Did your families come around eventually?

Rob G

Today is hard since it is the first Mothers Day I haven't been welcome at my parents. They don't accept my daughter, their granddaughter as female and blame me for allowing her to transition. Their argument is that while it's not my fault that "he's" a "poof" I shouldn't be allowing "cross dressing" so we are as bad as each other. When "Michael" wears boys clothes, cuts "his" hair and takes out the earrings we are welcome.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and her transition has made her a much happier, more relaxed, confident person, there is no way on earth I'm even going to suggest to her boys clothes or put her in an environment for even a couple of hours with people who'll call her by anything but Rachael. It just isn't going to happen. I won't put her in that position.

I really want a relationship with my parents, and for her to have a relationship with her grandparents, which can only happen if they can find it in their hearts to come round. I just hope it can happen.

JackTaylorFan

Hi, Rob. I'm really sorry to learn your parents are rejecting Rachel. That's a shockingly bigoted reaction in Ireland 2017. Maybe they'll come around, maybe not. They are both probably angry - which they have no right to be - but that's the way it goes, I'm afriad. I would suggest you keep Rachel far away from toxic people like that - it's the last thing she needs. In all honesty, your parents are most likely going through a grieving phase too - but that does not excuse their behaviour.

My own experience with my family has been a very mixed bag; some have surprised me with how accepting they have been and some have shocked me with just how hateful and judgmental they really are.

Both my parents are in their 60s now, both devoutly religious too - but I think my mother has come around completely at last - though she fought me for the first year or so. She still sometimes misgemders me (but I can forgive her that). My father has not been so accepting - we still speak (just about) but I don't think he accepts it - merely tolerates what I am for the sake of peace (not to say he has not had his outbursts). From other transwomen stories I've heard - it seems the male parent usually has a bigger problem with it - put it down to some misplaced sense of paternal pride or an extension of their own male ego or something. So again, what you have done is remarkable - and please don't give in to your parents' backwards way of thinking.

My siblings response has been quite varied: I told my youngest sister first as I felt I could trust her - she has been good, never once did she challenge my decision to move forward with treatment. My other sister though, is another story. I always thought she was quite liberal minded about LGBT issues - but I guess it was just because it was not in her own backyard. I don't plan on speaking to her again.

I am not close to my distant relatives - but from what I hear, there is a lot of acceptance from them (young and old) - though I'm sure there is still a few who would rather not know me now at all now.

I wish I had something better to say, I don't. Time sometimes help these things, but not always. I think your parents both could do with getting educated and perhaps some counseling - but that's not your responsibility and it's certainly not your daughter's.

Rob G

Thanks Jack Taylor Fan.

I really appreciate your input because you know what she's going through probably much better than I do.

What I'm doing is far from remarkable, I have no idea what I'm doing, I make mistakes every day, I'm constantly asking for advice, constantly assuming the wrong thing, I'm probably too soft on her most of the time............

robyntmorton

I've always said that if you're waiting for universal acceptance you'll be waiting a very long time. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do something though.

Some people will never accept it. Some will eventually come round. If they can't accept you being yourself, or in this case your daughter being herself, that is their problem.

They may eventually see how much happier she is, and grow to accept it, and if they do that's great. Always be open to them having a loving relationship with their granddaughter, but always be prepared to step in and say "this isn't right" if they try and take their anger/upset/annoyance out on her.

JackTaylorFan

Rob G wrote: »

Thanks Jack Taylor Fan.

I really appreciate your input because you know what she's going through probably much better than I do.

What I'm doing is far from remarkable, I have no idea what I'm doing, I make mistakes every day, I'm constantly asking for advice, constantly assuming the wrong thing, I'm probably too soft on her most of the time............

No two stories are the same. I can probably relate on some level to what Racheal is going through - but she will have her own unique story to tell in the end. One that most certainly includes an outstamding father. I really can't over-emphasize what a wonderful job you are doing.

As for mistakes - we all make them. I have said and done a lot of regrettable things out of anger trying to get through this - okay, maybe not a lot, but a few.

As for parenting in general? Well, does anybody ever get it 100% correct? You're doing the best for your child - that's all you can do.

JackTaylorFan

robyntmorton wrote: »

They may eventually see how much happier she is, and grow to accept it, and if they do that's great. Always be open to them having a loving relationship with their granddaughter, but always be prepared to step in and say "this isn't right" if they try and take their anger/upset/annoyance out on her.

