On-line Dating Experiences As A Transperson

JackTaylorFan

So, I'm interested in hearing from other trans people on here about their experiences on dating sites.

I guess I should start.

Well, I'm female and interested in straight (perhaps bi) men (not men with a fetish for "shemales"), so that immediately presents a problem.

At this point, I have tried a few of the major dating sites - but the majority of them don't really cater to trans people, like, at all (gay and lesbian? in most cases: yes, that's included).
So what to do? Well, I guess you can just make a work-around by awkwardly stating the fact in your profile. Although, there is the very real risk of this very tricky, often heart-wrenching confession being overlooked completely due to that dazzling, mesmerizing, perfectly angled-and filtered selfie that you have uploaded to accompany your witty little introduction piece - or you know, the blank space where you are supposed to write something cute and funny - in which case you have to go back and point out the big emboldened part of your profile, if you can even be bothered to reply at all, that is.

Incidentally: I like to think my "about me" description paints me as only slightly unhinged.

Yeah, Jack, get down with your bad self!

Anyways, where was I?

Yes...

So on most the big sites, you have two options really: a) you can either state your trans somewhere on your profile and by default let it define you as a person to most the people who actually bother to read that far, or b) you know, you can choose to keep it a secret for now - which, in my experience, only leads to a very awkward private conversation a little later down the line - where you may be accused of anything from being a "****** in disguise" to "false advertising", yadda, yadda, yaddda, etc. I tend to go with option "a" these days.

Now, I am aware there are one or two sites that "specialize" in "dating a transsexual" - and I did join one of the more popular "transsexual-lover" sites to see for myself what the deal was... And, yeah... No! Everything about them gave me the creeps. Long story short: I got in an argument with the backward-ass, barely-English-comprehending owner/admin about how derogatory some of the terms they used were to women like me. I think I was fobbed off as overly sensitive, or mental, or something... I don't know for sure - their Pigeon-English was pretty atrocious.
Anyhow, the whole set-up was run like a business where the men (chasers/customers) were charged a monthly fee to use the service, but the women (fetishes/products) were allowed to sign up for free. Seemed odd to me. The whole thing was very off-putting, but I guess if you really are that desperate, you can join up to it.

Now, now. I know, a few of you reading this are thinking at this point: "But Jack, what are you complaining about? You're trans, you should be grateful for any modicum of affection you get from men." - Yeah... No, again, I have standards, and well, chasers are just all kinds of ick!!

So, I returned, and continue to employ the more standard type dating sites aimed primarily at "straight" people. I won't mention any company names on here, but one in particular seems a little more generous with labels (actually, they have too many labels - but that's another debate) and I have managed to get a few dates under my belt using their service. The problem is they have all been with certain types of guys; open-minded guys - if you ask me, a little too open-minded. Basically all these dates have been me lowering my standards to a point I may as well have just thanked them for the coffee at the beginning of the date and walked back out... Sadly, I didn't do that...

So the nearest thing to an enjoyable date went like this: me, being all-so-very-polite - "Please, tell me more about your 'poly' lifestyle. Oh, so you already have two girlfriends on the other side of the country. Uh-huh, is that so... that's so interesting? I'm not lowering my standards at all here, am I?" - whilst silently-screaming-on-the-inside - "Hurry, finish that coffee, Jack. For **** sake! I can't take this bull**** one more minute! But it's hot, Jack. Look, the sooner you finish it, the sooner we can both escape this nightmare of a human being. Let me out!! But it's still hot! Just blow on it, you dumb bitch! Drink the ****ing thing!! Good, now let's go." So basically, I have had more car crashes than dates from these things.

Now, I know, dating sites, in general, are considered horrible experiences, no matter your gender/orientation. And well, I'd prefer to meet people the old fashioned way too, and I know a lot of you (or, you know the one person who made it to the end of this) are now sighing loudly at your monitor - "Shut the ****-up, Jack, nobody cares!" - but I felt like sharing nonetheless.

Yeah... I'm a ridiculous person - but **** it.

So any other transpeople on here - have you tried using dating apps? Have you had any luck?

dozy doctor

Wow... What a long post and it sounds to me like you are a bit whacky, but that is a good thing, right Jack 😀

Unfortunately for me, I am not on the market but of course I have downloaded at one point or another a certain app that swipes left or right, just to see if there are people out there who wanted to become friends etc, as I identify as a cross dresser...

Now there were a few connections with females and CD's and TS but nothing more came from it and tbh it was like pulling teeth trying.g.to get a conversation from them.

