Long term boyfriend won't change his FB relationship status

killyourtv_

I don't care for changing FB relationship status but because he always brushed it off, I started caring and started to take it personally. I've been with him for over four years now and I feel like he doesn't respect my feelings, promises he'll do it but doesn't which upsets me but we don't bring it up really.

He's currently in a relationship with a guy friend (he hasn't seen him in years) and always tells me that he wants to tell his friend in person that he wants to change it. This always felt like a cop out because I've met this friend a few times and he wouldn't be offended if we made it public, especially because we've been together so long now.

He changed jobs recently and now has a lot more free time to hang out with friends and we spend a few days apart each week.. but it has been two months and nothing. I know it's only Facebook and it's silly, but it's making me question why he refuses to change it. How do I approach this going forward?

ManOfMystery

I'm a little confused by your post. You are in a relationship with this guy for 4 years, right? But you also say he's currently in a relationship with a guy friend? Is this a serious relationship, as in do your friends and family all know him, or is it casual? Do you have photos of you together online on social media, or other things which let the world know you're a couple? 

That aside ..................... social media is social media. Nothing less, nothing more. When social media starts dictating to you how well your relationship is going - rather than things like how well you get on together in person, for example - then you have an issue, because it is absolutely not a reliable barometer of anything. People don't update their social media, others only use it sparsely or check in once a month, others only post happy selfies which don't give an accurate reflection of how their lives really are, etc etc. It is not the best way to gauge how your relationship is. 

If you other half only uses it sparsely then it may just be a case that he hasn't updated his status or keeps forgetting to do it. I used to use FB a lot more than I do now and even then I never really remembered to go in and update things like my job changes, or when I got engaged, etc. It was very low down my list of priorities, as it should be. If he decided tomorrow that he wasn't going to use Facebook any more, for example, and signed off - then your relationship status on that particular social media would be null and void. Would that have any bearing on your real relationship? Hopefully not. That's my point - it doesn't matter.

leggo

Facebook relationship statuses are just an extra thing to fight about (case in point). I'll change mine when I'm engaged or married, maybe. Your best bet OP is seeing how little of a deal this is and how nobody else actually cares about anyone else's status. You're adding strain to your relationship when there doesn't need to be any.

baby and crumble

I don't think I've ever once looked at my friends "relationship status" on FB.

Mine is "correct" because I changed it when I got engaged (handy way to let folks know because it comes up on their timeline). But otherwise meh.

I am confused by the whole "he's in a relationship with a guy friend" thing. That reminds me of the "significant other" thing on Bebo years back. Bit weird if you ask me. Is he actually in a relationship with him, and you're a side thing? Or is it a mutual open relationship, or is it just a "hahah, we're "in a relationship on facebook, how hilarious!" thing?

woodchuck

You said it yourself; it's only Facebook and it's silly.

Assuming there are no other issues (e.g. hiding your relationship from friends/family) I'd let it go.

When I got into a relationship I asked the OH if he would be ok if I updated my Facebook status to reflect that. Turns out he'd prefer not to. He's just not one of these people who plasters his life all over social media and that's fine. Everyone knows we're a couple though, you don't need a Facebook status to make it real!

LegacyUser

I assume what you mean about his current status is that it's one of those "hilarious" ones where two straight friends say they are in relationship. If that's the case, the fact that he won't change it without telling his friend in person escalates what should be a "so what?" to "well that's odd". I doubt his friend would notice, or care, so it's just a handy excuse not to do it. The fact that he knows you care and has promised to do it should mean that he just does it without further excuse and I don't blame you for being a little put out that he hasn't.

zoobizoo

I didn't change mine when I started seeing someone.

I didn't change it when I got engaged.

I didn't change it when I got married.

My wife may have fraped me and changed it. I have no idea.


Why didn't I change it or have I "refused" to change it?
Because anyone who knows me well, ie my friends and family know that I was seeing her, got engaged to her and got married to her.

I think I even unfollowed my wife on FB.

I use FB to keep in touch with people whose numbers I don't have or who I met travelling - I don't use it as a device for keeping my family and friends updated about my life.

GingerLily

I think you should either update your relationship status or remove it - either option is acceptable IMO

osarusan

I don't think it's anything worth getting upset over, but I also think the reason he is giving for not changing it is nonsense.

It says he is in a relationship with a guy? Is this just a joke (I've seen that before on FB)?

Or is he bisexual/is this a gay relationship? In which case, was he in a relationship with that guy previously?

