Parents paying/contributing to daughters wedding??

Masala

I had a discussion with my brother-in-law who is worried ****tless about having to 'pay' for his daughters wedding!!! I questioned him on same (hes' 58yrs old and daughter is 25 yrs) and he says that 'it is traditional' to pay for the daughters wedding... a kind of dowery!!!

I nearly fell off the chair! I didn't even get so far as to ask him 'how much' !!!

I have both a Son and a Daughter and have no intention of paying out for a wedding. A help of a few grand for a house deposit maybe... but not a wedding.

What is the norm out there now for parents and kids weddings?

Persephone kindness

Masala wrote: »

What is the norm out there now for parents and kids weddings?

I don't think there is a norm. Some help out some don't. Whatever is best for your family. Just do what is right for you

mad muffin

My sons out of luck. It'll be him paying for my funeral… or throwing my dead body into a ditch. What ever I'll be dead.

Winterlong

It used to be a 'thing' years ago that the brides family host the wedding. And then 'host' turned in to paying for the wedding.
But not anymore.
The norm now in ireland is that you pay for your own wedding and be gracious if you get a contribution from either family.

jeanjolie

Would you personally feel the same way about paying for college?

Not taking the mickey out of you it just that I hear about parents mostly in the US who would kick their kids out and force them to pay for college. Think that's not on tbh.

Lia_lia

Still does happen in some families alright. My friend's Dad paid for her wedding. But I think that was more to do with the fact that he's loaded and could afford it.

I think it all depends on financial circumstances really. Most couples would pay for weddings themselves from what I gather. Or take out a ridiculous loan. :rolleyes:

RustyNut

Marrage is a dying institution, or at least it is in my family if the little Nuts expect me to pay for it.

Bambi985

Depends entirely on who you're talking to, how wealthy the parents are etc. Most of my friends would've had contributions - a few grand to cover the reception or pay the drinks tab or to buy the bride's dress etc, but the bulk of the cost was paid by the couple themselves.

LadyMacBeth_

My parents and my mother in law both contributed to my wedding. I didn't expect it though and I was very grateful for their contribution. It was a very low key wedding on a budget but it would have been even more low key without their help.

Outkast_IRE

I would say most couples pay for themselves, and if the parents are in a good position financially they may offer to help pay for some items. But it certainly wouldnt be expected out of the parents.

ScumLord

It was probably more necessary in the past when women were basically treated like property in a marriage but I don't think its standard anymore, especially with the demands modern brides make.

eviltwin

There is no way I'd pay for my child's wedding. I know many a person who had a few quid added to the kitty by their parents but that would be not restricted to gender. Most couples pay for their own wedding.

retro:electro

I think that tradition went out with the Indians. When both my sisters got married my mother had the same freak out, but my sisters assured her they didn't want her helping out and they'd be doing it their way themselves. My mam gave a generous cash gift as a present. I'm engaged myself now and wouldn't dream of having either my mam or my partners parents help us out. We'll do what we can afford.

PucaMama

As is the "trend" in Ireland anything traditional is out the window.

dev100

It's the country folk tradition the bride's parents usually chip in or pay for it all . I've relatives who are mostly female and they're parents have contributed to each of their weddings etc . It's generally the poor farmers who do it.

PandaPoo

I think a big thing now is if the parents contribute some of them think they have a say in organising it!! I've heard from friends that they're parents helped them out with the cost and then said 'Oh I know you're at the guest limit but you have to invite your 2nd cousin and his family, and the neighbours, and your dad's brothers sons girlfriend etc'

Malari

It seems completely outdated to the generation(s) getting married now, but my dad definitely wondered if he'd be expected to pay at least a considerable portion. I was appalled that he'd even think that!

But then the last wedding he had very close experience of was probably his own. He had asked a couple of his friends in their 60s and 70s and they HAD paid for their daughters' weddings so I guess that's where he got that idea.

