Issue with grandparents

Rosemary 10

Hi all...just looking for some advice. My 5 month old has two cousins ages 2 and 3 they're brother and sister and they're grandparents have them all the time!! Theyre together all weekend , go on fun walks and day trips ect even weekday sleepovers and so much more. they're so close and it's been like that since the day they where born. However it's not the case with my baby? they complain and say it's me I never give her Bla Bla but truth is they never ask!! In fact when I do ask if they could take her while I work it's always inconvenient. I don't want my child to feel left out when she's older so how do I sort this now ? I'm pretty sure they don't see what I see

Myles de Selby

I can see that this is a bit dispiriting for you. . Having known the cousins since they were babies they are now getting much more interaction from them as 2 and 3 year olds and it can be difficult for the 'new kid on the block'.

I would be wary of starting off by asking them to mind your baby while you are at work . They may see a difference between having the cousins at the weekend (which is presumably an optional thing with flexible times) and being asked to be a childminder.

Also, while they enjoy when the cousins are with them they probably value the time when they are not! In some respect the calender may be fullish but that doesn't mean they don't care about you and baby.

Perhaps you and baby joining them and the cousins on some weekend outings would be a good start?

Lady is a tramp

Are these your own parents or the child's father's parents? Do you have a close relationship with them yourself?

Rosemary 10

Myles de Selby wrote: »

I can see that this is a bit dispiriting for you. . Having known the cousins since they were babies they are now getting much more interaction from them as 2 and 3 year olds and it can be difficult for the 'new kid on the block'.

I would be wary of starting off by asking them to mind your baby while you are at work . They may see a difference between having the cousins at the weekend (which is presumably an optional thing with flexible times) and being asked to be a childminder.

Also, while they enjoy when the cousins are with them they probably value the time when they are not! In some respect the calender may be fullish but that doesn't mean they don't care about you and baby.

Perhaps you and baby joining them and the cousins on some weekend outings would be a good start?

Thanks for the reply...but thing is it's not only the weekends they have the cousins they tell me they're working or busy but when I call up after work for my baby to see them the cousins are there and have been there for hours also i never know about any of the outings because my baby's never invited xx

Rosemary 10

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

Are these your own parents or the child's father's parents? Do you have a close relationship with them yourself?

Fathers parents ...and we where super close but all this has kinda made me back off a bit xx

njs030

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

Fathers parents ...and we where super close but all this has kinda made me back off a bit xx

Perhaps the father should be taking the child over when he is looking after him/her rather than you?
That might make things easier.

Rosemary 10

notjustsweet wrote: »

Perhaps the father should be taking the child over when he is looking after him/her rather than you?
That might make things easier.

Fathers not around to much so if I don't do it my child will never see her other grandparents...not once have they ever even called in to see her it's always been me going up and making the effort I don't get it at all. She's starting to make strange with them too so it's beginning to affect my baby already

daisy123

Try not to worry...grandparents are a little older now than when the other two were babies. They may not have the energy for a 5month old too. There's a big difference. Your baby will settle into their lives when the time is right!

Maybe the other parents need a bit more help. You don't know what's going on with their lives. Just enjoy your time with your baby. There's time enough for grandparents to take a bigger role. Babies play strange, even if they see people every day. Your baby will be fine!

Rosemary 10

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

Fathers parents ...and we where super close but all this has kinda made me back off a bit xx

Are the cousins your husband's sisters children?

Rosemary 10

bubblypop wrote: »

Are the cousins your husband's sisters children?

No they're his brothers children x

njs030

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

Fathers not around to much so if I don't do it my child will never see her other grandparents...not once have they ever even called in to see her it's always been me going up and making the effort I don't get it at all. She's starting to make strange with them too so it's beginning to affect my baby already

Well maybe they feel a little bit uncomfortable calling to the house of their sons ex girlfriend.
Also your child is a lot younger than the other and not everyone wants to look after a baby, I would happily look after older children but not babies!

