Think she only sees me as a friend

LegacyUser

I met this girl in a social group a few months back and I've fallen pretty badly for her but I'm pretty sure she only sees me as a friend. I'm not sure how deal with it.

The longer story;
Met at a weekly social group, she found me on Facebook the next day and added me (I noticed I was the only person she added from that group that she talked to that night) but when I started texting her I didn't find much bite.

She invited me to karaoke that another guy (lets call him Sean) in the group was organising and he invited her to (he invited me as well but only after this girl asked him to). I wen't but it totally wasn't my thing, I felt very uncomfortable and I spent the whole night talking to other people. Sean and her have done a few things together at the weekends with his friends. Sean is gives off the vibe that he bats for the other team but I know all to well that he doesn't (he got with a girl I liked before). The worst part about it is that introduced them to each other.

I'm big into adventurous sports and I invited her to one I was doing but she was away but she replied with "let's find another cool thing like that to do another weekend!". I found another one to do and she invited a few friends to come along (bad sign) and I invited some of my friends because she invited people. Her friends didn't want to do it and my friends were kinda keen but at this stage I noticed there was only 2 spots left so we decided to ditch my friends and just to it ourselves. We spent around 5 hours together, it was great and we talked for the whole thing. She posted a photo of the two of us on FB but in this post there was photos of hikes etc she had done with other guys.

We agreed to do another adventure event which is done as part of another social group that will take up the whole weekend next month and again she invited her friends along (one girl, one guy and his girlfriend).

She also invited me along to a gig in a few weeks that her and her friends are going to the other day. She had asked another mutual friend a few weeks ago to it as well and this mutual friend had already gotten tickets for me as she knows I like this girl.

Anytime we are at the social group we do spend a large time talking to each other.

So in summary this girl enjoys my company enough to keep hanging around me but there is nothing there to suggest there is anything more. Going by her Facebook posts she has a wide selection of male friends to do stuff with so I am one of many.

This girl has a lot of things going for her she is well educated, smart, has a good job, good personality and very pretty and while I tried to avoid using this term as I don't want thread to dwell on it she is way out of my league.

I've never made a move on her (if I knew how to do that) as she has shown no signs IMO that she is interested in me.

While I really enjoy her company am I just making it worse on myself by hanging around her? Glutton for punishment and all that.

silverharp

You will never know unless you give it a shot. Ask her out to see a movie or something, if she suggests bringing friends along you have your answer otherwise it might be all good.

milli milli

Glut4Pun wrote: »

This girl has a lot of things going for her she is well educated, smart, has a good job, good personality and very pretty and while I tried to avoid using this term as I don't want thread to dwell on it she is way out of my league.

OP just going by your post, you seem like a friendly, thoughtful, outgoing, sound kind of a guy, who's adventurous, not afraid of new things and up for anything.
These are all very attractive traits. You are doing yourself a disservice by saying this girl is out of your league. You seem like a great catch, so focus on your good points, and think, 'this girl would be lucky to have me.'

If you really like this girl and fear losing her to someone else, you are going to have to bite the bullet and ask her out, I'm afraid. Nothing major, no mad declarations, just out for a drink (or dinner if you feel it's appropriate).
Sometimes girls give off signals that lads don't pick up on. I'm not saying this is the case.
She may in fact just view you as a friend. If this is the case, then try and take it in your stride and don't let it be any reflection on you as you as a person.
Some people aren't the right fit.

So ask her out, if she says yes, happy days!
If she says no, move on - lots more fish, as they say. And you'll find someone else easily enough - you seem sound and you're putting yourself out there. Some lucky girl would only be delighted to meet you!

Mr. Incognito

The wisest thing someone ever said to me about seeing people you like is simply to spend time with them.

You don't have to make a big deal about it being a date but drop her a message or a text and see if she wants to go to the cinema.

Then ask her to go to a gig or that a few days later.

Just spend time with her.

leggo

Put yourself out of your misery and ask her out, and make it clear it's meant as a date when you do. Do it over text or FB if it makes it easier for you. If you need actual words, do something like this:

"So, got a random one for you..."
"Yes?"
"Would you be interested in going out for a drink, just you and me, sometime? "

That's literally it. You don't need to spill your guts and declare your love (in fact, don't). You're saying you like her clearly and totally proud of it and owning it, which is an attractive quality to most people, and not conveying that you're secretly living or dying based on her response. Then, if it's a yes, you can feel reassured in knowing that she does feel the same and it'll get much easier. If she says no, worst case scenario, you know and don't need to hound yourself anymore.

