Muslim girlfriend wants me to convert to Islam

LegacyUser

So I've been with this Muslim girl for just over 3 years. We're pretty serious and you wouldn't really know she's Muslim. She doesn't wear the scarf or anything, she's not Arab, just a regular girl.

The only problem is the relationship has been stuck at the same place for a while. I haven't met her parents yet because I'm not Muslim. She has been keeping me a secret. I thought after a year or so she'd eventually realise that were serious and introduce me anyway. But she's adamant that i have to convert to Islam first. Her parents just won't allow it otherwise.

This also applies to marriage of course and having kids.

I love her but i think i need to break up with her. I don't have a religion at all and definitely can't see myself being a Muslim. I asked her if i could just be a fake Muslim, like sign something to make her parents happy. But then she started talking about kids. Her parents will expect the kids to be brought up Muslims. There'll be no drink allowed at the wedding. I won't be able to eat from my fave restaurants anymore unless they're halal etc. I won't be allowed enjoy a glass of wine with some steak. This is just a whole new lifestyle I'm not able to take on.

The pressure from parents, uncles aunties etc in Muslim families is massive and i don't think I'll be able to handle a life of it. I also can't imagine a life without her so I'm totally stuck. She's 29 and I'm 31. It's a unique enoufh situation so I don't expect anybody to be able to offer advice from experience, but still any advice is welcome. Basically, what would you do?

Tokyo

Hey OP,

I live overseas, in a community with a high muslim population, so I see this situation quite often with interfaith relationships here.

As you're no doubt aware, Islam puts forth restrictions as to who a Muslim woman can be in a relationship with or marry, and the reality is, it can be (and often is) a huge barrier in relationships with men of other faiths. The lesser issues can be worked out, or worked around (personally, I cook halal meals by default now, and don't drink alcohol around my muslim friends), but the issue of satisfying the tenets of her religious beliefs put you at far more of an impasse - you are definitely between a rock and a very hard place.

It really comes down to how devout your girlfriend is (and to an extent, how devout her family is), and how willing she is to go against her parents wishes and religious beliefs. And after three years, it's time for a very honest conversation with her. From the sounds of what you say, you have no intention of adopting her religion - whatever conversations you've had in the past, you need to make this crystal clear to her. She also needs to be honest with you as to whether she can accept a future with somebody who doesn't share her faith, whether she would accept having children that may not share her faith (under shariah law, children take on the religion of the father by default), and whether she's willing to suffer the potential repurcussions from her family if she does continue her relationship with you - I've personally ended a relationship in the past because the girl's family threatened to ostracise her, and I've seen it happen on a few occasions before.

If she can accept all of this, then you have a chance, but it's not going to be easy. If not, then you are both very much at an impasse, and in my experience, they only end one way. But it's time to be honest, and pick a path, one way or the other. I wish you luck with it.

silverharp

I get the impression that your girlfriend wouldn't force you to be devout and plenty of muslims drink anyway but you would have to put up a façade around her family etc. the raising of kids would be the thing that would bug me, if your kids have to go to a muslim version of a sunday school how do you know what they are being taught? plus your kids would be kind of outsiders and there can be pressure on them to be "more Muslim than the muslims"
Also her family might be quite interfering and take a special interest in their grandkids and they might never see you as being a "real muslim" , could be a lifelong head wreck.

magneticimpulse

The man carries the Muslim religion through the family - hence why you would he required to convert and bring your kids up as Muslim.

It's not like being an A la carte catholic. My housemate had her British passport taken from her British parents in Pakistan and forced to have an arranged marriage with a guy she never met before. He moved to the UK and they hated each other. She lived her life as what seemed normal to western culture but was forced to follow through on arrange marriages etc and carry the Muslim religion and beliefs and cover up.

baby and crumble

In some ways this is no different from my parents in the 70's. Mam was protestant, dad was Catholic. Huge pressure on my Mam to convert to Catholicism, raise the kids Catholic etc. Not from Dad, but from the local priest and some of the family (not the parents, thankfully).

