I don't like my girlfriends tattoos

johnnyw20

Not really sure this is the right forum or not for this

I've been going out with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years now and we have spoken in the past about how I don't like tattoos and she also told me she didn't think she would ever get one and that if she did, it would only be a little heart on her wrist

About 6 weeks ago she text me one afternoon saying herself and her friend were going looking at tattoos. I said that was fine and I didn't really pay much attention to it as I was really busy with work that day and my mind was focused on work

She then text me saying she was booked in to get a tattoo an hour later for a heart on her wrist. I told her that was ok as it is her body and it is tiny

She went and got the tattoo but she also got an anchor tattoo on her ankle at the same time. ever since she has gotten the tattoos, I've hated them. I can't look past them and don't know what to do about it. It's starting to affect the way I feel about her now

I don't mind the wrist tattoo but I cringe every time I see the ankle one. Would I be wrong to ask her if she would consider getting it removed? She even told me last week she regrets the tattoos

Atari Jaguar

OP,

1. Get a grip. You said you cringe when you see the tattoo, I was cringing reading your posts.

2. Yes you would be wrong to ask her to get laser removal. It's an expensive and painful procedure because you dont like the tattoos? They have nothing to do with you, it's her body her choice. You need to cop on to be blunt about it. If your girlfriend of 2 years is less attractive to you because of tattoos then you really need to do some growing up. You don't have to like tattoos & that's your choice but to even think it was fair to ask her to have them removed is just infuriating. I'd take a guess and imagine she said she regrets them because you're attitude no doubt has changed. Just grow up, to be honest is all I can say. If you love someone you should be able to look past such trivial things. She shouldn't have to worry about expressing herself through tattoos and piercings for fear of upsetting you. Unless it was something like a massive tattoo that said "I LIKE COCK SHOW ME YOUR COCK PLS" I can't agree with you asking her to remove it.

me_irl

More of a Personal Issue than anything (there's a forum for that).

I think you need to ask yourself why you can't see past the tattoos and why they bug you so much, even though it's not actually a bearing on the person you're with. Their personality is still the same, but they've a drawing that you dislike on them.

I'll warn you now don't try to impose your own dislikes on your other half. That's a form of control and not a healthy relationship to have.

the_pen_turner

i dont think you have any right to ask her tor remove them . its her body

but this is a deal breaker to you. i hate tattos aswell and i am ashamed to say it might make me rethink a relationship if my GF got some.

you need to sit down and think about your retationship and see if you can get past this.
then sit down and ask your gf if she honestly wants it removed or if she is doing it for you.

XxMCRxBabyxX

johnnyw20 wrote: »

as it is her body

Exactly

Star Lord

This is more a relationship issues type thread, I'll move it over there.

Please be aware that the Relationship Issues charter will now apply.
If you're not familiar with it, please go read it before posting.

LegacyUser

Tattoos are a bit of an irrational deal breaker for me too. I don't know why, but I hate them, and that's probably understating it. It's not something I'm going to change my mind on and is something I would act on. Even back in my dating days the first sight of a tat and I'd be gone, but they weren't as common / prevalent then. I'm just repulsed by them.

Funny thing is that if it ever comes up in conversation I'm the one that's in the wrong. If asked my opinion on a piece of body art I'll give it, eg. What do you think of this? Eh, it's not to my taste, I'm not into tattoos, it's like your saying you are meat eater to a vegan to some people. but i have never offered without being asked. In my opinion each to their own. But with choice come consequences, don't expect everyone to love what you love. Often the thing with these things is the ones that exercise their free choice to be or do something never recognise that others have the choice not to agree with or love the same thing.

So OP, if I were in your shoes I'd be gone, I don't know why but I feel that deeply about it. I would not expect to be understood or even expect them to remove the tat. Each to their own and that's a 2 way street.

The Raptor

You might not like the tattoo but this girl has already said that she has regret over getting it and she's the one that has to live with it for the rest of her life. How about supporting her instead of putting her down?

Rachiee

If you are in this relationship for the long hall its worth remembering that your girlfriends body will undergo many changes over the years which may be unattractive to you, she'll age, sag, stretch
If you love her you'll see past them, if you dont love her after 2 years when will you?

Teyla Emmagan

johnnyw20 wrote:

I don't mind the wrist tattoo but I cringe every time I see the ankle one. Would I be wrong to ask her if she would consider getting it removed? She even told me last week she regrets the tattoos

Why don't you suggest she gets it removed then? It sounds like neither of you like it. It's a long and expensive process though.

