Boyfriend won't allow trousers

LegacyUser

I am 19 and in First Year. I am a bit plain and shy. I never had a relationship when I was at school. Since Christmas I have being seeing a guy. Casually at first but now it is getting serious. He has now told me hedoesn't loke trousers on females and he won't continue to go outwith me if I wear them. He says I should wear skirts and dresses only. He says that if he is with a girl wearing trousers he feels wrong. I don't know what he means by this. I went to meet him last week wearing jeans and he stormed off. I had toring him the next day and apologise. He has said he will forgive me this time. Is this normal? I don't have many friends to ask.
Thanks in advance.

Tokyo

If he's already deciding what he will or will not allow you to wear, then you're probably better off taking him up on his offer of not continuing to go out with you. There are better choices out there - ones that will be far more accepting of who you are, and hopefully less entrenched in the 1950's.

Look at it the other way for a minute - if you do continue this relationship, how long do you think it'll be before he decides something else you're doing goes against his own personal world view, and he decides not to allow you to do that either?

No it's not normal, but you really know this.
Break up now, things won't get better

gerrybbadd

Run a mile. In comfortable trousers.

What a backwards person. Jesus.

B0jangles

Absolutely 100% not normal - get out!

quadrifoglio verde

I prefer women in skirts and dresses, the shorter the better!

However I would never tell a girl I was dating or in a relationship with what to wear.

Saying he likes you wearing dresses is fine, saying you must is not.
I would end it quickly OP, it's just not on

strandroad

Definitely not normal OP. Your instincts are good, run.

redfox123

Does this actually still happen, in 2017? if my OH ever ever uttered such a thing I think I'd die laughing. It's really awkward that your boyfriend is serious, like he 'stormed off'? You know it's ridiculous and far from normal, he's a head case, break up with him.

blue note

Personally, I'd wear what I like and if he doesn't like it so be it. I suppose it's a lot more common the other way around when girls decide they don't like theor boyfriend in tracksuits or demand they wear a shirt going out or stuff like that. And lots of guys will change their wardrobe for a girl and not regret it, so I suppose I'll not be sexist and say decide how important it is to you to wear trousers and go from there.

Dial Hard

gerrybbadd wrote:

Run a mile. In comfortable trousers.

This.

I'd have been out the door so fast after that first comment he'd have been wondering had he imagined me altogether.

End it, now. This is going nowhere good and you know it.

irishguy1983

No trousers wrote: »

I am 19 and in First Year. I am a bit plain and shy. I never had a relationship when I was at school. Since Christmas I have being seeing a guy. Casually at first but now it is getting serious. He has now told me hedoesn't loke trousers on females and he won't continue to go outwith me if I wear them. He says I should wear skirts and dresses only. He says that if he is with a girl wearing trousers he feels wrong. I don't know what he means by this. I went to meet him last week wearing jeans and he stormed off. I had toring him the next day and apologise. He has said he will forgive me this time. Is this normal? I don't have many friends to ask.
Thanks in advance.

I hate to ask but is this a genuine thread?? I find it very hard to believe anyone could say that in this day and age - maybe I am being naive.

GhostyMcGhost

No trousers wrote: »

he won't continue to go outwith me if I wear them.

That might be the only good thing he would ever do for you

It's not you it's him. Wear jeans, wear skirts, wear leggings, wear none of it or all of it. Wear what YOU want to wear and don't ever let anyone tell you what way to dress

Please don't waste your good years on this backwards guy and regret it in a few years

There are so many people out there to appreciate you for who you are, who don't care less what you wear, once your happy. You'll never find such a person stuck with this guy

I'm shocked there are people who think they can dictate their way through a relationship

The_Valeyard

Run away (while wearing pants)


This is not the basis for a healthy relationship and could do damage to your confidence.

amtc

I wouldn't have an issue with him saying he preferred skirts and dresses. Personally I prefer wearing them. But there are times when jeans and trousers are just more appropriate! My previous boyfriend liked my hair longer...but it was simply that...a preference! No right to dictate.