Dad wanted no part of it so he converted to Church of Ireland, but the local priest were NOT happy about it and badmouthed Dad and us all over the (small country) town. Some of my Uncles refused to set foot in the Church for our christenings and confirmations because we weren't being raised Catholic.

I know it's not exactly the same, but I guess this is the more modern version for Ireland. Luckily Mam and Dad were on the same page and Dad was happy to convert and raise his kids Protestant but he did get a huge amount of flak for it, and tbh I think it impacted on him getting jobs etc when we were young. Can't prove it of course, but the local priest had an awful lot of influence back then...

Actually my brother had the same experience as you, although his now wife is Seikh so it's not as intense a religion, but she still kept him quiet for 4 or 5 years. It's all good now, but there was a year or so of tiptoeing around the family. I think they were just glad that their youngest had actually gotten into a relationship with a man rather than focus entirely on her caree/ being a lesbian so in the end it was the lesser of two evils! :pac:

All I can say is someone will have to "break" as it were, and go against either their own wishes, or their families, for you to stay together. That puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. You need to decide if that's something you can live with.

zoobizoo

Forget for a moment that it's anything to do with religion and that she told you
- no more drinking
- no more eating in those restaurants
-we need to bring the kids up the way my parents say
-you have to be someone and something you're not
-you have to change yourself fundamentally to be with me

..... Because my parents say so....and their opinion means more to me than you.

What would you say to her?

tara73

it sounds like the nightmare life awaiting you. I think you need to break up with her, there's no other way.

Maximus Alexander

Plenty of people would be put off a potential partner because, for example, one of them is really into art and history, while the other prefers sports and motorbikes. In this case you're being asked to adopt an entire belief system and conform to a whole other culture, with your future children following suit.

To be honest, it sounds to me like the two of you just aren't that compatible long term and instead of turning your entire life on it's head you might be better off getting back out there and finding someone whose outlook is better aligned with yours. And indeed the same goes for her!

I can only tell you there's no way I'd be living a lie for anyone. It can't be worth it, or good for either of you.

frostyjacks

Given what's going on in the world right now, I would be really uncomfortable raising my children into their faith. If she truly loves you she can still legally marry you. She can keep her faith, and when the kids are old enough they can decide if they want to join her religion. Wouldn't pay any heed to what her family think. Do they even live here?

tara73

came to my mind, before you just break up with her and feel bad about it and yourself, did you ever think this way, to reverse it:
I would tell her you will never ever convert to Islam and if there'll be children they will never ever be raised as muslims and her parents don't have any say in anything or need to interfere with your marrigae or kids.

She sets you an ultimatum, set her an ultimatum too. See what she has to say. I'm pretty sure what it is.

I know you love this girl and you are emotionally involved and you probably can't and don't want to be that harsh, but as an outsider of this situation, I'm actually sick of the muslim mentality, showing no tolerance when it comes to an intercultural marriage, putting their 'religion' above everything else and demanding the other culture to adapt completely to theirs.

I mean, the question has to be asked, does she really loves you? To demand all this things from you, kind of giving up your culture, your pleasures and habits (alcohol, meat etc.) and probably many of your very own values, that's just unbelievable.
That has nothing to do with love, from my viewpoint.

baby and crumble

tara73 wrote: »

I'm actually sick of the muslim mentality, showing no tolerance when it comes to an intercultural marriage, putting their 'religion' above everything else and demanding the other culture to adapt completely to theirs.
.

As opposed to Ireland's staunch Catholics who until very very recently would force the non- Catholic partner to raise any children of a "mixed marriage" in the Catholic faith. Who still frown upon eating meat on Black Fast days, and who still require couples of different faiths to undergo specific "mixed marriage" courses prior to getting married?

Compared to the Protestant families I know who had issues with their kids married not marrying "one of our own"?

It's amazing the short memories Irish people have.

Jurgen Klopp

Whatever about drink and that.