Ursus Horribilis

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Why don't you suggest she gets it removed then? It sounds like neither of you like it. It's a long and expensive process though.

^^ This. But be nice about it. Being supportive and encouraging is the way to go here. If she regrets having the tattoo(s) done, then she's not going to be feeling too good about herself.

amtc

If she doesn't like it perhaps you could gently probe if she would like to get it removed?

It's a long process and risky doing so soon after it being done as you're effectively damaging the skin twice in a short time.

I went with a friend to a consultation on this. Hers was a worse story as she had a symbol put on her back but fainted three times in two visits when the tattooist went to fill it in. No other one would finish it. Anyway years later she'd ignored it as it was on the top part of her back. Until she tried on her dream wedding dress. It took an awful lot of camouflage makeup.

Personally I wouldn't have one. I don't have any view really about them in relationships but I do question why people have small hidden ones if they are that proud of them.

lifeandtimes

Sounds to me she regrets them now because of your attitude towards them after being supportive, she told you twice and both times you said you were fine(being busy at work and not paying attention is your way of deflecting responsibility from the matter) and now you cringe about them, no doubt shed picked up on it and that's why she's said it.

A mark on the body is exactly what it is just a mark on the body,intentional or not, would you still feel the same if she had a birth mark or was to (knock on wood) be horribly scared in the future?

Our other halves do things we don't like sometimes but that's the thing it's about give and take.

Have these tattoos changed her? I doubt it and she should still be the same woman to you with your eyes open or closed looking at her.

In my opinion you need to grow up,a tattoo is just a tattoo, she told you twice and you said it was ok and now both of you have to live with her decision

lifeandtimes

amtc wrote: »

I do question why people have small hidden ones if they are that proud of them.

Because of employers with the same view id say,runs the risk of not being employed if they are visible. Many people are proud of things but dont shout about it like gun enthusiasts etc

bee06

amtc wrote: »

Personally I wouldn't have one. I don't have any view really about them in relationships but I do question why people have small hidden ones if they are that proud of them.

I have two "hidden" tattoos, one small, one bigger. They aren't hidden because I'm not proud of them, they are hidden because to me, they are to mark personal experiences I've been through. They are for me and I don't care what anyone thinks of them.

My husband doesn't like tattoos in general and I don't think he would ever have imagined going out with someone with tattoos before he met me. I am thinking of getting another and he has said he doesn't understand why and I think he'd prefer if I didn't but he will support me if I did. A tattoo doesn't change the person I am, no more than it has changed your girlfriend OP. It seems pretty sad to throw away a 2 year relationship because she got two small tattoos.

I have hidden/discrete tattoos. To the point where I forget I have them. Always wanted tattoos, but the fact is that employers often don't like them and I was future proofing myself as opposed to being ashamed of them.

OP, something I would query is whether she actually regrets them or she feels that way because she knows you don't like tattoos. If your disgust oozes out here as much as it does in your relationship, then I'm sure you've made it really tough for her.

leggo

Are you willing to break up with her over this? You're allowed to be with and not with whoever you want, after all. She may be upset initially, yes, but she'll get over it handy enough when it kicks in that she was with someone who was willing to end a two-year relationship because of small tattoos and because they felt they had a say in what she does and doesn't do with her body.

If not, then you need to get over it. It's her body, not yours, she's allowed make any decision she wants with it. Beginning, middle and end of story.

That's all it comes down to. If you're not willing to end it, suck it up and accept your girlfriend for who she is and accept that you don't get any say in that.

54and56

You've had a relationship with your GF for two years during which time she got to know how much you dislike tattoos. She goes and gets two tattoos.

She either put no thought whatsoever ref the impact on your relationship into getting them or didn't care. Either way you are well within your right to review whether this is the right relationship for you to be in.

IMHO relationships are partnerships based on a number of things which includes taking the other persons feelings into consideration when doing something, particularity something as permanent as a tattoo. The argument that it's your body and what you do with it is none of your partners business is totally bogus. If I let myself go via poor diet, no exercise etc and ballooned in weight terms it wouldn't be surprising if my wife no longer found me attractive and our relationship suffered. As a bloke I feel some obligation to remain attractive to my wife. If I went out of my way to do something which I knew in advance made me less attractive to her I wouldn't be surprised if she reacted negatively.

leggo

Je_suis_Jean wrote: »

The argument that it's your body and what you do with it is none of your partners business is totally bogus. If I let myself go via poor diet, no exercise etc and ballooned in weight terms it wouldn't be surprising if my wife no longer found me attractive and our relationship suffered. As a bloke I feel some obligation to remain attractive to my wife. If I went out of my way to do something which I knew in advance made me less attractive to her I wouldn't be surprised if she reacted negatively.

