Mothers day dilemma/financial matter - pressure

LegacyUser

I live at home with my mother and brother.

I don't get paid a lot in my work and I'm finding things increasingly difficult. My account is over drawn and I'm finding it hard to correct that. From time to time I manage to get it low, then and another bill comes in that has me dipping in.

I'm working out some finances for the week ahead. The ESB came in during the week. Although there is three of us living here, it's only split two ways between myself and my mam. Any time I try to mention this, she says he can't afford it, etc and excuses are rolling from him. I just don't believe this. He's getting paid more than me. How can he not afford this? Like the ESB was 190 euro. Between the two of us it's 90 euro. If it's shared between 3, it would be around 60 euro which would be a huge help for me.

Now mother's day is tomorrow and I'm considering getting a voucher. Was thinking about a 50 euro voucher but this will be hard. Even consider information 30 euro and I'm sinking deeper and deeper into the overdraft. I just can't manage all of this. Would it be bad of me to ignore mother's day and let it pass? I know my brother all too well. He went away today and he probably won't be back til tomorrow night and let the day pass too.

Tokyo

Well the pressing issue seems to be Mothers Day tomorrow, so have you considered dong something cheaper and more personal than a 50 euro voucher? The old saying, "it's the thought that counts" carries a lot of weight behind it, and there are plenty of options that you can use to show your appreciation, without breaking the bank. For example, a card and a bunch of flowers is an option, or cooking a decent meal while your mother gets to put her feet up for the day is another. the sentiment is far more important than the dollar value, and it's certainly an awful lot better than your suggestion of ignoring it and hoping nobody brings it up.

The bigger issue of your brother's attitude needs to be addressed though - it seems quite unfair that you and your mother are carrying the can for the household bills, and your mother is seemingly letting him walk over her. How does he manage with other expenses? Does he eat at home for free too? Phone? Internet? A sit-down and working out an amount for him to contribute to the household kitty is long overdue in my opinion...

Call me Al

I think you need to explain that you cant afford it either.
You need to be blunt about this. You're subsidising your brother when you cant afford to either and your mum is asking you to do so.
Is it for the sake of keeping the peace? What will happen if you only pony up €60 for this esb bill?

LegacyUser

I tried a few a few times taking the matter up with mam. Not in a non-confrontial manner or giving out to her or not in a sarcastic way. Just saying things like it is. It's just not working here. My mam pitys my brother or something. Classic case of Irish mammy. She's long separated from my dad and he is gone. She feels we need a man in the house. I don't think my brother will take too kindly to chipping in for bills and my mam doesn't want him to leave the house. I think this is it. His social life is more important here. Mam buys his groceries. His phone and his internet is his own on the mobile device.

This isn't a case of me getting paid and spending inappropriately. I'm not getting paid properly and I find whatever I get goes out again just as quick. I'm looking ahead into April and I honest to god don't know how I'm going to manage things here. TV licence is due and it will be expected that I pay. There are pet/medicine bills on me. Bins on me. An oil bill coming up, I'm guessing in May. Not even 50 euro will be expected of my brother in any of this. He's getting paid more than me. Of course he can pay it. I break my back but I do it but I'm in trouble too here. I'm also dating and this I'm finding costly too. Nothing too expensive here. We rein it in here.

I have some hobbies and have some card making supplies so I think I will make her a card and rise early in the morning and pull some daffodils.

Koptain Liverpool

Since when is the choice between 50 euro or nothing?

I'm sure she would be happy with a simple card and box of chocolates or flowers?

Tokyo

Anon.Broke wrote: »

I tried a few a few times taking the matter up with mam.

Why aren't you bringing it up with him? After all, you're the one who's carrying his water for him. That earns you the right to ask why.