That aside my red flag is that you will be forgiven this time. What you're to be punished next time?!

You must assert yourself. To be clear it's not normal.

And just a little bit of life advice. You refer to yourself as plain. I'm sure you're not but never ever put yourself down. You'll get enough life knocks without doing it to yourself.

bmwguy

He has a right to a preference but not a right to tell you what to wear and when to wear them.
I have never heard this before, it's a massive dictating controlling red flag.

Closest I ever heard was a guy I know a few years back refusing to go on a second date with a girl that turned up wearing flat shoes and not heels. He thought it showed disrespect, which is nuts. He was a well known oddball though and had a chequered past with the way he treated women.

dudara

Wow, you're so lucky that he'll forgive you this time. Wouldn't want to make a mistake like that again! All us females should be so jealous that you have a man who'll forgive your mistakes only once *

* May imply sarcasm

OP, as many others have pointed out, this is absolutely not normal and should not be accepted by you. Is he from a particular religion or ethnicity perhaps? (Where this kind of behaviour would be more common than in our somewhat secular Western society).

JigglyMcJabs

Sounds like he's testing the waters to see how much he can control you, if you stay it will probably become an abusive relationship. What happens when he decides you shouldn't spend time with your friends?

JackTaylorFan

Guy sounds like an incredibly broken human being.


Wowsers, where's me trousers?

Loveinapril

JigglyMcJabs wrote: »

Sounds like he's testing the waters to see how much he can control you, if you stay it will probably become an abusive relationship. What happens when he decides you shouldn't spend time with your friends?

This is exactly it.

This guy is seeing how compliant you are with his demands. The requests will continue and they will become more severe the more you comply. The only thing you can do is break up with him.

Big Bag of Chips

No trousers wrote: »

Is this normal? I don't have many friends to ask.

Do you see people around you who are in relationships? Of those couples you see, young couples, married couples etc do all the women always only wear skirts or dresses? Have a look around your college and pick out the couples and see if the girls are always wearing skirts.

That should answer your question. He's an odd ball. He is starting you on a very dangerous path where he has you apologising to him for doing nothing wrong. I don't want to pick on you OP, but you say you are shy. He has sussed you out and has realised he can control you because you are too timid to stand up to him. You are seeing this fella since Christmas, and trousers were never a problem until now. So he is now making up things to see how far he can push you. He'd feel strange if he was with a girl in trousers? Well then let him do them all a favour and stay single. Why did he start seeing you I'm the first place if skirts were a requirement? Please DO NOT ever meet up with him while wearing a skirt. If you don't want to break it off with him wear a pair of jeans and let him do it for you. Then walk away, block him on everything and don't ever look back. Ever. This relationship will not end well for you if it continues. It's starting with telling you what to wear, it will progress to telling you what to eat, who to speak to, where you can and can't go, when you can or can't go somewhere. This is not good.

I can't believe you even have to think about this one. Don't stay in a relationship that makes you feel bad or wrong just because you think you have to. Being single and free to make your own choices is better than being in a relationship that has you second guessing yourself.

alchemist33

Run.

Run like the wind.

Big Bag of Chips

If you want to see how normal it is to dictate something to your partner try it with him. Tell him you only like men who wear no socks all year round. Tell him now that you're comfortable enough with each other to start sharing your preferences you felt it was ok to tell him this now.

Next time he shows up wearing socks, break up with him.

(See how crazy it sounds?)

eviltwin

You are 19, you have a lifetime of fun, loving dating ahead of you. DO NOT allow this man to ruin all that for you!!!!! Please confide in a family member or close friend what is happening and end it. Don't think this is as good as it gets for you, you WILL find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.

I'm actually scared for you OP if you don't end this now. I have a daughter you're age and if any man told her how to dress I'd kill him.

robyntmorton

Take his trousers and a belt.
Put them on.
Run. RUN AWAY!

(Leave him a skirt to follow you in if you're feeling generous)

Seriously, while everyone has their preferences, being dictated to, and being forgiven "this time" for not being compliant should cause major alarms to go off. Something like that is not healthy, and you are much better off without him.