And in that case your wife's choice would be whether she wants to stay with you or not, in which she has to accept you if she does. At best she can state how your letting yourself go makes her feel and you can choose to respond to it or not based on that, but she has no right to pressure or force you to change who you are or what you do with your body, even in a marriage. That's when the line is crossed into controlling territory. We're all independent people still with a right to that independence, irrespective of any partnerships we've agreed to. And the only person you ever have any kind of control or authority over on this planet (except for young children obviously) is yourself.

The only time you get to have a say with a partner, and even then it's limited how much you can do, is if they're engaging in behaviour that's damaging to themselves, you, others or the family as a unit. Tattoos don't count.

54and56

leggo wrote: »

And in that case your wife's choice would be whether she wants to stay with you or not, in which she has to accept you if she does. At best she can state how your letting yourself go makes her feel and you can choose to respond to it or not based on that, but she has no right to pressure or force you to change who you are or what you do with your body, even in a marriage. That's when the line is crossed into controlling territory. We're all independent people still with a right to that independence, irrespective of any partnerships we've agreed to. And the only person you ever have any kind of control or authority over on this planet (except for young children obviously) is yourself.

The only time you get to have a say with a partner, and even then it's limited how much you can do, is if they're engaging in behaviour that's damaging to themselves, you, others or the family as a unit. Tattoos don't count.

Complete BS. As partners you share each others lives. Your body is not an independent element which the other person has no interest in. It is in fact a very important element in a healthy sexual relationship so you absolutely have an interest in your partners body. If they do something which they know in advance will be received negatively by you they are overtly or subliminally sending you a clear message. How you react to that message is up to you.

BTW, if I put on a few stone and my wife ceases to find me sexually attractive she can indeed tell me how she feels and if I want to repair the relationship I can decide to get off my ar$e, do some exercise and stop eating takeaways in order to lose the extra weight I temporarily gained. You can't do that with something like a tattoo. It's permanent so once it's done it's a bit late to be having the chat about how your other half feels about it. The time for doing that in a respectful loving relationship is before you get the tattoo not afterwards.

lifeandtimes

Je_suis_Jean wrote: »

Complete BS. As partners you share each others lives. Your body is not an independent element which the other person has no interest in. It is in fact a very important element in a healthy sexual relationship so you absolutely have an interest in your partners body. If they do something which they know in advance will be received negatively by you they are overtly or subliminally sending you a clear message. How you react to that message is up to you.

BTW, if I put on a few stone and my wife ceases to find me sexually attractive she can indeed tell me how she feels and if I want to repair the relationship I can decide to get off my ar$e, do some exercise and stop eating takeaways in order to lose the extra weight I temporarily gained. You can't do that with something like a tattoo. It's permanent so once it's done it's a bit late to be having the chat about how your other half feels about it. The time for doing that in a respectful loving relationship is before you get the tattoo not afterwards.

Ok but if he felt so strong about it then why did he say it was ok....twice? Being busy isn't an excuse, he was able to reply to say it's ok twice but then when she has them he isn't?
Sounds to me like op is just looking for an excuse to end the relationship.

leggo

Je_suis_Jean wrote: »

Complete BS. As partners you share each others lives. Your body is not an independent element which the other person has no interest in. It is in fact a very important element in a healthy sexual relationship so you absolutely have an interest in your partners body. If they do something which they know in advance will be received negatively by you they are overtly or subliminally sending you a clear message. How you react to that message is up to you.

BTW, if I put on a few stone and my wife ceases to find me sexually attractive she can indeed tell me how she feels and if I want to repair the relationship I can decide to get off my ar$e, do some exercise and stop eating takeaways in order to lose the extra weight I temporarily gained. You can't do that with something like a tattoo. It's permanent so once it's done it's a bit late to be having the chat about how your other half feels about it. The time for doing that in a respectful loving relationship is before you get the tattoo not afterwards.

