Spouse going to weddings without me

LegacyUser

Some background:
I've been ill with a serious condition for a few years now and i am predominantly housebound (for fear of infection) so therefore i have missed out on many events and family occasions. Over the past 6 months the treatment is finally beginning to work and I am able to get out and about a bit more but I do tire easily so cannot overdo it too much.

This year many of our friends are either getting married or having 30th birthday parties. My husband has started to go to these on his own. Now I understand that it's just me who is ill and that he needs to live his life as normal as possible but it leaves me feeling very left out.

Am I being selfish in thinking that he could give an odd one a miss - especially the weddings as we were invited as a couple and they are full day and night things? He says he hates going to them but feels he can't let any of these people down after they invited us.

But i have to admit (rightly or wrongly) that i sometimes feel let down by him putting these people's feelings before mine. I feel left out / left behind due to my illness - I'm sitting at home while he's out enjoying life. Now i know my feelings of being left out are just my feelings and I shouldn't put them onto him but I can't help how I feel.
Am I wrong to feel this way? Am i just feeling sorry for myself and should I just keep my mouth shut and accept this is my illness and no one elses?
Any thoughts would be helpful as I don't want to be a whine bag!!!

osarusan

Cinderellacantgototheball wrote: »

But i have to admit (rightly or wrongly) that i sometimes feel let down by him putting these people's feelings before mine.

I don't think that is what he is doing.

It sounds like he'd much rather he would go with you, but as you can't, he feels he should be there anyway as they are friends. If they are events you'd have wanted to go to/felt obliged to go to together, then he probably feels he should still go.

If he was just heading out with his friends all the time rather than ever spending time with you, I'd see your point, but weddings are special occasions, albeit 30th birthday parties a bit less so.

If he is leaving you at home alone all the time, then I'd say it's not the weddings or special parties that are the problem, it's the other less special occasions.

jca

Did you say to him that you are starting to feel a bit better and would like to start going to these things again. I'd say he'd be happy that you're more up to doing something and even if it's only for a few hours it would be a start.

Dial Hard

I think you need to cut him some slack. I can't imagine it's easy to be married to someone who is more or less a shut-in, and by asking him to skip these events it *kind of* comes across like you expect him to be a shut-in with you. I know that sounds harsh, and I'm sorry. But if he's been a good and supportive husband to you throughout your illness then I think it would be incredibly unfair of you to expect him to miss out on these celebrations just because you can't go.

Now, if he's out three or four nights a week and leaving you at home to entertain yourself, that's a different story, but nothing in your post suggests to me that that's the case.

Teyla Emmagan

So you feel like you should both miss out? I would see it more as him making an effort on both of your behalfs to be honest. It's not like going to weddings by yourself is much fun anyway. But there is nothing to be gained by you both sitting in the house looking at each other either.

baby and crumble

Perhaps, as your condition is improving you could start to go to some of these events with him? Say you could just go to the ceremony part of a wedding and then head home, with your husband staying for the dinner etc if he fancies it?

Everyone needs to get out and about, and it doesn't sound like he's off out with mates on random nights out- he's trying to stay connected to friends and to represent ye as a couple, which is actually quite sweet and shows a very kind side to his personality, I think. It means when you get better and can start living life fuller, you won't both find yourselves cut off from your friends and social circle, because he's been keeping it up when you've been unwell.

Nervous Wreck

Agree with everyone so far. He can't put his social life on hold for you. Sounds like he's only going to special events and sounds like you haven't told him it's bothering you. He's not a mind reader so, if you want him to know how you feel, you'll need to tell him.

You're perfectly entitled to feel how you feel. However, asking him to stop living his life is not something you're really entitled to do. By all means discuss it but, before you do, have an honest think about how putting this level of guilt on him for attending events and seeing friends will affect his happiness.

Bandana boy

I have sympathy for you and your condition and I can see how you are upset to be missing out, but expecting him to miss out as well because you are jealous of his ability to go does seems very selfish on your part.

How many of these could he be going to ? Is he not spending 350+ nights of the year at home with you and supporting you . Begrudging him attending milestone events in his friends lives would be counter productive , he probably feels a little guilty going already and he really should not .I fear if you pressure him into missing these long term he will resent you.

GingerLily

baby and crumble wrote: »

Perhaps, as your condition is improving you could start to go to some of these events with him? Say you could just go to the ceremony part of a wedding and then head home, with your husband staying for the dinner etc if he fancies it?