What's her views on you or future childern if a relative or friend is gay? Also if you have a daughter will she demand an arranged marriage if the family pressure it for a granddaughter?

topmanamillion

I think you know the answer to this already OP. Its just not compatible with the lifestyle you want.

zoobizoo

tara73 wrote: »

I'm actually sick of the muslim mentality, showing no tolerance when it comes to an intercultural marriage, putting their 'religion' above everything else and demanding the other culture to adapt completely to theirs.

Wow.... that's one sweeping generalisation. There would be Jews, Christians and Hindus of the same mindset.

But that's not what this thread is about.

judeboy101

If she's OK with you having a couple of wives and her waiting on your every whim for the rest of your life I'd go for it.

tara73

baby and crumble wrote: »

As opposed to Ireland's staunch Catholics who until very very recently would force the non- Catholic partner to raise any children of a "mixed marriage" in the Catholic faith. Who still frown upon eating meat on Black Fast days, and who still require couples of different faiths to undergo specific "mixed marriage" courses prior to getting married?

Compared to the Protestant families I know who had issues with their kids married not marrying "one of our own"?

It's amazing the short memories Irish people have.

yes, and? what's the point? just because the irish were comparable to the muslim habits from your point of view, does it mean the OP has to pay the guilt for it and live a life of misery because the irish were maybe someday similar? sorry, nonsense for me.

my advice to the OP is to challenge his girlfriend, show her he's not accepting her demands and that they are completely unreasonable. OP, don't let her off making you feel guilty.

Bambi985

i think this is a lost cause to be perfectly honest.

Unless somehow you manage to change your girlfriend's mind on all this religious stuff (unlikely by the sounds of things) and are OK with her family never accepting you and probably always hating you because you're that outsider that refused to conform to their standards.

they'll never see you as good enough and in turn it will cause problems for your girlfriend's relationship with them.

imme

Lifestyle?
You say OP

Adopting a different religion is a big choice to make imo

I'm not sure if your post is real OP

Can you seriously be considering 'signing up' to being a Muslim by signing something

stargazer 68

Op your Muslim girlfriend is already breaking all the rules - she has a non muslim boyfriend - even a boyfriend! - who drinks and eats non halal meat - where do you go on dates with her?

Does she really think that this will be acceptable to her parents if you convert to Islam?
If this is not a lifestyle you want - and it has to be adopted fully - then it is not for you

Pheggiewillie

durchgang wrote: »

So I've been with this Muslim girl for just over 3 years. We're pretty serious and you wouldn't really know she's Muslim. She doesn't wear the scarf or anything, she's not Arab, just a regular girl.

The only problem is the relationship has been stuck at the same place for a while. I haven't met her parents yet because I'm not Muslim. She has been keeping me a secret. I thought after a year or so she'd eventually realise that were serious and introduce me anyway. But she's adamant that i have to convert to Islam first. Her parents just won't allow it otherwise.

This also applies to marriage of course and having kids.

I love her but i think i need to break up with her. I don't have a religion at all and definitely can't see myself being a Muslim. I asked her if i could just be a fake Muslim, like sign something to make her parents happy. But then she started talking about kids. Her parents will expect the kids to be brought up Muslims. There'll be no drink allowed at the wedding. I won't be able to eat from my fave restaurants anymore unless they're halal etc. I won't be allowed enjoy a glass of wine with some steak. This is just a whole new lifestyle I'm not able to take on.

The pressure from parents, uncles aunties etc in Muslim families is massive and i don't think I'll be able to handle a life of it. I also can't imagine a life without her so I'm totally stuck. She's 29 and I'm 31. It's a unique enoufh situation so I don't expect anybody to be able to offer advice from experience, but still any advice is welcome. Basically, what would you do?