And this is complete BS, in the literal sense, because you're saying one thing while meaning another. You seem to be dancing around wanting to be able to control another person's life. 'Sharing' in this instance means 'do what I want' and 'having an interest' seems to mean 'this is mine to dictate'. Dress it up flowery if you like, it all boils down to the same thing. You've no right to tell someone else what to do. Partners aren't with you because they're looking for someone to tell them what to wear, how to dress, how to keep their bodies etc.

For the third time I'll say it: the only thing you do have a right to decide is if you, as an independent person capable of thinking for yourself, want to still be with this other independent person. That's your option.

54and56

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Ok but if he felt so strong about it then why did he say it was ok....twice? Being busy isn't an excuse, he was able to reply to say it's ok twice but then when she has them he isn't?

Hard to argue with that all right. He could easily have kicked for touch and said, particularly the second time when she went from going looking at tattoo's (which is hard to have an objection to as the end result may be like a lot of window shopping and nothing is purchased) to booking in for one. all he had to say was "I'd really like to discuss this before you go ahead with it, would you mind postponing the appointment until after we discuss it tonight?"

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Sounds to me like op is just looking for an excuse to end the relationship.

Possibly and/or it also sounds to me like the OP's GF is sending him the same signal.

54and56

leggo wrote: »

And this is complete BS, in the literal sense, because you're saying one thing while meaning another. You seem to be dancing around wanting to be able to control another person's life. 'Sharing' in this instance means 'do what I want' and 'having an interest' seems to mean 'this is mine to dictate'. Dress it up flowery if you like, it all boils down to the same thing. You've no right to tell someone else what to do. Partners aren't with you because they're looking for someone to tell them what to wear, how to dress, how to keep their bodies etc.

For the third time I'll say it: the only thing you do have a right to decide is if you, as an independent person capable of thinking for yourself, want to still be with this other independent person. That's your option.

You seem very hurt/angry for some reason. I don't understand why you want to paint what I am saying as some form of bullying. Partnerships are give and take. You combine your lives and willingly give each other the right to have an interest in what the other person does, particularly when it affects them. I respect my wifes preference for me to stay relatively in shape and she respects the fact that I like her to have long rather than short hair. She likes looking good for me and I like to reciprocate. Neither of us feels in any way controlled or pressured. I want to do things that please her or make her happy and vice versa.

Trying to paint such respectful actions as controlling the other person is quite sad really.

Lady is a tramp

You say the wrist one doesn't bother you, just the ankle one. Why not just avoid looking there? Don't make it into a bigger deal than it is.

Say if the two of ye went on to have children, and she ended up with bad stretchmarks all over her tummy. I mean, it wouldn't be visually appealing, but you'd hardly end the relationship over something like that - surely she means more to you than just her physical appearance?

I wouldn't go asking her to get it removed - hardly worth the money when it's in a fairly discreet place and can be easily covered anyways.

Hair of the Dog

I would encourage you to encourage her to get it removed. I don't like tattoos either and some would be a deal breaker for me. Worst are arm tattoos on a woman. Looks disgustingly masculine.

infogiver

Theyaintforme wrote: »

Tattoos are a bit of an irrational deal breaker for me too. I don't know why, but I hate them, and that's probably understating it. It's not something I'm going to change my mind on and is something I would act on. Even back in my dating days the first sight of a tat and I'd be gone, but they weren't as common / prevalent then. I'm just repulsed by them.

Funny thing is that if it ever comes up in conversation I'm the one that's in the wrong. If asked my opinion on a piece of body art I'll give it, eg. What do you think of this? Eh, it's not to my taste, I'm not into tattoos, it's like your saying you are meat eater to a vegan to some people. but i have never offered without being asked. In my opinion each to their own. But with choice come consequences, don't expect everyone to love what you love. Often the thing with these things is the ones that exercise their free choice to be or do something never recognise that others have the choice not to agree with or love the same thing.

So OP, if I were in your shoes I'd be gone, I don't know why but I feel that deeply about it. I would not expect to be understood or even expect them to remove the tat. Each to their own and that's a 2 way street.

It's not so much the tattoo I hate as the mentality behind the thought process in getting a tattoo.
It's like a herd instinct or something, like a herd of cattle heading for the milking parlour in the evening. It's like youve no mind of your own, no independent thought processes, a gang of girls heading in to get "inked" .
"Ohh a butterfly ohh a dolphin ohh something something in sandskrit"
How very original.
It's about as original as having a Tesco Clubcard.

lifeandtimes

Hair of the Dog wrote: »

I would encourage you to encourage her to get it removed. I don't like tattoos either and some would be a deal breaker for me. Worst are arm tattoos on a woman. Looks disgustingly masculine.

