Childs friends in the house?

xzanti

Just wondering what other people's stance is on this.

Do you let your kids friends walk in and out of your home whenever they feel like it?

We live in a rural area and my 6 year old's friends from neighboring houses tend to call over and just walk in. My house is tiny and I always usher them back out to play. The odd time if it's raining I'll let them into the house but I don't make a habit of it as the bedroom ends up like a bomb hit it and I'm 6 months pregnant at the moment and I always end up having to pick up after them.

We have a big garden with a trampoline, swings etc for them to play with.

I grew up in Dublin, in an estate, and odd time you might be allowed have your friends in the house as a treat, but we certainly didn't just walk in and make ourselves at home.

The other neighbors seem to just let the kids roam in and out, but they're all related to each other, and they're homes are significantly larger than mine.

What do others think?

ncmc

I'm just starting to experience this, we live in an estate and there are a group of girls that are around 5/6, my daughter is only 3 but she loves playing with them and regularly invites them in to the house! I just usher them out again and tell them to play outside. They only tend to be out if the weather is dry anyway. I wouldn't be comfortable with having kids in the house to be honest. I don't mind maybe one at a time the odd time, at least that way I can just say it to the childs parent that they are in our house. But like yourself, I am heavily pregnant and we have a dog that is nervous around other kids, so I just don't want a parade of kids coming in and out and I would be worried something could happen with the dog.

I would have no qualms saying 'it doesn't suit to come in for a playdate right now, but you can play in the garden' When the baby arrives, you are going to need a bit of peace and quiet and won't want a stream of kids coming and going. In my case, I wouldn't want my daughter going in to other people's houses either so I suppose that makes it easier for me to say no.

I remember there was a thread here a while back from a woman that didn't want kids coming in to her house but had no issue with her child going into other houses. She kind of got lambasted it has to be said!

xzanti

Yeah, I don't particularly like my son casually disappearing into anyone else's house either. He's told to stay where I can see him.

Boom_Bap

If kids are coming into my house, I always tell them to run back home and tell their parents. We'd always send a message over whatsapp as well to the parents.

I don't mind them coming in, I know where my kids are, I know who their friends are, I learn about their interests and know they are safe.

It's normally only during the winter or rainy days when this happens though.

shesty

My parents didn't really encourage kids in the house, definitely not upstairs in bedrooms ever, and in the back garden was ok.
We haven't reached this stage yet although it's not far off, but I think my feeling will be not upstairs, prefer not indoors unless it's very wet and ok in the garden.We live in a housing estate too.The way our house is laid out, we would have no privacy or peace downstairs if there were kids in here, so I think I won't be encouraging it much.

harr

Front and back garden fine...a few close neighbors allowed in house on occasion once parents know..I only work one day a week and am a stay at home dad the rest of week and to honest I don't feel comfortable with kids I don't know well running in and out of the house.
Same with my own kids I don't allow them to wander in and out of other peoples houses I would rather know where they are...it's fine once they ask and it's ok with the neighbors but only the neighbors I know well..my two are still young enough 8 and 6

Neyite

Our neighbourhood rules are that they play outside. No going into neighbour houses unless you ask parents first and they know where you are. No going upstairs in houses. If it was webbing rain then I'd let them in to play inside as I've the room for them and text the parent to let them know.

We were outside in all weathers and if it was really bad we just played in someone's shed or garage, and luckily we can do the same with our kids where we live.

jester77

They are 6, more than capable of tidying up after themselves. My son is only 3 and the room also looks like a bomb went off when his friends are over, but he knows he has to tidy it up afterwards.

cbyrd

I wouldn't allow a child to just walk in. What about privacy? Ever meet a neighbour's child when you've forgotten something just before you jump into the shower? I have!
Rules that apply to adults have to apply to children. Use the doorbell, ask permission. It's not something you want happening when you're feeding a newborn or trying to get a nap.
Lock your door for a while so they have to knock and tell your own child no indoor play. It's just basic manners, not to mention safety. I wouldn't want my child playing where I can't at least shout them home. They're only allowed play inside a house of someone I actually know and like and would have their phone number.

Donadea Leo

Don't want to hijack the thread just wondering about a similar theme. Our daughter is 6 and plays with some of the other kids on the estate coming and going from their houses to our house etc., and I'm fine with that.
There is however one little girl who is about 4 years older than our daughter who comes over looking for her. I don't mind if they are all playing together as a group but I'm not too keen on her hanging around with someone with this age gap exclusively.

This little girl seems to play with the group when our daughter is out but not so much when she isn't. I've also noticed that they sometimes segregate and our daughter is playing with this child rather than the others.There are lots of other kids this girl's age around also but she doesn't seem to play with them. Her family are very nice and everything so I have no issue with them. My wife is very much of the opinion - she's too old for her and she shouldn't play with her!

Anyway so far we've said it is ok to be friendly with her and older children in general and if ye're all playing together then that's fine, but not calling over to her house to play with her as she is too old for you. There is nothing wrong with this little girl, she's clearly a lot more advanced than our daughter as you'd expect given the age gap and I'm sure this is an appeal for our daughter. She can be a little argumentative with me if I say our daughter has to come in or we're doing something, which I'm not too impressed with but then again I'm sure she's lonely and just wants someone to play with.