Big Bag of Chips

I know your baby is your no 1 priority, but she's only 5 months! She hasn't a clue. She genuinely hasn't a clue who these people are. She doesn't know they're her grandparents. She doesn't know they are supposed to be a part of her family etc. She is in no way affected by not going on days out with them! If you are not in a relationship with the dad, and the dad hasn't much of a relationship with his child then who knows how the grandparents feel? They might feel torn between the two of you and are unsure how to act. Their son might be putting pressure on them to not help you out.

It's funny that the thread is about the lack of involvement from the grandparents, but the father's lack of involvement only gets a passing mention. It is very difficult as a single parent to balance everything and everyone, but, it's not your job to push a relationship with the dad's side of the family. You can of course encourage it and facilitate it if they are interested, but if they are not, then you can't force it. And you shouldn't have to. You've enough to be doing.

The grandparents know where you are. They know how to contact you. If they want to see their grandchild then they can come to you. But I cannot stress enough, your child will not lose out by not having a close bond to these people! There will be so many other people in your child's life over the years that she won't lose out. The grandparents for whatever reason aren't available to you. Surround yourself with people who are. You will be much happier, and in turn your child will too.

She will only be affected by this, if you teach her she should be affected by it.

pwurple

Yes, yes and yes to what Big Bag of Chips said.

Your baby is 5 months old, let's get a bit of perspective here.

From your post, you are being both overly touchy, and a bit bloody demanding. A 5 month old is a completely different proposal to a toddler. And if you are not part of their family, you have absolutely no right to make any demands on their time whatsoever. I know you want her to have a relationship with her grandparents, but every family dynamic is different.

It's very awkward for them if you are not with the father anymore. Is this visitation, how does he feel about it, what are the legal obligations? Is the father even a legal guardian, were you married at the time you had the baby? It can all get very complicated and I understand their reticence completely.

Tread softly with them, don't do drop-offs, do time together for the first year or two, and then you might see solo invitations coming along.

beechwood55

What does your partner think? (I think from previous posts you are still together).

njs030

beechwood55 wrote: »

What does your partner think? (I think from previous posts you are still together).

Oh yes I remember the poster now. Doesn't the baby stay there 2 nights a week op?

Miaireland

Op, I think one of the issues here is the fact you ask the grandparents to look after your baby while you work. I get the feeling these grandparents do not want to be child care or else feel that they cannot mind three kids. Why not invite them over for coffee some afternoon and they can spend time with there granddaughter.

scarepanda

Op, I got the impression from your post that you are still in a relationship with your daughter's Dad. Can you confirm either way please? What is the relationship historically like between your daughter's Dad and his parents?

I ask because you see it all the time that grandparents may have a closer relationship with one child's children because they had a closer relationship with them growing up (no harm or distinction is ever intended to be made, it just happens). I know it certainly happened in my family. My mam was my granddad's pet and we benefited from that with our relationship with grandad. While some of her other siblings were closer to her mother and their children benefited in other ways with granny. At the end of the day they both still loved us, and we still had good relationships with both of them that grew and changed as we got older.

Op, I would honestly take a step back and let the grandparents make the choice. At the end of the day they are the adults in the relationship with your daughter and you can't force them to be as close as you would like with her. This I think would be detrimental to your daughter in the long run. In the mean time, enjoy every second with your daughter. Watch her grow and her little personality develop. Be constantly amazed, it's the best part!

(Btw, my little one made strange with everyone, except pretty much me, around that age, including her Dad. So I wouldn't put to much weight to the emotional distance having a effect on her.)

Rosemary 10

scarepanda wrote: »

Op, I got the impression from your post that you are still in a relationship with your daughter's Dad. Can you confirm either way please? What is the relationship historically like between your daughter's Dad and his parents?

I ask because you see it all the time that grandparents may have a closer relationship with one child's children because they had a closer relationship with them growing up (no harm or distinction is ever intended to be made, it just happens). I know it certainly happened in my family. My mam was my granddad's pet and we benefited from that with our relationship with grandad. While some of her other siblings were closer to her mother and their children benefited in other ways with granny. At the end of the day they both still loved us, and we still had good relationships with both of them that grew and changed as we got older.

