Unreasonable wedding non-invitees?

LegacyUser

A minor issue compared to many on this forum but would like to hear some independent opinions.

Having a smallish wedding ~70 guests. We've decided to invite only people we know, see regularly and like. My mother is very upset that I'm not inviting some of her siblings. I never see them, except at the odd family funeral. I feel that now, whether I invite them or not, I won't have the wedding I want. I'll have either an upset mother or a few uncles and aunts I'd rather not have there.

Am I being unreasonable?

Tokyo

I don't think it's unreasonable.

At the end of the day, it's your wedding, and your day. Caving to other people in order to appease them generally only breeds resentment, or a sense of losing ownership of the situation. your mother might be bent out of shape initially, but if she has any respect for the fact that this is your celebration, then she should adjust to this and honour your wishes.

woodchuck

So you're inviting some aunts and uncles and not others? While this is technically reasonable (assuming you're inviting the ones you like and see regularly etc), it's not uncommon at all for massive family feuds to start over things like this My advice would be either invite all the aunts and uncles (or none). That's assuming the expense of inviting a few extra guests is worth keeping the peace. I know of situations where these things are brought up years/decades later...

GingerLily

I don't think you're being unreasonable as such but you'll need to get thicker skin...

My grandad is upset I'm not getting married in a church, my uncle's disappointed there is a no children rule, but I'm sticking to my guns and I'm hoping on the day it'll all be a non-issue!

Loveinapril

I would usually agree and had a similar wedding where we only invited people in our daily/ weekly lives but had an afters for extended family. I personally think it is a bad move to exclude some aunts and uncles, it should be all or none in my opinion. My brother did the same thing and only invited half my da's siblings and although my da just got on with it, it left such a bad taste in everyone's mouths.

coffeyt

My dad has 13 siblings, all married bar one so we have a understanding within his side of the family that not all aunts and uncles get invited to weddings. I invited two of my aunts on his side with their husband's as I spent a lot of time with one growing up and the other is my godmother. No one had any problem with it, in fact a few of my aunts that were not invited popped in to the church to see the wedding, congratulated us and left with no negative comments or issues. I think you should stick to your decision just explaining you cannot facilitate the numbers, it's that simple. Anyone who makes an issue out of it needs a reality check tbh.

Rekop dog

Anyone who keeps little to no contact with you but gets bent out of shape about a lack of invite has a fairly warped mindset. Let your mam throw her strop, she's not worth worrying about if she can't suck it up and be happy and supportive to you for this.

Weddings bleh, turns people in psychos!

Lead

Loveinapril wrote: »

I would usually agree and had a similar wedding where we only invited people in our daily/ weekly lives but had an afters for extended family. I personally think it is a bad move to exclude some aunts and uncles, it should be all or none in my opinion. My brother did the same thing and only invited half my da's siblings and although my da just got on with it, it left such a bad taste in everyone's mouths.

This. You should do all or nothing.

SozBbz

OP, I suggest talking to your mother again and seeing if she can get over it when you explain what your dream day should look like. You might need to be firm with her, especially if you're paying for the wedding yourself, really she doesn't get to control the guest list.

Weddings seem to send people absolutely crazy, especially where families are involved - myself and himself are only talking about getting married but we're both in agreement that whatever we decide, we want to keep it intimate, so I don't think you're wrong at all to want to keep a lid on it.

Weddings are unfortunately the one thing that everyone has an opinion on.

eviltwin

Lead wrote: »

This. You should do all or nothing.

Why? I have a lot of aunts and uncles and a load of cousins. I'm closer to some than others so if someone I haven't seen in years doesn't invite me to a small, intimate do I will understand. I'd be more put out to be excluded by someone I'm close to. I think we worry too much about what other people will think when it comes to weddings. I think most people will understand the lack of invite if they are not in regular contact.

retro:electro

Do what you and your partner want and to hell what anyone else thinks. It's your day. Your mam has had hers. You'll have to be firm but just say look this is the way we want it so please respect that.

December2012

Is your mother paying? Realistically, how much more will this affect you - are these people offensive to you? Does it prevent you going to a specific venue?

LegacyUser

OP here. Interesting range of responses. Thanks all.

I've decided to just invite them. It's not that they're offensive at all, just that I don't really know them well or see them often. I'm generally a pigheaded git but I think it's better to yield in this situation.

zoobizoo

So I had planned to do what you plan to do....

My folks were cool with whatever decision I made but it would have meant that they would have been spending the day sitting with with people I know... siblings / my friends or future in laws... which would not have been much fun for them or my brothers and sisters.

For them to enjoy their day, we gave them a table for their friends and / or family - they got to choose who to invite. It wasn't what I had originally wanted but on the day itself, it made absolutely no difference to me who was at that table. I barely spoke to the aunts or uncles or friends other than a quick "hello, thanks", but my parents had a great day as a result.

And that meant a lot to them (particularly my mother who wanted to invite her oldest friends) ... she got to show me off to them and she was delighted.

On the day itself my best man's dad dropped him and his wife in - I've known him for the best part of 40 years and he knows my parents so I said to come back into town for the meal... he was delighted with that.

I didnt' want kids at the wedding but my best man's wife had had a baby six weeks prior... I said "grand, no problem" because it meant that my best man could sit with his wife at our table...


We can get very rigid in our thinking when it comes to "our" big days but really they are more than "our big day"... and you realise that when they're congratulating you or when you see your folks sitting with them in the bar catching up with people they need an excuse to catch up with.

Now, had my parents insisted on having all of their siblings along etc then that would have been a different story.