Social Anxiety, Loneliness and Upcoming Wedding

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'll get the usual "longtime poster going anonymous for this" out of the way before I start.

Though we haven't set a date, I'm getting married in either 2018 or 2019. Love my fiancé to bits, can't wait to marry her etc. Nothing on that side of things is a problem.

What is worrying me is the fact that I'm scared it's going to be very embarrassing when it's apparent that I have no real friends to invite to the wedding or related activities (stag, reception, celebrations etc.)

Obviously this is an issue that effects more than just a one-off event like a wedding. I don't have any close friends but that's something I can accept. I'm comfortable with that maybe 90% of the time as I'm not a social person anyway, though I will occasionally have moments where the loneliness really gets to me. But for the most part, to me a night in playing video games is much more appealing than a night out drinking or anything like that. It does get me down occasionally when I do crave more interaction, but I've learned to live with it. I always imagine myself as being older with a core group of friends like you see in movies and TV, but I'm coming to the terms with the fact that may not happen.

In school, I had a group of friends who I got on with very well. But my confidence often took hits when it was apparent that people I considered to be in my "Tier 1" group only really considered me a "Tier 2/3" friend. That sounds ridiculous and maybe I'm explaining it poorly, but there were just a few things that knocked my confidence a bit (i.e. friends I would have considered my closest arranging trips to concerts/music festivals and I wasn't invited, or never being clued in on any of the in-jokes they had). This isn't something I ever held against anyone and I never let it create drama, it just made me realise that perhaps I wasn't as close a friend to them as I had thought they were to me.

I moved a good 4 hours away to go to college in Northern Ireland and considered it a great opportunity to make new friends. After all, they say college friends are the ones you keep for life. But as (bad) luck would have it, the 3 people in my course I got on best with dropped out after 1st year for a variety of reasons and I never saw them again. I was probably being really soft, but again this knocked my confidence and I was back in a secondary-school situation where I had people I got on with, but was never anyone's "close" friend.

I eventually moved home and was back at square one. It's been 6 years and I just haven't connected with anyone. I've become increasingly withdrawn socially, and my social skills have become terrible. Whenever I'm talking to anyone 1-on1, I'm always panicking in my head thinking "they think you're boring" or "you don't sound genuine". It's hard to describe, but for example if I was trying to recall a funny story to someone, I'd start telling them but then in my head I'll be shouting at myself "they don't take this is funny, look at how they're reacting" and I'll then finish the story abruptly without fleshing it out. None of my conversations with people seem genuine any more as I'm carefully picking the most correct thing to say, or what I think someone should say in that situation. I'm also always trying to steer the conversation to as quick a conclusion as possible before I get "caught out" as being really poor at talking to people. It's a vicious circle in that the more withdrawn I become, the more socially awkward I get. And the more socially awkward I get, the more withdrawn I become.

Anyway, all the above is why I'm in the boat I'm in. Yes, it's a much larger problem than something that just impacts our wedding, but as I said I've somewhat learned to cope with it.

What's concerning me now is how pathetic I'm going to look in the build up to our wedding. We've both agreed we want a small wedding - maybe 50 people at a maximum. And my fiancé is well aware that my party will be especially small (1 parent, 2 siblings + their partners, 1 friend + his partner). The friend I'm inviting is one I've had since childhood. We really only communicate through messages and video game chats, as geographically we haven't lived in the same place for about 4/5 years now but if he's in the country I'm sure he'd come. But aside from that group of 6 people, that's pretty much it. I have no other extended family or friends that I could invite. Anybody else that would even pop into my head would be more than bemused at receiving a Wedding Invite from me as I wouldn't be remotely close to any of them.

My fiancé has plenty of friends and family she wants to invite and I have no issues with that. The more the merrier. But she is really the only person who knows that I'm a bit of a loner. I'm getting very anxious/worried at the prospect of my family/friend and her family/friends seeing how small/non-existent my social circle is. And while I'm not worried about anyone actually drawing attention to it, it's all I'm going to be thinking about on the day and I'm starting to get panicked over it. What her family and friends will think when they realise 90% of the people they see around them are people they know. And what my family and friend will think when they realise there's only 6 people at the wedding from my side, if even that many.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, or is there some obvious advice here that I'm overlooking in my panic? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Airyfairy12

Hi OP. Are you working? could you invite a few people from work and maybe some family friends, neighbours and what about aunts, uncles and cousins? do you have any extended family? Ive been invited to extended relatives weddings who I hadnt seen or spoken to in years and I didnt think it was weird, I was happy to be invited.
Theres nothing pathetic about your situation, it happens and ive a friend getting married with a very similar problem so its more common than you think so dont be so hard on yourself.
As for the wedding, no one will notice..any wedding ive been to ive never known who was related to or friends with who and tbh I didnt ask, once people get a few drinks into them they wont even care and people generally gravitate towards people they know anyway.
Dont allow it to ruin your day.

freshpopcorn

My advice is to try and relax and in my honest opinion theirs nothing wrong with being a bit of a loner once your happy. It's often other people who make you feel bad.
Could you invite aunts/uncles/cousins/extended family. You might invite those friends you mentioned. Just say you thought it would be a good way to reconnect.
Theirs something people do at weddings to mix up the crowd at the ceremony be it a church or civil. They put a sign up saying it's when two families become one and to pick a seat and not a side.