Everyone needs to get out and about, and it doesn't sound like he's off out with mates on random nights out- he's trying to stay connected to friends and to represent ye as a couple, which is actually quite sweet and shows a very kind side to his personality, I think. It means when you get better and can start living life fuller, you won't both find yourselves cut off from your friends and social circle, because he's been keeping it up when you've been unwell.

Really good point their B&C, it's an important time to maintain relationships as a lot of friendships die off around this age.
So long as it's a few times month then I think you'll just have deal with being left behind, I imagine for every time he does go out there's a dozen other opportunities that he doesn't take so he can stay with you and keep you company.


I hope you get better soon OP and your situation improves!

miamee

This is a tough one and I can see it from both points of view.

You mention that you have been ill for several years and it's only recently that you are starting to improve and have more energy. Is it possible that he is now taking that opportunity (you being a little better) to go out and do things he has missed out on for several years? I know you said your friends are starting to get married and have milestone birthdays but I'm sure he has probably missed out on lots of other things while you were ill - as have you. If you feel up to going and your doctor thinks it's a good idea maybe say to your husband that you'd like to go to one that is close to home and see how it goes. I'm sure he'd be delighted to have you come along rather than go alone.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all your replies and for helping me see what I struggled to.

I suppose I'm just finding it difficult to accept that while my life has been suspended, his has not. This illness has taken so much from me already that I guess I'm just scared that it may take my husband too. I'm scared that while he's out enjoying himself with others that he will see the life that he could have if he wasn't married to me. I became ill very soon after we got married and our 4 years of married life has been an endless round of medical dramas. I'm so lucky to have such an amazing man in my life and I know it's not easy being married to someone with a serious illness. And I also know that he has sacrificed at lot and I feel so guilty about that everyday but on the flipside I didn't exactly choose to get cancer so it's almost like I'm being punished twice.

It's just frustrating I guess but being totally honest, I was only looking at the wedding/party situation from my side (woe is me kind of way) and not his. So on that note I've decided that I need to grow a pair and just accept that for the foreseeable future this is the way life has got to be and who knows, maybe if this treatment keeps working then i'll be back on his arm at weddings/parties next summer!

bucketybuck

If you said you wanted to go with him that would be one thing, but saying that you just don't want him to go at all seems absurd. What exactly do you want to do that night instead, just the two of you sit in the house and watch tv? Don't you do that most other nights?

How many events are you talking about? If he was out every night of every weekend then I could see your point but just weddings and 30th birthdays? There couldn't be that many of them.

I'm sorry that you can't join in these things, but I haven't seen one reason why he needs to skip them all as well, and I suspect trying to guilt him into doing so is would just lead to resentment.

woodchuck

OP it would help if you could clarify how frequently these events are? Are we talking every weekend? We are entering wedding season, so it wouldn't surprise me tbh...

If it is every weekend-ish, then I don't think it's unreasonable for him to give the odd one a miss for your sake. I assume he's working full time, so weekdays I'm sure he gets caught up in routine housework etc in the small amount of time at home in the evening before getting ready for bed to start it all over again the next day. So it's understandable that you'd like some quality time together at the weekend, even if it is just getting a take away and watching a movie together.

However if it's not very frequent, then it is a bit unreasonable to ask him not to go to these events. As harsh as it might sound, there's no reason for the two of you to be stuck at home

As you're on the mend though, could you start making a short appearance at some of these events? If a 30th is in a local area, maybe you could go for a hour? For a wedding, maybe you'd be up for the ceremony or meal, but head to bed once the afters kick off?

MHickman

I think how you're feeling about the situation has more to do with the fact that you can't go, rather than that he can and does go without you. It must be frustrating for you at some level that he's able to go enjoy these things while you're at home - because you'd like to go too! Framing it in that way, rather than as others have suggested that you begrudge him getting out and living his life, makes it much more understandable.

I think though as others have said you do have to grin and bear it to an extent - I'm sure if he was missing them all you'd be giving him a talking to about not putting his life on hold, not letting the illness affect his life etc etc. As your health is improving (great news by the way!) it might not be too long until you're able to attend things again as a couple. If it's really upsetting you talk to him of course, but do be prepared with a suggestion of what alternatives there are.

leggo

MHickman wrote: »

I think how you're feeling about the situation has more to do with the fact that you can't go, rather than that he can and does go without you. It must be frustrating for you at some level that he's able to go enjoy these things while you're at home - because you'd like to go too! Framing it in that way, rather than as others have suggested that you begrudge him getting out and living his life, makes it much more understandable.

Yeah, I was thinking this myself before I read this response. I think he's the embodiment of the frustration you're feeling having these moments taken away from you, rather than him or you doing anything wrong.