Ursus Horribilis

Two things jumped out at me from this post. The first one, of course, is the red flags being raised by this guy's behaviour. Just like everyone else here, my advice is for you to end this as soon as possible. You've been given a warning as to what he's really like and as to what lies in store for you if you continue to see him. A controlling partner is no laughing matter and it has the potential to escalate into something abusive.

Secondly, you are very hard on yourself. You said in the first paragraph that you're plain and shy. You also mentioned that you don't have many friends to ask.

If you were happier in your own skin, being plain wouldn't even cross your mind. If you look around, you'll see that the vast majority of people are no supermodels or Adonises (is that even a word?) What draws us to people is their smile, their personality, their warmth, their humour. So stop beating yourself up about your looks. As for shyness, that often goes away over time. As you gain life experience and continue to mature, you'll become more sure in yourself and stop worrying about what other people think.

You also mentioned that you don't have many friends. People can mistake quality for quantity here. If you ask most adults 10 or 20 years older than you how many genuine friends they actually have, you might be surprised at their answer. Many of who people refer to as friends are fairweather friends or friendly acquaintances. Not the ones you could ring at 4am because you're in a spot of trouble and need help. If your friends are of the 4am type, you're a lucky young lady.

As well as dumping this guy, perhaps you could look into ways to improve your own lot. When you return to college in the autumn, look into joining some clubs or societies so you can broaden your circle of friendly faces. Go for something that meets regularly and has activities which involve people interacting with each other. It'll take you out of your comfort zone and bring you on a lot.

Airyfairy12

Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable is not ok treatment in a relationship. Its not ok for him to tell you to do anything and I really think you should stop seeing him, regardless of how much he begs or pleads you to be with him. You should stay single until youre a little bit older and more self assured, I feel like now youre very vulnerable to abusive men and falling in with the wrong people. Focus on yourself for a few years, learn about personal boundaries and leave guys alone for now. x

lawred2

No trousers wrote: »

I am 19 and in First Year. I am a bit plain and shy. I never had a relationship when I was at school. Since Christmas I have being seeing a guy. Casually at first but now it is getting serious. He has now told me hedoesn't loke trousers on females and he won't continue to go outwith me if I wear them. He says I should wear skirts and dresses only. He says that if he is with a girl wearing trousers he feels wrong. I don't know what he means by this. I went to meet him last week wearing jeans and he stormed off. I had toring him the next day and apologise. He has said he will forgive me this time. Is this normal? I don't have many friends to ask.
Thanks in advance.

Tell him to take a hike. It is not normal. Don't waste any more time on him.

Ronan|Raven

Tell him to **** off. Any man that goes on like that is to he avoided at all costs. I know you say you are 19 and don't have many people to ask but that guy sounds toxic.

Fakediamond

Run like hell, he's trying to mould/control you and break down your resistance by starting on small things. It's trousers now, soon it will be keeping you from friends, family etc and all dressed up as loving care and respect for you. Don't fall for it, get out now before you fall for him!

woodchuck

Run. Run far, far away.

This is extremely controlling behaviour and it will just get worse with time. Get out NOW.

Ghekko

At least he has shown his controlling side early in the relationship, so you can get out now before he dictates who you can be friends with, when you can see your family, how much money you can have per week, if and when you can go out......... My advice - block his number and have nothing to do with him.

retro:electro

I never willed for someone to leave a relationship as badly as this one. I don't need to know any more info, what you've given is more than enough. Run!

Emme

OP this is not a good relationship. You are only 19. You will make more friends. You will get involved in more activities. You will become more confident and happier in yourself but only if you dump the loser who doesn't want you to wear trousers.

This is a controlling relationship. You need to get away from him ASAP.

silverbolt

No trousers wrote: »

I am 19 and in First Year. I am a bit plain and shy. I never had a relationship when I was at school. Since Christmas I have being seeing a guy. Casually at first but now it is getting serious. He has now told me hedoesn't loke trousers on females and he won't continue to go outwith me if I wear them. He says I should wear skirts and dresses only. He says that if he is with a girl wearing trousers he feels wrong. I don't know what he means by this. I went to meet him last week wearing jeans and he stormed off. I had toring him the next day and apologise. He has said he will forgive me this time. Is this normal? I don't have many friends to ask.
Thanks in advance.

