26years pining.....

rondog

OP
Disregard all the negative comments here about you needing to cop on etc.Boards.ie is full of perfect people with their perfect lives who wouldn't dream of acting on normal human feelings.
I was in a similar situation.Met a girl 3 months before she was due to take off on around the world trip with her mates.We fell in love.She offered to stay but the thoughts of me preventing her from enjoying the trip of a lifetime were too much.I said go to her even though every part of me wanted her to stay.I visited her 6 months into her trip and we had the best month ever.When I came back I said id save and follow her over but when I got back in fell into a routine.Id assume she would come back but she got a great job offer abroad and didn't return.We lost contact and other people came and went.I finally met a girl who I feel in love with and am with still after 8 years.I never really got over the original girl.Years went by and like you I pined to meet her again.I built her up on this pedestal and always wondered what life would be like with her if I had chose that route.I thought about her every day.
Years went by and I heard she was back intown.I was very nervous and thought all the feelings would come back but after meeting her,the romantic memories of being free and travelling weren't there any more.She was married and time had taken its toll.I realized that what I held onto were the romantic memories of travelling,seeing he world and being free.
We met ,had a great catch up but reality hit and I realized that my current partner was everything I needed and all that pining and 'What if'  thoughts left me.I became much happier and content with my life.
What im saying Is,maybe you should meet up ,ask her folks where she is and just say you were in town.meet for a catch up and let her know your situation just so she doesn't think you are trying to re-kindle anything.
MAybe after your chat you will see things differently and be able to get on with things in a happier manner.

Tigger99

Or he could meet her and want to rekindle things.

OP it's far from healthy to be thinking this way and I think you are acknowledging this by starting the thread. Talk to your gp as a first step.

Big Bag of Chips

rondog wrote: »

OP, ask her folks where she is and just say you were in town.meet for a catch up and let her know your situation just so she doesn't think you are trying to re-kindle anything.

She's married, abroad. So he's hardly likely to be "in town" and just happen to bump into her/look her up. "Let her know [his ]situation, just so she doesn't think [he is] trying to rekindle anything"? But that's exactly what he would contact her in the hope of doing! He's even admitted to hoping that one day in their old age they'll be back together again.

She has had plenty of opportunity over the years to look you up if she so wished. She hasn't.

Honestly, OP, your options are

- end it with your wife and go looking for her, hoping that she will also walk out on her marriage for you.

Or

- get a grip of yourself and realise you have built another life, which involves many other people who stand to be very hurt if you continue to carry on like you are.

Those are your only options, because carrying on as you are isn't an option. It's incredibly unfair to the family you have built. It's been 26 years. I don't know how better to advise "cop on" than in those words. But leave and pursue her, or stay and cop on, that's all you can do.

You can't stay and continue to pursue her which sounds sort of like what you want people to tell you is ok to do.

RhubarbCrumble

For God's sake leave the poor woman and her family alone and stop stalking them. You need serious help OP.

Hannibal_Smith

You are not responsible for the break up, it was a two way thing. I can't believe to people who meant as much as you say to each other could break up in the 1990s because of communication issues. I was around in the 90s. Although UK calls were expensive, you could have worked it out better. Your relationship wasn't deep at all if it couldn't survive this issue.

Either way. Raking over the coalso 27 years later is not an option. Let it go. There is nothing in it. It is in the past. You need to get control of it and live in the now.

Airyfairy12

I had an ex come back a few years ago, he begged me to get back together with him, he said he loved me so much and wanted to spend his life with me, he regretted our breakup and everything reminded him of me, the worst thing he ever did was lose me and he needed me back in his life. He was genuinely pinning to the point of obsession since I had ended it with him, he ended up in a deep depression and everything so I decided to give it another chance, fast forward a year we broke up and within 9 months he was in a relationship with a leggy blond with big boobs who he's still with today. Point is he had the exact same feelings youre having now only difference is we did get back together and look how it worked out. It's never the fairytale ending you think it'll be. Reality is very different.

Youre ruminating over these thoughts and feelings and have dug yourself a hole so big you can't get out of it. You have idealised this relationship beyond belief. There is no way she was ever the perfect, ideal woman you have pictured in your head. Youve fantasised so much over the years about her youve become completely out of touch with reality. Chances are you would have broken up anyway as if it was going to last in the first place it would have or you both would have made a stronger effort to keep the relationship going.

