26years pining.....

Big Bag of Chips

So, what if you had written? What if you been able? Something else would have happened that made her decide it wasn't worth going on. Honestly, she just wasn't that in to you!! Simple.

You are completely contradicting yourself too, saying your wife abandoned you and was cold and indifferent to you, and then claiming you know she loves you as much as you love E...

Seriously, just cop on now.

You're either delusional or having a great laugh at everyone taking time to advise you. You clearly have your own little narrative going on in your head. Which makes zero sense to anybody reading this. And you are unwilling to be swayed. After pages of unanimous advice and opinion you came back saying you had it "figured out" and your great idea was to write her a letter. I don't know if you're honestly that clueless, or if you know exactly what you're doing, but either way it's a waste of time replying to you anymore.

Good luck.

Penny Tration

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

On the letters etc.

I still cannot write, Google often doesn't even have a suggestion for the word in trying to spell... I sometimes even use a different word if I can't figure out a close spelling.
I can type, because of spell check, then I rewrite and rewrite before posting. You cannot do that with paper.

I spent every penny I earned in phone calls and saving for hpilday flights for the summer etc. I gave everything I could but the letters let her down, It was always in ber letters asking me to write and how disappointed & let down she was not getting those letters.

Sorry but I call bull.


You're not illiterate, that's evident from this thread, and your clear ability to read the responses.


If your spelling was that terrible, you had the option of asking a friend or family member spell for you when you got stuck. The long and short of it is, you didn't bother.

Hannibal_Smith

OP you have to shake yourself. You really do.

1. You are in complete denial about your own marriage. There is no way you can say you have never emotionally abandoned your wife. You have loved and pined after another woman for the entire time you've known your wife. That is not showing dedication or devotion to your wife. That is absolutely emotionally abandoning her. OK. Maybe that's a bit strong, but you certainly weren't emotionally involved with her. You couldn't have been, if by your own admission, you have never moved on or accepted the end of your previous relationship. How could you possibly be emotionally involved with your wife when your emotions were clearly placed elsewhere. It is she you made your vows to and she is who deserved your loyalty. Not E.

2. On to E. I'm not sure whether I misunderstood you point here. But E did abandon you. She dumped you for not writing to her often enough. The flimsiest of reasons! Your wife has stood by you for 20 years. Yet a woman who couldn't stick with you for even half that, has earned your life long love and affection? How is that right?

3. You cannot depend on yourself to get you through the mourning process. It has taken you 20 years to accept a relationship is over. How can you say the mourning process won't take another 20 years.

Life is far too short for this. You don't have to go it alone. You can seek help with it. Whether through a friend or counsellor. They can help you through it so you don't torture yourself for too much longer and so you can finally deal in the now and learn to enjoy it. No one deserves to suffer like you are, but I think you for sure need help in finding the skills to get through it.

If you have issues with your wife and your marriage and if that is causing you misery, you don't have to be a martyr. Staying together out of 'loyalty' is not the answer. Getting over E may have been so hard you don't want to face something like that again? But your marriage for sure needs looking at.

seenitall

Hi OP,

What I think has happened with you, is you married the wrong person (going on by your account of how you tried to break it off with your wife, but she and others cajoled you into staying with her).

You "settled". It's sad, but it happens. But your consciousness wasn't strong enough to deal with that fact, so you concocted this whole other "The one who got away" illusion in your head of how things might have been etc etc which has no basis whatsoever in any reality, because you wanted to hold on to the feeling of actually being passionate about a woman, instead of settling for one.

But what you have done is just swap the torment of knowing, of feeling you have settled, for the torment of self-inflicted illusions, delusions and grief.

I hope things have finally come to a head for you now, and that you do follow up on the advice about counselling - I cannot recommend it enough for clearing your head and relieving yourself of your inner torments. Please try to move on, properly move on, for your own and your family's sake; you will only be able to do that when you work through your REAL feelings about yourself, your wife and your life, without all this imaginary Other Woman, Cathy and Heathcliff drama as this big, side distraction.

Badly Drunk Boy

Meself and my first proper girlfriend (after 5 five years) are on a break. Nearly 23 years after this 'break', with her getting married, and now with 3 kids, I don't think we'll be getting back together.

I'm single, and happy with that, and I'm happy for her and her family. I'm just a bit upset for her mother...who said that if it didn't work out, she wanted me to marry one of her other daughters. (Sorry if that trivialised the thread.)

SusieBlue

Did you ever consider that the reason your wife was so distant over the years was because she noticed you were still pining over this other woman and not giving 100% to your marriage?

And it's hilarious that you talk about being abandoned on honeymoon, what word would you use for someone who has strung their wife along for over 2 decades, plodding along in life while still stuck on this other woman in your head?

I would say you abandoned your marriage many years ago. You say your thinking about E is a symptom of your wife's indifference, I would guess that your wife's indifference to you is a result of her picking up on your pining for your ex.

You are not loyal. Stop trying to make a martyr of yourself. You are doing your wife no favours by staying with her.

kylith

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

On the letters etc.

I still cannot write, Google often doesn't even have a suggestion for the word in trying to spell... I sometimes even use a different word if I can't figure out a close spelling.
I can type, because of spell check, then I rewrite and rewrite before posting. You cannot do that with paper.

I spent every penny I earned in phone calls and saving for hpilday flights for the summer etc. I gave everything I could but the letters let her down, It was always in ber letters asking me to write and how disappointed & let down she was not getting those letters.

"The letters let her down"...

1) if your handwriting was an issue; typewriters have been around for over a hundred years.
2) if someone loves you they won't give a monkey's about your spelling.
3) you couldn't be arsed to write, making excuses about it (see points 1 and 2)
4) she dumped you over it, which (if you were calling her frequently) is a flimsy excuse which translates as "I don't want to be tied to you": i.e. she was probably dating other people already.

Dude: it's over. Seriously. If my BF from 20 years ago showed up at my mothers house and said he was still in love with me she'd probably call the Gardaí because that is seriously creepy, stalker-type, 'not right in the head' behaviour. And more than a bit sad and pathetic. Get Tom Waits off repeat and get yourself some counselling over this.

wylo

I'm no mod , but is thread starting to become pointless ?

WorldCup1990

@wylo, maybe for you....! I'm obviously struggling with incredible emotions atm so reading and working it through my head is important.

@Hanibal_Smith & @seenitall. Thanks for two superb well though out posts

Colser

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

@wylo, maybe for you....! I'm obviously struggling with incredible emotions atm so reading and working it through my head is important.

@Hanibal_Smith & @seenitall. Thanks for two superb well though out posts

Do you believe that she may still be pining after you or what exactly are you obsessed with..is it that you think that you'd still be together if you'd written letters?

Do you genuinely believe that this never affected your relationship with your wife?

Are you saying that you and your wife were happy on your wedding day and she suddenly changed during the honeymoon?

What would be the ideal outcome here in your opinion....get back with e or sort out your marriage?

What did your friends say when you told them the story?

gline

WorldCup1990 wrote: »

I'm obviously struggling with incredible emotions atm so reading and working it through my head is important.

This is what mental health care professionals would be able to help you with. Strangers, family or friends will not be able to help you with this.

The emotions you are feeling are not actually related to your ex of decades ago, but probably related to your unhappy marriage, which counselling should be able to help you overcome and act on.