The trick here, I think, is to accept these feelings for what they are and plan around them, rather than fighting them or him even. Maybe let him know how you're feeling and come up with ways together than you can spend the time when he's gone, for example do you have a family member you could bring into the loop who'd be free some of these nights where you guys could do something special at home, so he gets to go but you also have something to look forward to? I think these nights are important for him to have too and, as long as you're both spending the time positively and it's not one big negative for you, will make you stronger as a partnership in the long run.

Call a spade a spade.

Yes, it's a selfish and completely unfair response on your part.

You're only human and you're having a tough run of it but it's 100% wrong to lay a guilt trip on him (he'll feel it, stated openly or not).

The man's doing right by you from what you say so give up feeling like him doing normal things is somehow taking something away from you.

It's not and you're wrong to allow yourself to think about it that way.

LegacyUser

Just to clarify for those who asked

He has already gone to 4 weddings and 3 30th this year. In June alone we have been invited to 3 more weddings and there will be day-after parties for 2 of those. In July we have already received 1 wedding invitation and will receive another 2 for the end of July. Also in July there will be a 50th birthday and a 60th birthday within his family. Although we have no invitations yet, we know we will be invited to at least 1 wedding every month from now til the end of the year. It's just one of those years that many of our friends/family decided to get wed.

You also have to remember that it's not just the day of the wedding but also the next day as he's either hungover or with close friends/family there's an after party to attend. On top of that there's been stag parties etc so it's not like I'm complaining about one or 2 events. And yes I would love nothing more to be getting dolled up and going myself but it's not an option right now - while I'm getting a bit better the docs don't want me to be in big crowds yet in case of infection as I've had 2 major setbacks over the past 18 months.

So there you have it - maybe this will give you some idea why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. .

bucketybuck

I think we do sympathise with your situation but I still don't see exactly what your alternative is, what is the reasoning for making him miss these events? What would it change or solve?

groovyg

Its obviously the year everybody in your circle of friends is getting married, It was the same for me a few years ago we went to 10 over a 6 month period, I haven't been to anymore since as most of our friends are married.
As for the day after we didn't attend many of those but they are much more relaxed day than the actual wedding day and you get to talk to the bride and groom which is almost impossible on their wedding day.
Whats the alternative - he doesn't go to the weddings?

noodler

If you were up for it then I'd certainly think he'd be delighted to go for the meal and then head off at 10/11.

professore

OP imagine in the future when you are 100% better and he has some illness -will you stay home just because he can't go? I know your condition sucks but it's just how things are. Weddings happen when people are in their 30s - there is a guy in my office who attends a wedding practically every weekend

December2012

Cinderellacantgototheball wrote: »

Just to clarify for those who asked

He has already gone to 4 weddings and 3 30th this year. In June alone we have been invited to 3 more weddings and there will be day-after parties for 2 of those. In July we have already received 1 wedding invitation and will receive another 2 for the end of July. Also in July there will be a 50th birthday and a 60th birthday within his family. Although we have no invitations yet, we know we will be invited to at least 1 wedding every month from now til the end of the year. It's just one of those years that many of our friends/family decided to get wed.

You also have to remember that it's not just the day of the wedding but also the next day as he's either hungover or with close friends/family there's an after party to attend. On top of that there's been stag parties etc so it's not like I'm complaining about one or 2 events. And yes I would love nothing more to be getting dolled up and going myself but it's not an option right now - while I'm getting a bit better the docs don't want me to be in big crowds yet in case of infection as I've had 2 major setbacks over the past 18 months.

So there you have it - maybe this will give you some idea why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. .

And the rest of the time? Where is he, with you?

LegacyUser

OP,
Opinion from someone suffering from serious illness (cancer) who has to miss out on alot while undergoing treatment/surgeries etc.

My partner would always forego going to an event/wedding to be with me. She even decided to skip some things I wasn't even aware were happening. Do I feel valued/loved by her for doing this? Of course.

But I have said to her; Go, continue living your life. Don't isolate yourself. Have fun.

Hopefully I will improve & return to good health & can join her and all the parts of life I've been missing. But for the moment I can't and I don't want to restrict her.

It's really nice to know she'd skip out on these things to be with me if I needed/wanted. It can be lonely & sad sitting in when your partner & friends are out having fun. But them the breaks. I don't want someone I love to miss out on parts of life. Try to change those feelings you have (lonely & sad) to more positive emotions.

These are just my thoughts but I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm lucky with my partner, it sounds like you are too.