Op, I would honestly take a step back and let the grandparents make the choice. At the end of the day they are the adults in the relationship with your daughter and you can't force them to be as close as you would like with her. This I think would be detrimental to your daughter in the long run. In the mean time, enjoy every second with your daughter. Watch her grow and her little personality develop. Be constantly amazed, it's the best part!

(Btw, my little one made strange with everyone, except pretty much me, around that age, including her Dad. So I wouldn't put to much weight to the emotional distance having a effect on her.)

No not in a relationship anymore but I never fell out with the grandparents and people on here jumping up saying I'm just asking while I work ...I ask nearly every evening after work will I call up! And I know the father hasn't been putting any pressure on them cz nobody's even heard from him in weeks.And of course it's going to affect my baby I'm trying to prevent it before she's old enough to understand...these forums Jesus people

Probably just very awkward for them so.
Maybe they feel guilty because their son isn't around for his own family, maybe they are ashamed.
Maybe they just don't know what to do or say?
Did you & your ex have a volatile relationship? We're there issues he may have spoken to him parents about, putting them in an awkward position?

If you used to be close, have a conversation with them. Just yell them they are welcome to be in their grandchilds life, & that their son doesn't need to come between them.

Lady is a tramp

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

No not in a relationship anymore but I never fell out with the grandparents and people on here jumping up saying I'm just asking while I work ...I ask nearly every evening after work will I call up!

In their position I'd find it a bit overwhelming even if my own grown child wanted to call up with their child every day ... let alone my son's ex! Maybe ease off a bit, make a regular monthly arrangement rather than contacting them nearly every evening? They might just be trying to establish boundaries.

Big Bag of Chips

Everyone here can only speculate as to why the grandparents aren't as keen. If you don't know, how are complete strangers to know?!

Maybe they feel under pressure or obliged to take their other grandchildren because they've always done it. Two small children would wear anyone out. Maybe adding your child into the mix would just be too much for them. Maybe having you call in in the evening with another child after a long day with the others is too much for them when they just want their house back!

And believe it or not, not having a close relationship with one set of grandparents WON'T have an affect on your child if you don't allow it to. There are thousands of families all over the country that aren't close with each other. The children still manage to grow up and get along fine. On the other hand if you make it an issue, if you let your child know she's different, or being treated differently then she will grow up feeling that way.

My children have 2 sets of grandparents. They are very close to 1 set and see the other set occasionally. One set will bring them on days out, weekends away (if they'd go with them!) the other set wouldn't walk to the shop with them! My kids don't care! They don't notice any difference between grandparents. They've adjusted themselves to the different houses. Children adjust themselves to situations all the time. What they might get away with at home, won't be tolerated in school, for instance.. and they know that and aren't upset by it.

Is it because her father is so unreliable that you are focusing on the grandparents?

SusieBlue

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

In their position I'd find it a bit overwhelming even if my own grown child wanted to call up with their child every day ... let alone my son's ex! Maybe ease off a bit, make a regular monthly arrangement rather than contacting them nearly every evening? They might just be trying to establish boundaries.

I agree, you may also be giving the impression that you are pushing them to be involved because you have a vested interest in getting back with their son.To them it may look as if you are using them as middle men between yourself and the baby's father.

They are adults and this is their decision. I would take their lead, suggest meeting them once a month on a set date for an hour, and let that be it. If they want any additional contact they can let you know. There is no point in pushing this when this isn't what they want.

Rosemary 10

WhiteRoses wrote: »

I agree, you may also be giving the impression that you are pushing them to be involved because you have a vested interest in getting back with their son.To them it may look as if you are using them as middle men between yourself and the baby's father.

They are adults and this is their decision. I would take their lead, suggest meeting them once a month on a set date for an hour, and let that be it. If they want any additional contact they can let you know. There is no point in pushing this when this isn't what they want.