My parents did give us a generous gift, which was actually very unexpected, and came after we had budgeted and paid for everything ourselves, so I don't think of it as paying for the wedding. We purchased something for our house with the money.

steddyeddy

It's nice if parents help to pay for the wedding but it's your wedding and you should be paying for it yourself. The biggest contribution my mother could make to my wedding is her presence. She already helped me enough in life and I don't think she should pay for my life choices.

LadyMacBeth_

PandaPoo wrote: »

I think a big thing now is if the parents contribute some of them think they have a say in organising it!! I've heard from friends that they're parents helped them out with the cost and then said 'Oh I know you're at the guest limit but you have to invite your 2nd cousin and his family, and the neighbours, and your dad's brothers sons girlfriend etc'

My mum definitely had too much of a say about my guest list and some other things and while I put my foot down over some of them I felt like I had to take her opinion on board because she was paying.

Electric Sheep

dev100 wrote: »

It's the country folk tradition the bride's parents usually chip in or pay for it all . I've relatives who are mostly female and they're parents have contributed to each of their weddings etc . It's generally the poor farmers who do it.

I was brought up in the country and the only girl I knew whose parents paid for her wedding was the daughter of a wealthy cattle dealer.

The "family contribution" was much more likely to be some relations who were priests concelebrating the Mass.

freshpopcorn

It's still done but no where near as much as before. A lot of parents would give their child a fair amount of money as a gift.
However a massive difference between weddings now and in the past. When the brides parents paid for everything is weddings today cost a lot more money.
In the past people got a plain enough invitation. Today people pay large amounts of money for handmade invitations, plus now theirs save the dates as well. They ceremony booklet and menu for the meal can also be hand made.
Bridal parties also tend to be a lot larger. So more dresses/shoes have to bought. Bridesmaids also tend to be more demanding about what they will wear.
Brides dress Brides seem to be a lot more fussy now a days in the past and finding the dress can take months before people went to shops nearby and got one.
Stags/Hens weren't as popular and were generally just people meeting for a few drinks. Their weren't big trips away.
Flowers. Theirs a lot more flowers in the church and reception venue now compared to before and everything to matching.
Reception: The meal in the past tended to to be a simple meal and that that was it. Everyone got their dinner and that was it now theirs five and six courses and theirs prosecco on arrival and candy carts and photo booths. The cake used generally be a few iced fruit cakes made by somebody not several different types of cakes with special figures on top.
Their just seem to be do much more expensive now a days.

missmatty

I would say most couples pay most of the costs themselves these days. We got generous gifts from both sets of parents not long before the wedding but had already paid everything for the wedding ourselves and were not expecting anything. We'll be buying a house soon so it was more that they were contributing to that I think.

Electric Sheep

PandaPoo wrote: »

I think a big thing now is if the parents contribute some of them think they have a say in organising it!! I've heard from friends that they're parents helped them out with the cost and then said 'Oh I know you're at the guest limit but you have to invite your 2nd cousin and his family, and the neighbours, and your dad's brothers sons girlfriend etc'

That was always the way if the parents' hosted the wedding. He who pays the piper calls the tune.

messy tessy

jeanjolie wrote: »

Would you personally feel the same way about paying for college?

Not taking the mickey out of you it just that I hear about parents mostly in the US who would kick their kids out and force them to pay for college. Think that's not on tbh.

But college is completely different isn't It? You are comparing parents paying for something for a 17/18 year old with that of a 30 year old (on average).

My parents put me through college as I literally did not have the money. Would not expect them to pay or even contribute to a wedding, and wouldn't accept the money if they offered.

freshpopcorn

messy tessy wrote: »

But college is completely different isn't It? You are comparing parents paying for something on average for a 17/18 year old with that of a 30 year old.

My parents put me through college as I literally did not have the money. Would not expect them to pay or even contribute to a wedding, and wouldn't accept the money if they offered.

A lot of women tended to get married younger in the past and stay at home and mind the children. So, college expenses may not have being their.