Next bill that comes in, hand it to him, with your third of the payment, and tell him to sort out the rest. Because as much as you say it's your responsibility, it also sounds like you are taking a lot of the responsibility upon yourself, rather than simply confronting the issue.

fineso.mom

OP, the situation with bills sounds really unfair. I Ihave two sons living at home, one is working and gives me some money towards his keep every week. The other is still in school but once he's working I'd expect him to contribute too. I can't understand how your mother can treat you so differently. I'd agree with the other posters, just give one third when the bills come in. there doesn't need to be drama. Just say," there's three of here, I can't afford to subsidise Jimmy, I'm happy to pay my share but no more than that".
As regards mother's day....the best present I got was the house cleaned top to bottom and not having to lift a finger all day. cost...zero euros.

Call me Al

You're being pushed into a mammy role by your mum here. Totally unfair of her. You're going to have to trash this out with him if your mother isn't playing ball, but really I think you should be blunt with your mum too. She isnt being fair.

You're taking too much on your shoulders. Your brother is taking advantage of both of you and your payslip and your mum is letting him do so.

D0NNELLY

Sounds like it would be cheaper and better for ye all in the long run if you move out and rent a room with people your own age. You're too​ young to be a breadwinner for 3.

As far as mother's day goes, €8 bottle of wine and a card.

December2012

Could you just pay 1/3 of the bills? If she doesn't want your brother to pay his way that's one thing, but to expect you to subsidize it is wrong.

Re tomorrow, just do what you can afford.

Airyfairy12

Cant you just buy her a box of chocolates or some flowers? theres no need to spend 50 euro

freshpopcorn

To me it's your mother house and she's the boss. If your not happy with that you find somewhere else to live.
I'm not defending your brother but he might have issues going on that you don't know about. I know over the years for myself and my siblings we'd tell out mother stuff and she'd keep it to herself.
I'd suggest talking to her about you contributing less every month if it's a struggle to you.
There's no need to speed 50 euro on a voucher. A card and chocolates or flowers will do.

SouthernBelle

With regard to tomorrow, a trip to Aldi will get you flowers and chocolates for a tenner. If you can cook, you'd get two striploin steaks for around €6, or a small chicken for €4, a bag of spuds for €2 and a bag of frozen mixed veg for €1. You could even do starter and dessert - a can of soup and a pack of par baked rolls would cost around €1.50 and there's a variety of frozen desserts for a few euro. So for €25, you could really treat your mum.

I'd love it if my kids cooked for me.

Cupcake_Crisis

Get up early and make her brekkie, scrub the house, do any odd jobs she's been putting off, make a fuss of her. If you want to spend a few bob send her to the hairdressers for a blow dry, will run you about €20.

But then next week you need to sit down with your employer and talk about your payment issues, or maybe even look for another job.

Then I'd sit your mam down and explain that you're struggling financially and that if your brother doesn't start pulling his weight you might have to look for somewhere else to live.

coolcat63

Is this the same mother and brother who refused to pay the vets bills?

coolcat63

Is this the same mother and brother who refused to pay the vets bills?

.......

This post has been deleted.

BetsyEllen

Sorry OP but you need to cop on.

You're being taken for a ride here by both your Brother and your employer.

You're an adult - time to sort yourself out.

If you're not being paid properly, find another job.
Start looking today, right this second. Take anything you can - even if it's not what you want, it will tide you over whilst you keep looking for something that you'd like to do.

And just stop handing over half the bills. Your Mother doesn't have access to your bank account I assume so she can only receive what you give.
It might not go down too well but I doubt she'll be throwing you out as she'll be paying 100% then!

Get the job situation sorted ASAP and move into a house share.
This is the 2nd time you've posted about the unfair financial situation living with her so just get out and look after yourself.

SarahMollie

OP I think many have posted sensibly on the subject of your brother and how to deal with that.