I don't give a **** about their son I give a **** when they sit there and tell me I never bring my baby to see them and never give her to them and she has to be with them ....when that's just not true

Rosemary 10

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

I don't give a **** about their son I give a **** when they sit there and tell me I never bring my baby to see them and never give her to them and she has to be with them ....when that's just not true

Also How Is trying to involve my baby in HER FAMILY trying to get back with her dad ? 😂 Maybe all you lot justify keeping all your children from daddys side but I wasn't raised like that

SusieBlue

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

I don't give a **** about their son I give a **** when they sit there and tell me I never bring my baby to see them and never give her to them and she has to be with them ....when that's just not true

Okay, so next time they say you never bring the baby to see them whip out a text where they tell you not to call round with the baby.

Why do you care what these people think anyway? Their son only seems to be around when it suits him and they pawn you off any time you try to have your daughter spend time with them. Why are you forcing a relationship here when they clearly aren't pleasant to you and make no effort with your child?

Big Bag of Chips

My husband is the only one of his 6 siblings who visit his parents house. The rest of them wait for their parents to go to them. My husband still gets the phone calls saying "hello stranger". You have to stop being so affected by people. You are the primary carer of your child and you have to set your own boundaries.

Your child is 5 months old. You have a lot of years ahead of you to deal with them. I think maybe putting something in place, visit them every second weekend for the day? Invite them on a day out to the park or something. They might accept, they might decline, but what they say or do is out of your control.

I read some of your other posts and I see you are young. This is all new to you and you will eventually fall into your own routine and you will eventually get to a point where you will do what suits you and your daughter best and you won't let other people's opinions or input affect you quite so much.

For now, I think you need to take a step back from the parents. Maybe ring them Tues/Wed next week and offer to call over at the weekend if they're around. If they say they're not, say "no problem, sure we'll call in another day."

Suit yourself and don't make this an issue.. because it won't change things.

Rosemary 10

Miaireland wrote: »

Op, I think one of the issues here is the fact you ask the grandparents to look after your baby while you work. I get the feeling these grandparents do not want to be child care or else feel that they cannot mind three kids. Why not invite them over for coffee some afternoon and they can spend time with there granddaughter.

I asked once.

SusieBlue

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

Also How Is trying to involve my baby in HER FAMILY trying to get back with her dad ? 😂 Maybe all you lot justify keeping all your children from daddys side but I wasn't raised like that

You are missing the point. They cannot say that you are keeping the child away from them when they are the ones that won't meet up to see the child.
By stopping texting them trying to call over every day, you are not keeping the child away from them. You are simply stopping making effort with people who are making no effort with you.

Rosemary 10

beechwood55 wrote: »

What does your partner think? (I think from previous posts you are still together).

I wouldn't know beechwood of you find him let me know xxxxx

Whispered

i think you should be commended for trying op. Family is obviously important to you. How is your baby's relationship with your parents?

From experience there is no point trying to push for a relationship with grandparents if they aren't playing ball. Really and truly, they are the ones missing out. Just let their relationship develop naturally. A forced relationship isn't worth it.

Rosemary 10

Whispered wrote: »

i think you should be commended for trying op. Family is obviously important to you. How is your baby's relationship with your parents?

From experience there is no point trying to push for a relationship with grandparents if they aren't playing ball. Really and truly, they are the ones missing out. Just let their relationship develop naturally. A forced relationship isn't worth it.

It's great with my parents but they're in their mid 60s and find it hard to even lift my baby , she also has no cousins aunts or uncles on my side ...the other grandparents are much younger and they're a close family of anything ever happened to me and I wasn't here it's her dads family who will be the best support network for her

Neyite

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

Also How Is trying to involve my baby in HER FAMILY trying to get back with her dad ? 😂 Maybe all you lot justify keeping all your children from daddys side but I wasn't raised like that

Mod:

Ok, dial back the digs at other posters, eh? They are genuinely trying to help and offer solutions and suggestions.

Neyite

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

It's great with my parents but they're in their mid 60s and find it hard to even lift my baby , she also has no cousins aunts or uncles on my side ...the other grandparents are much younger and they're a close family of anything ever happened to me and I wasn't here it's her dads family who will be the best support network for her

If they are much younger, have they been at work during the day before you call up to the house?

Big Bag of Chips

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

of anything ever happenedans I wasn't here it's her dads family who will be the best support network for her

I think you need to find another support network!