Anyone have this experience or share some wisdom.

Neyite

It may be that she's bullied or picked on by kids her own age, or at a different developmental level where the others are getting into make-up and boys and she's still liking dolls. I don't see the harm personally.

My 5yo is very close to his 10yo cousin. Closer to the one nearer to him in age but they play well together. I'm sure as the teen years hit there will be a natural veering off to different friendships between them but I love that they are friends. There are lots of advantages for my son to play with an older child - learning new games, being more aware of stuff that might be dangerous, and the 10yo being there means I can leave them to play in the garden unsupervised, knowing he'll run in to get me if I'm needed.

Donadea Leo

Thanks for that,
I do see there can be positives, though I would argue cousins are a slightly different story. I veer from thinking we are completely overthinking this parenting lark to but if something feels slightly uncomfortable you need to do something about it.

our daughter goes to creche which unfortunately has few girls her own age and she ends up playing with older children instead so this age group is quite familiar to her. We would be keen for her to play with children her own age and develop friendships as she reports (and yes I think all kids this age do) that nobody in her class plays with her etc (I have seen them playing perfectly fine but sometimes they don't want to play the games she wants to play).

I don't know my thinking is we should just butt out and support her to make up her own mind but ensure we have clear boundaries about times and where they go etc. which are appropriate for her age, and ensure she continues to develop friendships with the other girls her own age also.

lawred2

If I know them and their parents then I couldn't care less.

Neyite

That might all sort itself out in school anyway as often younger kids are put into a different area of the playground from the older ones.

Go with your judgement is all you can do really. You could set up a few playdates with kids her own age if that would work.

pwurple

Jaysus I'm delighted to have other kids over. I like that my children have made friends, that their social skills are good, and they all entertain eachother.

No bedrooms, absolutely, bedrooms are for sleeping., but they all run around between the gardens here, and us parents encourage it. There is one woman up the road who insists on 'playdate' appointments, but all that happens is her kid gets left out of the fun.

shesty

That's tricky but I know where you're coming from.Our three year old tends towards older kids too....she's not out on the road but if we are in playgrounds etc she'll tend towards any 7/8 year olds and older that are around.She's way too small!To be honest I've started saying it to her, because she's going to get hurt, she runs madly after them.I keep telling her to play with 'small' kids (ie, her own age) because she'll get knocked over, because she's too small.

I though it was just me being picky but my minder said one day that a ten year old was out on the road outside the minder's house telling my daughter she wanted to be friends with her and she took my kids in (they play in a secure garden out front sometimes) because the girl was too old to be going on like that and too old to be playing with my daughter.I was kind of reassured that it wasn't just me thinking like that!

xzanti

pwurple wrote: »

Jaysus I'm delighted to have other kids over. I like that my children have made friends, that their social skills are good, and they all entertain eachother.

.

Don't think anyone is saying that they don't want their kids to have friends in fairness.

iguana

Another slight hijack. My son's special toys are in his bedroom. All of his favourites and the ones with small pieces that could easily get lost, special lego, jigsaws, etc. He also has a playroom with his more ordinary toys in it. My rule is that when other kids come to play, they play in the playroom or the garden. He has 3 or 4 friends who are fine to play with the toys in his bedroom, so I don't care what room they go in if one of them is visiting. But with other friends or if there are a lot of kids visiting, the bedroom is off-bounds. Problem is I live in a bungalow and my son's bedroom overlooks the patio so his bedroom and the toys in it are totally visible. It's been an issue in the past with kids seeing into the bedroom and then only wanting to go in there. Would it be nuts to always pull the blind down when we have kids visiting? Or would the pulled blind just be more tempting? I'm about this close to putting a door between the livingrooms and bedrooms and just locking it if there are visitors that I don't want in the bedrooms.

Neyite

Pull that blind and lock the doors

My mum has lots of out-of-bounds rooms for us coming with her toddler grandkids. It's easier to lock the doors of the rooms that they shouldn't go in and the garden gate and let them free-range.

And put hooks up so kids cant get the keys or that they won't get lost.

lawred2

iguana wrote: »

Another slight hijack. My son's special toys are in his bedroom. All of his favourites and the ones with small pieces that could easily get lost, special lego, jigsaws, etc. He also has a playroom with his more ordinary toys in it. My rule is that when other kids come to play, they play in the playroom or the garden. He has 3 or 4 friends who are fine to play with the toys in his bedroom, so I don't care what room they go in if one of them is visiting. But with other friends or if there are a lot of kids visiting, the bedroom is off-bounds. Problem is I live in a bungalow and my son's bedroom overlooks the patio so his bedroom and the toys in it are totally visible. It's been an issue in the past with kids seeing into the bedroom and then only wanting to go in there. Would it be nuts to always pull the blind down when we have kids visiting? Or would the pulled blind just be more tempting? I'm about this close to putting a door between the livingrooms and bedrooms and just locking it if there are visitors that I don't want in the bedrooms.