Now when I say I identify as a cross dresser that is technically not correct anymore... I have been in touch with my doctor and a clinical psychotherapist about my wanting to try and explorer taking t-blockers. My psychologist is encouraging me to go down this route as I am.a long time deliberating, but my GP does not really know anything about this topic and so will refer me to an endocrinologist to explorer further...

So sorry for not answering your post correctly but I have only tried the one app and no others...

Perhaps we could talk some more through Private Message if you are interested in looking for friendly ear?

N

JackTaylorFan

dozy doctor wrote: »

Perhaps we could talk some more through Private Message if you are interested in looking for friendly ear?

Err... No, I won't be doing that.. It' seems a little predatory of you, to be honest.

And as an aside, no doctor should be encouraging you to start blockers - that seems a little odd - not to mention, unethical.

dozy doctor

JackTaylorFan wrote:

And as an aside, no doctor should be encouraging you to start blockers - that seems a little odd - not to mention, unethical.

Sorry jack... I must not have explained that correctly. I approached my GP who recommended that I speak to a psychologist and go down that route... Which I did... It was my psychologist who said it was something I needed to explore further, not my GP...

JackTaylorFan wrote:

Err... No, I won't be doing that.. It' seems a little predatory of you, to be honest.

Yes you are right... So sorry... I sound like a right creep... I do apologise. I do hope you get some success in finding a suitable partner, but in my humble opinion, there is probably not a better place to meet than in a pub or club, that way you can weed out the creeps like me 😀

JackTaylorFan

dozy doctor wrote: »

Yes you are right... So sorry... I sound like a right creep... I do apologise. I do hope you get some success in finding a suitable partner, but in my humble opinion, there is probably not a better place to meet than in a pub or club, that way you can weed out the creeps like me 😀

Oh, I think I'm pretty good at weeding out the creeps - regardless of where I encounter them - but thanks for your concern.

dozy doctor

You're welcome... Hopefully it all works out as you anticipate... Can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you as trans person looking for love. I do hope you find your King or Queen. 😀

For me it is not so difficult as i may possibly want to explore my identity​ further, and make changes where necessary, but that is a different story.

What i do know is that as well as myself being "trans" I also identify as an Asexual, so for me it has never been about looking for a partner etc. I was simply looking to offer support, empathy and understanding,

I think that was somewhat harsh to refer to me as a predator, as if i came across that way i do apologise, as I am the real deal.

I am an honest, caring and empathic person who was simply looking to make some connections and to offer support as I do understand how difficult it is, unlike a certain portion of the trans community who are angry, offer no support as they are quiet narcissistic and it is all about them.

Take care and best of luck...

JackTaylorFan

dozy doctor wrote: »

You're welcome... Hopefully it all works out as you anticipate... Can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you as trans person looking for love. I do hope you find your King or Queen. 😀

For me it is not so difficult as i may possibly want to explore my identity​ further, and make changes where necessary, but that is a different story.

What i do know is that as well as myself being "trans" I also identify as an Asexual, so for me it has never been about looking for a partner etc. I was simply looking to offer support, empathy and understanding,

I think that was somewhat harsh to refer to me as a predator, as if i came across that way i do apologise, as I am the real deal.

I am an honest, caring and empathic person who was simply looking to make some connections and to offer support as I do understand how difficult it is, unlike a certain portion of the trans community who are angry, offer no support as they are quiet narcissistic and it is all about them.

Take care and best of luck...

Strangely enough, I quite agree on your last point. I have found it to be a very cliquey community. Saying that, you did come on quite strong - soliciting private messages is very suspicious behaviour. Nonetheless, if I have done you a disservice, you have my sincerest apologies.

In regards to your own quest for identity, I wish you well in whichever decision you come to.

Farewell

dozy doctor

JackTaylorFan wrote:

Strangely enough, I quite agree on your last point. I have found it to be a very cliquey community. Saying that, you did come on quite strong - soliciting private messages is very suspicious behaviour. Nonetheless, if I have done you a disservice, you have my sincerest apologies.

Thanks so much and I absolutely agree with you, that I did not come across well, but can assure you that it was coming from a supportive position, rather than anything else. I understand why you would react like that as I would have probably also... Please accept my apologies.

Take care of yourself ðŸ‘

LLMMLL

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Err... No, I won't be doing that.. It' seems a little predatory of you, to be honest

Honestly, you don't come across as great online.

baby and crumble

Guys, let's not get snippy about personalities, ok? That goes both ways.