MadDog76

I got married not too long ago (within the last 5 years) and my Father-In-Law paid for everything and I do mean everything .......... Stags/Hens Weekend, suits, dresses, cars, the whole Wedding reception, the second night party, the Honeymoon and still gave us a hefty cash gift. And this was a sizable Wedding, almost 300 guests.

Now, neither myself nor my now Wife expected/asked for/wanted any of this but he became fairly angry at the mere suggestion that we would be paying for our own Wedding so ........ I'd say ours was an unusual case these days though.

PandaPoo

MadDog76 wrote: »

I got married not too long ago (within the last 5 years) and my Father-In-Law paid for everything and I do mean everything .......... Stags/Hens Weekend, suits, dresses, cars, the whole Wedding reception, the second night party, the Honeymoon and still gave us a hefty cash gift. And this was a sizable Wedding, almost 300 guests.

Now, neither myself nor my now Wife expected/asked for/wanted any of this but he became fairly angry at the mere suggestion that we would be paying for our own Wedding so ........ I'd say ours was an unusual case these days though.

Did you not feel you were taking the piss a bit with 300 guests? that's where the cost is, feeding them all!

miezekatze

I think it always depends on the circumstances. A friend of mine (female) is getting married next year and I know her parents won't be paying. Her fiance and his family are much better off financially and it looks like they will be paying. My partner and I are planning on having a very small wedding and none of this hen/stag nonsense either. I always assumed we'd pay for it ourselves but my parents have offered to pay for the day. I think it's probably always best for the couple to assume that they'll be funding it themselves and plan accordingly.

Inspector Coptoor

We got married almost three years ago.

Both sets of parents have generous cash presents but didn't "pay" for the wedding itself.

We would have been very uncomfortable with them paying for it.
I would have hated to have put that expense on them.

Romantic Rose

Inspector Coptoor wrote: »

We got married almost three years ago.

Both sets of parents have generous cash presents but didn't "pay" for the wedding itself.

We would have been very uncomfortable with them paying for it.
I would have hated to have put that expense on them.

My sister and my Dad had a joint savings account for her wedding. My Dad contributed quite a lot of money towards the wedding but then in return, he invited quite a lot of people she had never met. Turned it very political. I wasn't having any of that and said from the outset that we'd pay for our own wedding. I'd rather have the wedding I want than have to invite half the land.

MadDog76

PandaPoo wrote: »

Did you not feel you were taking the piss a bit with 300 guests? that's where the cost is, feeding them all!

My personal Guest List was about 20-25, 80% of the Guest List was put together by the Mother-In-Law .......... she even invited Cousins of mine that I had no intention of inviting myself!

Sam Kade

Masala wrote: »

What is the norm out there now for parents and kids weddings?

The parents? Surely they are married already?

LirW

We already said if we marry one day, we fund that and make it laid back, because we're not down for the big hotel insanity, also my family is like 10 people and his outnumbers mine 1:8.
But we especially want to have to interference with planning. My MIL one the one had just told me "Oh look into the Ballybeg house if you want to marry (lol 19k for peak season weekend)" but when I state I'm not interested in anything like this she goes immediately "well, X's daughters married only in the courthouse with very immediate family". No thanks, this already reassures me.

Sam Kade

dev100 wrote: »

It's the country folk tradition the bride's parents usually chip in or pay for it all . I've relatives who are mostly female and they're parents have contributed to each of their weddings etc . It's generally the poor farmers who do it.

Not the case, I got married in 1990 and paid myself feck all from the brides parents.

freshpopcorn

I know weddings aren't about presents. Somebody told me before they let their parents invite a good few people(Not fully sure who paid) some were friends/relatives they didn't really know. They couple were amazed at the amount these people gave as gifts compared to their friends. Part of them wondered were their parents doing it just to get the cash for them (the couple)!

byhookorbycrook

We married in 1999 and paid for everything ourselves. My mother was widowed many years before that and put 3 of us through college, so no way would we have considered her paying anything. My husband's family gave us a cash gift but not to pay for any aspect of the wedding.

pauliebdub

It's old fashioned. I'm sure some parents contribute towards the cost but an expectation to pay isn't done anymore​. Most couples pay for their own wedding. Though you could argue that paying 15k towards one days celebration is money well spent.