What age is your son?

If he's old enough - why not entrust him as to whether his room is off limits or not?

Otherwise just pull the blinds down.

mfceiling

Jaysus my house is a free for all so!! I've 3 girls and in the estate they've loads of pals. They spend more time in my house than their own houses. I scold them all from time to time but at the end of the day they are safe and we can keep an eye on them. They do play outside but they do spend a lot of time in our playroom.

Half the time we end up having pizza nights on Friday with maybe an extra 5 or 6 kids but again they will only be small for a while and they are all fairly well mannered and behaved. I suppose it's not bad that they have good friends and that they all look out for each other.

Delphinium

Pizza nights with extra children is wonderful. But please teach your children not to expect food in other peoples houses.

Explain that maybe they didn't have time to shop or were too busy to cook. some people are on extremely tight budgets and an extra few mouths to feed can make a difference.
I once had a neighbour in this position and hated children coming in as she thought they should be given treats which she couldn't afford. I told her mine were not allowed eat in other houses without my permission and were never to expect treats.
Once she accepted this her children became some of the most friendly in the area and no one noticed the lack of treats.
No need for the children to know the money was tight.

iguana

lawred2 wrote: »

What age is your son?

If he's old enough - why not entrust him as to whether his room is off limits or not?

He's only 4 and a few of the kids he plays with are older than him so it's easy enough for them to convince him to do something that will leave him upset after they are gone because he can't fully understand the consequences. He has lots of toys with small bits and he keeps them really well himself because he hates it when pieces go missing. Some of his friends are fine to play with them but others range between overly boisterous and awful. There is one kid I won't let in the house anymore because he does things like picks up boxes of jigsaw, tips them on the floor, and just keeps going. All while his mum looks on and smiles.

lawred2

iguana wrote: »

He's only 4 and a few of the kids he plays with are older than him so it's easy enough for them to convince him to do something that will leave him upset after they are gone because he can't fully understand the consequences. He has lots of toys with small bits and he keeps them really well himself because he hates it when pieces go missing. Some of his friends are fine to play with them but others are range between boisterous and awful. There is one kid I won't let in the house anymore because he does things like picks up boxes of jigsaw, tips them on the floor, and just keeps going. All while his mum looks on and smiles.

you won't let him in the house?

I think that's a bit extreme really. I know that sort of stuff is annoying but children will be children. You can't expect your sensibilities to extend to young children.

But it's your house. Your rules.

As for your question - just pull the blinds down and lock the door.

Neyite

Delphinium wrote: »

Explain that maybe they didn't have time to shop or were too busy to cook. some people are on extremely tight budgets and an extra few mouths to feed can make a difference.
I once had a neighbour in this position and hated children coming in as she thought they should be given treats which she couldn't afford. I told her mine were not allowed eat in other houses without my permission and were never to expect treats.
Once she accepted this her children became some of the most friendly in the area and no one noticed the lack of treats.
No need for the children to know the money was tight.

My new neighbour has sat my son at her dinner table a few times when he's been playing there. Very generous and kind of her but I'm making dinner in my house too and then he won't eat it so it's food wasted. Also, he's quite fussy at the best of times and I want to encourage us all to sit and eat together as a family. And if I had to reciprocate, neighbour has 4 kids so while it's no issue to give one extra kid a tiny plateful for her, I'd probably have to cook double!

lawred2 wrote: »

you won't let him in the house?

I think that's a bit extreme really. I know that sort of stuff is annoying but children will be children. You can't expect your sensibilities to extend to young children..

At 4 years old they are well able to understand they are not supposed to tip out all the jigsaws or trash the room. It would not be acceptable if they were in school or crèche and they are well able at that age to tidy up their toys after them.

There is nothing worse than a kid who's old enough to know better tipping every toy box into a heap in the middle of your floor - except perhaps his or her simpering parent who thinks that their kid stomping all over another child's toys is "cute". When I see kids bashing his toys off a wall to deliberately smash it, they get one warning then sent home if they continue.

My house my rules. Welcome to come in and play with my son's toys if you are careful with them and in turn I'll make sure the same happens at your house.

pwurple

iguana wrote: »

He's only 4 and a few of the kids he plays with are older than him so it's easy enough for them to convince him to do something that will leave him upset after they are gone because he can't fully understand the consequences. He has lots of toys with small bits and he keeps them really well himself because he hates it when pieces go missing. Some of his friends are fine to play with them but others range between overly boisterous and awful. There is one kid I won't let in the house anymore because he does things like picks up boxes of jigsaw, tips them on the floor, and just keeps going. All while his mum looks on and smiles.

So say something yourself to him? Your house, your rules. Bit mean to exclude him because no-one is telling him the rules. He probably does that the whole time at home and the long-suffering mother just spends her time tidying up and sighing.

I've been in people's houses where every wall is crayoned. They come over and go, wow, do you paint often? I'm like, "No, I don't let them write on the walls in the first place."

I've no problem telling someone in my house what is expected if they are badly behaved. There's no smacks or anything like that, but someone elses's Mammy telling you what to do is often a lot more effective than their own.