I love him but don't fancy him anymore?

LegacyUser

Hi so I've gone anonymous for this one as I'm a regular visitor here. I have been with my husband for 18 years now - married 8 of those years. We get on like a house on fire.... like the best of friends and I absolutely love him to bits! The thing is though - I just don't find myself attracted to him anymore! It's breaking my heart as I really do love him to pieces!! We met when I was 16 and at the time he was gorgeous. As the years have gone by he has gained a lot of weight (about 8 stone) I don't want to sound shallow here because I certainly am not a shallow person at all. But whilst I try my hardest to look after myself and keep myself well groomed, he has let himself go. He's got comfortable with me and feels he doesn't need to make an effort with his appearance anymore. I don't have that 'ooooh I really want to F*ck him' in me anymore and have found myself having sexual dreams about other guys! I would NEVER cheat and I don't want to leave him over this as everything else between us is perfect! We still have regular sex and all but I just don't enjoy it anymore and have found it has become more of a chore these days!
I just don't know what I can do to get that physical attraction back again! I could never tell him how am I'm feeling as I would never want to hurt him like that! I HAVE tried helping in discrete ways by doing diets with him etc and am constantly feeding him healthy dinners and lunches etc He'll do great at first and has lost a stone here and there but eventually puts it back on. I'm not looking for any abuse here over this as i'm finding these feelings hard enough as is... I suppose I'm just looking for some advise or to see if anyone is in the same boat as this.
Thanks in advance!

skankkuvhima

Hi OP,

I presume the big issue is the weight? And if he lost the 8 stone and was running marathons then this might not be an issue?

Why has he put on the weight? Is it just laziness or is there something else going on, i.e. stress? I know I have put on weight in the past for those reasons, working too much, too much stress, long hours, no free time. If he had all the time in the world would he exercise?

ShaShaBear

If you're not willing to tell him that his weight gain is an issue, how can you expect him to think there's an issue?
Surely if he no longer found you attractive and found having sex with you had become a chore, you'd rather know and try to fix things?
Are you still "in love" with him, despite the looks? My looks, and my partner's have changed drastically in the time we've been together. I'm much larger than I was when we met (6 stone heavier) and so is he, but I still get butterflies when he tells me he loves me and the sex is still great because we know what each other likes. Sounds like there might be more to this than you think?

Heckler

My ex-wife and I had unspoken of underlying problems but when she told me out of the blue she wasn't physically attracted to me anymore I knew it was over.

I hadn't changed physically at all really. If anything I had become slightly leaner and fitter looking. People I hadn't seen in a while were asking if I had been working out. I hadn't but I worked a fairly manual job at the time which probably made the difference.

There was no coming back from that in my case.

She still saw me as objectively attractive but other things about me left her cold if that makes any sense.

It was an utterly devastating thing to hear.

She loved me for me so when I changed it didn't matter how I looked physically.

If I had stayed the man she married inside we would still be together I think no matter how I might change on the outside.

Look beyond it if you can and be cautious with your words.

Best of luck.

Edit: Sounds different in your case. You love the man inside which is the be all. The other can be worked on.

LegacyUser

Hey op.

First off you're not shallow - we're all need physical attraction - its human nature.

I think you have to say something to him - if i were in his shoes id prefer to know exactly how you feel. You obviously both love each other and you are life long partners... you should be able to say anything to him - of course it will be a very tough thing to say and a tough thing to hear but it can't be ignored. I notice a huge difference in my body with 1 stone - 8 stone is a huge difference...

If you don't say anything - things will surely disintegrate further and further until you have no attraction and break up. Hurting his feelings now might seem horrible - but it could be necessary to save your relationship!

You've tried the discreet route and is hasn't worked - i think tackling the issue up front is the only way.

Changing his lifestyle might be something that can help - doing something tougher might be an option, walking, running, etc.

Very best of luck

LegacyUser

At this stage your husband has put on about 8 stone since you met him. That's a lot of extra weight. I don't know if he is tall, small or has a big build but if say he has gone from 13 stone to 21 stone any one that has not seen him a few years would be bound to notice the extra weight.

My advice is that is time to tell your husband since you met him he has put on a lot of weight and that your worried about him. I would tell him that you don't want him getting diebetics or dropping dead of a heart attack. If you have children I would say to him if you don't lose weight you won't be alive to see them grow up.

I would tell him at this stage he needs to lose weight as your not going to have sex with him untill he starts making some effort in regards to this for you. I would say to him I have tried to get you to lose weight before this and how would lose a stone and then put it all on again.

