags his ONS to his gf, and then later he "likes" her revealing pic, regardless of having a gf (whom he slagged the person to)? You have got yourself a keeper there - real classy and respectful behaviour, toward both of you.

I'm sorry, OP, but I feel that two-facedness and disrespect are some of the worst traits a person (a partner) can have. To summarise, I wouldn't be having sleepless nights over this guy's Facebook shenanigans. Quite to the contrary, if you know what I mean.

Augme

seenitall wrote: »

I'm sorry, OP, but I feel that two-facedness and disrespect are some of the worst traits a person (a partner) can have.

There are plenty of people who I think are complete idiots but would look hot naked. I've no idea how that makes me two faced.

seenitall

Augme wrote: »

There are plenty of people who I think are complete idiots but would look hot naked. I've no idea how that makes me two faced.

I am not getting into what people you think are hot idiots or how you feel about yourself for that. Slagging off the person who it wasn't beneath you to have sex with, to your (to your mind, unsuspecting) girlfriend, while simultaneously "liking" their Facebook output, is twofaced and disrespectful to both.

IMO (if that makes you feel less judged).

mordeith

As if liking a post on Facebook means anything these days. People just do it automatically at this stage
(I expect some likes for this post BTW)

Augme

seenitall wrote: »

I am not getting into what people you think are hot idiots or how you feel about yourself for that. Slagging off the person who it wasn't beneath you to have sex with, to your (to your mind, unsuspecting) girlfriend, while simultaneously "liking" their Facebook output, is twofaced and disrespectful to both.

IMO (if that makes you feel less judged).

I don't feel judged at all. I just think your way of thinking is quite strange really. If the OP is going to spend her time looking for a boyfriend who doesn't think a woman can be a dope and attractive at the same time then best of luck with that, she better get herself prepared to enjoy the single life.

seenitall

Augme wrote: »

I don't feel judged at all. I just think your way of thinking is quite strange really.

Likewise, really.

And if you think that there aren't any decent men out there who wouldn't think of behaving like that two faced guy, you don't know as much about men as you think you do. I've got one of those, for starters.

Bambi985

If it was me I'd probably just blurt it out. "Why did you like this picture of yer wan half naked? Isn't she the one you were slagging off saying how much of an idiot she was a few days ago?"

Just to gauge his reaction and show him that his behaviour on social media isn't invisible to everyone but said naked girl, as so many men seem to believe.

You can then ask him if it's ok for you to like posts of half naked men that you've slept with previously or are there any boundaries or levels of respect in your relationship at all.

We don't know the OP's boyfriend's relationship with this particular person. Maybe they're good friends who happened to have sex with them. These things happen. And he was perfectly within his right because he was single.

Now that he's in a relationship, he's still perfectly within his right to find "like" photos of people that he's friends with. It wouldn't necessarily be considered as disrespectful, because this person doesn't stop existing in the OP's life, just because he's in a relationship.

OP - don't get so bogged down in things like this. What is the rest of your relationship like? If everything is great and you're not worried about anything else, then just move on.

ShaShaBear

To be honest, whether he had slept with her or not, if I found my husband "liking" pictures of intentionally nude or mostly nude women posing on FB, I'd have serious words and would not be one bit impressed. I know the kind of photos the OP is referring to. Liking a picture of a girl you slept with is one thing. Liking a picture of her scantily clad or deliberately expressing her sexuality (which she is more than entitled to do) can bring the photo to other people's attention over FB. Parents, siblings, friends, work colleagues etc can see it depending on privacy settings (and people who post these kinds of photos generally don't have their pages on lock-down) and it's just shameful and disrespectful to the person sitting at home who has to wonder what's really going on.

For context, if my husband saw a photo like that on his newsfeed and pointed it out to me and said "Jaysus, yer one's smoking. But she's an awful dope" and that were the end of it, I'd pass absolutely no remarks. In the OP's case, seeing a photo of a woman you've had sex in a very revealing position or missing most of her attire is bound to be memory-provoking, and at the end of the day, you are declaring that you still "like" the content. Not what a girlfriend wants to see plastered on FB.

BetsyEllen

I have a friend who I had a ONS with once. Both single so no harm done.
We're still friends and nothing more.

If he posted a pic on Facebook or Instagram of himself doing something interesting or on holiday then I'd like it as I would any of my friends.

However if he posted a picture of himself posing with no top on, I wouldn't give it a like as firstly I wouldn't want to give him the wrong impression and secondly, I would be aware that other people will see my like and could then get the wrong impression too.

And I'm very single, no it's nothing to do with having respect for a partner.

I think whether he thinks the girl in question is a dope is irrelevant, you can think someone is an idiot but find them hot.
For example, Conor McGregor can be a right knob at times but jesus, that body! :P

If I was the OP I would also be a bit put out that he liked the girls pic, purely because it was one of her with little clothes on.
I'd mention it to him OP but make sure you do so in a way that isn't seen as possessive or clingy - just explain you know about the ONS and him liking her half naked picture made you feel uncomfortable and has been on your mind since.
He'll likely apologise and not do it again. No big deal.

If he gets the hump with you or continues to like her pictures then you've a bigger issue on your hands.