Ex gossiping

LegacyUser

Hi all.

I recently broke up with a girl I'd been seeing. We'd been good friends before we started dating. She ended the relationship a few weeks ago, citing a lack if chemistry. IMO she didnt give it a chance. I was fairly gutted but I tried to move on. She was there for me in a rough period of my life and had seen me at a particuarly low ebb. I wasnt suicidal or anything but things had got on top of me. She'd had been a rock when I really needed it. She basically forced her self into my life to help me and was amazing.

Anyway, after we split up, she asked to remain friends. I refused because I knew I'd want more and I knew she wasnt willing to give it so I felt it was fairest to both of us.

A few days ago, a mutual friend of ours met me. This friend told started talking about the break-up and had a great deal more insight into what had happened than I did. An embarassing amount more... As the night wore on, it became apperent that she knew, basically, everything that had happened during the ****ty period mentioned earlier.. But more than that, all of the events had been twisted to mae me seem as pathetic as possible.

Suffice to say I was humiliated. I removed the ex from all my social media. (We hadnt been in contact) She noticed more or less straightaway. SHe messaged me on facebook. I blocked her . She messaged via text and again I ignored it. She messaged a 3rd time and I hit the roof. I told her exactly why I had removed her.

I feel somewhat better but Im still so humiliated that I dont know what to do. SHe asked to meet for a chat and I told her there was no way.. I'm really not sure how to move on. My hometown is a small place and I wonder just how many people know and how it's affected my reputation

Tokyo

When it comes to gossip in general, I'm a big believer in the more you try and contest it, the more people attach meaning to it and perpetuate it.

So as hard as it is to sit on the sidelines and not jump in when you feel you have been wronged, the best approach is to ignore it. And continue to ignore it. People perpetuating the gossip, be it your ex or people she's spoken to, just want to get a reaction from you. From what you've posted, youve done nothign wrong, so continue on with your life with your head held high.

At the end of the day, the people who actually mean something in your life will see the truth, and will recognise that the remarks she's made about you are actually more reflective of her character than yours. Anybody who doesn't, and uses said gossip as a stick to beat you with, was never really a friend in the first place, in which case at least now you know who your true friends are.

The best revenge is living well. Don't allow her misery to suck you in with it.

Big Bag of Chips

She knows she's done wrong and is now desperately trying to roll it back or minimise what she's done. Ignore all and every attempt at contact. Do not meet up with her. Do not reply. It will be a tough lesson for her to learn but she needs to realise that when she breaks the trust and confidence of a good friend that she doesn't get to decide whether or not any relationship or friendship still exists.

You have every right to be annoyed at her. But I can guarantee if you let her in and give her the opportunity to 'explain' it will be twisted and turned to make her not be so bad. I would guess she didn't tell others out of malice, but more out of immaturity. Regardless, for you the end result is the same. Ignore her now. And as Mike rightly says ignore everyone and everything else. The less oxygen you give this the sooner it will die off and be forgotten and people will move onto the next bit of gossip.

irishdude11

Lesson learned. Never tell anyone anything that you wouldn't be happy if other people got to know it. People tell other people the most compromising things and tell them 'keep it a secret'..when in fact they couldn't even keep it to themselves..and now the person they told it to has even less incentive to keep it secret, it's ridiculous.

I've been told stuff before like this..I know of one fact that would ruin a 20 year relationship which now involves kids, because the guy in that relationship told someone and said 'keep it a secret'..and then this person told me and said the same thing 'keep it a secret'!

Just never say anything to anyone about something you wouldn't want getting around..if you had used this approach you wouldn't be in this situation now.

LegacyUser

Hi FeelingBetrayed2345,

I know how you feel. A few years ago I was in a similar position. It was horrible to hear what one person said about me especailly when him and I were good friends in the past. I know I did nothing wrong but be too trusting of a person who did not deserve my friendship and trust.

At least you got the chance to tell her why you blocked her on fb and why your ignoring her now. She was with friends and decided to tell them about your bad patch in detail.
I would not be supprised if some of her friends are ignoring her due to this as they could have realise what type of person she is. People don't like personal information shared.

If she trys to contact you again I would just tell her your upset she shared private information you told her with other people. Ask her how would she feel if you did the same to her? I would tell her then to leave you alone.

If I was you I would go out, meet people and act like nothing is up. I know if live in a small place you feel like everyone is talking about you but it will just be a matter of time before they get some fresh gossip.

tara73

irishdude11 wrote: »

Lesson learned. Never tell anyone anything that you wouldn't be happy if other people got to know it..