I think you should end the relationship. Its sad but its a serious issue you have here. I have Muslim friends who are not serious Muslims but they tell me about Islam.
Basically, you are not allowed to leave the religion and if you try to, there are serious penalties for leaving. (Research on it)
Muslims who are not so serious with the religion won't be too freaked out about people who leave but from what you have said, her parents are serious about Islam and there will be too much pressure on her, you and the even kids.
Another thing to think about is the fact that you don't believe in the religion and you were not brought up in it. Will your family be happy to hear that you converted to Islam for her? If not then you can't please her family to displease yours.
I know Islam is not a bad religion but if you are not already Islam and you don't want to convert because you love the ideologies and laws, then you will regret pretending to accept it now.
Plus if her parents find out you lied, they can take her away from you. So maybe you should just end it there.

Pheggiewillie

judeboy101 wrote: »

If she's OK with you having a couple of wives and her waiting on your every whim for the rest of your life I'd go for it.

😂😂 actually in Islam, women don't have much rights. Husbands can even beat them if they misbehave to him. They also are allowed to marry plenty wives.
Most Muslim women don't even have the right to choose their husbands. If a man has already discussed with their dad and their dad liked the man, then that is the end. They must marry him.
Its a good thing that things have changed for most of them.

Pheggiewillie

baby and crumble wrote: »

In some ways this is no different from my parents in the 70's. Mam was protestant, dad was Catholic. Huge pressure on my Mam to convert to Catholicism, raise the kids Catholic etc. Not from Dad, but from the local priest and some of the family (not the parents, thankfully).

Dad wanted no part of it so he converted to Church of Ireland, but the local priest were NOT happy about it and badmouthed Dad and us all over the (small country) town. Some of my Uncles refused to set foot in the Church for our christenings and confirmations because we weren't being raised Catholic.

I know it's not exactly the same, but I guess this is the more modern version for Ireland. Luckily Mam and Dad were on the same page and Dad was happy to convert and raise his kids Protestant but he did get a huge amount of flak for it, and tbh I think it impacted on him getting jobs etc when we were young. Can't prove it of course, but the local priest had an awful lot of influence back then...

Actually my brother had the same experience as you, although his now wife is Seikh so it's not as intense a religion, but she still kept him quiet for 4 or 5 years. It's all good now, but there was a year or so of tiptoeing around the family. I think they were just glad that their youngest had actually gotten into a relationship with a man rather than focus entirely on her caree/ being a lesbian so in the end it was the lesser of two evils! :pac:

All I can say is someone will have to "break" as it were, and go against either their own wishes, or their families, for you to stay together. That puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. You need to decide if that's something you can live with.

I like this. However, its should be between the two people not the extended family so that they can support each other when external forces try to get at them as you have mentioned.

MayoSalmon

zoobizoo wrote:

Wow.... that's one sweeping generalisation. There would be Jews, Christians and Hindus of the same mindset.

Except it's not

JackTaylorFan

Sorry, OP, but even considering such a demand is nuts. And yes, it is a demand. Love should never be conditional. I say: run!

triple nipple

Interesting situation. I've been through something similar although not exactly the same.

My advice is to ignore pretty much everything on this thread. The key here is compromise. If she is willing to compromise some things for you and you her, then you're laughing but if not I would break it off.

You need to speak to her and see what she is willing to do. If that goes well then your priority should be to meet her parents.

They may be lovely people and willing to compromise their expectations for their daughter if they like you. She will need to support you in this 100% and you will need to compromise alot.

If you're comfortable with change and living a different way to what you would have imagined for yourself you will have a fantastic relationship, if not then save yourself the heart ache.

Akrasia

If she's not religious and is only doing this for her parents, then just give her the ultimatum. She can choose her future , or she can live in the past.

Talk to her and explain that any parents who would disown their daughter for marrying the wrong person because of religion are not the kind of people who should be pandered to.

If she has backwards beliefs and values then you're better off without her. If she's an enlightened modern woman, then she should at least consider ignoring her parents demands and accepting you for who you are

Neon_Lights

Why can't she become a Catholic?

suicide_circus

Are you prepared to live the rest of your life according to a set of nonsense rules as dictated by your wife's parents AND then raise your kids according to the same nonsense?

suicide_circus

Neon_Lights wrote: »

Why can't she become a Catholic?