I agree, in time - give your parents another chance - but not right now. They are obviously only going to hurt Racheal at this moment in time.

mcneil

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Hi, Rob. I'm really sorry to learn your parents are rejecting Rachel. That's a shockingly bigoted reaction in Ireland 2017. Maybe they'll come around, maybe not. They are both probably angry - which they have no right to be - but that's the way it goes, I'm afriad. I would suggest you keep Rachel far away from toxic people like that - it's the last thing she needs. In all honesty, your parents are most likely going through a grieving phase too - but that does not excuse their behaviour.

My own experience with my family has been a very mixed bag; some have surprised me with how accepting they have been and some have shocked me with just how hateful and judgmental they really are.

Both my parents are in their 60s now, both devoutly religious too - but I think my mother has come around completely at last - though she fought me for the first year or so. She still sometimes misgemders me (but I can forgive her that). My father has not been so accepting - we still speak (just about) but I don't think he accepts it - merely tolerates what I am for the sake of peace (not to say he has not had his outbursts). From other transwomen stories I've heard - it seems the male parent usually has a bigger problem with it - put it down to some misplaced sense of paternal pride or an extension of their own male ego or something. So again, what you have done is remarkable - and please don't give in to your parents' backwards way of thinking.

My siblings response has been quite varied: I told my youngest sister first as I felt I could trust her - she has been good, never once did she challenge my decision to move forward with treatment. My other sister though, is another story. I always thought she was quite liberal minded about LGBT issues - but I guess it was just because it was not in her own backyard. I don't plan on speaking to her again.

I am not close to my distant relatives - but from what I hear, there is a lot of acceptance from them (young and old) - though I'm sure there is still a few who would rather not know me now at all now.

I wish I had something better to say, I don't. Time sometimes help these things, but not always. I think your parents both could do with getting educated and perhaps some counseling - but that's not your responsibility and it's certainly not your daughter's.

Thats a very strong word used there. Them people have a right to feel and think what they like. They dont have to accept someone dressing up as a girl even if its a grandkid so IMO, your out of order saying they are toxic people!

infogiver

Rob G wrote: »

Thanks Jack Taylor Fan.

I really appreciate your input because you know what she's going through probably much better than I do.

What I'm doing is far from remarkable, I have no idea what I'm doing, I make mistakes every day, I'm constantly asking for advice, constantly assuming the wrong thing, I'm probably too soft on her most of the time............

Do you think some of it is almost bereavement grief? Michael is gone forever. They cherished Michael, they imagined him on his college graduation day, getting married etc and now he's gone forever and has been replaced by Rachel, who they don't know at all.
And Michael is never to be mentioned again, indeed everyone has to act as if he never existed.
It's also fear. What kind of life will Rachel have? Will she meet someone who will treat her right? Can she be a parent? Can she get married? Can she travel? What about her passport?
All these things could be bothering the grandparents, we just don't know.

Professor Moriarty

Rob G wrote: »

Today is hard since it is the first Mothers Day I haven't been welcome at my parents. They don't accept my daughter, their granddaughter as female and blame me for allowing her to transition. Their argument is that while it's not my fault that "he's" a "poof" I shouldn't be allowing "cross dressing" so we are as bad as each other. When "Michael" wears boys clothes, cuts "his" hair and takes out the earrings we are welcome.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and her transition has made her a much happier, more relaxed, confident person, there is no way on earth I'm even going to suggest to her boys clothes or put her in an environment for even a couple of hours with people who'll call her by anything but Rachael. It just isn't going to happen. I won't put her in that position.

I really want a relationship with my parents, and for her to have a relationship with her grandparents, which can only happen if they can find it in their hearts to come round. I just hope it can happen.

It's interesting that you weren't imbued with your parents' prejudices. Well done.

Rob G

infogiver wrote: »

Do you think some of it is almost bereavement grief? Michael is gone forever. They cherished Michael, they imagined him on his college graduation day, getting married etc and now he's gone forever and has been replaced by Rachel, who they don't know at all.
And Michael is never to be mentioned again, indeed everyone has to act as if he never existed.
It's also fear. What kind of life will Rachel have? Will she meet someone who will treat her right? Can she be a parent? Can she get married? Can she travel? What about her passport?
All these things could be bothering the grandparents, we just don't know.