I would look and see if their is a slimming world class near you and tell him we are going to this.
Say to him that he can still have nice dinners, the odd drink or takeaway but that his bad habbits can't continue.
I have a friend who tried to lose weight for years and she tried everything but she lost over 4 stone with slimming world - she was eating plenty of good food and was not hungry.

Get a few people to meet him that have not seen him in while and get them all to tell him - you have put on a lot of weight and you need to lose some weight.

I know the above won't be an easy converstion but long term if he has put on this much weight it will only be a matter of time before his health suffers. I know a man who put on a lot of weight over the space of a few years. One of his freinds told him it is time we both lost some weight otherwise we will both get health problems. His freind lost a few stone and he did not. He is now a diebetic.

Tigger99

I agree with all of the advice above except when you spell it out that you she won't have sex with him til he loses weight. Saying that is just adding insult to injury and damaging someone who is no doubt aware of the weight gain but maybe feels it's hard to know where to start.

ShaShaBear

Tigger99 wrote: »

I agree with all of the advice above except when you spell it out that you she won't have sex with him til he loses weight. Saying that is just adding insult to injury and damaging someone who is no doubt aware of the weight gain but maybe feels it's hard to know where to start.

Agreed. Depriving him of an integral aspect of a loving, intimate relationship as punishment for putting on weight is a surefire way to lose, say, all 21 stone of him :pac:
You definitely do need to be blunt. Approach with the aspect of concerns for health if you don't want to tell him you don't fancy him.

Cupcake_Crisis

I'd broach the subject with him, but come at it from a health perspective. 8st is quite a lot of extra weight, could you suggest couples exercise classes? Going for a walk together in the evening?

Do you think you'll be attracted to him again if he loses weight? If not, it might be time to leave. I'd be heart broken if I knew that my partner wasn't attracted to me but stayed out of obligation.

Heckler

All very easy to say behind a keyboard. Whats she meant to say ? "You're fat and I don't want to **** you anymore".

If the roles were reversed their would be outrage. You shallow this and that.

Seen it here so many times. "My wifes put on a lot of weight and I'm not attracted to her anymore". You bastard. Uncaring prick. Lose weight yourself ya fat asshole.

Ursus Horribilis

There's no better way to start a row on boards than to bring up the thorny subject of a partner's weight gain. Not everyone will agree of course but I think most people prefer their partner to be slimmer and in good shape. I don't think you're shallow at all. And despite the comments of the heckler above me, I don't see anything wrong with a man saying the same thing if the sexes were reversed.

Dropping hints rarely works when it comes to delicate subjects like this so you're going to have to be direct but gentle. For your husband to have gained that amount of weight, there may be underlying issues. Is he happy in his job? With how his life is going? Is he bored? I think coming at it from a health point of view is the best angle. Tell him you love him but you're worried about the amount of weight he's gained. Perhaps you both could start doing activities together (no sniggering down the back!) such as walking, cycling, going to the gym, hillwalking etc.

Taltos

Mod note
Heckler, PI is not a discussion forum. Leave your attitude at the door, if you don't have constructive advice to offer the OP just don't post, doing otherwise invites moderator action.

Heckler

OK. Based on my experience once sexual attraction has gone it's pretty much impossible to get back.

Your case may hopefully be different, I wish you luck.

am i bovvered

I think you have to tell him.

The fact is if you guys broke up he would probably get his ass down the gym, loose the weight and become more attractive to get a new woman in his life, who by the sounds of it would not be as nice as yourself !

I always say if a person put the same effort into the old relationship as they do into the new one they might find that there partner was still beautiful, sexy, funny and compatible.

Really wish you the best regardless.

kerryjack

am i bovvered wrote: »

I think you have to tell him.

The fact is if you guys broke up he would probably get his ass down the gym, loose the weight and become more attractive to get a new woman in his life, who by the sounds of it would not be as nice as yourself !

I always say if a person put the same effort into the old relationship as they do into the new one they might find that there partner was still beautiful, sexy, funny and compatible.

Really wish you the best regardless.

New woman are these not 2 guys or am I reading it wrong

Bandana boy

I don't think you need to threaten to leave or withhold sex here.
Your Husband knows he is overweight and knows how to lose it.
He has given up in the past and resorted to bad habits , I know personally how easy that slip is .
You need to tell him you will support him in a drive to lose weight and will support him in stopping back sliding . Maybe come up with some romantic rewards for milestones and if you see him backsliding a dig and "your going to delay our reward" chat might give him the encouragement he needs.