No, it is not normal. This is wrong, very very wrong. He does not dictate to you what you can and can not wear.

blue note wrote: »

Personally, I'd wear what I like and if he doesn't like it so be it. I suppose it's a lot more common the other way around when girls decide they don't like theor boyfriend in tracksuits or demand they wear a shirt going out or stuff like that. And lots of guys will change their wardrobe for a girl and not regret it, so I suppose I'll not be sexist and say decide how important it is to you to wear trousers and go from there.

If my partner told me what to wear I'd tell her no. Now i know this is a what if, she would never do that.

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I hate to ask but is this a genuine thread?? I find it very hard to believe anyone could say that in this day and age - maybe I am being naive.

Youd be surprised.

blackbird 49

My son is 19 and second year at college, i would' nt like to think he would ever be in a relationship like yours, you say you don't have many friends and are plain and shy, My son was like this for his first year, His second year he joined a few societies in college and has never looked back i hardly ever see him and he is always out and about now and weekends away, have a look in your own college and see if there is something you like, but above all as others have said get out of this so called relationship,

LynnGrace

Please please don't ever ring him again apologising about wearing trousers.
Cut all contact immediately.

Work on your confidence, and on developing a social circle - join clubs etc.
Take care of yourself and forget about him completely.

cristali

Dated a guy once that didn't wanted me wearing jeans, only skirts, dresses or leggings, no black colour and as much red as possible ...and all that coz his ex was wearing all black, jeans etc... needless to say that didn't last . Run, you're at the beginning of your road in life you don't need this kind of man that obviously has issues.

SouthernBelle

Emme wrote: »

OP this is not a good relationship. You are only 19. You will make more friends. You will get involved in more activities. You will become more confident and happier in yourself but only if you dump the loser who doesn't want you to wear trousers.

This is a controlling relationship. You need to get away from him ASAP.

^^I completely agree.

My daughter is 19 and shy. She found some societies in college that interested her and has made new friends this way.

You are a young woman with a world of opportunity waiting for you. Don't let this loser hold you back. My fried married a guy like your boyfriend and finally, after 15 years of marriage, she's seen the light - but only after he knocked every bit of confidence from her. Unfortunately it's a lot harder to get rid of a guy that you're married to, with children and property.

Walk (run!) away and never look back.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies!. The trouble is that I am heavy. I didn't wear trousers much anyway. When the relationship began I lost weight and was able to fit in a pair of jeans I hadn't ben able to wear for ages. He is a lecturer and I am afraid if I dump him now it will affect me. He has told me about getting someone shafted before when they annoyed him.

Neyite

No Trousers wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies!. The trouble is that I am heavy. I didn't wear trousers much anyway. When the relationship began I lost weight and was able to fit in a pair of jeans I hadn't ben able to wear for ages.

Wear them with pride.

wrote:

He is a lecturer and I am afraid if I dump him now it will affect me. He has told me about getting someone shafted before when they annoyed him.

It's very likely that the university would have a problem with him dating students. Check out the code of conduct.

Big Bag of Chips

Is he your lecturer? Or a lecturer in a different course?

Either way you need to realise that now you are getting into territory where you are staying with him out of fear of what he'll do if you end the relationship.

I know you're 19, young and inexperienced. But this is all wrong. You know that yourself. The question is if you'll have the courage to call it a day or will you comply with his every demand until you leave college and get away from him, or he dumps you.

If he's with you, then he's with you for you and for who you are. If he would dump you over something so trivial as wearing a pair of jeans then the relationship isn't particularly strong to start with, is it?