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santana75

Basically when it all comes down to it the thing you're afraid of is being judged. Some people might judge you, thats true enough, but this is life, you're always gonna be judged no matter what happens. I saw a video on facebook the other day, it was of a golden lab puppy locked into a battle to the death with a doorstop. It was adorable and most people thought so. But there were some people who condemned the person who posted video saying he was a disgrace and was guilty of exploiting and innocent animal on social media. No kidding. The cutest video you could ever see was condemned for being cruel. You cant please everyone and if you tie yourself in knots worrying about the opinions of others then your life will be miserable. Let it go and make a choice not to allow this to consume another day of your life. You are were you are right now and maybe you'd like that to change. Fair enough, if you'd like more people in your life then you can make this happen at some point. You definitely can btw. This idea that you're gonna be a social loner forever is nonsense. Thats the kind of thing your mind will tell you, but its a lie. The only thing you need to do to make more friends is to hustle, get yourself out and about, do things, join things and take a risk. If you stay at home playing video games then nothing will ever happen, thats a promise. But if you take a chance, go to something you want to go to that maybe scares you, then you start to grow. The more you talk to people the better your social and conversational skills become. You start to see patterns and it really is a skill you get stronger at the more you do it. Everyone is passionate about something so when you talk to people act like a detective and find out what their passion is and then listen to them talk about it. Trust me its fun trying to figure out someones passion and when you do figure it out they'll light up and when that happens you light up. But you have to hustle and get yourself out of your room and away from video games.

Wanderer2010

OP i dont mean this to sound bad but your social anxiety issues clearly didnt affect you getting a fiance and presumably they accept you as you are? There are tonnes of people out there who try for years to get a partner and put themselves out there on blind dates, online dating etc and they get nowhere.
You are very lucky to have a partner who accepts you, maybe try and see the positives in this and try and enjoy the process!

mark085

Go to the pub for quite pints get talking to people become friends with people then let it grow from their

woodchuck

OP in relation to the wedding day itself, I don't think you have anything to worry about. None of the guests are going to care or even notice who's guests are the brides and who's are the grooms. It's not like people go around with labels on and everyone is just going to want to have a good time! And all the brides friends and family won't know each other anyway due to running in different social circles.

Addle

OP. no one will know other than you and your bride.
Enjoy your day.

BelovedAunt

Hi OP, my friends brother was in a similar situation and he and his now wife decided to have a joint stags and hens. My friend said it was great and meant that a lot of people knew each other better when the wedding came around.

LegacyUser

Ok OP seriously relax - no one is going to care at the wedding. The only people everyone knows at a wedding are the couple getting married. You introduce the parents and maybe siblings but after that it's seriously not a big deal. Don't go looking for people to invite just to make up numbers. If you don't have many friends or any even then that's who you are, that's whom your partner meet and feel in love with. The world isn't like it is in movies. I don't have many friends and the handful I have are spread out all over the globe. if I got married tomorrow I've got two main friends (who are married to each other) but they live on the other side of the planet. Their wedding was super small, they rented a house for a long weekend for 10 people including them so it was them plus their siblings (plus partners) and four friends and that was the main wedding. They had a party the saturday afternoon for family in the garden of the house and that was it. It was exactly the wedding they wanted - no stags or hens or any of that other stuff.

Sit down with your partner and talk about things. If you think your lack of friends is a bigger issue you want to deal with it but don't go changing because you think society says you have to.

ongarboy

OP, what has your fiancée said when you explained all this anxiety to her? I'm sure she told you it wouldn't be a problem and that you wouldn't be judged or realistically, no-one would be pointing fingers at you?  She loves  you for you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you. That is a massive endorsement of esteem and worth in most people's eyes and you should embrace it!  This forum has countless threads by people who cannot successfully meet a partner and it is a great burden for them.  You should be proud that you have someone who likes you for you, warts and all !
As for weddings, no-one keeps track of the ratio of bride and groom guests and often guests don't even know fellow guests from their own side of the wedding so how would they know if they belong to you or your wife?  Even if it was noted that you only had a small group on your side, is that really an issue unless you make it one yourself?  No one else will care.  You have a deep hang up about the fact you don't have a wide circle of friends and the fact that you rate friends in hierarchies or tiers suggests more about your own inferiority complex than anyone probably treating you as lesser than someone else.  I'm pretty sure those labelled Tier 1 friends never viewed you as lower ranking.  Yes, we all have friends, siblings, relatives, work colleagues we are closer to and interact more with but that is not because we look down our nose or view others as more inferior. 

My siblings invited friends of my parents to weddings as they were similarly invited to their offsprings.  Cousins we didn't see for years were also invited as it was a great opportunity to reunite. Can you not invite some of these people? You do not have to be bosom buddies with them to invite them.  It's a shame you feel this distress as a lot of it really is imaginary self inflicted from what I see and not from what the actual reality is.  I'm sure your fiancée would agree.  Talk to her about this.  The last thing she wants on one of the most important days of her life (and yours too) if for the man of her dreams to be miserable as it will affect her too if you are and it would be such a shame as what you are feeling is so unnecessary.