When my parents were young and started going out in the early 70's my dad got a job in Germany and my mam spent some time working in Wales, they continued to contact each other through whatever means possible. Before moving to Wales my mam used to walk to the other side of town to use the payphone to call him. If youse wanted to keep in contact, you would have.

I know this is very emotional for you and its been difficult to accept but you are being delusional and have been for a very long time, youve just allowed it to spiral out of control and take over your life, thoughts can be very powerful. Im not trying to be condescending or belittling of your feelings, im sure those feelings are very real, they just might not be based in reality.
Getting in touch with a good qualified phsycotherapist could be a huge benefit to you, for your own happiness and wellbeing so you can put this to rest and look to your future.

unknowngirl!!

I feel so sorry for your wife and family.

bee06

OP, a lot of people have talked about the impact this will have on your wife and family if she found out. I've read back over your replies and not once have you recognised or acknowledged that fact. It's all me, me, me instead.

Not only is your wife and family 2nd best to this little fantasy you have built for yourself you seem to actually have forgotton they are the real people in your life.

jimmycrackcorm

bee06 wrote:

For what it's worth, if I was your wife I would be so hurt to think you had been pining for this woman for the last 26 years and that you had gone to see her parents recently.

unknowngirl!! wrote:

I feel so sorry for your wife and family.

A good wife would understand that this isn't about that person. It's about a period in time and a life experience that the op went through.

Everyone of us who is the same age or older than the op thinks back to something wonderful from our youth. I even recall having a conversation on a journey with my late dad asking him about women before my mum. He told me a fantastic romantic story about someone but ended up saying that as wonderful as it was, he wouldn't have had me our my siblings and there was no comparison.

bee06

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

A good wife would understand that this isn't about that person. It's about a period in time and a life experience that the op went through.

Everyone of us who is the same age or older than the op thinks back to something wonderful from our youth. I even recall having a conversation on a journey with my late dad asking him about women before my mum. He told me a fantastic romantic story about someone but ended up saying that as wonderful as it was, he wouldn't have had me our my siblings and there was no comparison.

The OP isn't thinking fondly back on something that happened. He's been wishing he was with her for 26 years.

Big Bag of Chips

.... And he's hoping that some day the stars will align and they'll be together again.

unknowngirl!!

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

A good wife would understand that this isn't about that person...

A 'good wife' surely deserves a good husband? Not a husband who is pining after someone else for 26 years...

If he was my dad and I read his posts I'd feel so hurt and cheated. If I was his wife I'd feel regret for wasting my life with someone who wanted someone else.

WorldCup1990

Look there is no need to say things like I feel sorry for your wife and kids etc. This not something I actually have control of, although I do and have tried, proof of that is the fact it has taken so so long to bring it up and finally put it to bed.

On a previous post they mentioned my ability to write, yep since I learned to type I am better but my disability is handwriting..... to this day, it's very easy to correct here on the keyboard.

I'm feeling so much better about it as the week goes on but I'm only now beginning the mourning process...... It's not something I was able to do before as I had hope in the beginning that just never left. Now that I've moved on it it does seem to be easing.

Unless you have lived it it is impossible to explain, as I said I sobbed yesterday morning but although I had an exceptionally stressful day in work yesterday I was much better driving home in the evening.

We were/are both very caring people and that's part of the reason we hit it off so well, however my wife always has done indifference to me very well, many many times I was emotionally abandoned/let down by her over the years, including on honeymoon, imagine being on honeymoon and wondering why you married a woman...... and that has NOTHING to do with the previous girlfriend.....!

I've love her but sometimes I find it hard to forgive her for that abandonment over the years..... So in a sense part of my pining was caused/heightened by the abandonment..... Things have improved over the last few years but it's still hard. So if you want to feel for anyone maybe it's me.

i'm sorry if people are judging me here but I'm trying so hard to put it behind me and concentrate on building my life with my family and moving forward.

I know the entire thing is mental but I'm trying so hard, & do you not think I know I need to "cop on" & thanks to those who have been positive with their comments, now sobbing again.......

Lead

The drama of all this. You had no control when you called into her parents house? You're now mourning? I'm sorry but you need to cop on to yourself. This is madness carry on for a 50yr old.