LLMMLL

Fair enough that was 50% snippy. But constructively, if you view even polite interactions as predatory how are people online meant to interact with you? Basically, if you say you are trans on your profile and a guy messages you, are you going to automatically assume he's a trans chaser and dismiss him. In that case option b might be better for you.

JackTaylorFan

LLMMLL wrote: »

Fair enough that was 50% snippy. But constructively, if you view even polite interactions as predatory how are people online meant to interact with you? Basically, if you say you are trans on your profile and a guy messages you, are you going to automatically assume he's a trans chaser and dismiss him. In that case option b might be better for you.

Lol. No, you were being 100% passive aggressive - but that's fine. You don't like how I interact here. Gotcha

Anyways, to address your assumptions about me and my attitude to the people I meet on forums and dating sites:

First off: The purpose of this thread was me looking to hear the experiences of other transpeople (funny or sad or whatever) whilst using dating sites. I was not looking to make personal connections here, for if I was looking for a support group, I would have straight up asked for one . Also, I'm pretty sure soliciting pms is frowned upon on many forums for the predatory nature that is associated with that behaviour. So for all the above reasons, I rebuffed the offer. Harsh? Maybe. I don't care. Better safe than tied up in a broomcloset.

To your second point: No, I don't automatically assume every guy I meet on regular dating sites is a trans chaser - hence, I have actually been on dates with a couple of them. I have rejected some men on other grounds - i.e. they lacked the same level of intellect or they were "poly" and only mentioned that fact after we met. I also met one or two, that just lacked chemistry. At no point did I presume anything other than what was stated in their profile and our correspondences beforehand.

The fact is: I have rarely encountered out and out chasers outside of sites dedicated to transsexual-issues; like the 'translover" type one I described earlier. And yes, I did go into those sites with an open mind, but was soon dissillusioned by the inherent creepiness of the majority of male members who contaced me there. In fact the nature of chasers is so predatory they are well known to join up to support forums for transwomen - women who are at a very vulnerable time in their life and who are seeking help - and these types of guys do attempt to solicit private messages in the hope of eliciting sone kind of sexual affair. And guess what? Yeah, it all begins in a very similar fashion as the way you witnessed here - it really is that insidious. So, once again, forgive me, for being cautious about it all

Finally, I would just like to add: On normal dating sites, I have struggled with what is the better, fairer approach (not just for me, but for the men involved) - a or b? - as I am sure other women in my position have aa well. There is a sense of shame and guilt (warranted or not) associated to it in many cases, whichever tact you opt for.. And well, your advice on the matter is exceedingly arrogant and downright patronising.

So thanks for that.

Edit: Also, it should be stated that I never asked for anyone's advice on anything here.

J_E

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Edit: Also, it should be stated that I never asked for anyone's advice on anything here.

Huh? That was what the whole thread was about. You're just attacking people, it feels pretty hostile up in here.

JackTaylorFan

J_E wrote: »

Huh? That was what the whole thread was about. You're just attacking people, it feels pretty hostile up in here.

Please, by all means, point out where exactly I asked for advice. Yeah... No, you're ascribimg meaming to my words that's just not there.

Armchair psychologists. Christ, give me strength.

SteoL

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Armchair psychologists. Christ, give me strength.

The irony. Oh, and your posts are nothing but condescending and hostile. Seriously, what on earth is this thread about if people can't comment without getting attacked?

baby and crumble

Jack, the point of the forum is for discussion and advice- if you ask a question (as you did in your opening post) people will answer it and give advice. It may not be the advice you want, but people have taken the time to try and help. Your attitude is pretty dismissive and confrontational, and I'd really just like to nip the antagonistic stuff from all quarters in the bud. Otherwise the thread will need to be locked.

JackTaylorFan

baby and crumble wrote: »

Jack, the point of the forum is for discussion and advice- if you ask a question (as you did in your opening post) people will answer it and give advice. It may not be the advice you want, but people have taken the time to try and help. Your attitude is pretty dismissive and confrontational, and I'd really just like to nip the antagonistic stuff from all quarters in the bud. Otherwise the thread will need to be locked.

Fair enough.


I'm not sure what I expected on Boards when i asked for the experiences of other transpeople on datings sites. it would have been nice to discuss the issues involved with others in my situation, but that obviously isn't going to happen here.