There's nothing embarrassing and you can keep hanging out if she's not interested. And, in the very worst case scenario, if she gets weird/starts to be a bit of a tease and play games with you, write her off as an attention-seeking melt and reassure yourself that you've dodged a bullet by having the balls to say it straight to her.

jigglypuffstuff

leggo wrote: »

<Snip>

This op... From a person that was in the exact same position.. This is what I did...and it's the way forward!

LegacyUser

I think I might have to follow your advise and say something to her. I have started over thinking, over analysing any interaction I have with her and it's driving me nuts not knowing.

I mistyped above when I said the weekend trip we are doing is next month it's actually next weekend (Fri-Sun) and the gig the week after that.

I'm playing with the idea of saying it after I leave her home next weekend but it would depend if I can manage to leave her home last and her friends don't live right beside her.

Should I wait until after these events to say anything to her? Like after one of the weekly events we go to and just walk her out and say it to her then?

leggo

Why not text her right now instead of building it up in your head or putting it off til tomorrow?

Vela

Go for it. My one bit of advice is; don't let her know you think she's out of your league. I've had guys lead with that before and it's just really off-putting and unattractive. Plus, it's not even true! Which is probably the case here also.

Rubberchikken

no one is out of anyone's league. what does that say about the person who thinks that about themselves?
you sound like a decent person op, who is overthinking thw hole thing.

you like this girl, ask her out. and make it clear that it's a date, just so she doesn't include any others:)
good luck

beertons

Speaking as someone who is most definitely punching above his weight, you need to ask her straight out if there is any hint of romance happening. If she says yes, kiss her. If she says no, you'll be kissing someone else.

This is exactly what I did. Went in my favour too, thankfully.

LegacyUser

Just back from the weekend away with her and her friends but it didn't really go to plan as I had hoped.

My plan was just to enjoy the weekend and say something to her when I left her home.

I ended up being my own worst enemy as I stressed myself out over it. I wasn't able to sleep probably for a few days before hand and on the weekend because of the nerves.

Her friends were really nice but I did feel like the 5th wheel on the weekend. Three of her friends all worked together so they all knew each other pretty well and I felt out of loop in a lot of their conversations. All this made me feel very uncomfortable.

At one point her friends started asking her about her past boyfriends and I just wanted to run away as I didn't want to hear anything about that.

I normally enjoy the activities we did during the weekend but this time I was so aware of how I was behaving that I didn't enjoy one bit of it.

All that easiness of talking to her every other time I had with her completely evaporated on the weekend. I felt like a shell of myself that I normally am.

I did manage to get her on her own when leaving her home but while I was very confident of saying something to her before going away on this trip after how the weekend unfolded I could not bring myself to say anything to her other than "if you ever want to do something like that again let me know" and I text her again later saying "if you ever want to do anything adventurous or even if it's something as simple as going for a drink just let me know." but she just focused on the adventurous bit saying that she loves doing those kinda things.

I did myself no favours during that weekend and now I feel pretty disappointed with myself.

I found out a friend of mine will be starting a job in the same office as her and this guy is very good with women and I'm worried now they'll get together.

I've gone down a bad path here and started over analysing everything.

ibarelycare

Sorry to hear OP, but it does sound like she sees you as a friend only, and I think that was the case regardless of how you acted over the weekend, so don't beat yourself up.

Don't dwell on her and your friend getting together. It's out of your control and not worth worrying over.

For future reference, if you're asking someone out don't say "if you want to do something sometimes let me know". It's too vague and wishy washy, and is putting the ball in their court. You need to actually be assertive and clear and say "would you like to go for a drink sometimes?" and if they say yes you say "great, how about Friday?". It's an attractive trait when someone can put themselves across as confident.

LegacyUser

Three months later and I'm still in the same position as I was when I first posted if not in a worse position.

I didn't end up seeing her for nearly two months as she had endless line of friends / family come over to visit her. By this stage I thought I was getting over her as the only contact I had with her was over text.

She came back to the group we met at and we ended up talking for over an hour and she was smiling a lot, making lot of eye contact, facing me and playing with her hair which gave me a bit of hope. The very next day I was looking at the calendar on Meetup and I saw she was going back on the weekend trip we went on together. While I wouldn't normally care about this it was the a fact she didn't mention it to me that disappointed me as we had been talking about our last trip the previous night and then I got annoyed at myself for being disappointed over something so stupid.