"Disgustingly manly"

Sorry I didn't realise the body art of tattooing was gender specific. I better tell all them woman in my office to stop wearing trouser suits as hair of the dog on the internet thinks woman doing things he thinks are manly makes them disgustingly masculine.

Ive already given op my opinion I just needed to say my piece on this comment

lifeandtimes

infogiver wrote: »

It's not so much the tattoo I hate as the mentality behind the thought process in getting a tattoo.
It's like a herd instinct or something, like a herd of cattle heading for the milking parlour in the evening. It's like youve no mind of your own, no independent thought processes, a gang of girls heading in to get "inked" .
"Ohh a butterfly ohh a dolphin ohh something something in sandskrit"
How very original.
It's about as original as having a Tesco Clubcard.

Some woman yes but just a quick Google search of unique tattoos on woman will invalidate that opinion

infogiver

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

You say the wrist one doesn't bother you, just the ankle one. Why not just avoid looking there? Don't make it into a bigger deal than it is.

Say if the two of ye went on to have children, and she ended up with bad stretchmarks all over her tummy. I mean, it wouldn't be visually appealing, but you'd hardly end the relationship over something like that - surely she means more to you than just her physical appearance?

I wouldn't go asking her to get it removed - hardly worth the money when it's in a fairly discreet place and can be easily covered anyways.

Stretch marks are natural. Stretch marks are beautiful actually. An anchor on your arm especially when your not a seafarer means absolutely nothing except that your a slave to the latest fad.

judeboy101

My grandad used to say that tattoos were for "sailors and chinamen" and nothing I've ever seen on a person has dissuaded me from that nugget of wisdom.

con___manx1

One of my exes had a tattoo of a dolphin on her belly button. I made a joke one time when she was eating ice cream that the dolphin would turn into a whale ; )
I didn't like her tattoos either but I would never of said it to her in a million years. She got most of them in her late teens. If I was you op I wouldn't say anything either it's her body and if she like them then it's none of your buisness.

Hair of the Dog

"Disgustingly manly"

Sorry I didn't realise the body art of tattooing was gender specific. I better tell all them woman in my office to stop wearing trouser suits as hair of the dog on the internet thinks woman doing things he thinks are manly makes them disgustingly masculine.

Ive already given op my opinion I just needed to say my piece on this comment"

What's the problem? Tattoos are masculine, they're associated with bikers, sailors, gang bangers etc. I find arm tattoos to be most masculine of all.

Strange that a man not liking masculine features on a woman is upsetting for you. I don't like short hair on young women either because short hair is masculine.

lifeandtimes

Hair of the Dog wrote: »

"Disgustingly manly"

Sorry I didn't realise the body art of tattooing was gender specific. I better tell all them woman in my office to stop wearing trouser suits as hair of the dog on the internet thinks woman doing things he thinks are manly makes them disgustingly masculine.

Ive already given op my opinion I just needed to say my piece on this comment"

What's the problem? Tattoos are masculine, they're associated with bikers, sailors, gang bangers etc. I find arm tattoos to be most masculine of all.

Strange that a man not liking masculine features on a woman is upsetting for you. I don't like short hair on young women either because short hair is masculine.

Im going mod here and ill say i can't reply as we will be steering this off topic.

Ok please refer to my previous post for my opinion and afvice

infogiver

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Some woman yes but just a quick Google search of unique tattoos on woman will invalidate that opinion

And if I Google "unique tattoos" and print out some of the pictures of the designs and take them to my tattoo artist and ask him/her to copy them then their "uniqueness" has died a death.
There's no such thing as a unique tattoo.
I'm sure the first person to get "barbed wire" around their bicep thought that it was going to mark them out as an extra hard hard man who no one would ever mess with.
They didn't realise that every imbecile from Sydney to Paris would do the same.
I think that the OP more has a problem with the lack of maturity and total absence of any kind of independent thought that getting a tattoo demonstrates.
His girlfriend quite literally went into the tattoo parlour because everyone else was going.
I'm with the OP.

professore

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Ok but if he felt so strong about it then why did he say it was ok....twice? Being busy isn't an excusye, he was able to reply to say it's ok twice but then when she has them he isn't?
Sounds to me like op is just looking for an excuse to end the relationship.