Has he siblings that you are close to? Mid 60s isn't old these days. My parents are early 70s and are still well able to go. My mother probably should be slowing down now, but with 10+ grandchildren she just can't. It's not in her. In fact ALL her grandchildren are blessed that she is so good because ALL grandparents on the opposite side (4 different families) aren't great. 2 families of grandchildren don't even know their grandparents on the other side. My sister in law hasn't spoken to her parents in 9 years. Their eldest child is 7.

Whispered

It sounds to me like you're doing your best in less than ideal circumstances. Many women, where the father isn't around, wouldn't bother pushing for a relationship.

Have you tried asking them straight out if everything is ok? From your posts it seems your childs father has gone AWOL. Maybe they're struggling with that (although in my view should be grateful for a relationship with their grandchild regardless). Maybe he's gone and somehow blamed you (not to say he has but I've seen one person in particular who could make himself out to be a saint while stealing, cheating, gambling, dealing). No matter what he does his mother blames whoever he's with at the time for being a bad influence. I don't know your circumstances at all but I guess what I'm trying to say is, there may be more going on than them just not having an interest.

If your relationship was good before, maybe you could just talk to them and clear the air.

Then there is the fact that at 5 months your baby wouldn't be as interactive as the toddlers. Some people just aren't brilliant with them when they're tiny and get more fun from the messing that comes with toddlers.

scarepanda

Rosemary 10 wrote:

No not in a relationship anymore but I never fell out with the grandparents and people on here jumping up saying I'm just asking while I work ...I ask nearly every evening after work will I call up! And I know the father hasn't been putting any pressure on them cz nobody's even heard from him in weeks.And of course it's going to affect my baby I'm trying to prevent it before she's old enough to understand...these forums Jesus people

Op, I never said anything about when you do or don't ask the grandparents to be involved. I never attacked you in my post, but I'm sorry if you got that from what I said.

I think if your not in a relationship with her dad anymore, irrespective of whether you have any ill feelings towards them or not, that that has more to do with it than anything you or your daughter have or have not done. Chances are there's something you don't necessarily know anything about that could be the underlying cause of this situation. It's not nice nor is it fair that your daughter is being treated in a different way than her cousins, especially when it's in a negative way. But In my honest opinion, and you don't have to agree with me, if you force the situation and 'make' them have a relationship with your daughter, your daughter will be worse off than if you let the relationship develop naturally, even that means that they don't have one. By all means keep the communication lines open and facilitate the relationship as much as possible, but don't force it.

That's my cents. I hope everything works out in the future.

Rosemary 10

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think you need to find another support network!

Has he siblings that you are close to? Mid 60s isn't old these days. My parents are early 70s and are still well able to go. My mother probably should be slowing down now, but with 10+ grandchildren she just can't. It's not in her. In fact ALL her grandchildren are blessed that she is so good because ALL grandparents on the opposite side (4 different families) aren't great. 2 families of grandchildren don't even know their grandparents on the other side. My sister in law hasn't spoken to her parents in 9 years. Their eldest child is 7.

Plenty of 70 year olds are more capable then 60 year olds I'm not here to compare parents

Wabbit Ears

My mother is much closer to my niece than my kids to the extent of openly saying she is her favourite in front of my kids. My kids don't need a relationship like that so I don't make any effort to force the issue, pretty much meaning they never see their grandmother. That's ok by me, They have loads of people in their lives who do make the effort.

She also says every time we meet that she doesn't see them enough and blah blah blah, It's just projecting, don't take it personally.

My advice, life is to short to try make anyone act the way you want them to. Close that book in your life and walk away. If they want to see the kid, The door is always open, though we all know they'll never use it.

Btw I may sound callous, truth be told it's absolutely heart breaking to be in this situation, but it is what it is and you make the best of the cards delt,even if you have to fold every now and again.

Big Bag of Chips

Rosemary 10 wrote: »

Plenty of 70 year olds are more capable then 60 year olds I'm not here to compare parents

But most mid 60 year olds would still be working. It's just your comment that your parents are barely able to lift a 5 month old baby because they are mid 60s seems a bit ott. But maybe they have health issues that cause them to be 'older'. I know my father in law is the same age as my father but he seems like a much older man for various reasons.