Nonsense that he needs to tell a mate in person that the joke relationship status is coming to an end...or nonsense that an actual relationship that has been over for years is something he won't change (for you, or for the other guy).

mojesius

I'm with my husband 6 years and we didn't bother with the fb relationship status stuff until we got married..more to let people far away know we tied the knot than anything.

Are there other issues in your relationship that make you worry about? Do you trust him completely? Has the relationship progressed in the years you've been together?

Lia_lia

I'm "engaged" with a friend of mine for the last 8 years or so. When myself and my ex broke up she sent me an engagement request for the laugh (we were young). Never changed it. Been with my boyfriend now for 5 years. He hasn't even mentioned it before. He's not a huge social media user so doesn't really care. It's only Facebook!

EagererBeaver

Lia_lia wrote: »

It's only Facebook!

And that right there is the long and short of it.

clairewithani

It's only Facebook but I see two options here.
Either
1. He has strong reasons for not changing it and if so should give strong reasons.
2. He doesn't care and if so why not change it? If it's important to his partner it's reason enough to change.

leggo

clairewithani wrote: »

He doesn't care and if so why not change it? If it's important to his partner it's reason enough to change.

To add balance, I could answer this. I've zero interest in relationship statuses but, if someone ever played this card with me ("I care and you don't so you should do what I'd say"), I'd instantly resist it, whatever the request or however small it was.

If it's something that doesn't have a direct impact on their or our life together, it's my business, be it my social media account or whatever. It's a dangerous precedent to set that someone can kick up a fuss and enforce unwanted change instead of them learning how to get past non-issues by themselves. The latter is always preferable to the former IMO.

clairewithani

leggo wrote: »

To add balance, I could answer this. I've zero interest in relationship statuses but, if someone ever played this card with me ("I care and you don't so you should do what I'd say"), I'd instantly resist it, whatever the request or however small it was.

If it's something that doesn't have a direct impact on their or our life together, it's my business, be it my social media account or whatever. It's a dangerous precedent to set that someone can kick up a fuss and enforce unwanted change instead of them learning how to get past non-issues by themselves. The latter is always preferable to the former IMO.

I didn't mean that at all. I am just saying that if I felt something was important to my partner that I didn't care at all about I would comply because their happiness would come before my stance. Obviously if they tried the emotional blackmail route, they would have no hope.

RoisinClare6

Been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He only uses Facebook for news type stuff and videos, we are in a relationship on it but I think he only did that so he could have a reminder for our anniversary!! It's not a big deal really, your nearest and dearest will know your together why does it matter beyond that?

clairewithani

RoisinClare6 wrote: »

Been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He only uses Facebook for news type stuff and videos, we are in a relationship on it but I think he only did that so he could have a reminder for our anniversary!! It's not a big deal really, your nearest and dearest will know your together why does it matter beyond that?

Your boyfriend acknowledged your relationship online and it's not a big deal to you anyway.
Can you see OP might be hurt in the circumstances that her partner won't and it matters to her?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you have a right to your feelings. We can't really control them. But think about exactly why this bothers you and then go to him with it. If you can't really put your finger on it, or the best reason you can come up with is 'just because' then I'd say let it go. None of your family or friends are checking your pages to see if you've updated your relationship status.

It's an optional extra, like listing your relationship to family members, or listing films you've watched, books you've read, music you like. It doesn't actually matter. I'm married. I haven't told Facebook! My 100 and something Facebook friends all know I'm married. I don't see the need to put it online too.

Also, when you update a status (where you work, relationship etc) it posts to news feeds, automatically, so if nobody has noticed you don't have a relationship status set, suddenly it's being broadcast to your friends list. And it's a bit cringey!! I updated something before and specifically ticked not to post to my page, or whatever the option is, and it did anyway. I then had a few people 'liking' and commenting, so in the end deleted the update!!

Why does it bother you? Is it because you think he is trying to hide your relationship? Is it because you think he doesn't want people knowing you are in a relationship? Does he use Facebook a lot? Is he one of those who put his every waking thought online? Or is he more a browser? You can't help feeling bothered about something. But you need to explore the reasons and then see if you've a point, or you're being a little unreasonable.

ellie1

You asked "How to approach this going forward?"

Delete Facebook.

If you stay with this man, get married and have children etc you may face issues such as financial hardship, illness, heartache, death..

Strip it all back and remember to enjoy your time together, laugh, experience , have fun, share dreams and stories...