Westernyelp

I'm sceptical

woodchuck

No Trousers wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies!. The trouble is that I am heavy. I didn't wear trousers much anyway. When the relationship began I lost weight and was able to fit in a pair of jeans I hadn't ben able to wear for ages. He is a lecturer and I am afraid if I dump him now it will affect me. He has told me about getting someone shafted before when they annoyed him.

He's a lecturer in your college?! :eek: He would get into a WORLD of trouble if he was to manipulate your grades when (yes, when) you dump him.

Please, please, break up with him sooner rather than later. Find some people your own age to hang out with. Enjoy your college experience and let your confidence start to grow (well done on the weight loss btw!). This will never happen while you're with him.

Sephiroth_dude

He's trying too control you already by starting off with little things like what you wear, this will get worse and worse, run for the hills and don't look back.

kylith

So, he is trying to control what you wear, and is manipulating you using his position of power?

Don't just end the relationship, report him to the college. If he is doing it to you he has done it to others, and the college will take a dim view of a lecturer abusing their position like that. If you don't feel able then please, please confide in a friend or family member who can support you. I have a niece about your age who is in college and if I found out someone was treating her like that I'd be livid.

ETA: He's not the only one with power here. He threatens your grade if you end it? That behaviour, possibly coupled with his relationship with a student, could cost him his job.

infogiver

No trousers wrote: »

I am 19 and in First Year. I am a bit plain and shy. I never had a relationship when I was at school. Since Christmas I have being seeing a guy. Casually at first but now it is getting serious. He has now told me hedoesn't loke trousers on females and he won't continue to go outwith me if I wear them. He says I should wear skirts and dresses only. He says that if he is with a girl wearing trousers he feels wrong. I don't know what he means by this. I went to meet him last week wearing jeans and he stormed off. I had toring him the next day and apologise. He has said he will forgive me this time. Is this normal? I don't have many friends to ask.
Thanks in advance.

I don't even know where to begin with this.
Get yourself away from this guy right now.
You need to sit down with someone to talk about your self esteem issues. I'd imagine your just a fabulous girl and there are guys out there dying to meet a girl like you.
Please look after yourself, you don't need someone like this in your life

kiddums

As a man, there is nothing more attractive to me than a woman being comfortable and confident in what she's wearing. Short skin tight dresses can be great, so can jeans and a faded tshirt.

Wear what you're comfortable wearing. Most he should be doing is saying what he prefers, and its up to you what you do with that information. He can't get upset if you chose not to dress that way. This isn't the 1950's.

You do you, and be confident in it. Congrats on the weight loss. Wear those Jeans with pride, if you want to.

Ghekko

No Trousers wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies!. The trouble is that I am heavy. I didn't wear trousers much anyway. When the relationship began I lost weight and was able to fit in a pair of jeans I hadn't ben able to wear for ages. He is a lecturer and I am afraid if I dump him now it will affect me. He has told me about getting someone shafted before when they annoyed him.

Seriously? This is even more reason to end the relationship. Staying with this control freak out of fear will do you a lot of harm. Cut him off now and tell someone you trust what is going on - be that a friend, sibling, aunt, whoever. I would assume the college has a counselling service where you could go and chat to someone in order to boost your self esteem. You are worthy of a decent respectful relationship with someone who wants you for who you already are, and not someone who wants to mould you into something they want!

Hannibal_Smith

No Trousers wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies!. The trouble is that I am heavy. I didn't wear trousers much anyway. When the relationship began I lost weight and was able to fit in a pair of jeans I hadn't ben able to wear for ages. He is a lecturer and I am afraid if I dump him now it will affect me. He has told me about getting someone shafted before when they annoyed him.

Well done on the weight loss! Hope it has helped your self esteem. Is he your lecturer? Are you afraid he will mark your work differently if you break up with him?

I wouldn't say he shafted anyone when they annoyed him, I'd say he told you that to keep you 'in line'. You have nothing to lose only someone who is a toxin.

LushiousLips

As everyone has said.....please leave him. Its not a healthy relationship. At 19 the world is your oyster. He will only destroy you from the inside.
Congrats on the weight loss btw xx

shafty100

i hope you dump this nut job for your sake , your lucky it is still early days