Get well soon

twill

With serious illness most people, unless they have direct experience, don't realise how many things are sacrificed - work, social life, hobbies - and tend to assume that the seriousness of the illness supersedes everything else. These things, and the suffering involved, aren't spoken about. I think they're not discussed by those involved, either. The sufferer feels too guilty for the sacrifices made by their carers to complain, and the carer doesn't want to seem to blame the sick person by talking about their experience.

Some people think gratitude should outweigh your feelings, but they're not invalid. What I suspect is happening at the moment is that, because you are beginning to recover, you are both beginning to look to future possibilities and desperately want to throw off the tension of the last few years and feel a part of the human race again. Unfortunately you are not quite there yet, but your husband is addicted to the feeling of normality, and you're both pulling in opposite directions. I wonder if you are getting any counselling, or talking to people who have experience. If you could find a way to communicate with your husband without blame or rancour, just to talk about what you're both going through, it could be good for both of you.

The very best of luck for your recovery.

blairbear

Hi OP,

I really sympathise with you. That's a huge number of nights out/two day parties and as you said yourself, the hangovers the following days have also to be contended with.

I would feel just how you're feeling. In a perfect world, you wouldn't feel resentful and you'd wave him off at the door, but you're human and you've had a very rough time of it.

Tbh, sick or not, I don't know anyone who can make every event invite or every wedding. Even financially, it's rarely feasible. If you can't be in crowds, would you still be able for a weekend away somewhere, just the two of you?

Personally I think he should give the odd event/wedding a miss and stay home with you. Posters are saying "what is he meant to do, just sit at home and watch tv with you?" Well YEAH. Those cosy evenings at home instead of being out partying are often one of the nicest parts of a relationship.

Don't guilt trip yourself too much, OP. Have a chat with him. Tell him you feel a bit isolated and down about these occasions, without apportioning any blame, and see if you can reach a compromise or plan something nice together.

I hope you continue to feel better.

bucketybuck

blairbear wrote: »

Well YEAH. Those cosy evenings at home instead of being out partying are often one of the nicest parts of a relationship.

Which is probably why numerous people have asked where he spends the rest of the week...

If they are together every other night watching TV, if he spends every weekday at home and the majority of weekends at home watching TV, then wanting him to spend these particular nights at home as well seems rather hollow.

Lets be honest, this isn't about the OP wanting to spend time with her other half, indications are they spend plenty of time together. This is about him doing something she can't do.

twill

blairbear wrote: »

Tbh, sick or not, I don't know anyone who can make every event invite or every wedding. Even financially, it's rarely feasible.

Good point. I can't say what's acceptable in terms of other people's financial arrangements, but it's certainly an issue I would be raising.

Wesser

Are you housebound just because you are afraid of infection?

Or have you specifically advise by your Dr not to leave the house?

Why not check with your Dr?

I thijnk it's unlikely she would say that you have to stay in the house continuously.


Oh sorry just say you already answered this question.

LegacyUser

For those of you are saying "he spends the rest of the time with me", I have to correct you on that because of course he doesn't - i dont know any couple who spend every free minute with each other. My husband works in his own business so some evenings are spent at meetings or doing paperwork etc. He also plays gaa for our local club and so is often either away at games or training. So it's not like we're spending every minute of everyday together gazing into each others eyes!!!! Life doesn't work that way and normal everyday things still go on.

As regards the money side of things it does cross my mind but the way I look at it is if my husband is working hard to earn the money then I'm not going to tell him how to spend it - as it is, a lot of our money goes on my medical bills so who am I to dictate where he spends money.

Anyway thanks for all you input. It's good to see other perspectives as sometimes mine is clouded by my illness.

lisasimpson

I know you are probably wary of picking up something as you are startin to feel betterbut are any of the weddings in a local church? If the local church had a crying room would you go to the church part and sit in there with your other half.. you would feel part of the day and not so isolated? Might help wih cabin fever of been stuck at home too

Sleepy

OP, one thing to consider: if neither yourself nor your huband are attending these social events now, will the invites continue to come for the inevitable Baby Showers / Christenings, the 40ths etc. when you've recovered? Not even out of malice but when you isolate yourselves socially, the invites tend to dry up over time. People just sort of forget about you or don't bother inviting you because they don't see the point if you never attend...

Instead of looking at it as him swanning about having fun while you're stuck at home, look at it as him representing both of you and maintainng your ties to your social network. If you're starting to feel more up to things and could handle smaller social occasions, maybe you could ask him to extend some invitations to your friends to call around to yours for dinner / a few drinks etc. while he's at these events?