However, on mothers day and all other gift giving ocasions, it strikes me that often those who can least afford it put themselves under the most pressure. Where did the figure of €50 come from? I have a solid job and thankfully don't need to keep that close an eye on my spending, but I spent €22 on Mothers Day, as its just not a big thing in our house, and we're not in the habit of going OTT for presents. I spent €3.50 on a nice card because my mam likes a good card, and €18.50 on a box of good quality Belgian chocolates where I could pick the individual chocolates so I could choose flavors I know she likes. She was happy out.

Stop putting yourself under further pressure.

LynnGrace

Anon.Broke wrote: »

I tried a few a few times taking the matter up with mam. Not in a non-confrontial manner or giving out to her or not in a sarcastic way. Just saying things like it is. It's just not working here. My mam pitys my brother or something. Classic case of Irish mammy. She's long separated from my dad and he is gone. She feels we need a man in the house. I don't think my brother will take too kindly to chipping in for bills and my mam doesn't want him to leave the house. I think this is it. His social life is more important here. Mam buys his groceries. His phone and his internet is his own on the mobile device.

I have some hobbies and have some card making supplies so I think I will make her a card and rise early in the morning and pull some daffodils.

I would say she may rest easy on that score. Where else would he get the very favourable set up that he has at home, all bills paid without him having to contribute a red cent.

I hope that yesterday worked out well. Long term though, it sounds like you would be far better off out of there.

.......

This post has been deleted.

silverharp

Anon.Broke wrote: »

I tried a few a few times taking the matter up with mam. Not in a non-confrontial manner or giving out to her or not in a sarcastic way. Just saying things like it is. It's just not working here. My mam pitys my brother or something. Classic case of Irish mammy. She's long separated from my dad and he is gone. She feels we need a man in the house. I don't think my brother will take too kindly to chipping in for bills and my mam doesn't want him to leave the house. I think this is it. His social life is more important here. Mam buys his groceries. His phone and his internet is his own on the mobile device.

This isn't a case of me getting paid and spending inappropriately. I'm not getting paid properly and I find whatever I get goes out again just as quick. I'm looking ahead into April and I honest to god don't know how I'm going to manage things here. TV licence is due and it will be expected that I pay. There are pet/medicine bills on me. Bins on me. An oil bill coming up, I'm guessing in May. Not even 50 euro will be expected of my brother in any of this. He's getting paid more than me. Of course he can pay it. I break my back but I do it but I'm in trouble too here. I'm also dating and this I'm finding costly too. Nothing too expensive here. We rein it in here.

I have some hobbies and have some card making supplies so I think I will make her a card and rise early in the morning and pull some daffodils.

your mother quite frankly is an irresponsible parent , she is allowing your son to coast and avoid responsibilities. There will probably be a thread up here in the future with an OP complaining that her boyfriend (your brother) is always broke has no savings and cant trust that he will be a reliable father......

kylith

OP, have you said it to your mother in so many words that your account is overdrawn, you owe the bank money and are falling further down the hole and you will soon be drowning in debt and cannot afford to carry your brother any longer? Have you told her that your brother earns more than you do?

I also agree that moving out and finding a more affordable house share would be a good idea.

Big Bag of Chips

You might think you can't afford to move out, but clearly you can't afford to stay at home either? You need to change your situation, and unfortunately it looks like nobody is going to change it for you. So either you ask your brother to pay his share, or, you leave the bill on the counter with your 1/3 share on it, or you find someway of moving out. It sounds like you also need to look for a better job too. Start that immediately and start getting your finances in order. Otherwise it will never end for you.

freshpopcorn

If I remember correctly and this is the same poster from before. They've being given all the advice before but seem resistance to change!

nikkibikki

OP, contribute no more than one third of bills etc going forward. If your mother thinks that your brother can't afford his portion, then it's up to her to subsidise him and not you. Stand up for yourself. And even considering spending €50 when u can't afford it is madness. My poor mother just got a card, that's all she wanted. And time with us. I got a lovely card and a bunch of flowers from Aldi and dinner cooked for us, that's all I want!