What do you want from this thread, OP? People can come on and tell you it's awful, and they're shocking, and how wrong it is that they won't bring your daughter on days out, or how unfair it is that they don't see her as much as the others, but what will that actually do for you?

All of us telling you what they should be doing isn't going to make them do it!

The only person we can offer advice to is you. So people are advising you on what you can do. Having an ideal in your head on how families should relate to each other and the relationship that families should want with each other is useless if the other people in the family don't play ball.

So you might not like to hear a lot of what you've heard, but at the end of the day you cannot force 50 something year old adults to do something just because you think they should do it, or should want to do it. All we can tell you is how you can deal with that, or how you can react to them to make things easier for yourself and your daughter.

I would still think that they know where you are if they want you. Offer to visit once or twice a month AT MOST. If they want more time with your child let them suggest it to you. If they say "we never see her" you can say "you always seem so busy. Any time you want just let me know and we'll call over".

Don't make it a fight. Don't make it an issue. They're not doing anything 'wrong'. They're just not doing what you think is right. There's a difference.

shesty

OP-on a totally practical note-I have a two year old and a one year old.Bringing a 2 year old, a 3 year old and five month old out for trips would be a massive effort for two people, never mind two grandparents who have long ago left thoe days behind.You need eyes in the back of your head, a lot of energy, a double buggy, an ability to control a toddler and a whole pile of stuff.That mightn't sound like much written down, but I can tell you that it is.Never mind keeping them all fed etc.I know that's not your main complaint, but I am telling you as a parent of two smallies that they simply may feel they just couldn't do it.And personally I'd understand that.So any trips with cousins would have to include you.They may or may not be aware that you would like/be ok to go along.

Secondly, they are in an awkward position.You are doing your best and to be honest, what you are doing is commendable.But if you are having that much of an issue with it, maybe you need to sit down with them and talk about it as adults.Tell them that you would like them to have a relationship with your child, and how could you make that happen. They may not understand where you're coming from-they may think that you want something from them (especially seeing as their son is not around), they may think you want free babysitting, whatever.I know that's not what you are looking for, but do they know that?

Thirdly....your child is five months old.I remember my first being that age,and I remember how it feels.A close family member has a first child of the same age.I cannot stress this enough....she doesn't know these people.She doesn't know what they are to her and it means nothing to her.She will be making strange with everyone over the next few months.And it's ok.It is totally ok.I have one outgoing child, and one child who clung to me every time anyone entered the room other than daddy or her sibling.And she's just fine.She's now old enough to recognise certain people and she's doing great.

I would not be calling on them every evening.Every week or two is more than enough.And I would not be stressing about this because time sorts so many things out when it comes to kids.I am learning this as I go, believe me.So much changes as they grow.We are utterly rubbish at time in today's world,we want everything solved now and .....that doesn't work with kids.All you can do is try to make sure they understand where you are coming from and you make some effort and then after that, you have to accept that you can't control this relationship between your child and her grandparents, and that everything changes as they get bigger.And that's all you can do right now.

cbyrd

OP, why don't you let them know! Send a text/e-mail and tell them you really want your baby to have a relationship with them. Then ask them to contact you so you can bring her over. Then leave it. You cannot force a relationship for your child. And you're only wrecking your head trying.

Jurgen Klopp

You know lots of exes get bitter and stop the grandparents of their ex partner seeing the child when the grandparents really want to be involved.

Then here you have an ex really going out of her way to let them see the child and they don't seem pushed.

I think your being really decent in your efforts Rosemary

Chocolate fiend

5 month olds need a lot more work than toddlers in some ways, the nappy changes, the feeding the bottles etc. They also don't enjoy the same things as toddlers and need more frequent naps. It would be much harder to add a 5 month old into the mix. When she gets older she will be more interesting for them.

LaurelH

In my experience, grandparents can run out of steam. They are often really present and involved for the first few grandchildren and, putting frankly, the novelty wears off! That's certainly not the case for everyone, but I can name a fair few sets of friends who have had this experience with their kid's grandparents.