She told him she was getting a tiny heart one on her wrist. She came home with a big anchor on her leg. Big difference.

OP, you can like or dislike what you want. So can she. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker. To me your gf sounds very immature and got the anchor tattoo solely as a two fingers to you .. as i cant imagine it has any deep significance to her as it's the most generic tattoo there is.

lifeandtimes

infogiver wrote: »

And if I Google "unique tattoos" and print out some of the pictures of the designs and take them to my tattoo artist and ask him/her to copy them then their "uniqueness" has died a death.
There's no such thing as a unique tattoo.
I'm sure the first person to get "barbed wire" around their bicep thought that it was going to mark them out as an extra hard hard man who no one would ever mess with.
They didn't realise that every imbecile from Sydney to Paris would do the same.
I think that the OP more has a problem with the lack of maturity and total absence of any kind of independent thought that getting a tattoo demonstrates.
His girlfriend quite literally went into the tattoo parlour because everyone else was going.
I'm with the OP.

The aborigines and samoans have been tattooing themselves for 1000s of years, so by that logic no one should get a tattoo again because someone has got a tattoo before or because you ordered a burger i cant order one because it isnt original.
Rubbish argument
People design tattoos and get them done, if someone copies them there's feck all they can do but it will still always be original to them
If op is upset he has no one to blame but himself for saying it was ok twice and the fact she got 2 implies she thought he was ok with the idea as he agreed to her getting them after being against them before or at least didn't put his argument across before she did.

Op if you don't like them break up and find a partner with none and you gf can go find a man who doesn't care what's on her skin but what's on the inside

leggo

professore wrote: »

She told him she was getting a tiny heart one on her wrist. She came home with a big anchor on her leg. Big difference.

OP, you can like or dislike what you want. So can she. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker. To me your gf sounds very immature and got the anchor tattoo solely as a two fingers to you .. as i cant imagine it has any deep significance to her as it's the most generic tattoo there is.

I don't see evidence that she did it as an eff you. I'd say it was more likely it was a fun thing the girls were doing at the time and she didn't think about what her bf would think because most people don't think they're at risk of being dumped over stuff like that.

54and56

leggo wrote: »

.........and she didn't think about what her bf would think

And that is exactly the problem. She knew the op hashed tattoos yet she prioritised a once off short term bit of fun with the girls over how that bit of fun would make her bf feel.

Into it was a selfish, immature and stupid thing to do if she values the op as her bf.

If i was in the op's shoes I'd see this as an early warning of what's to come should they get married etc (do more stupid selfish things) and if I wasn't prepared to live with such behavior I'd move on. Better to dodge a bad situation now than down the road when married with kids, a mortgage etc etc.

leggo

Again that comes with the assumption that her priority should be what her partner wants her to do with herself over what she wants to do...

54and56

leggo wrote: »

Again that comes with the assumption that her priority should be what her partner wants her to do with herself over what she wants to do...

Nope, why do you try to make everything so mutually exclusive?

Should she have at least taken his feelings on the matter (which he had previously expressed a clear opinion on) into consideration? IMHO yes she should. Did she? It appears not.

The op is supposed to be her partner, not a stranger or work colleague with no interest in what she does with her body.

leggo

Again, you're going a passive-aggressive way about it. Like you said 'in my interest' earlier and meant 'do what I say'. If you think something, just say it like, you're anonymous on a web forum.

Maybe she did take his feelings into consideration and decided that doing what she wanted was more important than something that didn't seem to bother him that much considering she consulted him and he gave her the okay.

Do you think if you say you don't like something to your partner that they should absolutely take that as gospel and do what you say, even if they would rather do another thing? That they should respect your will over their own when it comes to their body? Don't dress it up, no flowery language, yes or no?

bee06

Je_suis_Jean wrote: »

Should she have at least taken his feelings on the matter (which he had previously expressed a clear opinion on) into consideration? IMHO yes she should. Did she? It appears not.

Was it really a clear opinion? He told he he didn't like tattoos but then when she said she was getting one he said fine.

lifeandtimes

Je_suis_Jean wrote: »

Should she have at least taken his feelings on the matter (which he had previously expressed a clear opinion on) into consideration? IMHO yes she should. Did she? It appears not

Ehm I'm sorry did you not read the part where op says she texted him...twice, saying it's what she was planning on doing and op say it was ok?