Airyfairy12

You really should try to take some responsibility for yourself and lose the self pity and poor me attitude. Youre not the first person to have gone through a breakup or lost someone they cared about, its a part of life, everyone goes through it. There are people who have lost their entire families.
Youre still holding a grudge against your wife over something that happened on your honeymoon, you sound incredibly difficult.

Please take the advice given to you on this thread and talk to a psychotherapist. Not a counsellor.. I mean doctor of psychology who will be trained to deal with your level of mental health issues and can provide you with the correct medical treatment. Its very clear you need more than just a chat with someone an hour every week.

Your refusal to accept any responsibility for yourself or your behaviour, your delusions, your emotional immaturity and the level of upset this is causing you is not normal. I'm not saying this as an attack or to hurt your feelings, im saying it so you will hopefully get the help you so obviously need.

WorldCup1990

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

You really should try to take some responsibility for yourself and lose the self pity and poor me attitude. Youre not the first person to have gone through a breakup or lost someone they cared about, its a part of life, everyone goes through it. There are people who have lost their entire families.
Youre still holding a grudge against your wife over something that happened on your honeymoon, (NOT JUST HONEYMOON for many many years....) you sound incredibly difficult, (far from it, otherwise I'd have given up years ago....!!)


Please take the advice given to you on this thread and talk to a psychotherapist. Not a counsellor.. I mean doctor of psychology who will be trained to deal with your level of mental health issues and can provide you with the correct medical treatment. Its very clear you need more than just a chat with someone an hour every week. ( I think I know that)

Your refusal to accept any responsibility for yourself or your behaviour, (I do, hence being here) your delusions, your emotional immaturity and the level of upset this is causing you is not normal (I'm trying to deal with it). I'm not saying this as an attack or to hurt your feelings, im saying it so you will hopefully get the help you so obviously need.

I'm trying so hard

Neyite

I think there might be something bigger going on here OP - maybe some sort of crisis or you've hit a wall or whatever. Your emotional state at the moment is not good. Would you consider talking to someone - like a GP or counsellor? I really think you need it.

WorldCup1990

I've had this bottled for 26 years, no one ever knew the suffering I was putting myself through nor did I let it effect my family life & I've never sought help for it....... until now when I've decided to try really hard put finality on it so I can stop suffering.....

The only one this has affected is me...... and it hurts so much as I finally try to end the suffering... Stupid I know, but I really have no control over these feelings.....

Penny Tration

The fact that a woman you dated quite briefly is causing you heartbreak for 26 YEARS is why people are telling you to seek professional help. Your thoughts about this situation are not those of a mentally stable, healthy man.


You need to seek help because with help, you WILL be able to control those thoughts. You, your wife and your family deserve that.

LegacyUser

I think people are being somewhat hard on the OP. What he is suffering from is the same thing that inspired Fitzgerald to write the Great Gatsby, that fuelled Dante’s the Divine Comedy. Fair enough if you’ve never suffered from it, indeed, count yourself lucky. I have and it’s awful. It is a terrible thing to know on one hand that you hold unrealistic feelings for someone else and yet to also be consumed by those feelings. It is a paradox and it is extremely difficult to reconcile.

Firstly, I think you can love two (or more) people at the same time. Indeed, until about 2,000 years ago monogamy was not widespread. Some historians believe it dates back to when Rome needed to ensure stricter population controls to ensure they had a properly organised army. In Ireland, Brehon law allowed for multiple spouses (as did most legal systems prior to the codification of law under Roman rule, Ireland, not being colonised by the Romans had longer lasted traditional laws). In areas where the Romans never colonised having multiple spouses was still widespread until relatively recently. Monogamy is an artificial construct that doesn’t suit a lot of people.

Secondly, neurologists are increasingly able to isolate the chemicals involved in romantic attachment. When we speak about relationships we are in fact speaking about two different things. One is the narcotic high that accompanies all relationships in their earlier days. This feeling fades over about 2 to 3 years. The second part is the deep friendship that grows over this time, so that when the narcotic effect wears off you still have a functioning relationship. It strikes me that the OP never got over the first part of this process, the narcotic phase, because the relationship did not end in a normal fashion for him.