Straighenup

To be together 18 years and married for 8 is a massive achievement and congratulations on that, there must indeed be a strong love between you both. You said you were quite young when you got together and that may be part of the problem, you(I assume) are approaching 35 and its often a time in our lives when we question everything. A lot of people change career and partner, perhaps as a result of our impending 40's perhaps not. You said your partner gained 8 stone, that didn't happen overnight. Were you sexually attracted to him after he gained 2 stone? 4 stone? 6 stone? Then point I'm getting at is that perhaps his weight gain is not the core issue. He may have similar feelings. Communication is key to any relationship, something has changed, it may be you, it may be him, it may be that the relationship has simply ran its course. Talk to him, just tell him that something has changed, there will be hurt and upset but if your relationship is meant to stay the course, those feelings wont last. Best of luck to you whatever you do. We all have a right to be happy. If you'll excuse the cliche, its good to talk.

LegacyUser

Firstly I would like to say thank you all so much for your replies, and also thank you for not judging me on my post and understanding how I feel.

I have definitely tried a lot of what you have all suggested... We're currently on Slimming world... I joined to try help him but it's what he's eating at work that I can't help him with. I've also suggested a couple of different forms of exercise like walking, strolling, anything that will keep him active and he's always so tired after work - he works in construction so there's a lot of hard labour - and because of his job he will say he doesn't need the extra exercise as he is constantly on the go from am to pm. Now I get this and if I had a physical job like him then maybe I wouldn't be as eager to get out and exercise. He's not lazy and helps me out loads around the house and with the kids. I also can't say there are underlying problems as he is such a happy go lucky sort of guy and we really can talk about everything personal (except this) He is definitely a character that hides behind his weight issues. His mates always jest with him that he's punching above his weight and he notices the male attention I would get whilst out in the pub or out and about but it doesn't seem to bother him! This is all part of his happy go lucky character (which I love about him) I know he'd like to be slimmer but he's addicted to food! and this is the main problem.

I have said to him nicely a few times that he'd need to lose weight for the sake of the kids etc and he always agrees but does nothing about it.... The only thing I haven't told him is that i'm not physically attracted to him. I know you have all said this is probably my only option but I know this would really get to him and I honestly think we, as a couple would change. He'd take me up the wrong way and think I don't love him anymore.
I honestly think the reason he has gained so much over the years is that he is happy in every aspect of life, he has the lovely wife who loves him for who he is, the friends who love him for who he is, the family - who love him for who he is, the kids, the good job etc and because of this he is comfortable in life and because of this he feels no need to change and like someone else said on here , if i were to leave him he'd only go and lose loads of weight and meet someone else in retaliation and that would be the end of us all together! But i definitely can't go on like this. It is getting to the point where i'm either drinking to have sex with him or making excuses! and that is not healthy! I know a healthy sex life is key in any relationship but I can't go on living off my fantasy dreams that I keep having!! I feel like i'm going on here now so i'm just going to leave this here... I'm going to try my hardest to speak with him about this but I really know it's going to break his heart!

professore

Anonymousneedingadvice wrote: »

Firstly I would like to say thank you all so much for your replies, and also thank you for not judging me on my post and understanding how I feel.

I have definitely tried a lot of what you have all suggested... We're currently on Slimming world... I joined to try help him but it's what he's eating at work that I can't help him with. I've also suggested a couple of different forms of exercise like walking, strolling, anything that will keep him active and he's always so tired after work - he works in construction so there's a lot of hard labour - and because of his job he will say he doesn't need the extra exercise as he is constantly on the go from am to pm. Now I get this and if I had a physical job like him then maybe I wouldn't be as eager to get out and exercise. He's not lazy and helps me out loads around the house and with the kids. I also can't say there are underlying problems as he is such a happy go lucky sort of guy and we really can talk about everything personal (except this) He is definitely a character that hides behind his weight issues. His mates always jest with him that he's punching above his weight and he notices the male attention I would get whilst out in the pub or out and about but it doesn't seem to bother him! This is all part of his happy go lucky character (which I love about him) I know he'd like to be slimmer but he's addicted to food! and this is the main problem.

I have said to him nicely a few times that he'd need to lose weight for the sake of the kids etc and he always agrees but does nothing about it.... The only thing I haven't told him is that i'm not physically attracted to him. I know you have all said this is probably my only option but I know this would really get to him and I honestly think we, as a couple would change. He'd take me up the wrong way and think I don't love him anymore.
I honestly think the reason he has gained so much over the years is that he is happy in every aspect of life, he has the lovely wife who loves him for who he is, the friends who love him for who he is, the family - who love him for who he is, the kids, the good job etc and because of this he is comfortable in life and because of this he feels no need to change and like someone else said on here , if i were to leave him he'd only go and lose loads of weight and meet someone else in retaliation and that would be the end of us all together! But i definitely can't go on like this. It is getting to the point where i'm either drinking to have sex with him or making excuses! and that is not healthy! I know a healthy sex life is key in any relationship but I can't go on living off my fantasy dreams that I keep having!! I feel like i'm going on here now so i'm just going to leave this here... I'm going to try my hardest to speak with him about this but I really know it's going to break his heart!