I understood it was his girlfriend at that time. So pretty nasty if you can't trust your girlfriend. And he said he was in a rough patch, how could he have hidden it, they probably saw each other a good amount of time.

He's done nothing wrong.

leggo

Some thing to keep in mind OP:

People tend to receive information as it suits them. So, for example, if someone already didn't like you, was on your girlfriend's side anyway or had a vested interest in slamming you (e.g. A lad who fancied her), they'll listen to her, but they were always going to take her side so are going to just take any information that supports that unquestioned and if it wasn't what she said, it'd be something else they'd dislike you for. You can't control that. Those who know you and like you will go the other way and either believe and sympathise, or not believe it, or say "hmmm that's not the guy I know..." if she's embellishing in any way.

Secondly, most right-minded people take info from an ex with a grain of salt. It's the old 'his penis was huge when I was with him but tiny from the day we broke up'. I barely listen to the information of people giving out about their exes, take all of it with a huge pinch of salt, and it just makes the person giving out look a bit bitter and not over the ex tbh. The people who don't read it that way, as above, are people who likely weren't gonna take your side anyway and you're better off without them in your life because they were never in your corner anyway.

Lastly, have you learned anything from this? Genuine question, I don't mean it as in you're to blame here. But, for example, I'll always make sure to try keep exes sweet after we break up because, as well as just being a civil human being who doesn't like to carry grudges, you do get vulnerable with a partner and it's good to kinda keep them on side when possible so they don't tell all your secrets. Is there any little thing you maybe would do differently in the aftermath of the break up that would've kept her more sweet, or even learned not to let the walls down so much for future? I only ask because this kinda thing is a learning experience and it's always good to have notes for the future from these things.

infogiver

She doesn't want to apologise or explain OP she wants to make excuses to put herself in a better light with you and stop you from telling people how badly she's behaved and also to feel better about herself.
What a lucky escape you've had. I know you don't feel that way about it right now but you will.
It's a terrible character flaw not being able to respect someone else's privacy and will get her into plenty of trouble until she learns her lesson

Neyite

If I was told that kind of gossip, I would think very badly of your ex. It's not a person I would trust in a friendship, and I imagine that any potential boyfriends would think likewise.

She comes across terribly. Not you. For you, it's embarrassing I'm sure, but you did the right thing in blocking her.

irishdude11

tara73 wrote: »

I understood it was his girlfriend at that time. So pretty nasty if you can't trust your girlfriend. And he said he was in a rough patch, how could he have hidden it, they probably saw each other a good amount of time.

He's done nothing wrong.

Nothing wrong with telling your girlfriend compromising information, but then there's use getting upset about if she divulges it down the line. It might be nasty but that's real life. As soon as he told her whatever it was, the probability of other people knowing about it went from 0 to some non-zero number. And from I've seen, just about nobody can keep a secret.

So many times over the years I've been told something about somebody followed by 'don't mention it to them' or the old classic 'keep it to yourself'.The most constructive approach to this situation is to learn its best not to reveal such information in the first place, and I'm sure if the OP finds himself in such a situation again with some other gf he'll make the smart choice after learning from this mistake.

tara73

see, this is your point of view and experience, but it's not like this is life. maybe you have the unfortunate habit of choosing the wrong people.

the real friends I have I can trust 100%.

The OP might have trusted a person who's not trustworthy. But OP, that doesn't mean the whole world is not trustworthy, don't believe it for a second.
There are many nice, loyal people out there, and you'll find them.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it would be a very sad relationship to be in that if you were at a low ebb in your life you'd feel you'd have to hide it from your partner for fear of it coming back to bite you later. People are constantly being told to talk to someone when they are feeling low. To share the problem with family, or friends, or loved ones. It is not your fault OP that someone else knows this. That is completely on your ex's head. And if you never speaking to her again is what needs to happen in order for her to learn that what she did was a shtty thing to do, then so be it.

She's no loss to you. I'd say the loss of your friendship or even passing acquaintance is a bigger blow to her. Please don't let her immature carry on stop you from leaning on people in the future if the need ever arises. Some people love to be there as a support to others, but they then love to let people know how much of a support to others they are. As another poster said, if someone came to me sharing that sort of information I'd think badly of them not of the person they were talking about. And I'd be sure to give them a wide berth in future. Some people love a bit of gossip and thrive on it. Most decent people have no interest in hearing personal information about others.