Thirdly, anthropologists have documented numerous primitive tribes with different relationship models. Again, this highlights how recent our modern conception of relationships are. It is perfectly possible to miss someone for a long time and still love someone else. Indeed, it’s arguable that that is how we are wired. In Ireland, in particular, we have a binary approach to relationships (either/or) but that is a very limited view on the full scope of human relationships.

Fourthly, Jung put forward the theory that every individual has an idealised point in their past, as does every nation (as a nation inevitable reflects its populace). We are designed to have these feelings very early in childhood but it’s likely the OP has transferred this feeling to the relationship he had 26 years ago. Imo, many of us carry with us a sense of loss that we can’t articulate and therefore transfer onto experiences we can relate it to. You might have made this relationship the vehicle to carry feelings that aren’t as related to it.

OP, you seem very focused on how poor your handwriting was back then, but is it possible that you are really saying how hard you found it to express yourself in a written form back then? Have you tied the break-up to a more deep seated lack of confidence about your education or ability? You come across as articulate to me but it’s unusual you seem so bothered by your handwriting.

Culturally you could look at the words hiraeth in Welsh or saudade in Portuguese, they convey a certain sense of loss that can be implicit in the human condition, imo. (perhaps they convey a loss for a home you know that could never have existed).

Anyhow, as someone who has been where you are (and maybe still am), though not over as a long period, I would suggest you investigate your feelings. I have read dozens of books on relationships to try and understand it. I have spoken to people in the industry (neurologists and psychiatrists) to understand human connection. It is a deeply fascinating area of science, and one that is changing all the time. I am in a very happy relationship now, but I do meet the one that got away occasionally and I still get that feeling of a conversation never quite finished, a love that didn’t fully blossom but never really withered either. It is a paradoxical feeling but it’s fine, it’s just part of my nature.

Frankly, I’m appalled at some of the comments here. A person has come with a deep issue and been paid back by strangers with spite and ridicule. I am lucky to have a job that allows me interact with experts in this area and some of the comments are needlessly dismissive imo.

OP, you strike me as guy who needs someone to talk to, perhaps counselling of some sort would help? Good luck, and remember what you are feeling isn't wrong, it's something that has inspired artists since art began.

Hannibal_Smith

The more you explain, the more I wonder whether your holding on to memories of your girlfriend is simple escapism. When times get difficult you are brought back to a time where you felt totally calm and then it twists in to guilt because you think you're responsible for losing that calmness.

It's easy for people to say cop on or move on, but people operate in different ways and situations affect every one different. There's a possibility that you're not pining for a lost love, there's a possibility you're depressed with the life you're in and, as I said, you're using the time with your ex as a mental crutch. If that sounds feasible then it's for sure worth talking to someone. Even if it's to finally air everything.

WorldCup1990

Suadadeperhaps? wrote: »

I think people are being somewhat hard on the OP. What he is suffering from is the same thing that inspired Fitzgerald to write the Great Gatsby, that fuelled Dante’s the Divine Comedy. Fair enough if you’ve never suffered from it, indeed, count yourself lucky. I have and it’s awful. It is a terrible thing to know on one hand that you hold unrealistic feelings for someone else and yet to also be consumed by those feelings. It is a paradox and it is extremely difficult to reconcile.

Firstly, I think you can love two (or more) people at the same time. Indeed, until about 2,000 years ago monogamy was not widespread. Some historians believe it dates back to when Rome needed to ensure stricter population controls to ensure they had a properly organised army. In Ireland, Brehon law allowed for multiple spouses (as did most legal systems prior to the codification of law under Roman rule, Ireland, not being colonised by the Romans had longer lasted traditional laws). In areas where the Romans never colonised having multiple spouses was still widespread until relatively recently. Monogamy is an artificial construct that doesn’t suit a lot of people.

Secondly, neurologists are increasingly able to isolate the chemicals involved in romantic attachment. When we speak about relationships we are in fact speaking about two different things. One is the narcotic high that accompanies all relationships in their earlier days. This feeling fades over about 2 to 3 years. The second part is the deep friendship that grows over this time, so that when the narcotic effect wears off you still have a functioning relationship. It strikes me that the OP never got over the first part of this process, the narcotic phase, because the relationship did not end in a normal fashion for him.