I think you should tell him. It's a fixable problem. Lots of men get told this "I love youbut I'm not in love with you" and it isn't fixable ( e.g. she fancies or is cheating with some other man ). Also calorie intake is the #1 way to lose weight. Does he take healthy lunches to work? Does he have a big fry up or microwaved food waiting for him when he comes home? Lots of fast food and pizzas? Big portion sizes? Going back for seconds or eating the kids food too?

He needs to change his diet. Less carbs more veg and lean meat. Porridge in the morning. Lots of fish.Dieting is not a permanent solution. He has to feel full for it to work. Sugar is the devil.


Also start a couch to 5k, cycling or start with walking. He should do it for health reasons too. I'd try to convince him to do this for himself. If he anything like me, having his wife nag and push him into it is a surefire recipe for failure.

kerryjack

Interesting conversation this , ye are victims of childhood sweet hearts. You are still young probably about the same age I got married at , your probably still very attractive and your husband has fell into that safe happy hard working life thinking he is doing alright looking after his family. I think this will come as a big shock to your husband if you tell him your just not in to him anymore because he has doubled in size Scence he got married.if it was me I probably would tell you off you go and see can you get something better, and than when your gone I probably would try and lose a few ponds and try to meet someone that would like me now and not the way I looked when I was 18.

andekwarhola

kerryjack wrote: »

Interesting conversation this , ye are victims of childhood sweet hearts. You are still young probably about the same age I got married at , your probably still very attractive and your husband has fell into that safe happy hard working life thinking he is doing alright looking after his family. I think this will come as a big shock to your husband if you tell him your just not in to him anymore because he has doubled in size Scence he got married.if it was me I probably would tell you off you go and see can you get something better, and than when your gone I probably would try and lose a few ponds and try to meet someone that would like me now and not the way I looked when I was 18.

Everybody's looks fade over time and you gain a bit of padding but still no excuse to be 8 stone overweight, to be fair.

You've also a bit of duty to your family not to be putting yourself in a health risk category like that.

I know it's a complex issue and I'm trying not to judge.

kerryjack

She is 36 looks great, getting loads of attention and looking for a bit of excitement using the excuse that her husband is over weight, my OH could use excuse well he has only half the hair he had when he got married ya my wife's boobs have dropped half an inch since I got married what can we do to stop this terrible thing that's happening to us

woodchuck

kerryjack wrote: »

She is 36 looks great, getting loads of attention and looking for a bit of excitement using the excuse that her husband is over weight, my OH could use excuse well he has only half the hair he had when he got married ya my wife's boobs have dropped half an inch since I got married what can we do to stop this terrible thing that's happening to us

That's really unfair. The OP has given no indication that she is looking for a bit of excitement elsewhere. She has come on here with a serious issue that she is no longer attracted to her husband due to his extreme weight gain. This is not a simple symptom of getting older, but due to a poor lifestyle and is reversible.

OP this is a really difficult situation. I don't think hinting around the subject is going to make any difference though. Going for the odd stroll and making him healthier dinners isn't going to shift 8 stone. He needs a major lifestyle change and he needs to be self motivated to do this successfully (but with your support too). Obviously he's not motivated at the moment... perhaps if he knew your thoughts he would be. I know it's a horrible conversation to have, but I don't really see any other way forward.

bee06

kerryjack wrote: »

She is 36 looks great, getting loads of attention and looking for a bit of excitement using the excuse that her husband is over weight, my OH could use excuse well he has only half the hair he had when he got married ya my wife's boobs have dropped half an inch since I got married what can we do to stop this terrible thing that's happening to us

There are some aging affects that we can't control and just have to accept. Gaining 8 stone is not one of them.