I would just like to make it clear: I did not ask for advice, especially from people who obviously do not understand the challenges and nuances associated with being transgender and seeking love/romance online. I have heard from no one on the issue who could actually relate, and the one bit of passive-aggressive advice (if you can call that advice) I did receive was coming from a place of animosity and complete ignorance on the subject.

I actually don't think there is anything to be gained trying this thread here. So yeah, lock it up.

Thanks.

Rob G

A dating site for trans people would have the obvious drawback of only attracting trans people and 'chasers'.

I'm a cisgender man, and I'd be up for dating a transwoman if there was mutual attraction, but not because they were trans any more than because they had green eyes or because they have red hair. If we dated (speaking hypothetically of course, JTF - I get the feeling I'm a generation older than you) whether I would be up for a second date would depend on what is in your head and your heart, nothing to do with your trans status.

And if we'd met through an online dating site, it would have been a run-of-the-mill, non-specialist site, as they are the only ones I'd visit.

To be honest though, until recently I'd not have been so open minded.

JackTaylorFan

Rob G wrote: »

A dating site for trans people would have the obvious drawback of only attracting trans people and 'chasers'.

I'm a cisgender man, and I'd be up for dating a transwoman if there was mutual attraction, but not because they were trans any more than because they had green eyes or because they have red hair. If we dated (speaking hypothetically of course, JTF - I get the feeling I'm a generation older than you) whether I would be up for a second date would depend on what is in your head and your heart, nothing to do with your trans status.

And if we'd met through an online dating site, it would have been a run-of-the-mill, non-specialist site, as they are the only ones I'd visit.

To be honest though, until recently I'd not have been so open minded.

Well. I'm glad you have had your heart and mind opened to the idea - even if it was in such a challenging way.
I hope for the sake of your daughter - if she does some day seek a partner - that more people are open to the idea of dating transpeople for reasons other than the fetish aspect of it.

As I see it now though, for the majority of cis-people (admittedly, my experience is based mainly on men) there is a social stigma attached to dating a transperson - and I honestly don't think that's going to change any time soon either.

There is also the undeniable biological issue that only someone living in a fantasy land would overlook. I don't know. I think there is only so far you can ask for acceptance on this one.

Anyways, I'm glad to have your input on it - even if I'm regretting having started this thread to begin with. Thanks though.

Rob G

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

There is also the undeniable biological issue that only someone living in a fantasy land would overlook. I don't know. I think there is only so far you can ask for acceptance on this one.

Maybe, but I wouldn't refuse to date a cis-woman who was unable to get intimate because maybe she'd had a cancer down there and the surgery had left her unable. I don't see that as being overly different.

JackTaylorFan

Rob G wrote: »

Maybe, but I wouldn't refuse to date a cis-woman who was unable to get intimate because maybe she'd had a cancer down there and the surgery had left her unable. I don't see that as being overly different.

Yeah, I've heard arguments similar to this on countless occasions and I suppose, removing the social stigma element and the trauma concerned with such an illness as cancer, you can conflate the two. Nonetheless, there is still a lot of people who would balk at the idea faced with these type scenarios - and not just for the superficial reasons associated. For instance: if a person really desires to have biological children with their partner it becomes a complication that may just be too difficult to overcome - and yes, I'm aware there are other options but not everyone wants to adopt, surrogate, etc.

Okay, granted: the issue of raising a family rarely comes up on dating sites, where it usually is that superficial in nature - but in a lot of relationships having kids is a concern in the long run.

I have also been accused of "internalized transphobia" for voicing these opinions in the past - but to me this is just the reality of the situation and to deny that reality is just silly.

Anyways, I think I'm done with this thread, but thank you.

Ron86

baby and crumble wrote: »

Jack, the point of the forum is for discussion and advice- if you ask a question (as you did in your opening post) people will answer it and give advice. It may not be the advice you want, but people have taken the time to try and help. Your attitude is pretty dismissive and confrontational, and I'd really just like to nip the antagonistic stuff from all quarters in the bud. Otherwise the thread will need to be locked.

Baby and crumble - I'm sorry to say, but the forum should be for discussion and advice and not rude behavior. I read carefully all the comments and to me it is pretty obvious that if Jack showed any sign of hostility, that was only triggered by some very patronizing comments that were completely unnecessary, so I think she's entitled to have this reaction.

Not to mention, there is a difference between herself and a few users who commented on her post: she was much more assertive then them.

I don't think anyone said she was only expected the advice she wanted. What we all (or most of us) want is to be treated with respect when we haven't started a conversation in a rude way. And unfortunately, I've seen quite a few users in this group who lack manners. First time I'm commenting here but been reading posts long enough to get an idea of what's going on.