Thirdly, anthropologists have documented numerous primitive tribes with different relationship models. Again, this highlights how recent our modern conception of relationships are. It is perfectly possible to miss someone for a long time and still love someone else. Indeed, it’s arguable that that is how we are wired. In Ireland, in particular, we have a binary approach to relationships (either/or) but that is a very limited view on the full scope of human relationships.

Fourthly, Jung put forward the theory that every individual has an idealised point in their past, as does every nation (as a nation inevitable reflects its populace). We are designed to have these feelings very early in childhood but it’s likely the OP has transferred this feeling to the relationship he had 26 years ago. Imo, many of us carry with us a sense of loss that we can’t articulate and therefore transfer onto experiences we can relate it to. You might have made this relationship the vehicle to carry feelings that aren’t as related to it.

OP, you seem very focused on how poor your handwriting was back then, but is it possible that you are really saying how hard you found it to express yourself in a written form back then? Have you tied the break-up to a more deep seated lack of confidence about your education or ability? You come across as articulate to me but it’s unusual you seem so bothered by your handwriting.

Culturally you could look at the words hiraeth in Welsh or saudade in Portuguese, they convey a certain sense of loss that can be implicit in the human condition, imo. (perhaps they convey a loss for a home you know that could never have existed).

Anyhow, as someone who has been where you are (and maybe still am), though not over as a long period, I would suggest you investigate your feelings. I have read dozens of books on relationships to try and understand it. I have spoken to people in the industry (neurologists and psychiatrists) to understand human connection. It is a deeply fascinating area of science, and one that is changing all the time. I am in a very happy relationship now, but I do meet the one that got away occasionally and I still get that feeling of a conversation never quite finished, a love that didn’t fully blossom but never really withered either. It is a paradoxical feeling but it’s fine, it’s just part of my nature.

Frankly, I’m appalled at some of the comments here. A person has come with a deep issue and been paid back by strangers with spite and ridicule. I am lucky to have a job that allows me interact with experts in this area and some of the comments are needlessly dismissive imo.

OP, you strike me as guy who needs someone to talk to, perhaps counselling of some sort would help? Good luck, and remember what you are feeling isn't wrong, it's something that has inspired artists since art began.

Thank you so much for your input, I think you may be onto something. It's so nice to hear if someone who actually understand what I'm suffering.

And I'm sobbing again...

I will gets chance of a fuller response later.

eurasian

Man....such a story. I hardly held my tears. Hope you found relief.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, please go get professional help. My worry is that you're going to convince yourself that starting this thread and the visit to her parents house the other day is going to solve your problems. I get the impression that what you've told us is the tip of the iceberg and that there are many issues that need to be worked through with a professional who's trained to do so. If any good has come of this at all, it's that you want to call a halt to your suffering.

Aspadeaspade

Suadadeperhaps? wrote: »

I think people are being somewhat hard on the OP. What he is suffering from is the same thing that inspired Fitzgerald to write the Great Gatsby, that fuelled Dante’s the Divine Comedy. Fair enough if you’ve never suffered from it, indeed, count yourself lucky. I have and it’s awful. It is a terrible thing to know on one hand that you hold unrealistic feelings for someone else and yet to also be consumed by those feelings.

Wonderful and refreshing insight and reply! Everyone should get off their high horses and stop criticising OP. Evidently none of you have ever really deeply fallen for someone. It sounds like most of you got married and 'settled' which is typical in the mediocre society we live in today..

Airyfairy12

Aspadeaspade wrote: »

Suadadeperhaps? wrote: »

I think people are being somewhat hard on the OP. What he is suffering from is the same thing that inspired Fitzgerald to write the Great Gatsby, that fuelled Dante’s the Divine Comedy. Fair enough if you’ve never suffered from it, indeed, count yourself lucky. I have and it’s awful. It is a terrible thing to know on one hand that you hold unrealistic feelings for someone else and yet to also be consumed by those feelings.

Wonderful and refreshing insight and reply! Everyone should get off their high horses and stop criticising OP. Evidently none of you have ever really deeply fallen for someone. It sounds like most of you got married and 'settled' which is typical in the mediocre society we live in today..