A few weeks later we ended up at the same event and randomly another guy who was on the trip with us was there and she said we should go back on the trip again but I didn't take her seriously. When I was leaving she told me that she'd be near where I lived at the weekend with Sean (guy who is also crazy about her but everyone thinks he bats for the other team) and that I was welcome to join them. We met up and more friends joined us later but when it was just the three of us she said it to me again about going away and didn't extend the invite to Sean and told me which weekend I should keep free.

Despite this I've been trying to distance myself from her a bit as I just end up feeling really bad about myself after every time I meet her as it reinforces how much I like her but yet how nothing will happen. I had to unfollowed her on FB as she was coming up every time I logged in as frequently contacted and I would walked away from my phone when I felt the urge to text her. However one of our mutual friends who knows I like her keeps saying something to me about it while she means well it doesn't help me like last week she was saying I would have a much better chance than Sean but then today she'll send me a screen shot of conversation between the two of them were she (the girl I like) mentioned my name but with everything else blanked out.

In a very selfish way I wish I had never met her.

silverharp

Glut4Pun wrote: »

Three months later and I'm still in the same position as I was when I first posted if not in a worse position.....

You lost me a bit at friends and blanked out texts, its like something school kids would be caught up in. The way I'd look at it, if it was going to happen it would have happened by now. At worst she is a bit of a tease or isn't aware that she sends out confusing signals. Then from your side you bottled it by not directly asking her out way back when, I'd assume she has written you off by now assuming she had some interest at the start.

Mr. Incognito

Ring her up and ask her out. Bluntly. Tell her you are interested and would like to go on a date.

If she says no, tell her that's cool but it would be best if you took some time to clear your head.

If she says yes. Job done.

Stop torturing yourself.

Grow some balls man.

Bunny Colvin

To be honest, you're only torturing yourself here. Ask her out, worst case scenario she say no. If that's what happens then I'd cut ties, as you'll never be happy just hanging out with her.

Skibunny77

Op, why don't you just ask her out? Trying to read her mind by analysing why she makes eye contact and how she twirls her hair isn't getting you anywhere. Take the advice given earlier in the thread, either way, it will move things on.

Bambi985

Yeah it feels like there's deeper issues here than you fancying some girl and not being sure where you stand with her OP. How old are you? Have you had much success with women generally - previous relationships, dated people you've fancied etc? Would you say you're an insecure person in a general sense?

I know taking the leap and asking out someone that you fancy is nerve-wracking, but it is literally the only way out of the head-wreck that you're experiencing right now. Instead of accusing her of being a 'tease' I'd be more likely to accuse you of ruminating, over-analysing and procrastinating on what you know quite well you have to do. Don't ask, don't get, you snooze you lose etc. That's how life goes. Drop her a text, be direct and ask her out for a drink. Even if she says no you'll be in a better position than you're in now as you'll have moved forward with things and will be able to finally move on!

Ultimate Seduction

A simple text if you can't build up the courage to ask her.

Hey, fancy dinner night, just me an You?

Something along those lines anyway. All that can happen is she says ya or she rejects it in a nice way.

December2012

"Want to go out on Saturday night, just the two of us?"

"Yes"

- "great it's a date! See you at 9"

OR

"I think of you more as a friend"

-"no worries. No harm in asking!"

Simple

lazybones32

If you know Sean is crazy about her, she knows Sean is crazy about her (unless Sean is coolness personified). I can't shake the suspicion that the two of you are being played to a degree...who doesn't like being sought after?...so i'd be of the opinion to walk away. I'm not saying she's using you or toying with you but she must have an inkling...so either send a text that says "I like you and want to go to dinner/whatever with you next week. How does that sound?" or finish the texting, FB following, etc. YOU need to make a decision about what you want to happen. Decide.

Dr Crayfish

Out with different blokes doing activities all the time... she could be one of these girls who has a hoard of bloke "friends" that follow her around dutifully fancying her and she loves the attention but has no intention of getting with them. Just ask her out or forget about it, however even if you do go out with her she'll prob have other blokes hanging around her all the time waiting for a chance. Headwrecking I bet!

LegacyUser

Man, stop trying to read her mind.

There is no mystery to this. Ask her out. Why are you making it so hard for yourself?

You are trying to ascribe all sorts of characteristics to her because you are analysing her way too much without really knowing her. Right now you have nothing to lose. I guarantee if you do nothing you will not be friends with her in 18 months anyhow.

Honestly, text her or call her right now, and ask her out. You have nothing, nothing to lose, but a lot to gain.