Because the penalty for apsotasy is death according to the quran. Yes, his girlfriends parents faith would literally put her to death. Is this a club you wanna join, OP?

imme

triple nipple wrote: »

If you're comfortable with change and living a different way to what you would have imagined for yourself you will have a fantastic relationship, if not then save yourself the heart ache.

?x 5,00000000
Adopting a religious belief that you don't know much about, I'm assuming from his posts that the OP doesn't know much about Islam, isn't a lifestyle choice.

You make it sound like he's going for a change of diet or something!!!

homerjay2005

its a tricky one OP. one of you is going to have to make a sacrifice anyway somewhere.

are her family located in the same country as you are? if you have not yet seen them in 3 years, how do you know you will have anything much to do with them in the next 3 and further on?

i guess what i am saying here, is that if you did change, maybe youd still be able to get on with your life for vast majority of it and only "pretend" to practice the religion if they are around but i guess that would have to be clearly set down with your partner before even agreeing to it. it could also, end horribly if she is 100% committed to your wishes.

freshpopcorn

i don't know what advice to give you to be honest. If I'm being honest you'd need to have a big long chat with her regarding everything in ye're future.
If ye did have a family how would she be regarding raising ye're children regarding religion would her parents want to have an influence on this?

triple nipple

imme wrote:

?x 5,00000000 Adopting a religious belief that you don't know much about, I'm assuming from his posts that the OP doesn't know much about Islam, isn't a lifestyle choice.

imme wrote:

You make it sound like he's going for a change of diet or something!!!

No one said anything about adopting a religion.

Well if he did convert I would imagine he would have a change in diet yes. 😀

imme

triple nipple wrote: »

No one said anything about adopting a religion.

Well if he did convert I would imagine he would have a change in diet yes. 😀

Converting to islam = adopting a religion

This is quite clear to me, not sure how it's a difficult thing to understand

fungun

Her parents just won't allow it otherwise.

The pressure from parents, uncles aunties etc in Muslim families is massive and i don't think I'll be able to handle a life of it.

Totally agree with you. Already she is putting your needs below that of her parents and their beliefs (not even really hers if I understand your post).

options are:
1. She breaks away from her family
2. You put up with this ****e all your life
3. You break up

Id choose 3

triple nipple

imme wrote:

Converting to islam = adopting a religion

imme wrote:

Converting to islam = adopting a religion

Again he may not need to duh. Is everything black and white now?

Dial Hard

triple nipple wrote:

Again he may not need to duh. Is everything black and white now?

The entire point of the thread is that she has asked him to convert. Is that not as black and white as it gets?

triple nipple

Dial Hard wrote:

The entire point of the thread is that she has asked him to convert. Is that not as black and white as it gets?

No.

Tokyo

Mod:

triple nipple - this is an advice forum, not a debate forum. As it stands, your posting standard falls way below what we expect in PI. If you can't post advice towards the OP's issue, then please don't post again. Thank you.

LegacyUser

Hi op...

My brother was in the exact same position you are in now and he converted. But before he did he learned about her religion, learned about Islam. And it's way of life. He made his decision based on them building a life together that way. And not on anyone else's opinions.
I have 2 Muslim nieces and a Muslim nephew and I am so fortunate to have them in my life...Islam is not about multiple wives. And beating wives. Absolutely horrified to read that..

My mom took time to accept their different way of doing things and it takes time. But I am glad he did it. Because we have all grown to more accepting and understanding and I would hate for him to have given it all up for drink or to keep other people happy.
It's a huge decision only you can make. Just giving an example with a positive result. PS my brother is 34 and converted about 8 years ago...and yes her family can be over powering too. But so can any mother in law, irrelevant of religion.
Best of luck

Walter H Price

Run for the Hill's OP , not just because its Islam any religion if your partner expects you to believe in in it will restrict your lifestyle , do you really want to indoctrinate your kids to keep her parents happy ?