I dont think its about people being on a high horse, some replies have been much less sensitive than others but the general response from posters was to encourage the OP to get professional help and theres nothing wrong with that. Im in counselling myself theres no shame in it, we all have things to work through, the op has let this spiral over 26 years and its all coming to a head now where its hugely affecting his quality of life.

sadie1502

Definitely professional help. You really need some sort of help and I mean that with the best of intentions. Whilst I do try to see your struggle my heart goes out to your wife. I hope you get the help you need. Good luck.

wylo

I mean this also in as compassionate a way as possible. Please do see a therapist. 26 years of an obsession is not based on anything healthy or real.

Whatever is underlying in all this, its not about that woman or your handwriting etc, or the break up. Its about something much deeper, a void, etc. You still have lots of time left to really enjoy the rest of your life with your family and be more grateful than you've ever been, where you can genuinely put that issue behind you.

I cant stress enough that I really dont think is about that girl at all.

She may have provided you with things that at the time you badly badly needed, more than you realised, and maybe with some help you may see that your current life can offer you just as rich wonderful feelings.

I think its worth it, for you and your family!

Big Bag of Chips

Aspadeaspade wrote: »

Evidently none of you have ever really deeply fallen for someone. It sounds like most of you got married and 'settled' which is typical in the mediocre society we live in today..

Which funnily is exactly what the OP has done!


Look, OP, it's clear that you couldn't have the one you wanted to you tried to move on and love someone else. Relationships are hard, marriage is hard. They're not all sunshine and lollipops. In order for a relationship to last long and survive through various trials it needs to be strong and it takes effort on the part of both people.

You think "if only" whatever, that you would have lived happily ever after with your true love. That's not guaranteed. If it was ever going to be a happy ever after story, it would have worked out. It would have taken a lot more than lack of letters to break you up.

There is every chance that she met someone else while she was in the UK, and decided a relationship with him was a better option than a relationship with you, and she found something to use as the excuse.

You are obsessing over something that may never have ever existed. If you genuinely want to get over this, if you truly want to move on, then you need to accept professional help to do so. It's been 26 years, clearly you can't do it without proper help.

Your wife mightn't be perfect, but few people are. Your ex isn't perfect either. And a marriage to her would have certainly brought its own difficulties. All marriages go through hard times. Living with someone 24/7 is always going to bring challenges. Your wife is no different to your ex in that regard.

People have suggested you get help. I think that is the only advice anyone can really give you now.

leggo

I'm glad people are as cynical as me, I read the OP's post and had the same vibe as most but thought I'd come across a buzzkill.

The problem with people romanticising here is that it's pure delusion. It's stuff out of movies that doesn't work in real life. If this was a rom-com, people would be crying and saying it's beautiful. That's a story, though, and it's meant to be just that: a story. One of my favourite hobbies if I get stuck watching a rom-com with a girl is picking it apart for how it would be in real life, because that's how far from reality this stuff is. But this is real life, so realists have to deal with the fact that people have been lied to and could have their lives torn apart.

The fact that you've held onto this, in the real world, suggests an inability to process real emotions and move on, which isn't uncommon but the fact that you've done it for over two decades is problematic because now this woman isn't even the same person you were in love with! The fact that you've acted on it suggests a lack of self-awareness and ability to reason out a situation and handle it maturely. The fact that you're rationalising this, frankly, worrying behaviour as the call of 'true love'...well...it makes it a bit delusional.

Here's another thing: this is a bit of an all-or-nothing move. She's either gonna break down and declare that she feels the same or...she's gonna think it's really weird. You know her Mam called her, she said she would. And it's not the 90's anymore, it's a lot easier to find someone now (she probably pulled up your Facebook while she was on the phone to her Mam). So this girl, a different person to the one you knew and now effectively a stranger, is probably freaked out and worried you're unhinged and going to harass her Mam further. That's how I'd be tbh. Think about that OP and maybe it'll snap you back into the reality of the situation somewhat.

I'm sorry OP. I'm not trying to have a go at you or even chastising you for your poor wife and kids. I am trying to help you but I think trying to mourn this relationship years on is missing the point. The point is that this runs deeper and you should learn to recognise the reality that all of this is in the past and your dalliances and inability to handle that can cause genuine devastation for people you love around you. So, instead of focusing on her, focus on why this is a core issue to begin with and deal with that. Get help in processing stuff that happens around you and live in the moment. Then, and only then, will you truly feel better.