OH Dad is Sick - Feel Helpless

m-a-i-

will try to keep this brief. My BF's dad has been sick for quite some time. he lives a good bit away and doesn't get to go down to see him that often 
recently was told that his Dad his terminal and has a few years all going well. Obviously this was a huge shock to my BF and only the elder ones in his family are aware. I've offered to drive whenever we can get the time and if he needs anything to just shout and I'm here for support
basically just want to know is there anything I can do? Should I be doing more for him ? I just feel completely helpless. Thanks x

baby and crumble

As someone who's been through what your OH is going through now, all I can say is just be there if he needs you. Your offer of help might not be taken up, but he knows it's there.

Getting news like this is horrific, it really is. His head will be all over the place.

Be patient. He might snap at you for no reason, he might not speak for periods of time, he might be full of chat. He might decide to ignore it for a while and not talk about it. Be lead by him.

Make sure he's eating properly, it's easy to just eat sandwiches and nothign else for weeks on end.

And look after yourself, too. Hugs to you both.

amtc

The best advice I can give you to give to him is to take his cue from the patient. I wonder sometimes how people can be very stoic. My cousin died at 42 and her parents both the same month...all of cancer. Yet they wanted to talk about it, share memories with extended family. Might seem odd but we had some great nights laughing as my uncle drank his way through whiskey he was storing. It was actually a bitter sweet time.

Practically you could assist him in finding out where wills are etc. Or if you're close maybe stay in touch with the mother?

witchgirl26

OP first off - I'm so sorry for your BF & his family. Crappy time.

I've been in his shoes to a degree (although no other half at the time). Your offer of help is brilliant but one thing I'd caution is not to push anything. If you think he's completely avoiding his dad, well then maybe push a bit to go down, but otherwise let him be the guide.

baby and crumble's comment about making sure he eats properly is a good one. Left to my own devices, I would have ate hardly anything for a period as it didn't seem important but I was lucky to have friends who cooked for me or arranged dinners/lunches out to make sure I looked after myself. His emotions could be all over the place so, I'm sure it goes without saying, cut him some slack on maybe household things but do get him to do some. A sense of normality can really help in those times.

Encourage him to open up about it but don't force it if he doesn't want to talk. Took me a while before I was able to but then the floodgates opened.

Defo though look after yourself too. He's going to lean on you whether either of you realise it when it's happening so you'll need all your strength too. And, I know this might sound harsh but it's not, don't let this completely consume your or his lives as then when the end does come, it can be much worse in the aftermath. Have nice things that you do together and enjoy them without feeling guilty that you're having fun. Plan things (keeping a bit of flexibility) and even share them with his parents - more than likely they'll want to see that he is living his life as well as caring for them. x

Casualcontrol1

Currently I am in your bfs shoes only we dont have a few years, we have weeks at this stage. My best advice is to show interest and be involved where you can. My bf hardly even asks for my mum and even though I have asked him to show interest he never asks. Doing little things to make his life easier would be great too for eg. if he needs to go see his dad or go to hospital make him sandwiches and some bars for the journey, do his washing, trust me.. these things are so basic yet can be so time consuming so would really help im sure. He will lash out he will cry he will laugh.. as another poster said just go with it. Grief will floor you and emotions can change at the drop of a hat by certain triggers. Best of luck to you and your bf op.

m-a-i-

Hi there

Thanks so much for your advice. I've done little things and have kept normalcy as much as possible because that's what he wants for now. We have a routine with who stags where during the week and we are keeping to that for the time being. He's opened up about it for a wee bit but I'm not forcing it.

All this is great and thank you so much x