Bambi985

I don't think not liking tattoos and finding them off-putting is any more wrong than say not liking bigger ladies and finding it off-putting if your girlfriend gained weight. We like what we like, that is human nature and every one of us is entitled to those preferences.

The question you need to ask yourself though is are they worth losing the relationship over? I'm not the biggest tattoo fan ever, I'd be raging if my fella went out and got two big tacky celtic symbols plastered all over his biceps, but it'd be too far a stretch for me to break up with him over that because I love him and he's not too easily replaceable in my mind. My love for him is stronger than something that superficial.

I think if you're considering breaking up with her over this, that's your prerogative, but it means the relationship probably isn't strong enough anyway and something was going to come between ye eventually.

54and56

leggo wrote: »

Again, you're going a passive-aggressive way about it. Like you said 'in my interest' earlier and meant 'do what I say'. If you think something, just say it like, you're anonymous on a web forum.

Thanks, I was wondering about that

leggo wrote: »

Maybe she did take his feelings into consideration and decided that doing what she wanted was more important than something that didn't seem to bother him that much considering she consulted him and he gave her the okay.

Maybe she did place more importance on having a bit of fun for a couple of hours with the girls which will indelibly mark her body forever in a way which the OP had previously told her he really didn't like. If so the OP should understand the unambiguous message she is sending him and act accordingly.

leggo wrote: »

Do you think if you say you don't like something to your partner that they should absolutely take that as gospel and do what you say

How do you equate the OP expressing a negative opinion about
tattoo's to his GF with him telling her what to do? I haven't seen a leap like that since the summer Olympic's. :rolleyes:

leggo wrote: »

Do you think if you say you don't like something to your partner that they should absolutely take that as gospel and do what you say take that into consideration, even if they would rather do another thing? That they should respect your will weigh up the hurt they are going to impose on you if they go ahead over their own having a bit of fun with the girls when it comes to their body? Don't dress it up, no flowery language, yes or no?

My answer to the question which reflects the actual circumstances rather than your hyper dramatised and skewed version is "Yes" and if my partner didn't like ear rings or goatee beards on men I know I'd place our relationship above the temporary gratuitousness of personal vanity and not get an ear ring or wear a goatee even though "it's my body" :eek:

That clear enough for you?

54and56

bee06 wrote: »

Was it really a clear opinion? He told he he didn't like tattoos but then when she said she was getting one he said fine.

Already answered - http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=103031766&postcount=23

54and56

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Ehm I'm sorry did you not read the part where op says she texted him...twice, saying it's what she was planning on doing and op say it was ok?

Already answered - http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=103031766&postcount=23

leggo

I've worked with all women the vast majority of my professional life. As a result, I've heard every relationship issue there is during that time. I've heard all of the highs and lows, seen people build happy lives and go through awful, awful break-ups. And I've never once met a single female who's happy when a guy tells them what they want to look like, how they should wear their hair, how they should dress etc.

That's not because I haven't heard women who've had guys who tried to suggest this. When they're with them, they're exasperated and trying to be the person their partner wants them to be, citing other positive qualities as almost excuses for this horribly unattractive, controlling behaviour. Usually you hear about them, though, after the break-up because people...and I'm going to drop a bomb on you here...like to be their own person! It's fun! It's worth giving up any relationship for! In fact, much of many people's self-esteem derives from being their own person and getting liberty over their own basic life decisions. And when they feel like they have to consult their partner on basic life decisions because they're desperately trying to be the person their partner wants them to be (the implication being that the person they want to be, if they have any 'notions' that contradicts that, isn't good enough)? That's suffocating. It typically erodes on their self-confidence until it breaks.

And, another common thread I've found, women typically don't like being with men who dress and groom especially to their liking. It's needy and unattractive to do so, the implication being that you know the person you want to be - if, say, you grew a goatee - isn't good enough. They'd prefer someone who arrives as the finished package. Not someone they have to dress up and customise until they find them attractive.

So while your circumstances may work for you now because you believe you share your current beliefs with your partner (and maybe you do for now), I wonder if she feels the same. And god help you if something comes up that she wants to do that you don't like, e.g. dying her hair a certain colour. Because, in every case of that I've ever seen, the man will win a couple of battles but won't win the war on that one and will either give in or be left staring at the lights wondering what went wrong with all of their notions about 'partnership' (i.e. do what I like) gone down the drain because nobody, not a single person on this planet, wants to give up their free will to customise themselves for your liking. You're just one man, at the end of the day, what you offer isn't worth that because that's asking too much of anyone. There'll always be someone better than you out there who will just accept your partner for who she is. And any belief you have that that isn't the case is just delusion mixed with ego.