I'm grieving for the same reasons too, and I don't find it easy. I wasn't slagging my parents off, just hoping they'll come to terms with it and let us back in their lives.

baby and crumble

mcneil wrote: »

Thats a very strong word used there. Them people have a right to feel and think what they like. They dont have to accept someone dressing up as a girl even if its a grandkid so IMO, your out of order saying they are toxic people!

Mod note: Just FYI, McNeil, please have a read of the forum charter before posting again. Trans individuals are not "dressing up".

Annasopra

mcneil wrote: »

Thats a very strong word used there. Them people have a right to feel and think what they like. They dont have to accept someone dressing up as a girl even if its a grandkid so IMO, your out of order saying they are toxic people!

Please remember the forum charter using such language as "dressing up as a girl". Any problems PM me

zoe 3619

No advice,but you sound like a wonderful father.Much respect,and wishing you and your daughter the best of luck.x

Professor Moriarty

Rob G wrote: »

I'm grieving for the same reasons too, and I don't find it easy. I wasn't slagging my parents off, just hoping they'll come to terms with it and let us back in their lives.

It may be that you and your daughter will have to stop 'chasing' them. You don't need to fall out with them but they might need to realise where your allegiances lie. As long as there are few negatives for them in having their prejudices, they will feel no need to change their prejudices. Remember, they are rejecting an innocent human being.

Perhaps if they felt that it was they who needed to be let back in to you and your family's lives, they might be forced to re-examine their prejudices. Again, falling out with them probably won't achieve very much, but if their starting point is that their granddaughter (your daughter) is a 'poof' who is not welcome at their house, then I wouldn't be making a lot of allowances for them either.

infogiver

Rob G wrote: »

I'm grieving for the same reasons too, and I don't find it easy. I wasn't slagging my parents off, just hoping they'll come to terms with it and let us back in their lives.

I know that you are grieving. I'm just wondering if it would be worthwhile to sit down with them, just you and they, and tell them that you are sad and worried sick too and that you appreciate that this is also very painful upsetting and distressing for them too.
And ask them if you can all try to be patient and remember that time will pass and with it will come acceptance.

JackTaylorFan

mcneil wrote: »

Thats a very strong word used there. Them people have a right to feel and think what they like. They dont have to accept someone dressing up as a girl even if its a grandkid so IMO, your out of order saying they are toxic people!

Right... No, I can't be botheed...

JackTaylorFan

infogiver wrote: »

I know that you are grieving. I'm just wondering if it would be worthwhile to sit down with them, just you and they, and tell them that you are sad and worried sick too and that you appreciate that this is also very painful upsetting and distressing for them too.
And ask them if you can all try to be patient and remember that time will pass and with it will come acceptance.

I thibk the OP made it pretty clear that he has tried that already. Clearly the reaction he got should inform you: his parents are not ready to talk at the moment.

JackTaylorFan

infogiver wrote: »

Do you think some of it is almost bereavement grief? Michael is gone forever. They cherished Michael, they imagined him on his college graduation day, getting married etc and now he's gone forever and has been replaced by Rachel, who they don't know at all.
And Michael is never to be mentioned again, indeed everyone has to act as if he never existed.
It's also fear. What kind of life will Rachel have? Will she meet someone who will treat her right? Can she be a parent? Can she get married? Can she travel? What about her passport?
All these things could be bothering the grandparents, we just don't know.

Using language like "poof" would suggest there's more to it than just concern for their granddaughter to be honest. Grief or not, to call your own grandkid loaded words like that is unacceptable.

JupiterKid

I think for transgender persons it's like what it was like for gay people about 25 years ago. Society still needs quite some time for transgender persons to be widely accepted, at the moment many families only tolerate their transgender members but quite a few fortunately do accept them.

I'm not transgender so I can't appreciate how difficult it can be but I am gay and I was very fortunate with my family back in the late 90s when I came out to them. They were very accepting bar one aunt.

If your family reject you for who you truly are, they are not worth having. I know it sounds harsh, but it's up to them to want to accept your daughter, not the other way around. I can understand how they might "grieve" for Michael, but isn't it more important for Rachel to be in their lives as a much happier human being? Yes, time can heal and they may come around but sadly some never do. My two cents.