OP, I think you have to be somewhat honest with him, not blunt but nothing's going to change otherwise from the sounds of it.

groovyg

kerryjack wrote: »

She is 36 looks great, getting loads of attention and looking for a bit of excitement using the excuse that her husband is over weight, my OH could use excuse well he has only half the hair he had when he got married ya my wife's boobs have dropped half an inch since I got married what can we do to stop this terrible thing that's happening to us

8 stone is a lot more than just over weight you are into obese territory and its not healthy. Peoples looks change as they age but to put on 8 stone is pretty scary, that's the weight of another person.

professore

kerryjack wrote: »

She is 36 looks great, getting loads of attention and looking for a bit of excitement using the excuse that her husband is over weight, my OH could use excuse well he has only half the hair he had when he got married ya my wife's boobs have dropped half an inch since I got married what can we do to stop this terrible thing that's happening to us

If your husband put on 8 stone would you still find them attractive?

kerryjack

professore wrote: »

If your husband put on 8 stone would you still find them attractive?

Well for me as the years roll on I prefer to have some one I can enjoy life with someone that's there for me for the bad times someone that won't judge me, by Jesus there is enough of that now days and hopefully someone you can watch your family grow around you with.

ligerdub

By the sounds of his happy go lucky nature it sounds like he might not consider what you're thinking to be a possibility. If he knew it were such a big issue for you at the moment then he might take it more seriously.

As bad as it is, an effective way to lose this is to be scared into it.

Has he had a medical check recently?

blairbear

kerryjack wrote: »

Well for me as the years roll on I prefer to have some one I can enjoy life with someone that's there for me for the bad times someone that won't judge me, by Jesus there is enough of that now days and hopefully someone you can watch your family grow around you with.

And none of those things will happen with an obese partner.
If he was average sized previously, he must be at least 20 stone now.
He is at risk for Type 2 Diabetes, high cholesterol, heart disease, a range of GI problems, joint problems..and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
It is unrealistic to think that putting on an enormous amount of weight wouldn't adversely affect a relationship in many ways.
I think the OP has been very sensitive and considerate thus far.

LegacyUser

Thanks once again for all your replies. Some great advice given here and thanks to all those who haven't judged me or made up their own perception of me. KerryJack - it almost seems like you've made an opinion about me here but you are so wrong with some of your responses! Not once have I said i'm 'looking for a bit of excitement' Yes, I may have mentioned having sexy dreams but that doesn't mean that I'm looking for a bit of fun elsewhere! One can't control their dreams unfortunately! Like I said in my original post - I am not a shallow person whatsoever!!
I've also pointed out that myself and DH get on great and really enjoy life together! This aspect hasn't been affected in our relationship at all, my point is is that I don't get tickles in my tummy anymore when it comes to our sex life, and this is all down to him gaining so much weight! a bit of balding hair, saggy boobs etc is definitely not something that would put me off! but Sex is definitely a lot more awkward when you have eight extra stone on top of you unfortunately! I get your point that there is far too much judgement in this world and I am definitely not a judgemental person at all! but like someone else pointed out - his health is being affected here! and how the hell am I going to continue to enjoy a fun filled life with my husband if he all of a sudden faces health issues due to being so overweight? It's not going to work out like that......
To everyone else that have shown their concern and given me some great advice (which is all I was looking for) I managed to have a good chat with DH over the weekend. He knows he has a problem. He also said he knows i haven't fancied him for quite some time now! but he understood why. It absolutely broke my heart to hear him say it! He knows he has a problem and is going to try his hardest to sort it out.... He said he probably needed to hear the words come from my mouth to really give him the kick up the ass that he needs! He's been living in denial for quite some time now as I love him for who he is ... He also has to have regular health check ups in work due to his job and he has always been told that although he carries so much weight, he has no problems with cholesterol, diabetes, etc so he reckons this is another reason why he's just carried on the way he has! I just told him it's when he's that bit older that the strain of his weight will have a big affect and to try and sort it out whilst he's still young! I'm delighted I had the chat! I'm not saying it's going to be an easy road from here on out but here's to hoping he gets himself on the right path to a healthier lifestyle! I KNOW I can't do it for him! he can only help himself but he definitely seems a lot more positive about it all

ligerdub

What you did took a lot of guts, and in truth was considerate of him. Hopefully thinks pick up for you both.

LegacyUser

Well done OP - great you managed to have a talk with him. You should keep the conversation open about it now, don't let it slide (without being too overbearing about the situation).

Best of luck for the future

bucketybuck

kerryjack wrote: »

the excuse that her husband is over weight,

Its not an excuse, its a fact, 8 stone is almost another whole person.

kerryjack

Glad ye had the chat and it went well OP I probably jumped on the defensive of all us middle-aged average joes out there and wasn't balanced and for that I apologise. I worked in construction myself and it can be hard to eat healthy and stay away from the breakfast rolls you might bring a pact lunch for a while but the breakfast roll is very tempting.wish ye all the best.