54and56

leggo wrote: »

I've worked with all women the vast majority of my professional life. As a result, I've heard every relationship issue there is during that time. I've heard all of the highs and lows, seen people build happy lives and go through awful, awful break-ups. And I've never once met a single female who's happy when a guy tells them what they want to look like, how they should wear their hair, how they should dress etc.

Nor should they. No one should tell anyone what they have to look like or wear. Thankfully the OP didn't do that so whilst your little ramble there provides an interesting context for where your opinions are being formed it is, in this instance, irrelevant. (No doubt you will try to imply the OP was somehow passive aggressive telling her what she could and couldn't do by expressing his opinion on tattoo's.)

leggo wrote: »

That's not because I haven't heard women who've had guys who tried to suggest this. When they're with them, they're exasperated and trying to be the person their partner wants them to be, citing other positive qualities as almost excuses for this horribly unattractive, controlling behaviour.

Again not relevant to the OP's situation but carry on, you seem to be hell bent on attributing this sort of behaviour to him.

leggo wrote: »

Usually you hear about them, though, after the break-up because people...and I'm going to drop a bomb on you here...like to be their own person! It's fun! It's worth giving up any relationship for!

And that in a nutshell is exactly what she's doing. If you want to be your own person exclusively without taking your partners feelings into consideration then you're better off not being in a partnership at all which may well be how this ends up.

leggo wrote: »

when they feel like they have to consult their partner on basic life decisions

Sure, having a bit of fun with the girls which results in the GF getting a permanent tattoo is a perfect example of a "basic life decision", it's right up there with what do I want to study, what sort of career do I want to have, would I like to have children, do I want to get married etc.

leggo wrote: »

And, another common thread I've found, women typically don't like being with men who dress and groom especially to their liking. It's needy and unattractive to do so, the implication being that you know the person you want to be - if, say, you grew a goatee - isn't good enough. They'd prefer someone who arrives as the finished package. Not someone they have to dress up and customise until they find them attractive.

So while your circumstances may work for you now because you believe you share your current beliefs with your partner (and maybe you do for now), I wonder if she feels the same. And god help you if something comes up that she wants to do that you don't like, e.g. dying her hair a certain colour. Because, in every case of that I've ever seen, the man will win a couple of battles but won't win the war on that one and will either give in or be left staring at the lights wondering what went wrong with all of their notions about 'partnership' (i.e. do what I like) gone down the drain because nobody, not a single person on this planet, wants to give up their free will to customise themselves for your liking. You're just one man, at the end of the day, what you offer isn't worth that because that's asking too much of anyone. There'll always be someone better than you out there who will just accept your partner for who she is. And any belief you have that that isn't the case is just delusion mixed with ego.

You're a hoot. You've managed to take the op not liking tattoo's and stretch it to him telling his GF how she has to customise herself for his gratification. Well done.

I know I'm just a man and thank you for raising doubts about my own relationship. Like everyone we have ups and downs, there's give and take and in general it's good. It's been good for over 30 years so you might be right, she may be unhappy and just about to leave because I expressed (not long after I met her) how I preferred her to wear long rather than short hair which she has done (to varying degrees and via various colours and perm's) as long as we've been together and I don't think she's going to leave any time soon over it but then I don't have your infallible insight into how the human mind works.

lifeandtimes

Je_suis_Jean wrote: »

because I expressed (not long after I met her) how I preferred her to wear long rather than short hair which she has done (to varying degrees and via various colours and perm's) as long as we've been together and I don't think she's going to leave any time soon over it

Yes you told her what you preferred but it's her hair to do what she wish, what if she wanted to wear short hair or required it for some reason (maybe she's an actress and her role requires it) wpuld you then find it a deal breaker and break up with her?

To be honest each to their own but from your posts you do seem very controlling of your partners appearance and want to glam it up as "this is what people.in relationships do) I'm in a relationship and wouldn't dream of telling my gf how I would prefer her to wear her hair, she may ask my opinion but ultimately I tell her she'll look amazing anyway she has it, same with tattoos if she got one she liked I'd be supportive of it regardless if I liked it or not