Life is precious , don't waste it thinking , wondering and analyzing this bull**** . It means nothing. When Facebook wasn't around , nobody announced their coupledom and other than the general "ah that's great so and so met somebody" nobody cares.

Open your eyes and look around you. People are homeless , look what has happened in London, look at North Korea. Look at the bigger picture.

You have have a nice man who I presume you love and care about. Is that enough? It's more than a lot have. Is it so important that Facebook knows this!?

ShaShaBear

I'm just going to play Devil's Advocate here and say I fully understand why it's annoying you, OP.

I've got an ex that was just like this. No problems being seen in public with me or being affectionate - I met his family, was his +1, we hung around with his friends (some of which are still good friends of mine years after we broke up). But refused to change his relationship status. Now, I say refused - After we were together about a year, someone asked me if I was still single (someone interested) and I wasn't aware that the status could be hidden, so I changed it and tried to "tag" my boyfriend in it. He text me and said he wasn't changing it and that was that. I found it very odd, but later discovered that he had an online dating account and didn't want people he was trying to shag look for him on FB and see he was in a relationship :pac:
Now, I am absolutely NOT saying that is what your partner is up to - just wanted to point out that, in my opinion, whether or not you have a right to be upset is irrelevant. You're upset or you are not. Either your partner is willing to compromise to alleviate the upset, or he isn't. In your case, you are upset and he knows it, but refuses to do anything about it. You're right to wonder why!

Jurgen Klopp

To be honest it's a handy way of making sure any new women you start talking don't know your in a relationship as they'd cop it obviously once they add you

racso1975

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

To be honest it's a handy way of making sure any new women you start talking don't know your in a relationship as they'd cop it obviously once they add you

For that to be the case he'd have to be adding no pics of him and her together or getting annoyed if he is tagged in pictures with her when she or friends post them.

End of the day is this a deal breaker? I would think not. If it is to you op then I would worry about how much weight you put on social media versus how he treats you in real life!!!

Dial Hard

Jurgen Klopp wrote:

To be honest it's a handy way of making sure any new women you start talking don't know your in a relationship as they'd cop it obviously once they add you

If this is the reason behind it then a Facebook status is the least of her relationship worries.

readyletsgo

'He's currently in a relationship with a guy friend (he hasn't seen him in years) and always tells me that he wants to tell his friend in person that he wants to change it.’

OP, can you clear this part up for us please?

My opinion, I'm not on Facebook, left about 3 years ago(deleted my account, but it's never actually gone which is a c$#t), hate it, and everything that it stands for in today's shallow society.

But, when my partner asked if he could change his Status on FB to in a relationship with my name on it, albeit, not linking to a profile, I was all like 'knock yourself out' as I know it means a lot to him, but absolutely nothing to me.

So, it means something to him if he wants to 'speak' to his 'guyfriend' about it before he changes it, that's odd for a straight male.

Facebook: Preying on people's insecurities and causing pointless arguments with couples since 2004.

OP, it's a pointless little thing that means absolutely nothing in the real world. Have you met his family? Has he met yours? Have you met each other's friends? Have you been to events together?

If the answer to all the above is yes, then he's not hiding you away. He's not ashamed. The world knows you're in a relationship. Don't get so bogged down by something so small.

jorje123456

[font=q_serif, Georgia, Times, "Times New Roman", serif]Well, the easiest way would be to break up with him, so that his relationship status would be correctly displayed.If the question is really “how do you force the other person in a relationship to give in to your will?”, then I think he should keep his status the way it is. astrologypandit.com/[/font]

Augme

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Either your partner is willing to compromise to alleviate the upset, or he isn't. In your case, you are upset and he knows it, but refuses to do anything about it. You're right to wonder why!

The problem is the OP isn't asking the boyfriend to compromise. Compromise is

an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

The OP is making demands. The OP isn't making any concessions in this instance. Which could be the exact reason the OP boyfriend is brushing her off as delicately as possible.

Ursus Horribilis

It's a ridiculous thing for him to stand his ground on as well. I don't know what the answer is other than to talk to him (which you have). I get the feeling this runs far deeper than a Facebook status

strandroad

I can see OP's point.

Personally I don't care about FB status, but her boyfriend clearly does and quite to the extreme if he won't take his friend off it without having a big conversation.

If he said "I don't do the status thing at all" it would be fair enough, but if he does, just not for her, there is some bull****ting going on.