Cee-Jay-Cee

OP was your brother in law worried because he can't afford it and his daughter expects him to pay? If so he needs to tell her where to go. It's not the done thing anymore andhe needs to let his daughter know that. If she wants to get married then she should pay for it, if she can't afford it then don't get married. Simple.

Gael23

Years ago the brides parents paid for the reception but not always anymore. Contribute by all means if you are in a position to.I do believe it is still common for the brides mother to buy the wedding dress.

MadamRazz

I got married in 2011 and my parents gave us enough to cover the wedding. It wasnt expected and caused one or two rows. But I'm his only daughter and my dad was determined to be traditional in that way. Apparently he had been saving for it for a while. Neither of my parents tried to have their say in the organisation but I did add some things they would like that I wouldnt have otherwise. In the end everyone had a great day and my parents were glad to be rid of me.

c_man

I'm engaged, herself's parents have 6k put aside for the day. I initially didn't want it but they insisted and it seemed important to them, so why not. They didn't put the figure forward when I asked for their blessing, so there was no haggling involved

If they want to and can easily afford it then **** it. I know my parents won't be handing anything over though. :pac:

_Brian

Have two friends with daughters getting married, one this year and one next.
Both are paying for the hotel, ?15-20k.

For my own weddingany years ago we footed the bill 100% ourselves.

I have two daughters and have made provisions for college funds for them, if I'm about I'd like to throw something towards a wedding but I'd rather support their education so they are independent enough to pay for their own wedding should they wish to marry.

c68zapdsm5i1ru

My friend's daughter got married last year and they paid for the wedding. But I think the norm nowadays is for the parents to help out with some aspect - maybe pay for the wine with the meal, or for the bride and bridesmaids' dresses or something like that, as opposed to paying for the whole thing..

Nowadays most couples are in their 30s getting married, and a lot of them have received a better education and are probably earning more money than their parents ever did. It was different a generation or so ago, when most brides were in their early 20s and young couples getting married were just scraping by financially.

Also, given the scale of weddings nowadays, I think a lot of parents would baulk at footing the entire bill.

In fact, an increasing norm seems to be the requesting of cash gifts to cover the cost of the wedding.

Masala

I was at at wedding last year in a different county and the father 'ran a Free Bar' for draught pints, bottled beer, soft drinks and glasses of Wine. No Spirits, Shots included.

Very generous he was... closed around 11pm. I dont think anyone dogged it and actually see people paying after the 2nd drink or so.

Couldn't tell u how much it cost....small wedding of about 90 people. I suppose €2,000 - €3,000?

please helpThank YOU

Marriage ? you would want to be mad to get married especial a Man you will be taken to the cleaners.

LordSutch

Kind of traditional to contribute to your daughters wedding, if yo can afford too . . . .

Boom_Bap

I thought that these days it's more traditional for the parents to pay for the meal rather than the whole thing.

SEPT 23 1989

I think parents are more inclined to help with a deposit on a house than a wedding

Irish-Lass

My dad paid for my sisters wedding and when I was getting married some 21 years later he did the same for me. I wasn't expecting him to do it as he had retired at that stage but he handed me cash to cover it.

Think it depends on family circumstances and I think weddings have gotten so expensive over the years. I have a daughter and not sure I would pay for the wedding but certainly would give them money to cover some of it or honeymoon

When we were buying our house (prior to the wedding) my dad had given me a deposit and also bought everything for the kitchen so definitely was not expecting money for the wedding as well (we had the house 5-6 years before we got married)

noaddedsugar

We got married a few years ago and my parents didn't pay/contribute. It would have been a bit awkward if they did seen as we got married abroad and didn't invite them. We didn't invite anyone btw not just them.

I can't see us paying for our daughters wedding in the future, if we did pay for hers then we would pay for our sons too because it would be weird to pay for ones wedding and not the others. Like I said it's not very likely we will anyway.