Relationship Advice

Header15

So I'm in quite a new relationship and we're having our first argument. Basically one of my best friends announced just a day ago that his 21st was on in a months time. My girlfriend has a college ball that night and really wants me to go. Tickets have not been sold yet but I had said I was interested a while back. When I told her one of my best friend's party was on the same day now she flipped. Am I being unreasonable, bearing in mind that I won't no anyone at the ball as well really as I am in a different college? Any help would be appreciated.

LegacyUser

Header15 wrote: »

she flipped

Given that you're college age, we'll pass that off as immaturity and relationship inexperience, but she has absolutely no right to any kind of negative reaction about this, you didn't schedule either event, the clash is nobody's fault and neither she nor her party is not the centre of the universe.

You friend has given what would be more than adequate notice for most people. There will be loads of college balls and they're pretty generic events, your mate will only have one 21st birthday. If it was me and it came to choice, I'd go to the 21st. If this bothers your girlfriend that much, then maybe she's not ready for any kind of committed relationship. If neither of you were seeing it as a committed relationship, then I would definitely recommend that you choose your friend's party, don't be the guy that messes up friendships by disappearing for a relationship.

If it is a committed relationship or has the potential to be, then maybe she should be seeing your friend's 21st as an opportunity to meet a few of your friends.

Big Bag of Chips

It's a tough one, because she'd obviously like to go to her event and have you on her arm. You'd like to go to yours and you don't really care if she can't go, because you'll most likely just be having a laugh with the lads!!

I suppose the only compromise is if you tell her you understand where she is coming from and that you wouldn't mind if she brought someone else as her 'date' for the night. If she has flipped though at a clash of dates of something you don't really have control over, then you might expect to be single by the time the night comes around.

If she's overly demanding though, it might be no loss

Header15

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's a tough one, because she'd obviously like to go to her event and have you on her arm. You'd like to go to yours and you don't really care if she can't go, because you'll most likely just be having a laugh with the lads!!

I suppose the only compromise is if you tell her you understand where she is coming from and that you wouldn't mind if she brought someone else as her 'date' for the night. If she has flipped though at a clash of dates of something you don't really have control over, then you might expect to be single by the time the night comes around.

If she's overly demanding though, it might be no loss

Thanks for that. My main problem with it is that this is the third time this has happened. The other 2 times I had things planned and last minute she started getting a bit just snappy in messages and stuff so I cancelled and went on a date with her instead. I didn't overly mind because they were just class nights out. I feel for me that this is a more important thing for me to go to. I really do like her though so I just don't want to annoy her

Big Bag of Chips

But she's annoying you. Why is that ok? Why is it ok for you to always be the one to compromise? You're young. You'll learn. But a good relationship with a good person doesn't always mean changing your plans to suit them.

Go to the 21st. If she breaks up with you because of it she obviously doesn't like you as much as you like her, and that's never going to end well.

You say this is a fairly new relationship. You've changed plans twice to suit her. Has she ever changed her plans to go out with you?

By the way: if you're worried, or afraid of telling her you can't go to the ball then that's not good. In a healthy relationship both people should be able to do things they like without fear of the other person's reaction. She sounds like a princess who's used to getting her way. So far you've already given in to her twice, so you're just letting her know that she has a right to demand you do things because you will always back down and give her her way. Nothing will ever change unless you change it.

If you're afraid of her, maybe this isn't the relationship for you.

silverharp

Header15 wrote: »

Thanks for that. My main problem with it is that this is the third time this has happened. The other 2 times I had things planned and last minute she started getting a bit just snappy in messages and stuff so I cancelled and went on a date with her instead. I didn't overly mind because they were just class nights out. I feel for me that this is a more important thing for me to go to. I really do like her though so I just don't want to annoy her

You don't always have to have your way but if you give in all the time she will lose respect for you so you shouldn't have "I just don't want to annoy her " in your head. Just be politely assertive about situations like this. Constant arguments over little things like this probably means that she isn't particularly empathetic or using bro science she is subconsciously testing you to see if you will take control. , either way you are going to your mate's 21st, whatever else happens you can chalk up to experience

racso1975

^^^ using bro science I would say she is seeing if he will choose her over others as opposed to taking control.

The more you keep giving in the more this will continue. Either way in 40 years time when your looking back on your life you will wish you picked the 21st.

IvoryTower

Go to the 21st.

pilly

Big red flag for me. Go to 21st. He's your mate.

osarusan

I can understand that she might be a bit annoyed about the ball as you had said you were interested...but she should appreciate that a friend's 21st birthday is a big event also.

From the other stories, it seems like she doesn't much like the idea of you going out without her. Or maybe she doesn't like the idea of you choosing something else over time with her.

Either way, that's worrying for you.

Lux23

Which event do you want to go to? If its your mate's 21st, then I suggest you explain nicely how important the night is for you and that you won't make her event this time but that you will make it up to her. If she sulks, acts like a brat or threatens to break up then maybe the relationship is heading down a path that won't suit you.

How new is this relationship? To be totally honest, the fact that she's already pulling the "me or your friends" card is a huge red flag for me. The fact that this isn't the first time this happened makes me think she's incredibly needy - but also very immature about it too. Go to your friend's 21st. He's only go to have one 21st in his life - there'll be many college balls. There'll also be many opportunities for events like this.

Definitely go to the 21st.

Big Bag of Chips

Just reading your post OP, I notice this is your first argument. Is that because the other times you've just done what she wanted. This shouldn't be an argument. To be honest, it shouldn't even be much of a discussion...

-Sorry, Joe is having his 21st that night.
-Ah sure no bother enjoy the night

The row is only happening because she's not getting what she wants.

woodchuck

I could kind of understand when it seemed like an isolated incident and you had said you'd be interested in attending the ball. But the fact that this has already happened a few times? Not a good sign!

silverharp

racso1975 wrote: »

^^^ using bro science I would say she is seeing if he will choose her over others as opposed to taking control.

The more you keep giving in the more this will continue. Either way in 40 years time when your looking back on your life you will wish you picked the 21st.

for sure , probably 2 contradictory tests going on here, its kind of a no win and there is no cookie in the end for passing either.

beertons

You can only go to your friend's 21st once. There are loads of balls. Go to the party.

Big Bag of Chips

Another thing to consider is you are unlikely to be still with this girl in a few years, and your pals will always take the mick out of you for missing the 21st because of her

Ursus Horribilis

Header15 wrote: »

Thanks for that. My main problem with it is that this is the third time this has happened. The other 2 times I had things planned and last minute she started getting a bit just snappy in messages and stuff so I cancelled and went on a date with her instead. I didn't overly mind because they were just class nights out. I feel for me that this is a more important thing for me to go to. I really do like her though so I just don't want to annoy her

You really like the idea of her more than the reality of what she is. If someone tells you who they are, you really should pay heed. She is telling you that if she does not get her way, that she will sulk and be unpleasant until she gets her way. That's not a nice trait in anybody.

When I read your first post, I thought "yeah, I can understand why she'd be peeved" . Then I thought about it and thought she was being a bit unfair. There are college balls every year and the world will keep turning even if she doesn't go. Then I read your update. It throws a whole different light on things. Is someone who throws a strop when she doesn't get her own way really the sort of life partner you want? Let's say the relationship continues on long term. Going by her behaviour to date, you'll not be having much say in anything in your life. Stick to your guns and go to your mate's 21st. Down the line you'll be glad you did.