Even the fact that your together 3 years and she wont introduce you too her parents still is a major major red flag. I doesn't sound like this is the lifestyle for you and if she really needs you to commit to a lifestyle you wont be happy with you need to be questioning how much she actually loves you at all to be honest.

nadalvettel

Muslims aren't meant to date which is why she's keeping your relationship secret. A Muslim woman should only marry a Muslim man so their kids will be Muslim which is why she requires you to convert before bringing you to her family.

fahrenheit

Hi, I'm in the UK, and I've never posted before, but I found this board dealing with my own struggle.
I'm in the same situation. My gf is Muslim, she doesn't cover, but she prays and observes ramadan. I'm Catholic but I don't practice. Her parents are conservative Arabic Muslims. We've been together 18 months, she only just told them about me and it didn't go well. I've never met them.
She is adamant that we can only be together if I convert, she says 'on paper'. Thing is, it's not on paper. You have to stand up and make a declaration of faith. Saying such a profound thing is not something I can lie about. I love her so much, in every other way, she is perfect, but I just cannot convert to Islam. She says 'it means nothing'. I appreciate her saying that, but it's not true. If it was, she wouldn't need me to do it. I cannot build my, our, future together on a lie. I make this post not to comment on the pros or cons about Islam, it's about me (and you, OP) and what you can live with. I have had to make a decision that I will not, and I will never, convert. Such a fundamental thing can only ever be voluntary, not faked, not imposed, not forced. To her, that means the end. She is now no longer speaking to me, as though I've cheated on her, or betrayed her in some way. She's not being cruel, it's just her way of dealing with it. It's tragic for both of us. I think part of the decision is also kids. How can I be a strong father figure to them if I'm either (from my perspective) lying to them about what they should believe, or running a counter narrative on faith to that of their mother? I can't. It would just be terrible for everyone.
So it looks like it's over. And when you still love each other that's hard, but you've got to do what you need. I don't want to get all deep about it, but listen to your soul mate. If your whole body is screaming at you 'don't do this', then that means something.
Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Walter H Price

fahrenheit wrote: »

Hi, I'm in the UK, and I've never posted before, but I found this board dealing with my own struggle.
I'm in the same situation. My gf is Muslim, she doesn't cover, but she prays and observes ramadan. I'm Catholic but I don't practice. Her parents are conservative Arabic Muslims. We've been together 18 months, she only just told them about me and it didn't go well. I've never met them.
She is adamant that we can only be together if I convert, she says 'on paper'. Thing is, it's not on paper. You have to stand up and make a declaration of faith. Saying such a profound thing is not something I can lie about. I love her so much, in every other way, she is perfect, but I just cannot convert to Islam. She says 'it means nothing'. I appreciate her saying that, but it's not true. If it was, she wouldn't need me to do it. I cannot build my, our, future together on a lie. I make this post not to comment on the pros or cons about Islam, it's about me (and you, OP) and what you can live with. I have had to make a decision that I will not, and I will never, convert. Such a fundamental thing can only ever be voluntary, not faked, not imposed, not forced. To her, that means the end. She is now no longer speaking to me, as though I've cheated on her, or betrayed her in some way. She's not being cruel, it's just her way of dealing with it. It's tragic for both of us. I think part of the decision is also kids. How can I be a strong father figure to them if I'm either (from my perspective) lying to them about what they should believe, or running a counter narrative on faith to that of their mother? I can't. It would just be terrible for everyone.
So it looks like it's over. And when you still love each other that's hard, but you've got to do what you need. I don't want to get all deep about it, but listen to your soul mate. If your whole body is screaming at you 'don't do this', then that means something.
Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Awful situation to be in mate, but your bravery in that post is beyond worthy of respect. The religion thing is never just on paper your either in or your out to be honest as much as i love my fiance , if she turned around and told me i needed to sign up to some bag of bullsh!t moral rules and and raise my kids in a way i openly believe is wrong and damaging i would be making the same call you did.