Long story short, if one takes their time to help, that's fine! But if that means being patronizing, they should probably fix their own self esteem issues and then jump to help! Hope that makes sense.

baby and crumble

If you have a problem with a mod action or comment (when in mod mode, obviously!) then please don't derail the thread commenting on it. Take it to PM or report it so a second mod can look at it, which is standard procedure in all Boards forums.

Thanks.

JackTaylorFan

Ron86 wrote: »

Baby and crumble - I'm sorry to say, but the forum should be for discussion and advice and not rude behavior. I read carefully all the comments and to me it is pretty obvious that if Jack showed any sign of hostility, that was only triggered by some very patronizing comments that were completely unnecessary, so I think she's entitled to have this reaction.

Not to mention, there is a difference between herself and a few users who commented on her post: she was much more assertive then them.

I don't think anyone said she was only expected the advice she wanted. What we all (or most of us) want is to be treated with respect when we haven't started a conversation in a rude way. And unfortunately, I've seen quite a few users in this group who lack manners. First time I'm commenting here but been reading posts long enough to get an idea of what's going on.

Long story short, if one takes their time to help, that's fine! But if that means being patronizing, they should probably fix their own self esteem issues and then jump to help! Hope that makes sense.

I would just like to add: I am not Ron86, nor has any transaction, financial or other, taken place between us. Thank you for your patience =D

AryaStark

dozy doctor wrote: »

You're welcome... Hopefully it all works out as you anticipate... Can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you as trans person looking for love. I do hope you find your King or Queen. 😀

For me it is not so difficult as i may possibly want to explore my identity​ further, and make changes where necessary, but that is a different story.

What i do know is that as well as myself being "trans" I also identify as an Asexual, so for me it has never been about looking for a partner etc. I was simply looking to offer support, empathy and understanding,

I think that was somewhat harsh to refer to me as a predator, as if i came across that way i do apologise, as I am the real deal.

I am an honest, caring and empathic person who was simply looking to make some connections and to offer support as I do understand how difficult it is, unlike a certain portion of the trans community who are angry, offer no support as they are quiet narcissistic and it is all about them.

Take care and best of luck...

I would like to say that I thought that your first message was lovely and it was very nice of you to offer support... Sometimes (not this time) that is all that people are looking for. Reaching out to people who may need help makes you a very nice person.

dozy doctor

AryaStark wrote:

I would like to say that I thought that your first message was lovely and it was very nice of you to offer support... Sometimes (not this time) that is all that people are looking for. Reaching out to people who may need help makes you a very nice person.

That is so lovely of you to say so... You too are obviously a lovely person and you have made my day...

Sending you lots of love â€â€â€

baby and crumble

I like it when the forum gets on.

:P:D

Bonavox

dozy doctor wrote: »

That is so lovely of you to say so... You too are obviously a lovely person and you have made my day...

Sending you lots of love â€â€â€

You really do have the patience of a saint when dealing with people of a certain type of attitude.

dozy doctor

Bonavox wrote:

You really do have the patience of a saint when dealing with people of a certain type of attitude.

I guess that I am constantly trying to be a better person, so try to forgive people as I don't know what is going on in their lives, or maybe they are just having a bad day etc... Either way forgive and forget is the best solution for me and best to get on with it...

JackTaylorFan

dozy doctor wrote: »

I guess that I am constantly trying to be a better person, so try to forgive people as I don't know what is going on in their lives, or maybe they are just having a bad day etc... Either way forgive and forget is the best solution for me and best to get on with it...

Look, the fact is, I have absolutely nothing in common with you. You can make out you are some kind of victim here if you want - that's cool - but it doesn't change the fact I have nothing in common with you and therefore did not wish to have your shoulder to cry on.

I do hope you can move on.

Peace.

Bonavox

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Look, the fact is, I have absolutely nothing in common with you. You can make out you are some kind of victim here if you want - that's cool - but it doesn't change the fact I have nothing in common with you and therefore did not wish to have your shoulder to cry on.

I do hope you can move on.

Peace.

You are aware this user appears to just have good intentions, right? And your view that their offer to PM you as predatory is absolutely ludicrous, right?

Dude, get over yourself.

red carded for abuse

Annasopra

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

I do hope you can move on.

Peace.

I actually hope everyone can move on at this stage from the first few posts. They're done. It has been discussed. If you are going to contribute anything to discussion please don't rehash the first few posts.