Disconnent between the various versions of me on dates!

boarddotie

[font=Arial, sans-serif]Hi guys, this has been bothering me for a while and I wondered does anyone else have this experience or any thoughts in the dating world.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]Been happily single (F, 32) for a while now but have gone on plenty of dates over the last year to have some fun, meet new people and pass the time in between hobbies. In my mind these dates go very well but usually two things happen that I am always left thinking about:[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]1.    #1 [/font][font=Arial, sans-serif]I think the date goes well but the dude isn’t interested afterwards. When he says he is not interested in pursuing further (either in person or the post-date text) I would say “Oh that is a shame, I had a nice time” and the response is “Did you?? You didn’t seem too interested/I felt like you could take it or leave it/I couldn’t read you/You didn’t seem to be enjoying yourself”[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]My thoughts: dammit, do I come across as a cold ice queen on these dates?? I would consider myself quite a warm person but perhaps not when faced with a stranger man on a date! The more I like a guy the less likely I am to be all chit chatty and tend to be more cautious and let him do much of the talking because I enjoy that feeling of “wow, I am so happy listening to an interesting man”. Also, ladies are told not to come on too strong/play it cool/keep some mystery up on these dates. I think I might be doing that but it comes across as cold and disinterested![/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]2.   #2 [/font][font=Arial, sans-serif]Date goes very well, couple of bevvies and they are mine in the short term. Snare them in no problem at this point haha. The guys would often say “You started to look at me differently/you had a glint in your eye/you were more relaxed” etc.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]My thoughts: what do I do after a few drinks that I can translate into real life settings to snare nice men? Yes, be myself. But see note #1 above, myself comes across as cold and disinterested! There seems to be no problem once the date is set up (note: these few dates rarely translate into anything more meaningful but that is another post totally) but not a single man gives me even the slightest second look after general interactions in the real world. My office mate told me I can get distracted easily, not focus on conversations after a while so perhaps the one drinks relaxed me is the one that I need to learn from![/font][font=Arial, sans-serif] [/font]

[font=Arial, sans-serif]Anyone else find a disconnect between the way they are (not act, but just genuinely are) under different conditions and situations? Unfortunately in the impulsive world of dating there doesn’t ever seem to be a second chance to rectify the issue in #1![/font]

I'm a bit confused.

Are you wondering how to be yourself in order to attract a man?

boarddotie

Yes. Or maybe more like "why can't I be myself to attract a man" Sounds a bit daft actually!!

I get ya. Someone used to say to me "whatever you do don't be yourself"

What used to help me was to approach each date with little expectation and treat it fairly casual. I also told myself that there was no point in trying to be anyone but myself. I am me and if the other person isn't interested then that's ok but I'm certainly not going to pretend.

Being true to yourself on a date doesn't mean you throw all caution to the wind and throw your feet up on the table and bare your soul. You can be authentic while still maintaining your boundary and portraying your best self.

Also I'd probably lose the word "snare"

woodchuck

The way you talk about snaring men, playing it cool etc, sounds like you might be doing a bit of game playing? I don't mean that in an accusatory way, but maybe you need to change your mindset when it comes to dating and you won't find yourself in the situations you've outlined.

Unless someone has a propensity for dramatics, I don't think there is any need to play it cool on a first date. Obviously this is backfiring on you if they think you're coming off as disinterested! While you naturally won't be as relaxed around a relative stranger, you really should just try to be yourself (as trite as it sounds) and not think too much about how you want the other person to perceive you.

And while you might be happy to sit and listen to your date, you need to do your fair share of the talking too so that they can get to know you!

skallywag

woodchuck wrote: »

The way you talk about snaring men, playing it cool etc, sounds like you might be doing a bit of game playing? I don't mean that in an accusatory way, but maybe you need to change your mindset when it comes to dating and you won't find yourself in the situations you've outlined.

I'd strongly second that.

If I took away the impression that my date was playing overly cautious or was deliberately playing it cool, then to be honest I would have no interest in meeting up again.

One of the most attractive features in a woman for me is someone who is genuine.