Being sensitive to a persons gender

sullivlo

I'm not sure if this is the correct place, mods feel free to move.

I'm in a pickle and I don't want to offend anyone. Hence the thread.

I have a friend who I have known for years. We played sports together. I have always known this friend as Mary* and as female.

Recently Mary disclosed to us that they now identify as male, that they want to be called John*, and are actively seeking reassignment surgery. I haven't personally seen John, however through mutual friends I have seen pictures and John has a new active Facebook page.

I'm very happy for John as he seems to be genuinely happy.

Here's where it gets confusing. Mary is still active on Facebook. Mary still posts and refers to life as a female. Situations where there was a very definite use of female pronouns (I'm an aunt, etc). It's not a case of family not knowing- the family members are all aware of the transition.

The issue is a friends upcoming wedding which will be attended by my friend. I'm not sure how to address my friend without causing offence or coming across as insensitive.

Anyone any ideas how I could approach this?

Tokyo

sullivlo wrote: »

Here's where it gets confusing. Mary is still active on Facebook. Mary still posts and refers to life as a female. Situations where there was a very definite use of female pronouns (I'm an aunt, etc). It's not a case of family not knowing- the family members are all aware of the transition.

While family and close friends might know, is it possible that your friend is maintaining their past in this light, so as to have the opportunity to tell not-so-close friends or colleagues this in person, rather than people finding out on Facebook??

sullivlo wrote: »

Anyone any ideas how I could approach this?

Please don't take my answer as being trite, but if John is somebody you have known for years, and who is close enough to you to share their news with you, then the easiest solution is to simply ask them.

My own personal instincts would be that if a friend disclosed to me that they identify as being male, I would refer to them using male pronouns, but if you want to be sure, then asking John the next time you meet up will clear up any doubts. I can't imagine the question being misinterpreted as being insulting - if anything, you are showing yourself to be sensitive to, and accepting of John's identity choice.

Loveinapril

Ask ask ask.

I work with a transgender person and it is a huge learning curve for them too. Being honest and open about your confusion is okay, and I am sure your friend will appreciate your willingness to be appropriate with him. It can often transition through stages (appearance, pronouns etc.) so the easiest way to stay on top of things is to talk about it.

seamus

Yeah it's most likely that he doesn't want to fully "out" himself on the old Facebook page which will have tonnes of people he's not ready to deal with yet; co-workers, casual friends, extended or elderly family etc.

He still wants a relationship with these people even if he has to pretend to be Mary to do it.

I would ring him and ask if you don't have the opportunity to see him otherwise. For the sake of not accidentally outing him to the wrong people, if nothing else.

sullivlo

Thanks - I figured that asking would be the best option but I didn't want to be insensitive if it was going to cause offence. I understand that it's all new for John too, so I'm just trying to make it as easy as possible for John to be comfortable at the wedding.

I don't think that there would be an issue in just asking. If you are as close to them as it seems, then they should have no issue with asking. I mean, they've trusted you enough to tell you this piece of information, so they shouldn't feel offended by it. And I don't think it's insensitive to ask. I will never understand what people that are in their position go through, but I do believe there's a difference between ignorance and not being capable of understanding.

Also, from discussions with other transgendered people, by understanding is that this is going to be an extraordinarily tough time in their lives, so it might be the time that they need some support.

sullivlo

sullivlo wrote: »

Thanks - I figured that asking would be the best option but I didn't want to be insensitive if it was going to cause offence. I understand that it's all new for John too, so I'm just trying to make it as easy as possible for John to be comfortable at the wedding.

Send him a message congratulating him on his news, and ask how he prefers to be addressed and referred to, then wish him the best in his journey. I really doubt he'd have a problem with any of that, as it's completely driven by consideration.

You're a good friend for even being concerned, and he'll know that.

JackTaylorFan

sullivlo wrote: »

I'm not sure if this is the correct place, mods feel free to move.

I'm in a pickle and I don't want to offend anyone. Hence the thread.

I have a friend who I have known for years. We played sports together. I have always known this friend as Mary* and as female.

Recently Mary disclosed to us that they now identify as male, that they want to be called John*, and are actively seeking reassignment surgery. I haven't personally seen John, however through mutual friends I have seen pictures and John has a new active Facebook page.

I'm very happy for John as he seems to be genuinely happy.

Here's where it gets confusing. Mary is still active on Facebook. Mary still posts and refers to life as a female. Situations where there was a very definite use of female pronouns (I'm an aunt, etc). It's not a case of family not knowing- the family members are all aware of the transition.

The issue is a friends upcoming wedding which will be attended by my friend. I'm not sure how to address my friend without causing offence or coming across as insensitive.

Anyone any ideas how I could approach this?

Hi OP, I'm a transwoman, and to be honest, if Mary is still posting as Mary on FB, I would have a big problem calling her John too. Not sure what else to say. Quite frankly, the story doesn't add up.

sullivlo

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Hi OP, I'm a transwoman, and to be honest, if Mary is still posting as Mary on FB, I would have a big problem calling her John too. Not sure what else to say. Quite frankly, the story doesn't add up.

Would you like to see screenshots of the two posts? :rolleyes:

My concern is being sensitive to Johns situation. I'm thankful for your input, but in my opinion you're being a little insensitive of Johns feelings. Surely you have been through the same process/thoughts/feelings as John, I would have thought that you would empathise more with his situation.

Thanks everyone for your messages. I sent John a text last night and got chatting. I referenced the FB post (from Mary) and said that I hope I wasn't being insensitive by asking but how should we address him in social situations. He appreciated my openness and said it was essentially as mentioned above: there are people in his extended social circle that don't yet know that he has transitioned and he wants to wait and tell them in person/personally rather than just adding them as John.

Then I slagged him over a particular shirt he was wearing in one of the photos and offered my services as a personal shopper.

JackTaylorFan

sullivlo wrote: »

Would you like to see screenshots of the two posts? :rolleyes:

My concern is being sensitive to Johns situation. I'm thankful for your input, but in my opinion you're being a little insensitive of Johns feelings. Surely you have been through the same process/thoughts/feelings as John, I would have thought that you would empathise more with his situation.

Thanks everyone for your messages. I sent John a text last night and got chatting. I referenced the FB post (from Mary) and said that I hope I wasn't being insensitive by asking but how should we address him in social situations. He appreciated my openness and said it was essentially as mentioned above: there are people in his extended social circle that don't yet know that he has transitioned and he wants to wait and tell them in person/personally rather than just adding them as John.

Then I slagged him over a particular shirt he was wearing in one of the photos and offered my services as a personal shopper.

No, not really. I never lived a double life. It just confuses the crap out of cis people - and the majority are already confused as hell to begin with. It's difficult enough trying to get people to accept you as your true gender without all that 2nd FB life stuff.

Fair enough, though. If John wants to do it that way, best of luck to him. But he shouldn't be surprised people get it wrong, a lot! Especially if still presenting as female.

Edit: And by "presenting" I mean appearing as and using the pronouns associated with the other gender - in any situation, including online.